To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

Yes, she was ridiculous and jealous of your in laws that had a portion of the pie.

The pie was gone, that’s it 🤷🏻‍♀️ don’t care if you ate it all yourself, smeared it on the walls then licked it off or just binned it untouched…it’s gone, nothing else to discuss! I wouldn’t apologise, I’d smooth over by saying I’m not arguing over pie..lots of folk came round and helped us eat the pie but nx tine I make it, I’ll keep a slice back for you..and leave it at that. If it bothers her that much, give her the recipe and tell her to knock herself out and make as many pies as she likes 😆

I find thar ‘thanks for letting me know how you feel’ is a good answer. Doesn’t mean you you agree with any of it or have to apologise!

2, and when it doesn't work follow up with 3.

Then keep your head down and wait for her apology, which will not come.

When she has quite finished try 2 again once only, and do not reply till she does.

That's in an imaginary perfect world. I'd probably just ignore her, and maybe don't post food pics on any media she can access.

Not posting any more food pics is a good shout. It's not something I do super often but if I've made something with my son I'll sometimes share because he likes his grandparents to see. I'll share with inlaws only from now on!

@BeachPossum you might find this book helpful:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

She didn’t want that pie, just wanted to find out how much you eaten so she could crow. Option number 2, she’s being ridiculous.

I really relate to this - what you say describes my relationship with my mum too. Not about food, really - although she always hints at me being too fat despite being a size 10 almost my entire life and I'm a good two sizes smaller than her - but we seem incapable of having anything beyond a superficial relationship because she was a pretty awful mother to me, to be honest, although comparatively fine with my siblings, and there's so much I am NOT telling her that I have to bite my tongue the entire time. There's no point telling her though because she never takes accountability for anything.

I have a terrible relationship with my own mother. She is very controlling around food, and my entire life in general. Her parents no longer want to speak to her because her father (my grandfather) has cancer, and my mum keeps telling him what he should and shouldn't eat. In my mother's own words - "I saw my dad eating a Cornish pasty and I told him he's not allowed to eat that when he's got cancer should only have organic vegetables!" And no wonder they won't speak to her. They've dealt with it that way. I personally speak to my mother once a month at most and she's only met my children in person once. I have had periods of almost 2 years with 0 contact after she's said something terrible.

Once she told me my son's disabilities were because of my parenting skills and what I feed him. People like this do not change they just get new victims. Ignore her. Make clear boundaries.

You don't have to do anything. I just wouldn't text her or answer her calls.

She'll realise what she's done and either adjust her behaviour or you'll end up low/no contact.

Teach people how you'll accept being treated.

Firstly, I’m impressed that you got 9 slices out of a pie!! Husband and I have been known to polish off a pie between us in 2 sittings 😂😂
Tough call - I’d probably bottle it and do number 1 after wasting way too much time thinking about it!! Short apology then see her less. Good luck :-)

She and your father would have had a whole 180 degrees, you, your family and your in-laws had 72 degrees each, Oh mum, how could you manage 2.5 times what we each managed?

As a sideline, strawberries and rhubarb sounds revolting!!

Your first paragraph is very reasonable, but YABU for the second, strawberry and rhubarb is a heavenly combination! I highly recommend you take a chance on it 😉

My mother was weird about food too. Lifelong bulimic, I later discovered.

If I'd had a conversation with her like this, I'd go for option 2. I'd also plan to say on one day when she seemed to be in a good mood, "Mum, do you think about food a lot? Only it seems to really worry you." If she responds defensively, you say "I just wondered, NVM" and change the subject.

If she's anything like mine she will brood and brood over it for weeks and it might seed some helpful thoughts (or not, but it's worth a go). Good luck!

She obviously only came for the pie. She's miffed that she made the effort for nothing.

My DGM was what you might call a “difficult woman” who could hold a grudge pending unwarranted apologies for non existent offences as if it were an Olympic sport.

I shouldn't laugh but haha 🤣...an Olympic sport...im gonna use that @C8H10N4O2

No be honest. I think all of your potential solutions come across as enabling a narcissist 🤷🏼‍♀️

If she goes ‘nuclear’ leave her to wallow in her own self pity

This would be my choice.

Don’t engage in it any further. She’s never going to change so action is not going to solve anything. Just let it naturally dissipate. She’ll be on about something else next time anyway.

You agree with her.
works every time.
Mum . I will have some pie.
You. Explains it had all gone,
Mum. It would have lasted us a week.
You. Yes it would have but sorry it is gone.
Mum. It looked so nice . I wish we could have had some.
You . Yes we were proud of it, it was lovely.
Mum. I just can believe it was all eaten.
You. Yes it has all been eaten, do you want the recipe do you can make it?
Mum. But I was so looking forward to some.
You. We enjoyed it. Maybe you should make some,

4: just grey rock it, you know she'll cause more fuss

I’ve never heard of that combination but I’d definitely try it if I saw it (or made it).

Pinterest has some recipes 🥳

I’m now craving a rhubarb and strawberry pie. Or a crumble. 😋

Personally I would go with option 3 if she mentions it again. My mum was like this my whole life criticizing everything we ate and she was on a constant diet and still is at age 74. The first diet she put me on I was 7 because you can't be pudgy. 🙄 I developed anorexia and had to be hospitalized multiple times. It has been a struggle my whole life and she used to remark about when I was so thin and I snap back it's because I starved myself and almost died. The first time she said anything in front of my DC about food I shut her down and told her absolutely not that I would not tolerate it. She was really angry and tested me a few times but she had to get over it because I was not allowing it. One time I even packed up and left. My now much older young adult DCs roll their eyes about her food comments and know how obsessively unhealthy it is.

This is really damaging to children and adults and my children's well being was the most important thing to me. I don't blame you OP for being upset. Your kids having healthy views about food is more important than her pouty feelings.

My mum behaves like this at times and it causes no end of dramatic ordeals over various trivial things.

in this situation, I would be looking for the real reason behind the comments... for my mum, that would be that I'd shared the pie (and quality time) with my in laws. She gets jealous about them being closer than she is, and it's a lot easier to see them. But that they get in frequency, my parents get in longevity, with overnight visits etc.

is there another reason behind the fuss over the pie, do u think?

obv she still behaved like a dick either way

Tell her to piss off.