Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

100% agree. Block and move. He doesn't bother much about your struggles does he?

GripGetter I’m sorry to say that my father in law has behaved like this to three widows and is now moving on to another one. The only thing that stopped him with the first one was her son phoning him and telling him to stop as he was causing her great distress. Sadly, some of these pushy, insensitive men only respond to another man as they see women as weak and fair game.

sounds to me like he wants to be your shoulder to cry on, at which point he'll probably try and shag you.

I agree with this approach.

Be blunt and don't say anything about being in touch in the future.

Verging on harassment, a genuine friend wouldn’t do this. Just block. He isn’t a friend. Sorry you are having such a tough time OP.

I value this person’s friendship,

Like others I am wondering why.

He doesn't seem to value you at all.

He may have been ok in the past but he absolutely isn't now & he isn't listening to you either & making sure that he does what he wants.

What makes you think he will ever improve from this?

OP, this is harassment, plain and simple.

1. He started doing this after your husband died. Suggests ulterior motives and it's hugely disrespectful to both you and your late husband.
2. You ask him to contact you less and he just keeps going. Blatant boundary violation.
3. If you block him he contacts you via other platforms.

At this point he is trying to wear you down. He wants a relationship by any means necessary, that much is clear. His behavior is a massive red flag.

Personally I would block him on everything, but don't be surprised if he shows up in person when you do. Preserve. He will eventually learn that his behavior does not pay off.

You might also want to read 'The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. If worst gets to worst, contact the police. Keep a record of all communication attempts in the meanwhile.

He wants a relationship with you. If you dont want one with him you need to be incredibly firm, and probably cut him out of your life.

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your husband and all that you have been through. This man is nothing but a drain on your time and your emotions. As others have said, a real friend, that is a friend who truly cares for you would do as you have asked. This alone demonstrates he is not a genuine friend. You sound so kind and thoughtful and he sounds the total opposite. Would you consider changing your number? That would be one way of stoppping the messages. This can be a hassle but it would get him out off your phone

^^. This is perfect!

So sorry for your loss op.

I have a family member who is constantly sending WhatsApp messages and I find it stressful as it is always somehow on my to do list to reply to him, so I completely understand where you are coming from op, and it must be even more distressing when you are going through the stress of grief. And all of the paper work associated with bereavement.

I am sorry that you have to do this but I think you are going to have to assert yourself very forcefully and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop. He is either praying on you deliberately, or has the hide of a rhinoceros or both,

He's not a friend, he's an obsessive stalking entitled cunt who has no respect for your boundaries.

If you had blocked him you wouldn't be seeing his messages any more. So block his number, and for the email set up a mailbox rule that deletes anything from him as soon as it is received.

If he knows where you live and you think he might come round once you stop engaging with his messages, get a doorbell camera and report him to the police for harassment. If he only has phone number and email address then perhaps police aren't necessary.

Some of the drafted replies above are deranged - you should never use the words "sorry" or "please" or "dear x" or any of that sort of people pleasing language with cunts like this. They will see absolutely any response as a green light to carry on or even up the ante.

Women are not obliged to listen to anyone else's problems or engage with anyone or be anyone's friend or read drivel about what someone had for breakfast or put up with harassment or do any of the nonsense that's expected of us especially by men (but often by other women too).

I am sorry for your loss, and that you are having to deal with this arsehole at what is probably the worst time in your life. And I am sorry if this reply seems angry - it is, I am angry at men like this, not at you.

You are right Katiesaidthat
We have had conversations about how he finds fault with every single person who comes into his life.
Ive known his over 20 years, and been there through 10s of disastrous relationships, where the other person is always the problem
I have stopped physically meeting up with him after a few occasions of him being rude to staff in shops and restaurants on our trips that left me feeling so uncomfortable for them, and so angry at him that the day was ruined.

Apologies op for derailing your thread. I really needed to talk about this but was scared of starting a thread about it incase of being accused of being a horrible person.
I hope you find a resolution.

!00% agree, all started after h died. I'd be letting this one go, he sounds a complete pita, trampling over your emotions, possibly trying to cheer you up with the silly videos, but who needs that in your situation?
Doesn't seem to have any filter whatsoever. I wouldn't bother reading stuff from him and telling him I'll et back ini touch when I'm ready.
This comes across as harassment, why the hell does he think this is okay to do this? Seems more about him, a real friend wouldn't do this, they would give you the space you need and would help in a productive way, not pestering.

I agree with many of the posters above who are saying this is stalking territory, and the fact you have told him to scale it back and he hasn't is unacceptable.

I would steer clear of any response that makes it sound like you're not coping in general, that you're sorry or you value him.

Keep it simple, maybe something like "x, I've asked you before to stop sending me so many messages. In the past week alone, you've me X many messages. I'm asking you for the final time to stop."

And then block if he continues.

Overstepping boundaries. Someone like this needs to be kept at arm’s length. If that doesn’t work then you’ll have to go no contact. Any chink of light and they’re in there. Draining.

Harassing a recent widow isn't being nice or friendly. I think the problem is that because you think of him as a friend, you're excusing behaviour that you wouldn't tolerate from anyone else. I don't know why you would warn him, you've already set boundaries and he ignored them.

I am sorry for your loss.

I think, very simply, he's got you to himself now (in his mind). Before, your husband was there as a barrier and someone he had to "share" you with. That would have tempered his behaviour towards you quite a bit. Now that your husband has sadly passed away, the obstacle has gone, and he wants all of your attention. This is not necessarily a romantic thing. But it is obsessive, and I would be telling him quite firmly to back off.

It's draining isn't it?
I have had this with a so called friend before. It went on for months, and in the end i muted him and stopped replying to his texts at all yet he just kept going!
Months of him daily texting me and him just having this one sided conversation with himself.
Thank god he didn't know where i lived😞

He's preying on you and harassing you now he sees you're vulnerable and financially interesting to him ... He's not a friend, he's a predator.

Block and move on.

Thing is.. even this is still engagement and I think that will fuel it further

@smmontana I don’t think it will make the slightest of difference if you ask nicely or bluntly, whether you say to him he is upsetting you or making things harder.

to him this is nothing about you, it’s all about him. He’s not thinking of you at all in all of this, it’s all on his terms and now he’s harassing and stalking you.

there is literally no point in asking at all. Just block on everything and if need be change your number and move everything over to your new number and just leave him behind.

this is going to escalate. Start getting your head around the fact that you may have to involve the police.

people like him target people like you. You’re kind and friendly and give everybody the benefit of the doubt.

This man is doing you no good and it sounds like you will never be able to go back to whatever friendship you had before. That old relationship has gone. This one is now just one-sided harassment. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. 🤗

I agree with those who say 'don't say sorry/please/would you mind'. Men like this just hear it as weakness and encouragement. I think you need a firm 'Stop contacting me by any means. I will regard any further attempts to contact me as harassment and involve the police.' Then you will have this mail as evidence you have asked him to stop if it needs to go further.

If you have other friends who you trust, please get support from them.

Women do not 'owe' men attention, or being nice. We are allowed to be angry, to chose our friends, to change our minds, and our word should be final.

If he didn't message you with similar regularity whilst your husband was still alive then I suspect that he now sees you as 'available'. The frequency of messages and seeming inability to respect your boundaries are both warning signs that seem to indicate an obsession.

You've done well in distancing yourself by muting these messages and not responding, but seemingly this isn't enough. You might have to tell him that if he doesn't desist, you'll have no option but to block.

I'm very sorry about your loss.

I completely understand that you don't have the head space or emotional energy right now to address this issue, but you deserve better friendship than this harassment. There is nothing of 'value' in what you describe. You will feel so relieved when you block him.

I'd say I'm sorry but the amount of messages I'm receiving from you, and our communications are really stressful for me. I'll be in touch in a few months time, but I need a lot of breathing space at the moment. Than I would delete all messages without reading them so he knows you haven't and block him if he persists. It's really disresptful and I'd say, one step up from bordering on harassment.

This isn’t a friend this is a stalker.

change your number and block him on SOcisl media.