Breastfeeding judgement

[ByPearlDeer]

My son is almost 20 months old. He is still breastfed and has always been a “boob monster”, obsessed with feeding and prefers it to eating solids etc. We have never had a feeding schedule (he’s always been on and off all day) and he’s always been fed on demand.

Now that he’s older I’m really feeling the judgement from family and friends. I’m constantly getting comments like “didn’t he just have a feed an hour ago?”, “how is he on there again?!”, “what a surprise, he’s back on the boob” etc.

He seems to get overwhelmed easily and in newer/unfamiliar environments he does request it a lot more and it seems to help to regulate him. He will often go in to a big meltdown if I refuse it.

On the weekend, we had a meet up with friends (who also have young babies). They said I really needed to put boundaries in place and let him cry, one said I just need to go “cold turkey” now. Even my partner (who on the whole is super supportive) said I’m the problem now and letting him dictate when he feeds too much.

I’m happy to keep breastfeeding, but it’s making me feel like I’m doing something weird/failing by not being stricter about it as I only hear negativity.

Is anyone else in a similar position? AIBU and should I be putting more boundaries in place now? I’m really cautious of meeting his emotional needs and want to tackle this gently.

I breastfed my first till he weaned himself at 2. WHO recommendeds breastfeeding till 2, your body your choice. Breastfeeding is more than nutrition, it’s bonding and closeness and his comfort. You do you and fuck everyone else

Yep, fuck everybody else.
Do what's best for him and you.
If you plan to feed less and wean him off, do it gently and gradually, don't cold turkey.

I fed all of mine til they were about 4.

Is the judgement due to breastfeeding or the fact you are creating a child who ‘dictates’ at 20 months old?

People are so ridiculous around breastfeeding, mine were breastfed until they were three and are strapping pre and young teen now.

Keep your son fed and happy and ignore the judgemental and uneducated morons.

Nothing wrong with feeding a 20 month old however it is important to have boundaries with toddlers and you need to help him find other coping mechanisms.

Whilst I wouldn't let him cry/have a full on meltdown it's about building up the boundary. So if at home and just fed then say we have just had milking how about some water. Often distraction technique works on toddlers as well. How does he cope when out with Dad solo and its not an option? Does he have a comforter instead?

It also helps you to have some boundaries and stops you feeling touched out. I fed til 22 months and 27 months btw!

It's not that your right and others wrong or vice versa. It's about finding a balance and also equipping your toddler with other coping skills.

How is he dictating? Requesting a feed is surely the same as a child asking for a biscuit

The OP used the word dictating. Ask her.

Ah my bad, I seem to have missed that part

It sounds like you’re feeding mostly for comfort now, and at some point it will have to stop for the child’s own dignity. If it’s going to be an emotional transition off the boob, I’d do it sooner rather than later. Your child will have to learn other methods of co regulating and self regulating eventually.

Would you give a child a biscuit every time they said they wanted one?

OP has said herself- “He will often go in to a big meltdown if I refuse it”.

Take your own example of a biscuit here, would you think it was totally okay if a child was requesting a biscuit every hour and going into a big meltdown if it was refused? Or would you agree that actually, that’s not behaviour we should be encouraging?

Perfectly healthy to breastfeed at this age, although his demands do seem high - my son was similar a couple of months ago at 17m.

I'd be tempted to snark back that he doesn't seem to be sure of the company he's in if they keep commenting (my son would always go for a bit of anxious boob).

That said, I have just weaned at 21m for my own health reasons (need to lose weight and BF seems to throw me too far out of whack). I just wanted to add that my experience was quite different from the advice you get about "don't offer, don't refuse". I actually limited him to 5-7 am or pm first, then just pm, then just bedtime, then told him mummy's milk was all gone.

I found this much better for helping him understand the process than sometimes having a lot and sometimes nothing. They're clever little cookies - at first he'd run up to me at smack bang 5pm.

No pressure at all to give up, I just wanted to share that the standard advice didn't seem to work for my boob monster son.

Does a child get a biscuit every time they ask?

Do you want more boundaries or are you happy with it?

If you’re happy, crack on and ignore everyone else.

But, you can absolutely establish some gentle boundaries. Like another poster said above, if a child was always asking for biscuits, or fruit, you wouldn’t let them have them constantly.

People need to mind their own business. I'd shut the comments down. WHO guidelines recommend feeding till 2. Maybe print out some studies and hand them out to anyone who comments. He won't nurse forever and if you're both happy at this stage, that's fine. Good on you OP.

I don’t think you will damage him if you gently introduce more boundaries, but if you’re happy with how things are, ignore them.

I live in a city where extended breastfeeding is common. You do what is best for you and your child. I personally didn't want to feed a four year old so cut them off then, but I know if you have a second it muddies the water.

You need some supportive friends, OP. Most of my friends nursed a bit longer than me, and I nursed mine till about 2.5 years. You need some of these women in your village.

Tell everyone to mind their own business! I had all that shit from my in laws but I didn't care by the time I got to dc no 3. I breastfed him till he was 4

How many times a day is he feeding?

There's a big difference between every couple of hours and say 3 times a day

Breastfeeding til 2 isn't an issue.

An almost 2 year old who tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants straight away, and is learning that it works, might be a problem, if that behaviour is carried across to other situations.

You could try distracting him and getting him to wait for a bit longer each time so he knows that you're in control, if you wanted to have some flexibility

Is the issue people are raising just the BF, or that there might be something else going on, eg gets overwhelmed, has meltdowns, isn’t really interested in food?

I think a lot of mothers who feed for longer end up doing more of it in private, I know I did with mine (fed till 2 and to almost 4) this avoided the judginess and reduced the number of times they fed to a more manageable level!)
Both my dc stopped feeding when they wanted to - no big drama or emotional upset, as soon as they didn't want it, they stopped.

I've breastfed 4 until they've naturally weaned. It's been between ages 1 and 3.

I have to say while feeding is amazing, as parents it's our jobs to give our babies more comfort mechanisms than just the breast otherwise its difficult for them to be without it.

Once mine were solidly eating meals and snacks I concentrated on food for nourishment and cuddles etc for comfort when out and about. Partly because of judgemental looks but mainly so they xould be easily comforted by others.