To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

I’ve often made it at a relative’s place in France (the crumble, anyway) since there’s rhubarb in the garden and strawberries from the local Carrefour don’t last 5 minutes - there are always some that need using up PDQ.

This is a great script.

In my opinion, IF you knew your mum had been planning to visit, you should have saved her a slice of the pie, so soon after you posted it on the group.

However, as you did not know she was coming, YANBU.

OP I can relate so much to your posts.

It ramped up another notch when you moved onto BF. My mum has always been very proud of having breastfed me and I received many lectures on its importance, particularly in that it allegedly helps the baby maintain a lower BMI as an adult. But as soon as my baby passed the age at which she'd stopped BFing - 12 weeks - there was this violent 360 and she was on my back about when will you stop feeding, don't you think the baby's getting a bit old for that now, it's really not the done thing you know. Seriously. With a 3 month old. It was pure jealousy. The day she perceived I'd "beaten her record" she didn't want to play any more. Absolutely zero actual interest in any real or imagined benefit to her own granddaughter's health.

I'm in camp just let it lie. My therapist has helped me get more control on how often I see her, and basically advises me to keep the kids away from her as much as I possibly can.

If that's the case you need to do the nuclear option OP. You've had years of it already, she won't stop if you just ignore.

Number 3 but I always go for the nuclear option be cause I can't stand narcissists and that's the best way to get them out of my life! Not helpful but my honest answer!

A pie should not have 9 slices it should have an even number.

If you ever think you have snapped or been unkind Op, remember this that you posted

she's the reason I have weekly therapy and has been a source of untold hurt and confusion in my life.

If she wasn't your mum you'd have booted her out of your life long ago.

The fact that she is your Mum makes it so much worse.

She should love you unconditionally.

She doesn't deserve to have you or your kids in her life.

It seems to be you that lacks the comprehension skills. Because that was the end for OP, until her DM made another 4 comments. She can’t control her DM, so your suggestion that it should have ended there was out of OPs control

“Sorry if you were offended by my comment. I thought I had explained why the pie ran out and didn’t want to keep going over it.”

You say sorry, but it’s that kind of half sorry that’s a bit ambiguous 🤣

I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg.

She asked for a slice so that she could say “Just a small piece please” and then, even if you cut it with a vegetable peeler, gasp in horror and cry “A smaaaaaall piece, I said! Not even half of that!”. Then, of course, making a big exhibition of not being able to finish the huge piece you had given her.

She would probably have thrown in a “Goodness, not much left, is there? You must have been VERY hungry!” for good measure. She was probably reaching for the Tena Lady in excitement when she realised the whole thing was gone.

Ooh can you please explain why? I've never ever heard of this "rule" before!
Is it the same for cake?! 🤔😉

And waste a slice on her to only have a mouthful and say "oh I couldn't possibly eat the WHOLE slice" ? Tell her to fuck off

It’s not about a slice of pie though is it. It’s about a woman trying to navigate a complex and difficult relationship with her mum. Very reductive and dismissive to leave such a comment

You have my sympathy on this. My mum goes on and on about people drinking, when she’s been married to a functioning alcoholic for decades who puts booze before anyone or
anything.

She’s also a huge fattist, and comments on her close friends and how much they eat and how they gain or lose weight.

When challenged recently it’s as though I was making it up as she wouldn’t have any of it. Until I insisted I hadn’t dreamt it. Whilst it was uncomfortable and brought us close to having a row, she did concede and I think that’s what they need every now and then. Challenge.

At what point do these people become like this? Or have they always been?

I like this!

and then severely limit how much you tell her in the future.

set up a separate group with your MIL.

as I mentioned earlier my mum is a similar nightmare and my poor sister has fallen into the same trap over the years by over sharing. Even if you think it’s the most innocuous thing, my mum will find a way of criticising, or making it about her, or being offended or getting angry, or listening to her say ‘well I wouldn’t have done that’ etc

Its really hard and rage inducing to have to do this with your own mother but it’s necessary to preserve sanity.

PM me if you want to vent further. I really do understand how awful it is!

Number 4, ignore the dozy wombat completely. Do not reward her crap behaviour.

I wouldn't get involved with head games or drama. I'd text back to say "OK, get in touch when you're ready to move on" and then enjoy the peace whilst she deals with the fact you are refusing to take responsibility for her feelings.

Do you have to reply? She’s saying she’s hurt, that’s simply her emotion. Her telling you her emotion seems to pull you to action. (like a well rehearsed script)

For a change, could you do nothing, but a day later text her about something completely different? “Hi mum, just letting you know we bumped into cousin Bob yesterday, he says hi!” Just don’t respond to the hurt comment and see what happens.

Do 1/2 and 1/2. Say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry I snapped. But your competitive undereating and obsession with dieting and food is inappropriate around my children.'

She'll take the huff. But wait for her to get over it or she'll just feel justified in continuing to do it.

Don't say sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.

Ignore the whole thing - she's a toddler having a tantrum.

This don’t apologise and don’t contact her when she contacts you - ask for an apology ‘I hope you are phoning to apologise for your constant negative comments about pie’ big pause….

on repeat.

My mother (not in contact) is slightly overweight but will feed me one piece of ham, two leaves and maybe 3 chips saying oh gosh that’s enough to fill everyone up - then she’s eats an entire chocolate cake on her own - literally would see it go down slice by slice, meanwhile making negative comments ….

and don’t have her on social media either btw

My mum used to do this all the time. One day I snapped and simply told her I was so sorry she had an eating disorder at 65, and how very hard it was for women of her generation to have a normal relationship with food. Absolutely saturated her in a kind of neutral pity. She’s never brought up being ‘naughty’ or ‘greedy’ again.

If you try to appease her in any way she'll see it as a victory for her.

I'd ignore it. 100%.

Loving your cool, logical approach!