To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

Not a good look to post this kind of nitpicking without bothering to read OP's posts where she might, for example, have posted the recipe already and outlined how she adjusted to switch from one style of pastry top to another.

How old is your DM @BeachPossum ? Since I moved into my sixties, I've noticed that my appetite has reduced perceptibly. It's still healthy, but nothing like it was, which I assume is perfectly normal for my age. Your DM, who seems to live entirely in her own very narrow little life, doesn't realise that the tiny portions she fetishises would leave you, with your two small children (one of whom you're nursing) feeling as if your stomach was cutting your throat...because guess what - we are not all the same and younger people tend to have higher energy needs than older people. If she had more on her plate (intended pun) than meddling with things that don't concern her, she might understand that you aren't some sort of weird Mini-Me.

Your pie looks delicious. Two words came to mind when I saw it - creme fraiche. It would really complement the sweetness of the strawberries. By baking with your son, you are giving him something that goes beyond the pie itself; a memory. Both me and my DH can remember helping our DMs with the baking...and licking out the bowls 😋

As for 1, 2, or 3 etc, it's up to you, but apologising (even in a very PA way) would give your DM the impression that she's got away with her terrible behaviour. Something between 2/3 eg, "you still on about that pie Mum? Dear me..." You could deliver it in a way that suggests that if she doesn't give over, there will be consequences she won't enjoy. Then leave the ball in her court - her hang-ups are not your problem.

I am in my 70s. I have never had a problem eating for England, tbh, though now I put on weight (sadly) so am a bit careful so I don't grow out of my wardrobe. But I am not careful if I go out and if I want something I will have it. Nor do I think other people are greedy. I am amazed, sometimes, how little people eat. Not everyone in their 70s is obsessed by food. I like food. I eat to enjoy it. I could never see the attraction of a salad on its own. Pizza for me! Wheeee!

That is no different to the message any woman born post-war has had. The narrative for young girls now is truly horrific, with social media preying on their every insecurity.

I grew up in the ages of the supermodel and waif. From glamazons like Cindy Crawford to heroin chic and Kate Moss. The magazines were full of the same bullshit about cellulite and fat, the same faddy cabbage soup diets were around - I tried it.

There is no single generation of woman still alive that hasn't had the media and their mothers barking at them about what they should look like and modelling batshit behaviour. I don't think this is an excuse for women of your generation uniquely to claim damage and trauma and justify poor behaviour. It has been the same for all of us and the majority of us don't get hung up on pie.

I vote 3 OP, but I have no time for shit like this and it might not be the most diplomatic thing to do.

OP your Mum sounds insufferable, which ever way you handle this would be okay, just definitely do not apologise. I personally would’ve gone with option number 5 as @LaurieFairyCake had suggested (word for word in fact 🤭), if not, number 3 at the very least.

Option 3. And DON'T "deal with" whatever drama follows, just ignore it. Nothing will change until you stand up to her, let her "go nuclear" all she likes, and show her that it doesn't affect you in the slightest (if it does, just pretend it doesn't). So she gets angry - so what? Sky doesn't fall, world keeps turning. You don't have to be cowed into changing your behaviour because she has a tantrum - which is a good message to give you DC, too. What's the alternative - teach them that s/he who throws the biggest wobbly should always get their way? Change your dynamic, once and for all.

Number 2. This actually put me in mind of my (thankfully) exMIL. She was no stick insect by a long stretch,but she was always going on about how much me or my daughter ate. 2 rounds of sandwiches? That would do 4 people. I think the best one was when we went to McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal for my daughter(then aged 7). She said, totally innocently, 'Are you going to share that?'. Yes, we're going to share a tiny portion of chips and a cheeseburger. Don't want to overdo it now!

Are you seriously saying you can't imagine a pie which has a pastry top and bottom with fruit in between? 🙄🥧 Whether @BeachPossum made a lattice top or a fully covered one is irrelevant.

I'm now craving rhubarb crumble.

3....
I'm guessing this isnt the first ridiculous thing she's done...I want to hear more about the mum saga 😂

Yabu for not making it big enough for us all to have a slice!

No 2 and do not apologise ever! You’re making me hungry. If she bangs on about it, tell her she sounds like she needs help. That generally shuts up most people. Could have it wrong tho. 🙈

I think I'd have been a bit jealous if I found that all this luscious sounding pie had gone before I arrived.
Seriously though, I'd just not do anything.

Ignore message completely. Don't apologise, don't appease or defend yourself. Treat it like the ridiculous non issue it is. She is gaslighting you because she didn't like being called out on her behaviour and now wants to goad you into being the bad guy. Just dismiss it and if she brings it up next time you see or speak to her just say "Oh, are you still going on about that bloody pie Mum?" No doubt she will persist with being affronted, at which point be blunt. "Mum, we have a difference of opinion, I felt that your comments were annoying and I don't want my kids getting a complex about what they eat so I let you know, that's entirely reasonable. You can either let it go or we will go / I will go....is that really what you want?

Send her the recipe for the pie.
sorry you’ve got such a massive PITA for a mother.

Buy her a single airline ticket to Switzerland. I feel for you.

'i'm sorry I didn't find a calmer way to express my wishes that you adapt the way you talk about food in front of your grandchildren'

Sounds like my mother 😂

Please get it all out into the open. I’ve had issues with my weight all my adult life and I put those issues onto my daughter in much the same way as your mum has you. We’ve always been close and she’s never really said anything about it, just once in a while told me to stop it. About a month ago, after another comment, she burst into tears and told me exactly how I made her feel and how bad it made her feel about herself.
I Cannot begin to tell you how that made me feel, my daughter is my world and the kindest, loveliest woman I’ve ever met. To realise what effect I’d had on her was devastating for me and I’ll never get over the guilt. It’s sad in this shallow world we live in we’re all pushed towards this ridiculous notion of perfection as an outer shell and we often miss the most important and precious things because of it.
tell your mother the absolute truth if it doesn’t work give up, do not let her subject your children to it.
good luck

number 2 and then roll your eyes and armour up for the next time she is ridiculous.
x x

I think she just really wanted a piece of that pie you showed off to people and it made her cross that she couldn’t. Hangry. Give her a break you are bringing in irrelevant behaviour. You should have said.. ooh I’m so sorry next time I’ll save you a slice. Food=love.

I would tell her that you and your son will bake her and your dad another pie when you get the chance but you're not talking about it any more.

Just reply: 'Yes, that's right. A whole pie! I'm sorry if you were hoping for a bit - I didn't realise.'

Life’s too short. Can’t begin to understand why she reacted in this way. Consider making a similar small pie and giving it to her.
she’s your mum and we all get it wrong sometimes. You shouldn’t apologise as you’ve done nothing wrong. Just be the bigger person and say no more.