Dreading anniversary as DH lack of present upsetting

[Manatee50]

Had a milestone wedding anniversary a few years ago and DH bought a thumb pot. Needless to say I was not impressed. Another major anniversary last year was sidelined by ‘I didn’t know what to get - I wanted us to choose something together’ but the time passed and nothing happened. Every year as the time approaches - I’m filled with disappointment beforehand as I know he hasn’t thought about it. I never ask for anything, in over 25 years of marriage the present front has been meagre - a book, a cd, flowers but nothing of real value or that he’s taken time to think about. Am I expecting too much. Feel guilty even venting this.

I don't think YANBU at all, it's really not unusual or immoral to want your partner to care about what matters to you and show you that you're loved. Doesn't even need to be expensive as long as it is thoughtful. My ex would buy me last minute expensive things and I'd feel like an absolute bitch but I always just felt rubbish about them, because there was zero thought.

What’s a thumb pot?

Why do you feel guilty?
Have high standards for male behaviour and ensure your husband knows what you want and deserve.
Tell him clearly that you expect him to put thought and care into buying you a gift that you will love.

It's not difficult in the slightest, so he can't pretend to be incapable.

Wondering the same thing,
Google suggests it is literally a tiny thumb sized ceramic pot. What a bizarre gift

This ^

and

if you love him and are otherwise happy, why not take control of the situation and tell him 'let's have a lovely break away somewhere for our anniversary as our present', and stop waiting for what you know isn't going to happen (ie: the romantic present)

However, if he's quite a shitty husband in other respects and this is the tip of the ice-berg then LTB.

My DH is not fantastic at presents, but he's there for me 24/7 and has my back no matter what and i feel loved by him. If i asked him for the moon he'd get me it with a ribbon on it - but there's no way he'd think to go out and buy it unless i said ...

Is a thumb pot a thimble?

A small bowl that you’re meant to put the jewellery you didn’t receive into 😔

Just tell him what you want, or give him a list he can pick from. It's not ideal, but if it means you get something you enjoy and feel great about receiving, and he gets to gift you something he knows you'll appreciate, that's the win right there. Sometimes you just have to outright ask for the specific thing you want, and then you might just get it. Figure out a way for you to both win here. If you give him a list, and he still does nothing and gets you nothing...that's a whole other issue.

🤣
((hug))

Ask for the jewellery. Take him out and point at it.

You're not expecting enough op, not too much. Your standards are on the floor because you've accepted the bare minimum all these years

Really sorry OP, it can feel so degrading when your partner doesn't want to treat yoi the way you see other women being treated.

Ive never heard of a thumb pot as a term, its like a jewellery dish or a trinket bowl right? Why on earth would he come up with that idea?

How can you have had 2 milestone anniversaries if you've only been married 25 years, surely you have one your 25th?

If you are otherwise happy and he's a lovely dh I absolutely would not be bothered. If he's a thoughtless arse and you aren't happy then presents are the least of your worries. Just book yourselves a weekend away somewhere posh if otherwise all is well?

I know exactly how you feel. OH is crap at presents, he goes straight to the reduced section and buys me anything with a dog on it - job done, as far as he's concerned. For my last birthday I got a printed off ticket (a repeat for an event we went to last year) stuffed into a used gift bag with no label. I was fairly upset.. but feel awful complaining because I'm not that sort of person. I'm not precious about birthdays and Christmas, it's the lack of any thought whatsoever. He lives with me every single day ffs - he must see what sort of stuff I like?!
I think what possibly makes it worse is that I put a lot of thought into the gifts I buy for people. Are you the same? It just feels so hurtful when there's no thought. After long, long discussions I just don't think he gets it. Either that, or he's an amazing actor!

This.

Why didn’t you tell him 25 years ago what you wanted?

If he’s always been shit at presents he’s not going to miraculously improve. So you can:
pick something and tell him to get it for you
seethe inwardly.

DH is terrible at picking presents. I now pick what I want and he buys it. He is very generous but lacks imagination. He did spontaneously get me a kindle once and I was horrified but now absolutely love it.

You say you never ask for anything - maybe you could try asking? Some people (not just men) are hopeless at choosing gifts, why not help him out and get something you love.

If you want a decent present and lack thereof is making you upset, make it very clear it's a real issue.

@Manatee50 Honestly? You know him well enough to know he is crap at present buying, so really the onus is on YOU to point him in the direction of what you want, instead of him changing his whole being and buying you your desired thing. I like giving stuff but boy, I stress so much about it, its a hateful trait. So, this time you TELL HIM what you want and WHERE to get it. Im sure he will be thankful! Imagine if he got ou a nice ring, but you hated it, again he will have 'done it wrong'. Show him a photo or your kids a photo, and get them to help dad!

What do you want to get? Are you talking to him about things you have seen or generally what you like or is he supposed to guess?

My own children know to listen to what people say, Ds1 wrote something in his phone as he was 13 and didn't know how to get something I had talked about. 5 months later Christmas rolls round and there is the thing I talked about. But, Dh listens too so he has a good role model.

Talk about going away, a concert, an event, jewellery you like but I would talk to him before the anniversary to tell him what your expectations are this year. Tell him to listen to what you are saying and not leave it until the last second to buy it.

Women seem to love 'hoping' for something nice as if it means less if you tell them what you want. Save the aggro and just bloody tell him!

<googles thumb pot>

That’s rubbish, OP. Tell him you want a decent present for once. He must see other couples making a big deal on certain anniversaries?

Completely understand. Last year for my birthday - when I was in hospital - my husband gave me a card saying that when I lose weight he will take me shopping.
I was a size 12/14 and I’m 5’9.
He genuinely doesn’t see why he’s such a prick

If this is how he's been for 25 years, it's quite unlikely he's had a sudden change and I think it would be unreasonable to expect it. You want a special surprise gift to mark the day but this is not the guy to do that.

You could show him what you would want online and watch him purchase it and pay for gift wrap but then it's not a surprise but I think that's as good as it will get.

Often men are pandered to by saying they're 'no good' at thinking of gifts, or that bare minimum behaviour 'doesn't occur' to them and other such excuses.

Don't fall for it, it's nothing to do with 'love languages' or showing he cares in other ways. He should be treating you excellently anyway, that's a base line. He should be enhancing your life and making it easier and fun, since that's the entire point of marriage.

Thinking 'its our anniversary soon, I know my wife loves XYZ and is interested in ABC so I'll get her this gift' is a simple thing to do to show your spouse you like and love them.

Zero effort or an afterthought is giving a very clear message.

Why should you have to ask for what you want - or provide an Amazon list/go window shopping and point it out? Seems like wife work to me.

DH was crap at gifts when we were dating and so we haven't bothered with gifts for 25 years, bar a few bits here and there. He's been a fantastic husband and father, so in the grand scheme of things I don't give a shit and I knew what I was getting myself in for.

TBH we both work, so what's the point in saying 'buy me that for my birthday/xmas' when I can get it with my own money? I saw something last week right up DH's street so I bought it, but it wasn't a birthday or anniversary, just an average Wednesday.

If he's done fuck all in 25 years, why are you surprised this year, OP?

I agree with a pp: go out for dinner or away for the weekend together, activities are more interesting than stuff.