AIBU to think there is always a default parent?

[NewMomma21]

Just looking for peoples views and experiences.

In your relationship is there a default parent, ie a parent that takes on more of the load in terms of domestic chores, parenting, night time wake ups, mental load of coming up with and preparing meals and activities. Or would you say it’s evenly split with your other half?

YANBU in reality there is always a default parent

YABU no such thing everything is evenly split

Disagree. Neither of my parents did much of that stuff hahahaha.

Gotta laugh or else you'll cry, you know.

It’s evenly split for me so I voted YABU but I absolutely do know that most of the time there is a default parent. I consider myself very lucky with my husband (which in itself is sad because his contribution should be “the norm” … which is definitely how he see’s it, he doesn’t think he’s some kind of super dad/husband… just recognises that most husbands/dads we know are shocking)

I’m a single parent. I have the kids the majority of the time and pay for the majority. So yes I’m definitely the default parent. My ex is more like a babysitter, hence why he’s an ex.

Thanks for that. It saddens me to say my reaction was wow your husband sounds amazing because you’re right it is just your husband doing his fair share. Does your husband come up with meals and plan the grocery shop based on that? Probably from what you’ve said!

We don't have one but that is because we both took time off when we had babies and although I BF, when I wet back to work my DP stayed home with the kids so that initial BF bias was quickly gone.

Honestly, my partner and I split things very evenly, but this didn't just happen by itself, we had to make sure it did. It's maybe easier because we are both women so we don't have as many of the social expectations (coming from us and from others) about who should do which things. But we had to think about how we wanted our parenting lives to be, make sure we both took equal responsibility for the babies, planned to both have time off when they were born, etc. My partner had to remind herself to 'share' and not just keep all the baby-care to herself. All the admin is normally set up with the birth mother too so it's very easy to fall into a pattern where she does all the medical appointments, vaccinations etc.

I'd also say that completely sharing all the mental load doesn't actually halve it, because there are things you are both spending time and discussion on instead of just one of you doing it.

Overall we’re pretty even with chores and parenting in the house but I am the default parent when it comes to appointments, clothes shopping etc. and I’m more bothered about us doing activities/going for days out etc so I’m always planning them.

I think it is generally the case because it happens very easily - mums take maternity leave, it 'makes sense' for mums to take on more when they are at home etc but then when it comes to going back to work, it seems to stay that way so mum ends up not only working but taking on the majority of the mental load, childcare, cooking etc too.

It doesn't apply to my marriage and I think it helped that DH took longer than the standard 2 weeks off and I had a shorter maternity leave so I wasn't staying at home doing everything for 9-12+ months.

I feel like I do probably 80%+ of it all

Ours is split pretty evenly and I’d echo that I know it’s not the norm though.

My husband meal plans about half the time same with the weekly shop and does all the washing. I do most of the cooking, ironing and sort out new clothes / uniforms. Other things are pretty even.

Your voting options are too fixed. There’s very often a default parent but not always.

We are equally split. I do more cooking, DH does the vast majority of cleaning. We both have the school apps, both do bedtimes and spellings or reading. School drop offs and swimming lessons are shared equally.

DCs would both come to either of us for anything they needed. On the rare occasions they cry out in the night, it varies who they shout for.

I am definitely the default parent in my relationship but I'm also the one that's there most of the time. I work part time and her dad is part time. If we were both full time it would be impossible to take our disabled daughter to physiotherapy for example. I guess we would have to hire a nanny to do it. I actually wouldn't want to work full time though. I like having the afternoon with my child (soon to be two children) and would hate for her to be in nursery until 5 p.m. every day.
When it comes to specialist doctor's appointments we are both equally involved. Mostly we both take her but a few times she's gone with just her dad. For illness it depends - he can be somewhat flexible so he stays with her in the morning while I work and calls the doctor if necessary. If she is given a morning appointment he takes her, if it's in the afternoon he lets me know so I can go with her once I finish work and take over. Regular check ups we try to arrange for 8 a.m. then he takes her to the appointment and drops her off at nursery on the way to work. She doesn't often wake during the night but currently when she does she only wants me - daddy is told to "go away". On the other hand on weekends she will ask him to play a game or build a tower with her while telling me "you can go, to the living room I'm playing with dada right now!"

Definitely split here as I have no idea who does even marginally more.

I think I’m probably the ‘default’ parent in terms of the mental load, but not significantly so and the physical stuff like housework etc is pretty evenly split I’d say

Exactly this here too, which is don’t think it a particularly huge criticism of my DH. I’m too much of a control freak I wouldn’t want him to do it anyway 😂

I think there is almost always a default parent. That doesn't necessarily mean that the other person isn't pulling their weight though; lots of people have one parent working more than the other or one parent who deals with the kids while the other does the house.

If your real question is, are there a depressingly high number of men who are lazy and useless, the answer is yes.

We were very evenly split once I returned to work full time. Play to each of our strengths.

As adults the DC come to us for different things. Our WA chats include both of us and we are equally in replying etc.

I am definitely the default parent, ok fair enough in terms of house chores, school runs etc... because I have always done part time or casual work. But its being the default parent for the mental load that has got me down. Always being the one that has to sort out issues with school/behaviour /upsets/etc.. Dh dips out of taking part in any important conversations. Ds is a teen and I have had to guide him through all the emotional stuff, friendships, fall outs, school dramas, first girlfriend, all the emotional highs and lows of high school life. Dh has cast himself as "fun guy" whilst I've been the pack horse doing the hard stuff.

My DH I would say beyond not contributing to household tasks adds greatly to them. But aside from that all the mental load falls to me. I love cooking but find it tedious to have to come up with 7 dinners a week. If I am going out for a day (v rare) or activity I leave the clothes for DC out and have to tell him what to get for dinner etc. I’m starting to feel extremely resentful about it.

What would happen if you didn't leave clothes out or tell him what to get for dinner?

I usually make dinner and get my daughter dressed during the week. Today I had to go into the office two hours away (usually work from home). I did not leave clothes out. I did briefly mention that we don't really have anything in so he would need to buy something for dinner. I'm on the train home now and I'm certain she will have gone to nursery in appropriate clothes, hair done and teeth brushed, and dinner will either be waiting for me or at least underway. I would 100% feel resentful if he couldn't do such simple things! What would your DH actually do if you didn't leave clothes out?

With us we are equal, though I take the lead with one child, and him the other child. Mostly because the children have very firm preferences on this 😂

I am more of the 'family calendar ' but I don't do much of the admin for it. So I guess I get thee mental load of remembering, but he still has to do the stuff.

We used to share chores more evenly, but now I tend to cook more and he tends to do more laundry and cleaning. He does the packed lunches and ironing, I sort out hair, drinks bottles etc.

Our children still don't sleep well, so we share the waking, and give eachother naps when needed.

We are a team.

This afternoon I came home from attending a class and found the almost 4 year old in trousers belonging to the almost 2 year old and that’s the kind of thing that happens. In terms of dinner it would be quite possible that I would have come home to a question about what should we do for dinner only that I sent him out with a list.
Broadly speaking if I just took the foot of the gas in terms of household tasks and organisation in a very short time we would descend into chaos. And I can’t bear to live like that so I keep going as is.

We’ve always taken turns. Including going part time or being a SAHP when they were smaller.

we are in an equal partnership

I did about 97% of the parenting from day dot. He's now an ex.