Breastfeeding judgement

[ByPearlDeer]

My son is almost 20 months old. He is still breastfed and has always been a “boob monster”, obsessed with feeding and prefers it to eating solids etc. We have never had a feeding schedule (he’s always been on and off all day) and he’s always been fed on demand.

Now that he’s older I’m really feeling the judgement from family and friends. I’m constantly getting comments like “didn’t he just have a feed an hour ago?”, “how is he on there again?!”, “what a surprise, he’s back on the boob” etc.

He seems to get overwhelmed easily and in newer/unfamiliar environments he does request it a lot more and it seems to help to regulate him. He will often go in to a big meltdown if I refuse it.

On the weekend, we had a meet up with friends (who also have young babies). They said I really needed to put boundaries in place and let him cry, one said I just need to go “cold turkey” now. Even my partner (who on the whole is super supportive) said I’m the problem now and letting him dictate when he feeds too much.

I’m happy to keep breastfeeding, but it’s making me feel like I’m doing something weird/failing by not being stricter about it as I only hear negativity.

Is anyone else in a similar position? AIBU and should I be putting more boundaries in place now? I’m really cautious of meeting his emotional needs and want to tackle this gently.

I think you are likely experiencing judgement over behaviours rather than breastfeeding.

nearly 2 is old enough to learn they can’t ‘dictate’ feeds.

I am wholly supportive of extended breastfeeding and have done it myself- but I do believe boundaries should be put in place for older toddlers who yank clothing, pull, tantrum and can’t wait a while if a feed isn’t convenient.

I was very firm from 18 months+ about pulling my clothes and grabbing.

I also wouldn’t let my coffee go cold or interrupt a task to feed.

i am very attachment-led, crunchy, cosleeping parent with zero routine but breastfeeding is such a physical thing and a tiring thing.

being strict about asking ‘nicely’ and waiting until I was ready to feed (once they were old enough to do both these things)- kept me breastfeeding for as long as I did.

a comforter would never have been a replacement for me, but I used to offer a hug or a sip of their drink if it wasn’t convenient/I didn’t want to feed at that time.

Fuck everyone else. Breastfeeding offers comfort, connection, nutrition and a small immunity boost. It’s also central to your relationship with your son. To him it’s not about feeding it’s about feeling reassured and connected. If anyone out there is telling you not to give your son reassurance and connection then please feel free tell them where to stick it. If their discomfort causes you to feel judged and uncomfortable then that’s a separate issue. You might want to talk to them about it or you might choose to feed out of eyegaze. Totally up to you. I had the exact same comments and eventually just stopped responding in a meaningful way. So they’d say ‘isn’t he a bit old’ and I’d say ‘I’m happy with my parenting decisions’ and smile.

And you wouldn’t give a biscuit each time a toddler asked for one would you

My littlest is 18m and I feel your pain with the dictating and tantrums. She throws proper strops if she doesn't get a boob in her face the absolute second she wants it. I've started having a cup nearby so each time she asks, I offer her some water first to try and distract her, and I have started to say no because I don't like being pawed at, or screamed at. It's made no difference as of yet, and she just puts her hand down my top and shouts at me, but we're persevering.

This is it, this is why boundaries are important. It might come across harmless feeding but it shows your toddler their feelings matter only and they can have boob when they want.

my toddler would ask for snacks every 30 mins if I kept letting him, it’s okay to bf your child you don’t have to listen to judgements on that, but if OP’s partner who is supportive of her bf has even commented about it getting too much then I think it’s time to put some boundaries in

It’s so hard isn’t it.. mine is the same. He acts as if I’ve done the worst thing imaginable when declining a breastfeed. Starting to think implementing a bit more of a routine might help set his expectations around it maybe.

Minimum twice on a good night (he’s never slept through or longer than 4.5 hours at a time. But lately from about 3/4am it’s pretty constant, maybe every hour until getting up 😭

The extended breastfeeding is fine, but it seems like it's his only tool for self regulation which I would be more concerned about. I would start introducing other options to do first: a hug, breathing together, a toy to hold, a game to distract etc. You don't want to leave him with no tools whenever you do stop breastfeeding.

I stopped around 18 months when I started to feel a physical aversion. That shift came quite suddenly for me, so I was glad that I had already done some preparation for it.

I think this is your sign to try and wean off the boob especially at night, and during the day boundaries in place

Yes you do need to put boundaries in place, with the people on your life who thinks it's ok to comment on your breastfeeding relationship with your son. It's absolutely none of their businesses. Can you find a come back you can repeat each time to stop them from commenting again. Something like 'now would you like my opinion on how long you breastfed your child for?'

No it isn't. She can wean whenever she wants to. There is no 'sign' that can be diagnosed by a stranger on the internet

Well this. Imagine at the school gates when he's 4 having a quick sip for comfort.

My friends daughter did this, she had a little clock in her bedroom and she was allowed to breast feed in the morning once the clock went green. I would try and night wean and say no boob from 10-6 or something like that, I think long term it is best for everyone if your toddler gets used to not needing milk to go back to sleep. Not only is it best for their teeth but it will help to learn self soothing etc

“He will often go in to a big meltdown if I refuse it”

This is what toddlers do. Mine does it if I try to stop him from running into the road or a lake, or climbing into the washing machine, or put sun cream on him. It doesnt mean we only do things that avoid a tantrum.

Having Said that, other people's judgement is not a reason to stop. I would be concerned that you say it's impacting his solids intake - he's potentially missing out on some vital nutrients and calories and eating skills.

Otherwise the only people who get to decide when BF stops are you and your child. One of you deciding to stop is enough. It doesnt have to be unanimous.

To be honest, OP put a crying face after up constantly from 3-4am. So I’m assuming she isn’t happy about this, her partner has also vocalled his feeling too. At the end of the day, if everyone is happy then by all means continue to wake up in the night for feeds but I personally think 20 months is a good time to start putting boundaries in place

This was my son!

Now 6, and a terrible sleeper and just referred to paediatrics for medical intervention. I'm not trying to scare you, but just point out that many needs are not strictly behavioural and you simply won't know at 20 months. What is typically developmentally appropriate doesn't extend to every child, they haven't read the rule book.

I had so many people tell me that it was my fault, need to sleep train, need to refuse the boob, need to do X Y and Z, but in the end the only thing that worked is continuing night feeds until he self weaned which he did when he was ready.

We did however move to a king size floor bed, because it enabled us all to get the best sleep together.

Is it making you happy @ByPearlDeer ?

@ByPearlDeer

Nothing wrong with what you're doing at all.
He is still so small. The WHO recommends feeding AT LEAST until 2 years and beyond. Natural term weaning is much later.

I feed my 22 month old, on demand anywhere and everywhere. no one has commented other than positive things. I plan to keep feeding on demand as long as he wants.

So long as you are happy to continue as you are then continue.

Emma Pickett has some really useful resources on extended breastfeeding, around when and how to put in place boundaries (if that's what you want), etc.
But there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding on demand either.

She also has resources on retorts you can give to people who have the need to comment, if you want to have something in your pocket because it is probably hard to come up with things in the moment.

I breastfed till 3.5 and 2.5 years. I found the comments peaked around 18 months then people sort not gave up on trying to get me to stop! I did have boundaries from 12-15 months though so fed morning and evening. They adjust quickly. First DD self-weaned at 3.5 but I stopped DD2 feeding at 2.5 as I was fed up of it.

@Helpmeplease2025breast milk and biscuits are not the same thing. It’s more akin to a child asking for water or cuddles.

See mine has only stopped bf about 2 wks he’s 26 months now, to be fair he gradually reduced himself over time he loves his grub and we were down to just bedtime. He has had frequent bouts of tonsillitis and always upped the intake to compensate for not being able to eat. So I would have a look in his mouth/throat make sure there’s nothing there causing issue. I’d not be bothered about age more the reluctance to take solids. My son’s comforter is a dummy, we’re trying to reduce that now and probs not great to now introduce. He also has a teddy we’ve always put in his cot which he’s now started cuddling at night, picking up to bring down and then take back to bed. I did also start to say not right now, it’s nearly breakfast/lunch/dinner time when he’d ask at meal times and could eat

YABU to use the phrase 'boob monster'.

As long as hes getting plenty of nutrition through solids and is starting to seek ways of soothing other than just BF then its amazing to keep going. I fed DS until he was 3 but did have boundaries in place for my own sanity. Not that anyone should be judging anyway, but as PPs have said, sounds like its not so much about feeding at all at this age.

Ask them if they would be saying that if you were giving your baby a dummy. If they have no problem with a 20mo having a dummy to soothe themselves then they’ve got no leg to stand on and need to STFU.

YABU to use the phrase 'boob monster'.

Have to agree with this🤣

DS1, once he started talking, used to ask for ‘side’ because I always said semi conversationally ‘Right, I’m going to switch you to the other side now’😅

I fed mine until about 2 and I def remember suddenly everyone in my nct group being aghast that we were still going. I clearly didn’t get the memo that everyone was stopping!

they were quite rude about it and it made me realise they weren’t actually that good friends. No massive loss.

Tell them to F off.