MiL has really upset me

[ToadRage]

I know on other post i have said i get on well with my Mil and we usually do but this last visit she really upset me. I am disabled and stopped working in January, my husband also changed his job to a part time one so he could take care of me. I get ESA and PIP. I went to bed early and when my husband came up he was really angry, i asked him why and she had apparently been ranting about him being a 'benefits bum'.

The next day when i was there, she started up again and was going on about 'Why can't he work full time' and 'Why couldn't he just walk into a £50k job and pay someone else to look after me', 'She's not happy' and how 'It's not what she wanted for him'. She is totally deluded to expect him to be able to find a job with a salary like that especially in the current jobs market, the average salary is only about 25/30k.

Does she think its what i wanted? That i chose to become disabled and have to give up working, use a walking stick and wear AFOs in my 30's. It took everything i have not to burst into tears cos although she didn't come right out and say it it felt like she was blaming me for him only working part time and him having to look after me. He did his best to defend me saying 'it was his job to look after me.' 'We didn't want a stranger coming in and doing it for him' but when she gets a thought in her head changing is nigh on impossible.

The next morning she had the nerve to ask him why he couldn't claim PIP for him autism.

As if her visits don't wear me out enough, am to be upset by all of this. He is not a' benefits bum' he is a carer, he knew what he signed up for when he married me.

I don't agree with her phraseology, but I can see why she is concerned about her son becoming your carer with both of you being so young.
Being your spouse's carer can really shrink your life and things can become very insular very fast.

This thread was started a few weeks ago, is the woman out of your house now @ToadRage ?
Did your husband not correct her or stop her droning on?
Since she's so unhappy, she doesn't need to be hosted by you ever again. Win!

She'd get told to fuck right off if it were me...

Similar situation here, that DP gave up work because I could not be left alone, and needed care.

However, I now have a greater earning capacity than he ever did, as him doing care for me and me not knackering myself trying to simply survive in a house all day by myself, means I could study and then work from home, which is what we now do.

The downside is yes... when I cark it, I do not know what he will do. I've offered support for anything HE wants to do to future proof himself but he isn't really interested and I don't have the mental bandwidth to keep worrying about it!

If your DH can keep a foothold in work, I would strongly recommend he does - but it isn't always possible!

What does part time look like for him op? I don’t think you specified but people are acting like you said a few hours a week when surely it can be anything up to full time hours. I know she’s your mil so it will have come up but in general I just wouldn’t bother telling people he’s pt- no need for them to know, it’s not a big deal and tbh if it’s what both of you want and if you can get by financially I think it’s lovely. Take care x

Surely you must realise that the spectrum of disability is far more than 'just' whether somebody is able to walk or not?

Many people need to use wheelchairs or scooters, even though their legs do actually work to enable them to walk, because of ME/CFS which drains their energy almost instantly.if they do walk or do pretty much anything physical that an able-bodied person can do without really thinking about it.

As for the idea of 'just stick 'em in a home', I think that attitude often comes from a prejudiced assumption that people are either perfectly able-bodied or utterly helpless and unable to do anything at all - with nothing in between whatsoever.

Yes, residential homes are the best solution for a lot of severely disabled people (and their families); but that decision isn't meant to be made purely to get rid of them and stop them from spoiling your own fun.

When my ds was 18 he was in a relationship with someone in a wheelchair, pushing her everywhere. Did I want that for him? I would never have said anything to him though let alone her. It 100% comes from a place of love for her son and disappointment but she’s a stupid woman to so crassly upset you. If I was her I’d be looking see if I could contribute financially to your care, allowing my son to work full time.

I agree, it is early to stop working and will impact any future career plans
However, if OP needs care and this is the best way for her to get it then needs must.
Its not an ideal situation but if The Govt won't provide the care Op needs and they can't afford it if her H works then it seems this is the only way.

The usual ableism on this thread...

People don't choose to become disabled.

For many being disabled/long term sick means needing additional support.

Your husband seems to have made his own choice to care for you, rather than look at external carers, and combine that with part-time working.

Your MIL needs to mind her own business.

Agreed, no one chooses to be disabled. (Unless they want the blue badge to park anywhere for free, money each month, husband getting a carer’s allowance so he can hold her hand whilst watching Cash in the Attic… )
Genuine question OP- are your parents disabled also?

He is 43, I am 38. I totally get that no one wants this for their child and my own mother questioned the part time working as well. Although I don't need help with things like dressing and going to the toilet, I cannot cook or carry heavy/large objects (kettle, pans) I can't open the fridge due to the weakness in my hands, I can't carry anything upstairs cos I have to hold on both sides or I lose my balance, while i can manage the dishwasher and laundry, i can usually only manage one of these activities before i tire out or experience pain, so he does the lions share of the housework. I have regular hospital appointments at 3 different hospitals; physio, consultant, pain therapy (sometimes up to 9 in a month) and I don't drive so he has to take me and he felt it was easier to just be around when I needed him, rather than him having to argue over a half or even full day off with his previous employer. I can walk but slowlybwith aid ofva stick and ankle foot orthotics. I need him around when showering or climbing the stairs in case of falls. I can't go out by myself and if he does take me out shopping etc. in the morning I am wiped out for the rest of the day. My parents were/are not disabled, I inherited the gene from my father but he was asymptomatic and died from cancer at the age of 55, my brother has the same condition but not as bad as me. Neither of us would have chosen this life but this is where we are now and this is how it has to be. He is training to be a counsellor so he may have better job prospects in the future where he can set his own hours and/or work from home. My condition is progressive and incurable, so it will only get worse and i will need more help as time goes on and he will likely outlive me.

He is 43, I am 38. I totally get that no one wants this for their child and my own mother questioned the part time working as well. Although I don't need help with things like dressing and going to the toilet, I cannot cook or carry heavy/large objects (kettle, pans) I can't open the fridge due to the weakness in my hands, I can't carry anything upstairs cos I have to hold on both sides or I lose my balance, while i can manage the dishwasher and laundry, i can usually only manage one of these activities before i tire out or experience pain, so he does the lions share of the housework. I have regular hospital appointments at 3 different hospitals; physio, consultant, pain therapy (sometimes up to 9 in a month) and I don't drive so he has to take me and he felt it was easier to just be around when I needed him, rather than him having to argue over a half or even full day off with his previous employer. I can walk but slowlybwith aid ofva stick and ankle foot orthotics. I need him around when showering or climbing the stairs in case of falls. I can't go out by myself and if he does take me out shopping etc. in the morning I am wiped out for the rest of the day. My parents were/are not disabled, I inherited the gene from my father but he was asymptomatic and died from cancer at the age of 55, my brother has the same condition but not as bad as me. Neither of us would have chosen this life but this is where we are now and this is how it has to be. He is training to be a counsellor so he may have better job prospects in the future where he can set his own hours and/or work from home. My condition is progressive and incurable, so it will only get worse and i will need more help as time goes on and he will likely outlive me.

I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. It's good he is such a support to you and under the circumstances I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have gone part time. I think it's important he doesn't give up his job altogether though, for many reasons.

We discussed it today and he expressed that he just doesn't feel comfortable leaving me for any longer until I am at point were I need more aids like a starlit and walk in shower for my own safety. I didn't realise he hasn't spoken to her since that visit. They live very far away so it does not affect them.

Do you think this comment is helpful?

From what you have explained, him reducing his hours to part time sounds like the best option.
DH should thank her for her ‘suggestions’/ input’ but let her know he will be doing what is in the best interest of your collective wellbeing.

So I am having genetic testing for a condition that killed my mum at 56. I'm 42. It's pretty daunting. I have a lot of pain and orthotics etc too. I worry what the future holds. However I wouldn't have my husband give up work and stay home, especially if he's going to outlive me, he'll need a pension while I may not (I'm hopeful of better longevity if diagnosed and treated more effectively). I don't understand your caring decision for right now personally. If you can safely go to the toilet and eat food alone then you can batch cook, prep food, use a microwave for single portions surely? Elderly people live alone and manage despite physical difficulties with family members popping in. Couple of times a day. Surely you can be comfortable at home, unless there is a dementia type element during normal working hours?

It's your life. So, it's your choice. As long as you and your husband are happy with your arrangements, that's all that matters. xx

It sounds like the main issue is the regular appointments (she mentioned up to 9 appointments per month at times) and she relies on him to take her there

It would almost definitely cost less to take herself by taxi or public transport than have him give up work. The point of pip etc is to pay for these things

I get you - but depends on how far away these hospitals are and she would need to back for the journey there and back.

I’m also not familiar with PIP rates tbh.. I was having weekly appointments for my son at one point and was receiving the lowest DLA rate.

One of my children has disabilities and is unable to work in a job. I work from home so I’ve been able to be here for them. It’s soul destroying for a person to become disabled to the extent they can’t live a ‘normal’ life.
However would I want another of my dc to give up their job prospects and everything they’ve worked for to become a carer at 30 years old? No. I’d be very worried.

Yep and I'd encourage anyone suffering a disability to maximize the time spent not being medicalized as much as possible. Social groups, local meet ups, anything available. Accessing NHS transport for appointments is a good idea too but so is asking what each appointment is offering you, are you benefiting from each appointment? Can some appointments be on same days and in same places? Asking for occupational therapy involvement and social work to attend your home to maximize independence. Too much time with someone acting in a career role will impact a relationship too and ops self esteem.

Without sounding rude here but when some of you refer to ‘after everything they’ve worked for’ or ‘giving up career prospects’ (or something along those lines) - it’s important to remember that some people just aren’t particularly ambitious and view a job as merely covering the basics

I'd be proud that I'd raised a person who rolled their sleeves up when their family needed them.

OP, I have a disability and rely on my partner to care for me. I don't need a lot, but I need him around, so we set up a business together within the parameters of what I can do. I now have another job too which is from home which I do around the day job and the kids' commitments. He does most of the housework.

We are a team. We're all putting in what we can, for the benefit of everyone. I want our kids to take that into their own relationships when they're adults.