Dreading anniversary as DH lack of present upsetting

[Manatee50]

Had a milestone wedding anniversary a few years ago and DH bought a thumb pot. Needless to say I was not impressed. Another major anniversary last year was sidelined by ‘I didn’t know what to get - I wanted us to choose something together’ but the time passed and nothing happened. Every year as the time approaches - I’m filled with disappointment beforehand as I know he hasn’t thought about it. I never ask for anything, in over 25 years of marriage the present front has been meagre - a book, a cd, flowers but nothing of real value or that he’s taken time to think about. Am I expecting too much. Feel guilty even venting this.

You're being unreasonable because you know what's going to happen and you're choosing to let it happen. You can stop the pattern by telling him what you want before the event. If he says he wants to choose something together, perfect. Tell him "OK, Saturday afternoon, we're going shopping". Isn't that a better option than moping around for the next couple of weeks and then feeling worse?

Buy your own jewellery then?
What did you buy him?

Do you enjoy being together? If so why dread it, plan a day out, meal out or weekend away in advance to celebrate that. If you know he is rubbish at buying presents but it means a lot to you give him a suggested list and let him pick. Or give each of you a set amount of money and you both choose something to mark the occasion. You would have a lot more to dread if he wasn't around for your anniversary any more for whatever reason.

Why aren’t you that sort of person? OP has the same thought. She thinks “I never ask for anything” means some nice person should see the need and fill it—graciously and joyfully. And some nice person should but you havevto puck that nice person rather carefully at the start. You get what you accept.

OP’s husband thinks his behavior is quite good enough for OP. If she wants to see more joyful , caring, thoughtful effort from him she will have to either retrain him or toss him overboard.

If she wants to do the first then read the five love languages and figure out if he is expressing love at all even if only in a language only he can speak. He may not be. Plenty of women have discovered that their dh was perfectly capable of thoughtful gifts snd even poetry to people other than herself. If he is expressing love in his own way teach him to speak your language.

If he is not expressing love, even in a tacit or idiosyncratic way, then toss him overboard and look for a better man.

I am absolutely shit at buying presents. I don't know what to get anyone.

If presents matter to you it would be a good idea to at least give him some kind of hints.

I’ve never celebrated our anniversary with dh. It has always felt pointless to me.

HOWEVER, it is clearly important to you.
You’ve told him that much.
He should make an effort because he knows it’s important to you. What’s what CARING for someone looks like.

You are coming across as a bit of a passive aggressive martyr OP. You’ve never asked for anything in 25 years and I bet you’ve never told him his presents are not what you want. ie something expensive.
What did you get him? Or is it only you that needs a prize for being married for another year?
Tbh I’d rather a partner who pulled his weight in the relationship and showed he loved and cared for me on a day to day basis than a once a year gift.

It’s makes me very sad. I think he thought it was unusual and from a fairly expensive shop so it would be appropriate. But of all the gifts they sell it didn’t land well.

After 25 years of marriage?
I mean that’s the OP having to ‘give hints’ fur Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries and maybe Mother’s Day too?
She might as well buy her own stuff.

There is ‘not being good at buying’ and weaponised incompetence and laziness . After that long together, he should be able to get something she enjoys wo ‘hints’

The thing is some people really aren't present driven.
My DH buys me books because that's what he would be happy with as a gift.. I also do like books but like you I'd have tried to think of something a bit more romantic and meaningful etc..
Now days in my marriage I'm just proactive about it so I don't get disappointed. I look at the bigger picture. My DH is my best friend and has been there for me in so many situations. I know he loves me. He like many men sadly, was never really expected to think about gifts throughout his early life so lacks the natural ability now. He does try a bit.. he will get cards and flowers without being reminded but if you were expecting something more creative that's just not going to happen.
So now days if I've something in mind I just directly communicate it and my expectations.
Usually it's that we plan a night without the kids together.. go to a yurt or something, get some nice wine etc. Amd that's something I can suggest and get his input in. No it's not a suprise but I didn't marry an imaginary man from a romcom. But I did marry a decent, kind and trustworthy man who's an amazing father so I'm happy with that tbh. And he's hot and interesting.
I'll let the lack of imagination regarding romantic gifts go.

Call it weaponised incompetence if you want to but I don't mean to weaponise it. I just don't have a clue. DH has a few hobbies but equipment is niche and I would need him to tell me exactly what he wanted. I've bought a few books over the years that he often doesn't have time to read because he's reading stuff he's bought himself. Clothes, maybe. Bit boring though. He gives his parents ideas of stuff he wants for birthdays and Christmas but often struggles to think of something himself.

There are a couple of women in my life I buy presents for. They say the like them but I don't entirely believe it. It's all just stuff. Ornaments and jewellery and wot not. I've got to 46 years old and never really felt I've ever got the hang of present buying. It's not for everyone.

What’s he like as a husband the rest of the year?

Yes I know what’s going on as it’s the same pattern for birthdays and anniversaries. But even after all these years I find it really hard to be up front and ask for something. Maybe he thinks no matter what - I’ll be disappointed. But after all these years I would expect him to at least make some effort - even if it’s just to browse the shops but I feel he needs to initiate that at least

But after all these years I would expect him to at least make some effort

..Surely after all these years you would expect him to continue as he has always done? Why would it occur to him to change?

I have been married for 35 years. Neither of us has ever given the other an anniversary present. I didn't realise it was A Thing.
But, OP, why do you expect your husband to change after so many years? He is just being himself. If he is usually kind to you, and the marriage is happy, then a present is meaningless, especially if you have to pressurise him to get it.

I understand, OP. Asking for something can come across as a bit grabby, not asking for something results in getting nothing. I think all you can do is lay out your expectations early, as in 'it's our XX anniversary next week. I'd like it if you got me (whip out website) something from this collection. Anything particular you'd like me to get you?'

If you're unlucky you get one like my last XP. I told him I would very much like a dressing gown for Christmas. His reply was 'you've already got one.' Yes, it's twenty five years old and I use it for dyeing my hair... I did not get a dressing gown. I got five boxes of chocolates, all identical.

Print out what you want and put it in the fridge with a note saying Anniversary present for (your name) Order from xyz website by xx date (sufficiently in advance). Job done.

If he still doesn’t do it he never will.

I’m no martyr but I think my expectation of what I what I want (a token or emotional) from the marriage has dropped despite communicating this.

ive stopped getting him anything!

as for the rest I’m not sure the day to day stuff is there and the present issue is part of something more deeper

If he's otherwise your perfect partner then I'd arrange a long weekend away somewhere nice. If he's lacking in other areas I'd still book the trip but take a friend.

I think you have 3 choices -

1. Get over it and don't let it upset you
2. Take control of the situation - "I've booked us a weekend away, meal out etc." OR "I have found a nice necklace, I'd love it if you bought it for me for my birthday etc etc."
3. Leave him

I go for option 2 with my OH (not presents but I organise stuff for us to do to celebrate). This isn't my hill to die on and this feels like a good compromise.

But after all these years I would expect him to at least make some effort

The best indicator if future behaviour is past behaviour. He is not going to make any effort this year precisely because he never made any effort for all those years that have come before. He's not going to suddenly change OP.... surely you must realise that deep down?

What had you bought him when he bought you a thumb pot?

Yes exactly - I totally understand what you’re saying. I mentioned it to a relative of his and they said he had many good qualities and at least he hadn’t betrayed you!

He’s not going to change!

See I think this is the issue. My DH is also truly shit at getting presents, so I feel your pain and it becomes a vicious circle of disappointment on both parts. However, I don't have many other areas of complaint and so it's not a big deal.

It sounds like you feel undervalued and not loved generally, not specifically wrt to presents.