To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

I agree that this is a red flag for an eating disorder like untreated
alcohlccs who constantly observe and obsess about other people’s drinking are you familiar with the term ‘ it takes one to know one’

I really relate! Except with my DM she would have felt furiously insulted that the in-laws got pie and she didn’t - even though she actually didn’t want pie, but was asking to make a dig. Exhauuuuusting.
I think the most helpful advice I was given was to recognise her limitations and accept that she wasn’t going to change. I also have a light-hearted laugh with my sister about what a nightmare she can be.
Nothing you can say will change her or her responses! So what I’ve learnt (against all other relationship advice about repair), is just to move on and make light of it. My DM NEVER SAYS SORRY AND NEVER WILL. I have now accepted that so I don’t expect her to! Recognising it and coming to a place of acceptance (and laughing about it) can actually be quite freeing.

@BeachPossum if you want to fine tune a properly pass-agg response for option 4, I'd suggest something like:

I'm sorry all of the delicious pie was already gone when you popped round. I didn't even think to save you a slice because you're normally so careful about what you eat. But if you'd like me to make another one, I can tell you when we'll do it, so you can make some space and plan when to come round for a slice while it's fresh.

I’m sorry to say you are never going to have the mother daughter relationship that you want because she just doesn’t have it in her. It sounds like she’s done quite a number on your mental health. I understand how hard it is to come to terms with this. But you need to stop letting her do this to you. You are allowed to stick up for yourself. And you need to protect your children from her nasty attitude. Don’t be afraid of telling her what’s what. Be firm. You don’t realise it but you actually hold the power now. She needs you more than you need her. Fine she can have a tantrum and cry about how horrible you are, but you don’t have to apologise and you don’t have to engage. Going low contact might really help you have the strength to deal with her when you do see her, though I understand why that might not want to do that. Just don’t engage with any of her nonsense. Shut her down like you did this time. And keep repeating the same thing every time she tries to start the conversation again. It’s sad to realise that you have to manage your relationship carefully and will never have the easy friendship with her that you dream of. But better to recognise that and protect yourself than keep letting her hurt you.

I would send her this link: https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/why-adults-should-avoid-talking-about-dieting-in-front-of-children

I would tell her eating disorders destroy lives, and that you and your husband decided before they were born to never discuss dieting or food restriction around them.

Don't text her. Wait for her to contact you, and then don't mention the pie/the row. If she does, ignore it and mention the weather or any other subject.

With cream or custard?
😉

#2 Your mom does not need to be babied.

Could you get your son to make another then have it sent round and say it has to last a week or it’s not a real pie? Or something like that? God I hate when people make eating a crown of thorns to guilt everyone else into going without. (Although I have my own weight issues so I probably see it too sensitively) It’s just a pie.

I’m jumping in…hot crumble/pie with cold cream or ice-cream, or cold pie/crumble with hot custard. Challenges the teeth but totally worth it 🤩

How?

OP makes it quite clear if you read all her posts, had there been any pie, her Mother wouldn't have fucking wanted it, would likely have blarted on about how pie at that time of day was unnecessary and she couldn't possibly, no one needs pie, how gluttonous.

She did not want pie. She wanted another stick to beat OP with.

But even if she had - what was OP to do, go back in time and save a slice of pie?

Tbh OP, you could have done things differently. You already know what she’s like and that she has form for this, yet you took the bait.

I think, for once and for all, you need to decide whether you detach from her comments or whether you put it all out in the open and tell her what your problem is. Your current middling method clearly isn’t working, because you are seething right now.

Maybe she got it in her head that you guys made the pie in preparation of her visit, so she was put out that the in laws got there first. Hence the faux shock that the pie was gone, she went to attack mode as her feelings were hurt. Attack mode = commenting on food consumed or insinuating people are fat or feral.

You're attaching rather a rosy glow to someone who is, to put it mildly, very odd indeed.

Yikes. I don't understand tolerating this type of behaviour. I have told people to fuck off for less. You don't need to apologise as you've done nothing wrong, and doing it to keep the peace will not keep the peace if what you've said is anything to go by. I'd just ignore her as much as possible, and if she keeps it up go LC or NC. Your kiddos don't need this type of negativity in their lives anyway.

So sorry that you don't have the relationship that you want with your DM. Does she know how you feel? Is there any possibility of the two of you going to a therapy session together?

She sounds awful. You need to put up some good boundaries with her I think otherwise she will keep being dreadful. You don’t need this in your life.

I'd make another one, invite her over and offer her some - make her eat it in front of you 😂 If she refuses to eat it for any reason you then say 'so what was all the fuss about' - call her bluff.

This could be written about my mum. She is exactly like this. Has a big ish lunch out and then ‘won’t need dinner later’. Perhaps is a generational thing as she was brought up under rationing and eating a lot seems to be a real crime to her.

If she’s too defensive to hear what you’re saying I’d go with humour. Text her saying ‘we made another pie if you wanna come and have some. Hurry up though, it’ll be gone in an hour’.

And with your kids, do the same. Just tease her about living on air and not needing to eat like normal people?!

I don’t know. My mum drives me mad with her toxic food attitudes but the only thing that has ever worked is laughing about it. Any direct approach is disastrous.

I think you should have the right to tell her how she makes you feel. I know they are our parents and everything but they can hurt us just as much as anyone else so why do we have to put up with it?
I adore my mum but when she wants to, she can hurt me like nobody else can. She can make me feel like a worthless piece of rubbish and I'm not allowed to ask why she is doing that to me and I'm 41!!!!
I think u have the right to speak up and if it's not listened to, her loss.

My mum was similar to yours around food and in the end like you I took it to therapy (along with many of their things I found upsetting)

In the end the only thing that worked was accepting that she wouldn't change, only I could. I stopped sharing a lot of things and I just didn't react to others. In regards to the pie I might now reply 'Okay' and roll my eyes in my head.

My sister is more the mother I wished I had and vice versa.

In the end my mother did change for the better - she has reached a place of reflection and gratitude which was a lovely surprise. But obviously you can't count on that.

You are not being unreasonable, you said this is a toxic pattern of hers. Some big red flags here in her behaviour.

I'd actually get a good therapist in your corner to help navigate this relationship for the good of you and your children.

Boundaries need to be set, and I'll bet she won't comply quietly.

Good luck!

I'd tell her to make one herself - you don't want to waste food since she probably won't eat it

Option 3. Stand up for yourself.

The pie sounds delicious.

Given your mum is weird around food I wonder if she got a bit obsessive about having some pie and possibly planned her eating habits to have some? So it was a big deal to her.

Not excusing her behaviour though, firstly rude to ask and yes the portion disbelief /continuous mentioning must be extremely annoying/ triggering

I sympathise as I also grew up in a household where overweight = fat and lazy. It does mess with your head.

i d ignore the message and message about something completely different to change the subject (like something nice your mil has done!