MiL has really upset me

[ToadRage]

I know on other post i have said i get on well with my Mil and we usually do but this last visit she really upset me. I am disabled and stopped working in January, my husband also changed his job to a part time one so he could take care of me. I get ESA and PIP. I went to bed early and when my husband came up he was really angry, i asked him why and she had apparently been ranting about him being a 'benefits bum'.

The next day when i was there, she started up again and was going on about 'Why can't he work full time' and 'Why couldn't he just walk into a £50k job and pay someone else to look after me', 'She's not happy' and how 'It's not what she wanted for him'. She is totally deluded to expect him to be able to find a job with a salary like that especially in the current jobs market, the average salary is only about 25/30k.

Does she think its what i wanted? That i chose to become disabled and have to give up working, use a walking stick and wear AFOs in my 30's. It took everything i have not to burst into tears cos although she didn't come right out and say it it felt like she was blaming me for him only working part time and him having to look after me. He did his best to defend me saying 'it was his job to look after me.' 'We didn't want a stranger coming in and doing it for him' but when she gets a thought in her head changing is nigh on impossible.

The next morning she had the nerve to ask him why he couldn't claim PIP for him autism.

As if her visits don't wear me out enough, am to be upset by all of this. He is not a' benefits bum' he is a carer, he knew what he signed up for when he married me.

His mum’s first concern is her son’s wellbeing.

If you were single, OP, would you manage?

I’m asking because while work isn’t the point of life, it’s much healthier for your husband to work. He’s very young to risk closing down options. It’s hard to get back into work after a break.

Obviously it’s hard for you- in all the same ways as it’s hard for him.

From a mum’s perspective , It’s just about being sure in the long term this is the best decision.

I would be concerned at him giving up a career and potential progression so young. I would not have approached it the way MIL did though.

My concern would be that by dropping down at this age to low wages and giving up any realistic prospects for advancement, both of you will struggle long term financially. If he could ficus on his career and you both sacrifice the income to paying for help, long term you would be in a more stable financial position.

btw the average salary isn’t £25-30k. It’s just over £37k

Yes, so many people seem to naturally assume it should be 'in good health or in very occasionally mildly worse than normal good health'.

We read of so many selfish men on MN, who up and leave whenever they find somebody younger and prettier, fatherhood is 'too difficult' for them or they just generally feel that they're being held back from 'living their best life' by having to consider anybody else's lives and needs for a moment.

OP's DH is very clearly not like them at all... and he gets criticised for caring (both practically and emotionally)... by his own mother as well.

btw the average salary isn’t £25-30k. It’s just over £37k

I assumed that OP was referring to the kind of jobs/careers that her DH is qualified in and can do (bearing in mind that he has autism, which may make some jobs more challenging) and in the area where they live.

There are no adverts out there for 'an average job at an average salary'.

If I look at my children now (7 and 10) and try to think how I'd feel about them giving up everything they'd worked for at 30 to care for their partner, I'm not sure how I'd feel. That said, I like to think I would be able to express that to my children in private. Your MIL has been rude and insensitive but I'm assuming she is just really, really worried about her son's future.

It’s like women who never get back into work after having DC. If you can take the pain in the short term, you are better placed for the years ahead.

And a PP is right- relationships change when you no longer have work outside, and when you rely on each other for care. Some changes are good, others are less so.

If he has autism then she will already have worried about him being vulnerable most of his life. She’ll be thrilled he has a nice relationship, and worried about his future, all at the same time.

But 'in sickness and in health' presumably means I will stand by you if you get sick. It doesn't necessarily mean I will give up my career, my hopes and potential for my own future, and become a carer.

OP are you happy that he has gone part time ? I say that as someone who was on 2 walking sticks and in constant pain a year ago but have been very fortunate and the NHS have sorted me out so am much more functional but at one point I assumed I wouldn’t improve. It was very important to me that my disability impacted as little as practically possible on my family and I wouldn’t have wanted DH to go part time. We found ways for me to cope and DH stayed working full time.

That’s me and we are all different, what are your feelings on it ? I regret giving up work and caring for my Mum now I am mid 50s and wish we had found alternative way which we would have been difficult as my Mum was so difficult and assaulted live in carers when I did step back.

I think it can depend on a number of factors - one of which may be to decide that swapping your current career for a commitment to being a carer for a loved one works best for you as a couple/family.

I know that people look down on caring work as lowly and inferior, even shameful - which is one reason why those who do it for a living are usually expected to care for people with dementia and prone to violence for not a penny more than the employer is legally allowed to get away with paying them - but it is actually an amazing, noble thing to do - to help and enable people with challenging circumstances to be able to live their lives rather than just being left to struggle alone in pain and misery until they die.

At any rate, he hasn't actually given up paid employment; he's moved to another (part-time) job.

How would you feel if any of your children was the one who needed extensive care, and their spouse gave up their career at 30 to care for them?

I'd tell her to think very carefully about what that meant for both of their futures, and whether it might be better for him to keep on working full time whilst getting a carer for her. If I was able, I'd help out. I'd respect what was decided but I'd be concerned that it could trap them both into a life reliant on benefits.

Fair enough - but if you are too disabled to work and you don't have rich parents or a high-earning spouse, you almost certainly are going to end up reliant on benefits, whether you like it (and whether other people 'approve') or not.

I wouldn’t want that life for my child either tbh.

Well I’m assuming she’s not paraplegic, and so technically she should be able to get around using a wheelchair or walking aids??

Maybe I’m wrong and in which case, OP might do well to consider a residential care home.

Could her concern be that she could see her son leaving the workforce placing you with in a vulnerable situation?

May I ask what forced your dp to have to reduce to PT. Have your needs significantly increased due to your disability worsening?

@Kurkara - you misread the tone completely. I was suggesting OP throw MIL’s words right back in her face.

Realistically, it’s not what anyone would want for their children, is it?

If this was a one off moan, I’d let it go. If she keeps banging on about it, I’d tell her to stop.

Without knowing what your vital care needs are, it's hard to say whether his choice is a good one. I would be very concerned about my child becoming a carer and giving up their career at 30. I would be rude about it and I wouldn't blame the disabled partner (unless they were expecting a level of care that they really don't need).

But I would want to be able to talk it through with my child to make sure that they understood the long term ramifications, financially and personally.

A pp asked what you would do for care if you were single. I think that's the question you should be asking yourself before your partner gives up his career future at such a young age.

I’m quite significantly disabled. I use 2 sticks in the house, a power char outside and need help with my personal care, but it has always been important to us that DH could continue to work for as long as possible. If he’d given up work we’d be divorced by now.

He needs that time away from me, and me him, and he needs another outlet, too. We have things in place to make life easier, when he’s not here during the day but for the most part I cope the best I can.

While the delivery of what your MIL said wasn’t the best, I do understand her concerns.

She thinks he could have done better than you, you can’t change that.

You are both adults who don't need her permission or approval. It's great that he is being so supportive to you. You didn't ask for this.

However, she is just a mother who is concerned about the financial insecurity, isolation and limited opportunities that life as a carer comes with. She has been unkind to you. But it's not a crime for her to be concerned about her son. It's not nice to make you feel worse and ultimately she needs to keep out if it.

What do you want for your DH OP? Do you want him working part time to also care for you, or what can you manage, can you get others in to help if needed? It’s a very long haul ahead of you’re only on your 30s.

She is a mum first. Being someone's carer is thankless. Of course your DH wants to do what he can , but she can see how it affects him emotionally. It's hard to hear , my DH has been looking after me for the last two years I understand how much of a strain this puts on him his mum can see that. She probably did it in a clumsy way but it would be good for him to be out working , forgetting the strains of caring and come back from work more equipped to help you.
Getting outside help is probably beneficial for you both

She's concerned about her son, which is naturally her first priority. He obviously also has his own challenges with autism, so it's a double whammy. I suspect your relatively young ages have a bearing too. She shouldn't have been so horrible and she could have said it to your DH in private, but her trepidation is understandable.