Dreading anniversary as DH lack of present upsetting

[Manatee50]

Had a milestone wedding anniversary a few years ago and DH bought a thumb pot. Needless to say I was not impressed. Another major anniversary last year was sidelined by ‘I didn’t know what to get - I wanted us to choose something together’ but the time passed and nothing happened. Every year as the time approaches - I’m filled with disappointment beforehand as I know he hasn’t thought about it. I never ask for anything, in over 25 years of marriage the present front has been meagre - a book, a cd, flowers but nothing of real value or that he’s taken time to think about. Am I expecting too much. Feel guilty even venting this.

A trip abroad

Married 12 years. DH is a prince of a man, truly - pulls his weight in the house and with DS. However, he isn't great at gifts. So I tell him what I would like. It means I don't get a surprise - but everything else is brilliant, so it's a small compromise to make.

Thumb pot. A small pot made by pushing a thumb into clay then glazed. For salt and pepper mostly. Bit bloody mean you only got one for the salt 😡

Start asking for what you want he clearly doesn’t know so asking will give him ideas and ensure you get something you want. You could make it something involving choice like flowers or a silver chain etc

I hate getting presents, especially ones that are a surprise. The greatest gift you could gift me is not gifting me anything.

My ideal, would be someone asking exactly what I wanted, a nice meal out, an adventure day or a weekend away. I also dislike giving presents, because I don't want to get it horribly wrong, sounds like you're husband is a bit like that. Help him out by telling him, or organise something lovely together.

I would never get that for DH or want him to get that for me. I'd be well up for a trip to celebrate our anniversary but it would be planned and decided together and it would be our present to each other doing it. I'd find any expectation of additional presents to each other overbearing.

THAT is your real problem - the day-to-day love and care that's lacking. The deeper stuff. The present issue is a symptom of it, not the real cause.

Presents don't really matter if your partner shows that he/she loves and cherishes you all the other days of the year. DP and I aren't great at gifts and mostly take other out to restaurants instead; when we've done gifts, some have landed well and some (from both of us!) have been total lead balloons. But we laugh them off because they're not litmus tests for us.

They become litmus tests when you don't feel you receive love and affection more generally...

People treat you how you let them.

what did you get him on your anniversary?

I organised a short trip abroad.

I would think of that as a joint present for both of us, chosen and planned together. I wouldn't expect something else on top.

Dh has form for this. We now go to a travel agent together and book something

Well I'd just up and say we're off to chose my ring/bag/necklace Saturday so get your wallet ready mate.

Even though the OP will have prepared everything? Because she’ll have seen that as HER present

It can only be a shared present if her dh has put as much effort into it as she has. I mean how can it be a shared present if he just has to turn up?

The bar is very low for men.

When one of you does all the leg work and pays for the bulk of then I think it’s a bit one sided

It is. But was the trip a surprise present? If you had talked about it then he should have wanted to be involved more with planning but still not unreasonable for him to consider it a joint thing for you both overall with the token present of the pot being therefore plenty

We're all different. For me because all our money is one joint pot not his and hers and we would plan it together. We'd enjoy planning what we were going to do as part of the whole fun of the experience. I don't see holiday planning as legwork. I wouldnt enjoy being told where I was going and having no input into the decision making.

You didn’t realise it was a thing that people give each other presents to mark anniversaries?

Come off it. There’s no prize for efforts to be the ‘cool wife’ on the race to the bottom.

I’ve been married 29 years and didn’t even realise buying anniversary presents for each other was a thing.

I guess like for birthdays, Christmas etc it’s best to chat about expectations and stick to whatever you’ve both decided on.

I didn’t either.

I’m with some of the pps who have great dhs and aren’t bothered about presents because of this. Mine does and gets things for me all the time, just because. It was our anniversary recently; I saw a beautiful thing I just had to have, got it home and told him he’d bought it me for our anniversary. Perfect!

it’s if he’s thoughtless and uncaring generally that you have a problem.

Some people just aren’t present people
and just don’t get it some people are and go massively overboard
we’re all different there’s no great history of present buying so why do you think there’s going to be to a massive upturn

tbh the way you value presents and going about them probable irritates him as much as him not bothering irritates you

(He then bought himself a book he’d had his eye on, from me obv).

My mum really focused on the lack of gifts and was always disappointed, but everyone else couldn’t understand why she still got her hopes up. The marriage was shit so she really wanted a sign of love
In all the relationships and 1 marriage I’ve had, the times I’ve not been bothered are when the relationship is good.