AIBU to think there is always a default parent?

[NewMomma21]

Just looking for peoples views and experiences.

In your relationship is there a default parent, ie a parent that takes on more of the load in terms of domestic chores, parenting, night time wake ups, mental load of coming up with and preparing meals and activities. Or would you say it’s evenly split with your other half?

YANBU in reality there is always a default parent

YABU no such thing everything is evenly split

If mine had done this I would have had to ask what one earth he thought he was doing - couldn't help see that those trousers didn't fit? In fairness it wouldn't have got that far through - my 3.5 year old would have told him those weren't her trousers and sent him to her room to get proper ones. Then probably told on him to me when I got home "Silly daddy gave me trousers that were too small!"

I would agree but ironically we are each a ‘default’ parent for 1 child each. Without trying to be. It’s beautiful.

I immediately asked him why DC was dressed like that. He said because he got wet outside and needed a dry pair and shrugged. I understand if it was a moment of urgency but younger DC naps for two hours so there is plenty of time to fix things like this during this time. This is another major conflict, during nap time and while older DC has a bit of tv or plays i do laundry, make dinner, clean up etc. When DH is in charge 9 times out of 10 he will put something on for older DC and lie on the couch and give himself a nice nap too

Yes, I'm the default parent and the preferred parent so a lot lands on me childcare and child admin wise. Domestic wise, we're probably 60/40 with me being the 60. I do work less hours though so that's not something I feel is particularly unfair.

I assume your DH has a job? If he’s capable of holding down a job, he’s more than capable of dressing his DC appropriately and cooking a proper meal.
Basically he’s lazy and enjoys knowing that you will do anything. You’re stuck now, you’ll be doing everything forever and unfortunately teaching your DC’s sexism at its worst.

Yes DH has a job. And a good one too, he contributes more financially so I believe he thinks this is his total contribution. He’s on annual leave day today.

I agree I’m stuck in this position now. He says all the time I don’t expect anything from you, don’t cook or clean I don’t mind but what then? Live in filth and chaos with nothing in terms of food or activities organised for DC. The only room I don’t look after is his office. I’ve just looked in and there are 4 coffee cups, a couple of glasses, piles of clothes emptied from a suitcase on the floor that have been there for 2 weeks, piles of paper and rubbish, every drawer in the desk is full to overspill with rubbish. And I’m stuck in this situation, he will never change.

Book a cleaner who will do additional work - ours changed the beds, did the laundry and ironing, was there to take in the online food shop and did loads of batch cooking to stock up the freezer.

I'd say we are evenly split on everything you mention except for activities where I take the lions share. I also do the lions share on kids supplies like clothing toiletries etc. I was much more the default when on maternity and when the kids were younger and I worked less. I do think that our relationship is much more equal than the average heterosexual one because DH took 1-2 days off work in the week to look after the kids each time I went back to work. When that doesn't happen he is much less likely to get what it's like to have a kid on your own all day on a regular basis.

We have a wonderful cleaner who comes every two weeks. She gets around to the jobs I can’t do regularly like hoovering and dusting everything and doing deep cleans of the bathrooms. I couldn’t ask her to clean up after DH, it would be totally undignified for her to have to pick up underwear which he can’t be bothered to put in a laundry basket and mouldy cups of coffee. He just does nothing, absolutely nothing. Not the bins, never laundry or hoovering or bathrooms, rarely food, never comes up with dinner ideas, no night wakes, never checks if we need anything and shops accordingly. Nothing.

And his positive qualities are?

I'm more of the default (I work 4 days rather than 5), but we share bedtime and all the out of work care. I'm more the default in that I do most of the night wakes and I'm the one they would ask for.

DP does most of the cooking and the planning for that as well as all the car stuff a good proportion of the chores. I do have to periodically redress the balance, if it's gone wonky. In your position I would have to say something or the resentment would destroy our relationship.

Can you live like this for the rest of your life OP? I presume you'd get maintenance

When I met DH 10 years ago he was fun and sociable. He was always so positive and generous. He had a good job and his career was on the up and up. During the pandemic his career plateaued. By his own admission he feels very angry and resentful of this. He lost a lot of his natural positivity and anger’s easily. The things we enjoyed doing together- out for nice dinners&drinks and hotel stays- have dried up because we have two small DC and because the money is just not there in the way it was before. He has changed a lot. He would probably say I have too. I don’t think I would have predicted he would do so little and I would be doing so much before DC came along.

We were lucky to buy a lovely house in a lovely area a number of years ago. The house prices have sky rocketed since then. If we did separate and sell the house we would be totally priced out of where we live: Our wonderful DC would suffer greatly as a result of this. I can’t bring myself to do that to them:

He will if you are willing to be ruthless… he has said he “doesn’t expect anything from you” so that’s what you will give him, nothing. Don’t cook for him, don’t buy in things he likes… I would actively buy foods I knew he didn’t like. His clothes would not get washed, ever. If I stripped the bed I would only make up my side, his side of the sheet would not be on, pillow cases on the floor. If he leaves a towel or pants on the floor, thrown straight into his office, close the door. If he uses a plate and doesn’t wash it, into his office it goes.

I’ve tried this approach before and it didn’t really have any effect. He let the clothes pile up and pile up and eventually he took them to a laundrette which he said was fine by him. It’s unfortunately not possible to leave his cups, plates etc out for hygiene reasons. He is so lazy he doesn’t put the milk in the fridge after using it so if I leave it out it spoils and there is none for DC. He leaves a trail of mess wherever he goes and I just can’t bear to look at it so I inevitably end up cleaning it.

No this is too defeatist, let his mouldy food fester in his office. If you’re worried about the DCs going in, put a lock on the outside and tell him why. Start using paper plates for yourself until he breaks. Let him keep taking his clothes to the launderette if he doesn’t mind?? One day he will because he will need something specific for an event. Bide your time. And what happened when he brought his things home from the launderette, did he put them away or did you? Because if he leaves them in the bag, where do you think you should put his wet towel in the morning? Or his dirty pants? … straight on top of the clean clothes bag of course. You have the power to make his life awful by using his own laziness against him. Leaving a trail of mess behind him…. I’m thinking cups, wrappers, shoes etc…. Thrown straight in his office.

My kids go to whoever is there, they don’t seek dh or I out in particular. I think that’s a good thing as they feel secure that we both can see to their needs.

In our house it's mum, mum, mum and if no answer it's dad where's mum. After 19 years it's not changing now 🤣

Even split, husband does more if anything. He works part time and has our daughter out of daycare two days a week, does most of the shopping and cooking. I earn more, so it evens out.

They will just suffer in other ways instead. This is the example you are setting as to how relationships and marriages should be.

If you have a son, you are showing him that this is how women deserve to be treated.

If you have a daughter, you are showing her that this is how men treat women.

You lumped in house work alongside parenting which to me are different things.

im not the default house work person H and I very much share that load.

Parenting. The kids have chosen me as the default. H is very capable but I can often be heard asking if they’ve asked their dad that they have just passed in the hall to get to me for something mundane!

Brilliant that he haves an office as you don’t need to look at his mess. Don’t give in this time. Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) that he has not done, left, ignored, caused a mess with, goes straight in there. And as pp said, put a lock on it so DC can’t get in. Who cares if he goes to the laundry? Off you pop darling.

Your whole life will be spent doing everything if you don’t sort this now. And your DC will repeat the same thing with their future families.

That's not just being "not the default parent". That's sheer laziness and disgusting! And I say that as someone who has to wash a frying pan before I cook every evening because I'm too lazy to sort it immediately after cooking 🙈.

I think it's hard to judge when it's your own life (although there's no doubt in your case op, he's fucking lazy) but I feel like me and my wife are 50/50 or as close as you can be when weighing up and comparing different jobs.

I do more day to day and in terms of entertaining as our daughter has decided she's my shadow since she was about 2.

So cooking and shopping for all meals, bed time, bath time, stories, lunch boxes. All me.

But then my wife is way more atuned to "long term" planning such as clothes for holidays, uniforms etc, and is very particular about how the house should look so definitely does more in terms of cleaning.

I think it works well as we've both decided/naturally fallen in to playing to our strengths somewhat.

Having a cleaner really helps too as we were losing so much free time at weekends to essentially admin