To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

I wouldn't acknowledge it any further and change the subject every time she tries to bring it up again. Going forward, I would stop excusing or explaining any circumstances because it'll just give her traction to come back to it.
"Could I have a slice of pie?"
"Pie's all gone mum"
"What, how did you eat it all?"
"Pie's gone mum. What did you say about your plans for Thursday?"
"But how did you eat a whole pie by yourself"
"Mum, I just asked about the plans on Thursday." Then firmly stick to the new subject. Repeat ad infinitum. Don't say you don't want to talk about the pie anymore and instead don't talk about the pie anymore.
Meant to add: this is the only solution I found to break out of the loop by resolutely not engaging anymore.

Did she ask you if you had cream with it?

I would go with 1 for an easy life

Option 2.

Not worth going to war over. My mother delights in being "so thin" and makes out we are all greedy elephants (we are not). Makes her feel better.

If you havnt had this constantly throughout your life you dont know how hard it is to ‘let things go’ as these small interactions where OPs DM has goaded her or gone on at her and then she is the one that is now wronged (the DM) and is patiently waiting for an apology I imagine from OP whilst now doubt telling anyone who will listen how rude OP it’s (speaking from bitter DM experience OP). Then no it’s hard to let go, it’s hard to know the right thing to do, it’s hard not to get sucked in, I think OP genuinely appreciates the feedback even if it seems obvious to some of us!

good luck OP I would pick option 2 on ignore completely.

Id not mention anything. Let her stew

3
Well done for not letting your terrible parenting from her affect your children's upbringing.

I wouldn’t apologise. I’d ignore/forget the subject. Carry on as normal. If she wants to sulk, let her - her loss!

It’s hard to know what the rest of your relationship is like from your first post, but if she’s irritating you, best to see her less anyway. You can be pleasant and breezy but keep more distance. If she’s critical of you generally, you can see her less and tell her less!

Pie sounds great.

She only asked for a slice of pie because you didn't offer it - and because she suspected there wouldn't be any left.

That gave her a great opening for her pie based bullshit.

Unless you want the £10 argument where you tell her she has food issues and you don't want them passing to your kids... ignore all of it in future. Act as if she had not spoken.

Her: But really, a whole pie in a day?
You: Husband did a lovely 55km cycle on Saturday and his parents were round, they're doing great. What did you do at the weekend?
Her: But PIE quantities?!
You: I might paint the living room lavender, what do you think Mother?

And so on.

The other option is to ensure you're in control of when the interaction ends - so you see her out or at hers, you engineer things so that you can leave whenever you want.

Her: You didn't bring some pie with you?
You: The pie is all gone, we had guests over.
Her: BUT A WHOLE PIE
You: Oh dear is that the time I have to go now, bye Mother.

This way she never ever gets a rise from it, she gets ignored or end of interaction entirely as you leave. It is hard to engineer, for sure... but if the behaviour does not work for her she will eventually stop.

Could you just keep saying "What a fuss about nothing!"

I find option 2 the most reasonable one. But it won’t work, she won’t like it, and it will take you to the next stage, number 3, and after defeat, you will go to option 1.
So you will have to settle with option 1 to avoid all the extra drama.

My 80 year old DGMIL (is that too long of an acronym?) was never a skinny woman but she was a nightmare. We lived 2/3hours away so often had to stop for food enroute and it didn’t matter whether it was a McDonald’s or a subway or a Tesco salad she would sniff when we arrived and say… thought you were on a diet?

Then when she was in hospital with terminal cancer she would call my DW every night and give her a run down of everything the woman in the bed opposite had eaten. Oh my god she’s eating a biscuit now! Where does she put it?! You should have seen her she ate all that dinner and had a pudding, constantly eating that one! Mortifying, no matter how often we told her to stop. My wife would have to hang up. The poor woman opposite didn’t seem to be able to speak English but she would have been able to hear her it was horrible

@BeachPossum you could be writing about my Mum. Even your updates I can imagine my Mum doing exactly the same.

I don't think at this point people are capable of change, nor I think perhaps even acknowledge there may be something they should change. Part generational, part personality.

Keep your internal peace, I think when you love people like this, it's all you can do. Option 2 sounds the the only real option.

Ahhh, I’ve just read more of the thread and there is a bigger picture. How did I guess she would dislike you breastfeeding 🤷‍♀️?! Or be jealous of your in-laws 🙄?

I find with my own mother now, if she raises a subject I don’t want to talk about I can say “I dont want to talk about that”. This includes politics and her side of her family. Actually when she has commented on my weight I’ve said “I don’t want to talk about my weight”.

Of course some things do get through without realising catching one by surprise, but if you decide there are hot topics you don’t want to talk about, sticking to that can help. Also mothers who are hard work need to be distanced from 😕. How much depends on you and your own situation.

You get women like that on MN weight loss boards who take it upon themselves to critique other women’s “diets”. A glass of wine or a teaspoon of sugar in your tea can be seen as cause for some light scolding ….

I'd go Option 3 given everything you've written.

She's not wrong. 3 people eating a whole pie in a day is EXTREMELY unhealthy, and quite shocking.

i would like to see the pie

it was five people in two days babes

2, and if/when it comes up again say that it’s important the kids don’t associate food with shame or drama, and even if that seems a bit intense it’s your strongly held view and it won’t change.

Not sure how old your kids are but I explained to mine that two of their grandparents had some very different ideas about food (and some other key things, like commenting on people’s bodies and whether boys can have long hair), and to ignore certain comments because they are just old fashioned and we know better. It’s a fine line because I also emphasise how special and important grandparents are and how we love and respect them…but at some point I think it’s Ok for kids to understand that they are also fucking mentalists 🤣

Mega respect for the cycle breaking….its exhausting but it’s worth it! X

Honestly my mother was like this, often worse. The mistake I made which you made in this instance was to engage with her argument and provide an explanation. You played right into her hand by being on the defensive and she took you for a ride.

You have to look her in the eye and say something like "That is absolutely none of your business" or "Do you think I need your approval, or my family needs your approval for what and when we eat? Because we do not"

You have to find your balls and stay firm about boundaries. Seriously.

She sounds a lot like my mother (who I have not spoken to in nearly a decade by choice).

To answer your question, you do not do any of the three options you listed. I used to be you, and I now have hindsight.

What you do is let her be an adult for once. Let her stew, give you the silent treatment, whatever. You do not gravel back to her as you have clearly been trained to do, especially when she is in the wrong. The fact that she expects an apology for her outrageous behavior is just....classic. If anyone deserves an apology it's you, but she sounds like someone who isn't capable of giving one.

So you do nothing. Eventually she will reach out. If she's like my mother, she will act all hurt and timid, still hoping for that apology she feels entitled to. Nope! You just act happy, chat about the kids, the summer, your plans, etc. You do not mention the stupid pie ever again.

Also, I must agree on the comments about "entertaining" her in the whole pie conversation. I used to react to my mother the same way. I have to "explain" everything. She required it. It was something I was trained to do because she wouldn't stop questioning everything I did.

Again, you must take back control here. In the case of the pie, so she comes over, asks for the pie, you say oh, that was days ago, there's none left. She makes some huge, unreasonable reaction questioning how that is possible, maybe even insinuating that you ate too much of it, and you just say, "Sorry, Mum. It's gone. Can I offer you something else?" And no matter how many more times she goes on about the pie, you say nothing.

Ugh. I could tell from the very first line about your mum's reaction how this would go. It's textbook. You must not play her game.

@FlamingoLlamaI would’ve kicked him out! Along with anybody who spoke like that about food in front of my DC. What a bully.

Wildly unreasonable - strawberries and rhubarb are a match made in heaven.

Hopefully the one thing this thread has shown you, OP, is that you’re (sadly, actually) not alone. I’m another one with a mum like yours - I remember putting on some weight back in my late twenties when I stopped exercising/eating healthily (got all loved up!). I came down with what I later found out was pleurisy on the same weekend my aunt found out she had breast cancer. Still wanted to support her so met my mum over there, where she spent six hours solid talking at me about some weight loss programme she’d seen on the BBC and getting annoyed when I didn’t want to engage with it because I was a) very ill and b) wanted to be there for my aunt and cousins. Or the time I finished my first triathlon and to celebrate, I treated her to a lovely cream tea at a country hotel afterwards and all she would say was, “are you sure you want to undo all that good work?”. Or potentially the time she stripped me naked in front of her full length mirror as a teenager when I’d put on seven pounds in my first year of uni, telling me that I was disgusting and the reason I had no pounds in my bank account was because they pounds were all on me. Also the woman who refuses to leave a scrap on her plate because she can’t countenance wasting food complaining constantly that she’s stuffed.

Their generation has the WORST relationship with food I’ve ever seen, the amount of shame they attach to it is insane and it’s definitely had a massive impact on our generation. It usually doesn’t happen in isolation either - it comes wrapped in a history of controlling behaviours on many fronts, which often become abusive to those in their care. I’m really glad you’re in therapy and you’re working through this - it is very unlikely you’ll ever both be as open and honest as you want to be to actually have a real relationship but the fact that you still would want that points far more to your strength of character and self-awareness than her lack. All the luck, OP (and thanks for the recipe!)

An ENORMOUS pie to go with the MASSIVE SALAD. Delicious.

Well this is what happens when you shred those futile food pics . Oh look at us we made a pie, look at how yummy it looks but don’t come round as we will have eaten it.