To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

I definitely wouldn’t apologise.

I’d probably ignore the message and see what happened- but also wouldn’t be inviting her over again any time soon. Especially any time close to morning coffee/ lunch.

If she questioned me in person I would just sigh in an exaggerated way and change the subject as many times as necessary.

3
She'll sulk, she'll shout... but honestly if she wants to be ridiculous let her, and laugh at her.
Yes it will cause chaos but sometimes you need to let these kinds of mothers (yes I have one) feel the consequences of their constant attention seeking.
You said it's a pattern of behaviour, if you let it continue it'll escalate.

My mother in law always made an apple and strawberry pie which seemed strange to me but was delicious. I don't know why it seemed so strange as you have all sorts of other fruit with apple. I just hadn't come across it before.

Out of interest, what would you apologise for?
Sorry I ate my own pie?

Way too much drama, take the option that will move you both on, you onto a place where you see her a lot, lot less. Her to wherever.

Yes in retrospect I think this is right.

The whole thing was a set up to see how much pie you’d eaten.

Let her stew for a bit then if she doesn’t get in touch I’d message in a few days apologising for snapping but making it clear why. She’s in the wrong - my aunt is exactly like this and her son had bulimia after his entire childhood and adolescence was spent listening to comments like this. I hate eating in her company as it feels like she’s keeping tally of how much everyone eats.

I’d be making lots of pies over the future months, flaunted on Social media and there would simply be none available when she finally repeats her behaviour.
Either the message will sink in and or it wont.

Insert pun about humble pie…

I would go with number 3 but number 2 prolly more sensible

@IPM - not sure why you are repeatedly missing the point on this thread. OP is very articulate and genuinely asking for advice.

This is my mum. There is absolutely an obsession about food and how much she eats compared to what others eat. She boasts about her small portion sizes and he size 8 figure. She constantly describes people by their weight.

you can’t call any of her behavior out (and it goes much wider than food) or she explodes.

I would love to text your mum in this situation:

’ We will never so this from each others perspective- so can I ask for the sake of our relationship that you don’t comment on what I and my family eat.’

your mum, like my mum, responds very poorly to boundaries. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have them

I think I’ve spotted an opportunity to start practising your grey rocking skills OP 😂

I felt really sorry for you, having such an unhinged Mum, until I saw that recipe. That sounds fucking delicious, I'd go on about it if I'd missed out on that.

You have my sympathy I have a family member like this. I just look blankly or baffled when they start going on and they don't do it so much anymore. It is sad though. They go on and on about how they couldn't possible eat an entire sandwich, how massive our portions are, it's like they won't allow themselves to eat a proper meal. And then they binge eat crisps and biscuits.

I wouldn’t have explained.
Even if I’d eaten the entire pie by myself. It’s not her business.
So what if would feed her and her husband for a week - in my hose anythin that tasty is devoured

The only reason I know this wasn’t me posting is because I’ve never made a pie like that!!
But you are describing my mum to a tee!!
It’s exhausting & draining dealing with someone like this & we spend a lifetime undoing the damage while trying to prevent them from doing more to our children. I am also in therapy trying to make my peace with many things from my childhood and to try not to pass on any learned behaviours.

Personally I would be inclined not to apologise. I don’t think you have anything to apologise for you. You gave an answer 5 times which she didn’t accept. If you apologise now you are validating her behaviour & she can continue the guilt tripping. Remember we cannot change these people’s behaviours, however we can change the response that we give to them.

By not responding you are strong boundaries & a clear message that you refuse to engage. If she tries to bring it up you can deflect with I’ve give you my answer, 5 times no less, you just refuse to accept it.

Hopefully by sending a strong message now it may help to stop these behaviours. You may also need to have a few key phrases to help with other things. For example this is a happy food house, we don’t discuss these things here thank you. Then change the subject & move on. It’s really difficult but with practise you can do it & your mum won’t get the response that expects from you.

Here complete overreaction was probably because she is permanently hungry!

Next time cook her a whole pie so she’s less hangry.

Strawberry and rhubarb crumble is the absolute best. (On a cool summer's day, obviously.)
The fragrance and sweetness of the strawberries complements the sharp, vegetal rhubarb beautifully.
(I would love to do 3 but would probably end up going with 2.)

Reckon you should make DM a pie …

4 - ‘yes I was hurt too at the implication I was greedy- how about we both just put it behind us as I don’t want to fall out with you over this’

Ignore and carry on like nothing happened.
Should she dare to mention it again. Don't explain yourself. Just say something like "Hell yeah we ate it all, it was bloody gorgeous" Then change the subject.

Ugh, sounds like my mum. Not with tiny appetite but just can't shut her yap on a subject and pushes and pushes and pushes. Then when you react like a normal person and push back after she's ignored all the none verbal cues she takes offence and then tries to guilt trip and thinks shes always being picked on, why does everyone treat me like this etc etc. It's frustrating and like you I have a superficial relationship, it sounds awful but last time I saw her I found it quite hard to want to give her a hug which is incredibly sad :( I worry about some of her views being voiced around my child too as he grows.

Number 2 is what I would do in your list because I know that any attempt at a revelation in your mum will not happen, especially at her age. Solidarity though!

No, tell her you don’t want to share your homemade pies with her 🤓

I would do option 2 first and depending on how (un)reasonable her reply I would then send her the above reply

2

Keep your response as minimal as your response to what she said, should have been. You tried to justify where the pie went (and in doing so triggered her by mentioning the in-laws).

Your answer should have been "yes, it was delicious" followed by an instant change of subject. So your response to the text should be "let's not fall out over pie. What have you been doing today?"

I wouldn’t do anything.
Her drama is over. Don’t feed it.
No apology from you needed.

If she wants to talk about it more, just say ‘I’ve nothing else to say and I won’t be engaging with you over the subject of food again, specially in front of the children, so please drop it now’

YANBU OP don’t apologise until she apologises for making such a fuss over food.