To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

She sounds a lot like my mum. I predicted there would be a backstory, just from your initial post.

For my mum I find 3 is pointless and achieves nothing. I'd go with 1, or ideally 2.

Then I'd keep my distance. My priority nowadays is keeping the peace.

My sister was like this, she definitely had an eating disorder, was very controlled with what she ate and made you feel abnormal if you had a bloody biscuit. I walked on eggshells for years until one day she made a comment about my then toddler DD "getting a gut" and that was it for me. I threw her out of my house and cut her off. Absolutely no way was she forcing her disordered behaviour onto my DD. I have never regretted cutting her off either.

OP, I'd Grey Rock your Mum if I were you. You cannot reason with people like her or my sister as they refuse to accept that they've done any wrong.

Pie sounded great btw ❤️

Definitely No. 3.

Definitely no apology, regardless of its insincerity. She will take it as she was right to be so astonished by your 'gluttony' (her view, not mine, to be clear!).

At some point you will to have to address her weird food/eating obsession for your (young?) kids sake, if not your own. It's unhealthy and could lead to problems with food for your kids if they hear this on a regular basis.

She has clearly got an eating disorder she will have turned all that info into “ I would exercise control over how much pie I had” , and/or “ I haven’t been left any because I don’t deserve it /im fat etc”. Honestly the depths of the mental health with eating disorders leads to the most incomprehensible reasoning in their heads. Just draw a line under it. Sadly she is wholeheartedly ingrained in and consumed by this disorder.

Yep, my teenager is well aware that her grandma is a fucking mentalist! Not a phrase I use in front of the child of course.

Such gems as boys are better at maths and male teachers are better than female teachers.

1. I’d literally just ignore her. Like the message never arrived.

Not the point but at least you had others over to eat it too - I probably would have nailed the whole thing myself over a weekend 😬

Whilst your DM is still able, you could attempt a direct, calm conversation about it.
It mightnt go well. But in a few years time, she will seem to fragile for you to try and clear the air.

Do you really really think that? Ok if you've not read the thread but if you have done you honestly cannot think it's about that? Frightening.

In answer to your question though, I'd go with ignoring the message altogether, she was out of order and you definitely shouldn't apologise

"I swallow a lot of her shit..."

In doing that you have validated and reinforced her behaviour, likely to the point where it is engrained and irreversible. Poor behaviour from others we interact with regularly needs to be nipped in the bud from the start. Some people don't have any concept of etiquette and will railroad over you if you don't put boundaries down. Tell her firmly to STFU, I don't care how old she is, she doesn't have the right to act like a whiny toddler and expect no retaliation.

I wouldn't beat about the bush and go for option 3.
I've got form for being direct, so people don't generally mess with me anyway 😁

She sounds a lot like my mum too, mine isn’t obsessive about food but has similar narcissistic tendencies and people who have ‘standard’ mums just don’t get it. Small things get blown up because they are the output of a lifetime of difficult behaviour and it is impossible to have a healthy conversation about it because the other person doesn’t understand/entertain other points of view. I usually just avoid and deflect and try to ignore comments, appreciate easier said than done!

Your recipe sounds absolutely delicious, @BeachPossum - thank you for posting it. I’ll be looking for a special occasion so I can make it.

I wonder if it could work as a crumble too?

The solution to this was putting a slice of pie in a Tupperware box for her to eat later. The solution is to remake the pie and give her a slice to take away with her so she can eat a crumb a day for a month. Sorted.

Tell her she had a lucky escape because it was an especially fattening pie (add your own twirls here, all-butter pastry, lots of sugar, whatever). However, if she'd like you & your DCs to make her another one all for herself, you'll be happy to oblige.
(I believe this is known as pass-agg 😁)

I have been the victim of my mother’s perverse relationship with food my whole life. What you describe as ‘snapping’ I would describe as showing remarkable tolerance.

I have similar issues with my aunt. Last time I visited her it really got to me and I grumbled to my DH who’d been in another room at the time.
Rather than being defensive, he suggested I should go along with what she says and more. So, in your case you might say, ’ Yes, we stuffed our faces with it! It was delicious. We’re all gluttons for pie in this house!’
I do appreciate that food and eating are tricky topics around children, so you need to pick the right moment when they’re not present.

I’d probably go with option 2 .
In my case if my daughter had made a lovely fruit pie 🥧 and I then showed up unexpectedly hoping for coffee and a slice of pie 🥧 I’d be disappointed there wasn’t any left .
BUT …I’d say “ oh shame it’s all gone because it looked delicious 😋 next time you make one leave me a slice if you’re able to , text me and I will pop round and have it with a coffee if that’s ok “

I would have loved to have said oh I felt a bit peckish and polished it all off at 3am after an alcohol and drug fuelled night...

I’m very keen to try this! Rhubarb is one of those tart fruits like gooseberries and apricots that I love, and strawberries are a wee bit bland and sweet. It sounds a wonderful combination. Thank you for the recipe.

love the lattice top too.

I was just about to write something similar, but you said it far more eloquently.

I would add that the kids probably don't care. They probably think she's just an eccentric nan.

I worry that both you and your Mum have serious control issues ... never mind the f'ing pie!

Aside, personally, when I used to make a pie, I tended to make one for my folks anyway.

However, and most importantly - there's definitely more to life than arguments over pie - so much so that I can't believe I'm actually typing this!?*!

I would go 3 but that’s because I have a low tolerance of bs.