Breastfeeding judgement

[ByPearlDeer]

My son is almost 20 months old. He is still breastfed and has always been a “boob monster”, obsessed with feeding and prefers it to eating solids etc. We have never had a feeding schedule (he’s always been on and off all day) and he’s always been fed on demand.

Now that he’s older I’m really feeling the judgement from family and friends. I’m constantly getting comments like “didn’t he just have a feed an hour ago?”, “how is he on there again?!”, “what a surprise, he’s back on the boob” etc.

He seems to get overwhelmed easily and in newer/unfamiliar environments he does request it a lot more and it seems to help to regulate him. He will often go in to a big meltdown if I refuse it.

On the weekend, we had a meet up with friends (who also have young babies). They said I really needed to put boundaries in place and let him cry, one said I just need to go “cold turkey” now. Even my partner (who on the whole is super supportive) said I’m the problem now and letting him dictate when he feeds too much.

I’m happy to keep breastfeeding, but it’s making me feel like I’m doing something weird/failing by not being stricter about it as I only hear negativity.

Is anyone else in a similar position? AIBU and should I be putting more boundaries in place now? I’m really cautious of meeting his emotional needs and want to tackle this gently.

I voted YABU because of the lack of boundaries, and think this post sums it up well. Extended breastfeeding is beautiful, and well done you! But I think it's important toddlers are supported with boundaries, understanding consent, and guided towards healthy eating patterns that constantly allowing them to dictate milk does not help them establish.

It sounds like you need to gently move towards a routine, and introduce other comfort items too.

If you do want to make a change, distraction works well at this age. Writing little scripts to help in emotional moments can help you through it too. E.g. "we have our milk after lunch. Let's play with the cars now! Would you like to be the green car or the red car?"

I agree with @Scottishskifun.
I stopped at five months with my first as I returned to work. With my second she self weaned just before her first birthday, but we were down to one feed at night by then.
Couldn’t stand it if I was expected to be available at all hours, but if you don’t mind then that’s up to you. Does it impact on you doing things? What if you went out without him or does it mean you can’t? And how does he cope if out with his father without you? Or is that not an issue?
Wanting to continue to BF is totally up to you, but his using it to cope, his having a tantrum if denied is something I’d begin to address. Developmentally he should be understanding a sense of self, and begin to differentiate himself from others. Self awareness continues to grow into independence and autonomy. You should encourage this, and that means learning to deal with new and possible stressful situations on his own, without the need for physical soothing from breastfeeding. There are other ways he can get support from you. I’m certainly not suggesting you stop, but change why he needs/wants to do it.

I agree with this.

I was still breastfeeding ds2 at that age but it was max 2-3 times a day and I was only feeding him at home by then. I wanted him to be getting most of his nutrients from food. I was also getting a bit touched out from breastfeeding and didn’t want to be resenting it.

If you’re happy with it OP then crack on but it sounds like you might not be, and if you aren’t then it’s fine to set some boundaries around it.

Do what works for you. I still breastfeed my 3 year old. We don’t have set feeding times, some days they are very interested, some days less so. So it could be 3 times in a day or 20 times in a day. Other people can obviously comfort DC in different ways, they don’t ask anyone else if they can breastfeed them, just me. They’re my breasts and I’m happy whilst DC is happy. They know they have to wait sometimes if I’m busy or we’re in the car or whatever. But if a young child wants comfort from their mum and that’s how they seek it I don’t see it as an issue.

I agree with previous posters.
I fed all three of mine until they were two but I wouldn’t have taught them that tantrums work in getting them their own way.

Ignore the judgements OP.

My son was almost 4 and self weaned.

I will admit that by 3 and a half I do use the dont offer, don't refuse method, which helped because we were out and about a lot more and it just wasn't practical for me to always be sat down, but it's a perfectly natural, normal way of soothing babies and young children.

If there's anything I've learnt as a mother it's that you can't do anything right. Everything is subject to scrutiny, so you've got to learn to just feed 'em rice and let them piss into the wind with their judgements and do what works for you.

Both of mine were obsessed with formula and I had to go cold turkey on bottles just before two with both of them because they preferred bottles over actual food. Breast milk is obviously fine for however long you want to do it for but it should be complimentary to a balanced diet rather than mostly replacing it. I really empathise because I would have loved to gradually wean mine off instead of going cold turkey but the gradual approach just made my kids worse tbh. They also used bottles for comfort and I worried for ages about taking that comfort away. However, at 3 & 2 they both eat great and have replaced their comfort bottle with a teddy and a scruffy blanket.

All that said, if your happy with everything and it’s just people’s comments that are upsetting you, just try and brush it off. You are always judged as a mother unfortunately, no matter what. As long as you and your DC are happy that’s the most important thing.

Is this yet another post and run? 🏃‍♂️

I think it can be hard to strike a balance. How often is he actually feeding? At that age, it is ok to have boundaries in place, breastfeeding is a two way street after all. If he is demanding short feeds, very regularly, pulling your top down and having tantrums when you say no I would start to put boundaries in place. I fed both of my DC until three.

Ignore the judgemental comments, I only breastfed until DS was 9 weeks but found that people definitely had their opinions on me breastfeeding. When I switched to formula due to feeding issues, I suddenly stopped getting comments about feeding!

A lot of people push you to breastfeed and say it’s beautiful/magical then your child turns 1 and suddenly they are “too old” “it’s grim” “better get weaning” etc

I do want to echo what others are saying though regarding boundaries, my son is a snacker and he would eat snacks all day long if I let him. You do have to put boundaries in place. Yes they breakdown and tantrum for a few weeks but then they understand the boundaries and you’ll find things easier when out and about. At 20 months they will understand this, a routine would be ideal. You don’t have to stop breast feeding - but you’ll feel more in control and it will stop the breakdowns when out.

If you are happy with it and your child is happy with it then there is no problem.

Let them think what they want - it really doesn't concern them.

Why would it be? OP posted less than 2 hours ago.

OP hasn't said that she has any kind of issue with it at all though. She doesn't mind. It's only other people's comments that are getting to her.

Why encourage OP to change anything at all when she's fine with the situation and so is her child?

For the child’s dignity? He’s a 20 month old toddler for god sake, not a 20 year old man.

Mine were both bottle feed but if your both happy with the situation it's no one else, s business.

OP has asked for advice RE boundaries. I don't think this is necessarily about breastfeeding but a developmental stage of pushing boundaries. We know that it is healthy for children to be given boundaries at this stage.

He's 20 months old. He's not even 2 yet.

Of course he's using it as a comfort and to cope with new/ unfamiliar situations - he's only 20 months old and it's been his main comfort since he was born. A baby wanting this sort of comfort from his mum is normal.

Tantrums happen at this age, about anything and everything, and yes there are ways of addressing that. But why anyone would judge a mum breastfeeding a 20 month old baby or encourage her to do anything differently when she's happy and it's working, is beyond me.

It might be different if he was 4 years old, but he's not. He's still very little.

She didn't ask for advice on boundaries.

She said her friends are pressuring her to put boundaries in place and asked if people agreed.

It sounds very much like she doesn't really want to but is feeling judged.

Please, please, please don’t let anyone else’s comments put you off. Do what suits you and your child. I breastfed DS1 until he was 3, slightly younger for DS2. My own family were all very supportive as they did similar, but DP’s family were awful. One of his sisters breastfed until her children were around 2 and she got the same horrible remarks as me. I found that DS1 only fed a couple of times a day as he got older, a bit more when he was ill and it was better for my own mental health to keep the fact he was still breastfed to myself. It’s nobody else’s business and people who tell you that it’s more for you than the child, or that it’s going to have a detrimental effect on the child or any of the other bullshit made up nonsense, are ignorant and woefully uneducated about breastfeeding.

Tough one. I was still feeding mine at that age but it was about twice a day from memory and he never demanded it or had a melt down if he didn’t and stopped on his own a couple of months later.

I don’t think still BF’ing at this age is a bad thing at all, you carry that on for as long as you’re both comfortable with it. The tantrums around it would concern me, personally. But it’s your kid and you know them better than any of us 🤷‍♀️

This. Breast is best, it's science. Anyone who suggests otherwise is a complete moron and not worth attention. FWIW it's only the UK who has appallingly low breastfeeding rates. As long as you're ok with it, who cares what anyone else thinks (as long as breastmilk isn't replacing solids, so do feeds after solids, and not before).

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to comment. I don’t know anyone in my personal life who is still breastfeeding a child at this age so it’s lovely to hear from others who have to make me feel less alone!! For what it’s worth, I also found Emma Pickett on Instagram and she is a big advocate of breastfeeding and I’ve found her podcasts really informative and reassuring.

I agree it’s no one else’s business if I want to continue to breastfeed my child and I should keep reminding myself of that. I am proud of where we’ve got to with it and it’s been a godsend during times of illness, bad sleep etc.

Most of the time it’s manageable but we do go through phases where the demands are pretty constant and I definitely feel a bit out of control with it. I always prioritise his needs over my own (as I guess most mums would) but it’s nice to be reminded that I matter too and setting some boundaries in place won’t do him or I any harm. Thanks for the tips on how to do this too.

One thing I do need to work on is that I can sometimes feel very overstimulated myself and sometimes putting him on the boob feels like the easiest option to have a few minutes of quiet when in social situations/tired at home. When he’s with his dad he’s fine, he just rejects him at night time wakes as he is only settled by the boob at this time. He goes to the childminders 3 days a week and is fine there but in desperate for a feed when I pick him up - probably to reconnect more than anything else as he eats ok there.

He’s never had any other comforter, never taken to a muslin, Teddy or anything like that. Has anyone got any tips on how to reduce one at this stage? I would love to think he’s got something else he can use as a source of comfort.

That should say on how to introduce one (comforter)… not reduce.

You carry on and ignore them. My daughter fed until she was nearly 3 and is so self-assured, intelligent and independent as a 4 year old.

You will know when the time is right to stop. Due to my daughter's age, we were able to mutually agree a date for stopping, so she was prepared for it and accepted that she was now a big girl so didn't need it any more but we would still have lots of cuddles.

It couldn't be any less of anyone's business than you two alone 🙂

If you don’t mind me asking, how many times is he waking for feeds in the night?