AIBU to think there is always a default parent?

[NewMomma21]

Just looking for peoples views and experiences.

In your relationship is there a default parent, ie a parent that takes on more of the load in terms of domestic chores, parenting, night time wake ups, mental load of coming up with and preparing meals and activities. Or would you say it’s evenly split with your other half?

YANBU in reality there is always a default parent

YABU no such thing everything is evenly split

Was the four year old upset or uncomfortable in the younger ones trousers?

I don't think you can ask parents.

Its not really about whether you split bedtime story reading, nappy changes and hoovering equally in my mind.

Its more who your children go to first..

If your child/ren just go to whoever is stood closest then there probably isn't one. If they pick depending on the skills needed, there is less of a default too but if they tend to go to one parent for most stuff thats the default.

I'd say it totally depends on circumstances. I'm the default parent, not because my husband won't do anything but because I'm a sahm and he works full time

DH does essentially no laundry. I mean none. I did stop doing his clothes as he wouldn’t even place them into laundry basket. But then they just pile up everywhere and it doesn’t bother him whereas I cannot bear it. His contribution to laundry is usually to take DC to his mums so I can fold and sort and place into individual rooms.

DH and I are so completely the opposite of each other. He is a minimal effort doesn’t mind mess kind of person whereas I value order and organisation.

Not especially but it does irritate me that 4 yo is running around in trousers at his knees because DH was too lazy to go upstairs to get a pair for him knowing they were the wrong size

I wouldn't be able to live like that and I find it hard to believe that he genuinely doesn't know what to do, he just knows that you'll just do it all for him instead or make him lists so he doesn't have to think for himself.

I would say it’s a weaponised incompetence. Usually he would say something along the lines of I didn’t do x because I knew I wouldn’t do it exactly as you would like it. Or I wasn’t sure what you wanted so I didn’t get anything.

Yes he does, we take it in turns depending on how much I’m working that week (my work varies from 3 to 5 days a week) if I’m doing 3 I’ll do the shop, if I’m doing more he will. Whoever is doing that week will also plan the meals…. Because to be honest whoever is shopping that week is likely to be doing most of the cooking 😁

Day to day it’s me, for the more nurturing side of parenting I.e caring, cooking, cleaning etc. But without a doubt I defer to my DH for many things that I class as his domain, anything technical I.e ‘Mum!!! My Roblox isn’t loading!’ I would say speak to Dad. I would also refer anything broken to Dad, anything to do with bikes, sport clubs, DH does far more lifts than me, does more school pick-ups. DH comes in to his own on holidays. Plays with them all day in the pool. He would attend every play, parents evening, sports day with me. He would sort any DIY problem or domestic issue. All car issues. So it’s fairly well matched but we both know our areas of expertise and so do the kids I suppose. Thry know who does what.

So I work part time and DH works full time so naturally I am the default parent while he’s working but when we’re both not working we split everything. Still we laugh that they always come to come to me first, even if he’s right next to them and I’m in another room they’ll call me. He’ll just answer to the name “mum” in those circumstances.

This is one of the things you'll have to let go. If the four year old was happy and not cold/uncomfortable/embarrassed by the trousers then it doesn't really matter.

He will never do his share unless you stop doing it for him, but you will have to accept that he has a different standard to you/different priorities and as long a this isn't upsetting/dangerous for the children it's fine.

This will be the case if you stay with him or leave him because he will still have access to the children.

thinking about it I know more even split than not, our house … well I’d personally say it’s pretty much all me

It depends on what context. If it's going to matches or getting involved in a kids sports club it is often the Dad. But other stuff is more likely mum. From talking to friends it seems meal planning and household management falls to the Mum even if the Dad does a lot in terms of housework, hence the complaints of 'mental load'. Some men are very good with bills and life admin, but in some houses women do all that too. I think when it comes to caring duties its mostly Mum, I'll be honest and say I've never met a Dad who knows anything about his kids dental appointments.

Agix
hugs x

I think there’s a default but it depends how much of a default as to whether it matters. I would say I’m default maybe 60% of the time. Partly that’s because I’m part time and really not busy for much of my time at work, and also because DD is now a teenage girl and we’ve become closer, as in she wants to go shopping with me, for example.

But DH has always been from Day 1 a fantastic dad and has definitely done way more than he should have when he was working full time and I wasn’t working at all.

And he takes in things that I really don’t like, like all the long distance driving for example, so in the main I’m fine with our split.

I was a sahm so technically the default parent but Dh was completely hands on from the second he walked in the door from work. On weekends he was fully responsible for all meals, from top up shopping if needed and making it all. He would also take a child with him and leave me with just one for one on one time with each child.

What I did do, because I did have time, was make a 3 week menu plan, just listed with everyone's contribution, what meals everyone would like to see on the menu plan. Worked out what needed fresh veg and what was either frozen (peppers, green beans, spinach) or store cupboard stuff. Did swap outs every so some meals were every 6 weeks.

I also batch cooked which again Dh also did. So despite being the default parent for all the school runs, school admin, life admin because I remained not working when the children were in school I did feel like I had and still have a fully plugged in team mate in all of this. He had ideas for things to do on days out or in the house, Christmas presents ideas too, plans holidays, does research for things and is always available for the children. That means at 1am on New Year's Day he is collecting our young adult son from a house party. He is the Dad he never had and I am the Mum I never had. I have raised two amazing boys who unpack shopping without being asked, come off a computer the second either me or Dh walks in the door to greet us. They have a great role model.

It’s evenly split for us I think.

Both DDs want DH if they wake up in the night. He normally spends the last half of the night lying with DD2.
I do more appointment stuff, because DH can’t drive due to a disability. So it’s far easier for me to take them, and therefore makes no sense for him to arrange them.
We live a 5 min walk from school and nursery, and drop offs and pick ups are shared.
We both work full time. And I think the total housework and cooking is pretty even.

Definitely the default parent here....I do 99% of everything.
I totally resent it, kids have no respect for him and his totally checked out of family life 😭
Either change it now or accept it.

Same for me. I think there very often is a default parent, but luckily not for us. Mixed for my own parents - my mum was maybe more of a day to day logistics default and def emotional talk person, BUT my dad was all about the family and us, he did most of the cooking and the meal planning and shopping, most of the ferrying us around, loads of reading and school work stuff. And NEVER said anything like “huh I’m the only male here with all these women in the house” - it would not have entered his mind to even think that. Just so supportive. Set a standard for me tbh.

For us, what really tipped the balance was my DH (who would always have been extremely brilliant and hands on) going part time before I did, when they were preschool, and actually being the default parent on those days. He’s still 3 days a week, I’m 4. He absolutely does household things on those days - he’s not lounging around or golfing. He’s the one that suggested a family calendar and got it set up. We are equally likely to book and do the food shop. I’m better at laundry but he’s way better at admin. He’s wholly there and it’s just as hard for
me when he’s away, as it is for him when I’m away. We have each others back. It’s brilliant.

For my household it depends on whether we’re talking about the big picture, or breaking it down to the individual tasks.

If we’re talking individual tasks then they aren’t evenly split. Night wakings for example are mainly me, but the trade off is that early mornings are mainly my husband. Coming up with activities etc is mainly me, but then things like the laundry & meal choosing is mainly my husband. Parenting generally in terms of the day to day I’d say is pretty even though to be honest, we both do breakfasts, getting ready, if we go out for the day we are both equally “on” compared to lots of other couples I see where mum is chasing a toddler around while dad is sat with a pint in hand, both do bath/book/bed.

I do know that’s not the case for everyone though and agree with others who have said maternity leave really doesn’t help with this starting off on the right foot.

I am definitely the default parent. 2 Dcs aged 15 and 13.

However, DH does all the animals. 2 dogs, 2 cats, birds and fish. He does poo pick up and kitty litter and vets. He also does all the house maintenance which as our house is a tumble-down Victorian is considerable. He does all the car stuff. he sorts all the bills as well, including sorting school fees. I do the bulk of general stuff like washing and irnoning and keeping things tidy. I sort the garden and our cleaner. I would say it;s about equal. I never think about the stuff he does unless he is away for work (about 6 weeks a year) when I need a bullet point list from him to guide me. And when I go see my parents in another country about 3 weeks a year I need to put meals in the freezer but I think that's fair tbh.

In terms of maternity leave my DH got 4 months paid pat leave (amazing I know). However when I look back it this time it makes me feel even more resentful if I’m honest. Myself and newborn slept in our bedroom and DH moved to spare room. This meant he got a full nights sleep every night as older DC slept through the night well at this age (not anyone unfortunately!). Every morning I would come down between 9&10 having been up during the night BFing and DH&DC would be sat on the couch in PJs. Every single day. He would never have anything done or DC ready or dressed and then it would be what should DC wear. This pat leave ended up being more of a holiday for him quite honestly.

In most families i think that's true. I wish it wasn't. I'm the primary parent despite also working FT and bringing in a lot more money. I definitely don't let H off the hook and he does a fair bit with the kids, just not as much as me and (annoyingly) I have to remind him about stuff or he doesn't think of it.

I can live with it though as I pulled back on other stuff. He does 70% of the cooking and nearly 100% laundry and hoovering. I suspect that when they were little and whiny/bolting off everywhere it was easier for him to retreat to the kitchen in peace. Ha! Now they are older and easier my life has got a lot freer and easier and he still has the chores he "chose".

Was he the same with your first or did it start when you had your second?

I'm sorry that he's so shit.

I think he’s probably always been like this but I was always willing to overlook it. First DC was an easy baby and toddler so I was still able to pick up the slack. Second DC was and is quite demanding so it became much more difficult to do everything myself. Just now I’ve said I’m not feeling well and I’m going to lie down and he said well before you go can you get DC ready to go outside to play. I just walked away and he got them ready. This is a constant before I do anything he will ask me oh can you just do x,y,z so as to lessen the small amount he does even further.