MiL has really upset me

[ToadRage]

I know on other post i have said i get on well with my Mil and we usually do but this last visit she really upset me. I am disabled and stopped working in January, my husband also changed his job to a part time one so he could take care of me. I get ESA and PIP. I went to bed early and when my husband came up he was really angry, i asked him why and she had apparently been ranting about him being a 'benefits bum'.

The next day when i was there, she started up again and was going on about 'Why can't he work full time' and 'Why couldn't he just walk into a £50k job and pay someone else to look after me', 'She's not happy' and how 'It's not what she wanted for him'. She is totally deluded to expect him to be able to find a job with a salary like that especially in the current jobs market, the average salary is only about 25/30k.

Does she think its what i wanted? That i chose to become disabled and have to give up working, use a walking stick and wear AFOs in my 30's. It took everything i have not to burst into tears cos although she didn't come right out and say it it felt like she was blaming me for him only working part time and him having to look after me. He did his best to defend me saying 'it was his job to look after me.' 'We didn't want a stranger coming in and doing it for him' but when she gets a thought in her head changing is nigh on impossible.

The next morning she had the nerve to ask him why he couldn't claim PIP for him autism.

As if her visits don't wear me out enough, am to be upset by all of this. He is not a' benefits bum' he is a carer, he knew what he signed up for when he married me.

Its a hard one i think. How much care do you need- personal care? He has the potential to work full time but chooses not to, so I think that's hard for some to understand. I think being on benefits is always a contentious one. Obviously it's yours and your husband choice to work or not but it's his mum so I suppose she can have a personal chat with him about his/your future. Sounds like she wants the best, it comes from a good place.

Your upset is completely understandable.
Being a carer is really draining so your MIL is probably worried about her son but has expressed it poorly. You sound young and if your DH already has had to drop to part time working to care for you, your MIL is probably concerned your DH will never be able to work full time.

Your MiL’s behaviour sounds horrendous and you and your DH decision has nothing to do with her! I would limit contact with her a little bit and keep her at arms length while you both walk this new path in life and get your bearings. Your DH sounds like a bloomin good bloke to go part time and look after you. You’ve chosen a lovely one there. Xx

I think you should have just cried in front of her OP. It would have shown her the results of her expressing unkind opinions.

If you've previously got along it might have softened her. If it didn't, you and your husband would have been given carte blanche to tell her to fuck off.

She doesn't sound particularly nice.

I expect in some weird way it's come from a place of love (for her son). This decision is likely to have a huge, perhaps permanent, impact on his prospects. It will impact things like buying a house, building a good pension, and his general quality of life.

What if you divorce in 5, 10, 15 years? He'll struggle to go back to his previous career at that age.

From the outside, when there is only one person in a relationship working, it does seem odd for the breadwinner to go part time.

But if you need care, then you need care. And if you've made the decision as a couple that he'll provide it, more power to you. At the end of the day it's not really any of her business.

I can understand her disappointment. It’s like the elephant in the room. Is it really necessary that neither of you work?
Can you not work from home on a laptop and get a carer?
Genuine question. Personally I’d be devastated if my son ended up being someone’s carer, so early on. Is this what you really want OP??

She can't help being disabled.

Can you not be left alone all day, is that why he has reduced his hours. How do you manage when he is at work? I would be worried if I was his mother, that this is the beginning of the end of his career and all the dreams along with it. Do you really want a life on benefits?

I’m sure she doesn’t want a life on benefits @Vivienne1000 ! I’m assuming that wearing AFOs means you have weakness or serious foot/leg issues OP. That’s very tough.
I hope you don’t have a lot of pain.
Im sorry to hear about your MIL - culture has generally shifted towards people being more openly aggressive about people “not working” so it’s something you will both face more and more.
I completely understand the lack of desire to have strangers in your home. As a young woman you will feel the notion of intrusion more.
Im a carer for my profoundly disabled DC and have only been able to get the coveted part-time term-time job last year that is the only thing I can do with my daughters needs.
Not everyone understands how tiredness (from pain or lack of sleep) affects everything you do or think - but I found depression creeps in with lack of money or power to choose that comes from not working.
To that end, anything your partner, or you, can do is bound to make life easier.
You don’t need to do it for MIL or other people but perhaps there’s something you’d both be able to do together or separately that’s more of a self-employed or “interest” based work that would be fulfilling as well as generate income.

ftom personal experience- there’s nothing good about benefits and it’s very much a matter of need. I spent years being frustrated and my only outlet was taking up painting (as a hobby) when DC started school. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do more with that.

And though it’ll bite - maybe trialling having carers would be beneficial for you both. You can approach the council and see via their resources whst you could get. Maybe you’d enjoy outside company other than DH every once in a while..DH could have a break too.

Could DH work evenings (even occasionally) or WFH?

I'd be concerned for my son and his future if he made a similar choice. I'd hate to see him struggle financially if he had the potential not to. I definitely wouldn't consider him a "bum" though. Caring is such a difficult job!

She would never be darkening my door again. Someone needs to tell her to fuck right off.

I'm in a situation that is similar to you in some ways, @ToadRage. I don't think it's helpful to see your MiL's take as benefits bashing. It's more like a clash of values.
Some people really do see careers as the be-all and end-all of life. I'm not one of those people. For me a job provides necessary income, but meaning and purpose come from other things - family mostly. So I'd give up work to provide care for a family member without a moment's thought. Whereas, to someone like my MiL, career success is the most satisfying achievement of her life. So, she would work more to pay for someone else to provide care to a family member.

Also… I have a sneaking suspicion that neither of you would have chosen this life for yourselves either.

She is rude. Ignore her. If you can afford it, it’s not her business.

At 30 I can understand why she feels like this. At 30 he shouldn’t give up his entire career. Do you have kids?

What do you mean by "a sneaking suspicion"?
Why would anyone think OP chose to get a chronic illness in her 30s?

ETA: Sorry, it's just twigged you're probably having a go at OP and saying you don't think her husband actually wants to be there caring for her.

Obviously it's yours and your husband choice to work or not

This attitude is a huge part of the problem - a lot of people who are privileged enough to be able-bodied either assuming that disabled people are somehow lying about the limitations of their disabilities, are lazy or are just attention-seeking.

The worst part of disability is actually having to live with disability; the second-worst part is the assumptions and ignorant proclamations of those who don't have the faintest idea what life with disability is like for you.

How dare you?!? You have absolutely zero knowledge of OP’s disability nor her abilities, so why on earth do you think it’s ok to make a comment like this? What is wrong with you?

Nice bit of guilt tripping here, nice! Make the OP feel guilty as f for something she can’t control….wow

Incidentally, I wonder how she would feel if it were her DS with the disabilities and OP caring for him?

An awful lot of people - of both sexes - have the in-built sexist opinion that caring, whether it be for children, for elderly people or for people with disabilities and health conditions, is a perfectly good use of a woman's time; but a complete waste of a much-more-important man's time.

How will she feel, when she gets elderly and maybe needs care or general help in life herself, if her DS mirrors her attitude and just tells her that she can either pay somebody, keep on working or just minimise and ignore the fact that she needs help?

Sadly, it's very common for people to think that disability is only applicable to elderly people - and that young people with disability and care needs are just making it up.

See also the self-appointed 'blue badge police' routinely marching over to berate anybody whom they reckon is 'too young to be disabled' pulling into a disabled space, assuming that they must be fakers and frauds.

As someone that was made physically disabled young, all I’d say is that unless you really do need a huge amount of care, it’s best if your husband works as much as is possible.

It really can change the dynamics of a marriage once you get into patient/carer mode. It broke my 28 year marriage.

Added to which, financial pressures don’t help.

Best wishes.

I am disabled, too OP. I also am unable to work. However I’m also a lone parent (father is no longer with us, sadly).
I lost a my career to Parkinson’s disease. A career which I’ve wanted since I was 3 and adored so much I would’ve done for free if it was possible. It breaks my heart when I see people doing what I loved so much.
Yet when people see me, some of them likely think “lazy bitch” she looks fine…..When the reality is, most days meeting my child’s basic needs is the absolute maximum I can achieve and the moment I return from the school run, I have to lie down before I collapse. I spend most days asleep and when I’m not asleep, I’m dizzy and nauseous. I also struggle to type and on some days have to use software just to help me type on Mumsnet! (which I’m actually using right now as my fingers hit random letters involuntarily).

Occasionally (vanishingly rare these days) I have a ‘good day’ and think yeah, I probably could do something on a laptop for a couple of hours and the thought seems quite exciting to me as I don’t get out much at all and don’t have any friends). But the reality is that I cannot ever predict when I’m going to be well enough to do that. No employer will accept someone so unwell that they can’t even predict when (or if) they’ll be able to do 2 hours of work. I am never well enough to do more than basic cleaning and cleaning floors, skirting boards & lower kitchen cupboards is something I need a cleaner’s help with though I can usually manage the upper ones with a mop. Also lawn mowing by a gardener. Anyway I digress!

My point is, absolutely nobody ‘wants this’ and absolutely nobody chooses to spend each day either asleep or achieving nothing. Yes there may be an increasing number of people who fake illnesses in order to be lazy but assuming a genuinely disabled person of that, is beyond the pale. I challenge anyone to find me a genuinely disabled person, unable to work who doesn’t wish they could……… I see my neighbour all smart in her suit, going to her job at Barclays every morning and I feel nothing but envy.

In sickness and in health mean nothing to you, then?

without a full care needs assessment, none of us know how much care OP needs. So we must assume that they have looked at this from all angles and this is their reality.

Ohh I know the blue badge police well! I have a BB and a child so you can imagine the interactions I was treated to when my DC was a baby. One elderly man went as far as to point his stick in my face!