To accept a job at another school because a teacher I line manage is so emotionally fragile that I can’t take it anymore?

[HonestTealPoster]

She breaks down on me regularly - crying, panicking, overwhelmed almost every day. I’ve tried to support her as best I can but it’s become emotionally draining and has started affecting my own wellbeing.

I feel guilty for even saying this but I don’t think I can be around it much longer - I’m not a counsellor and the weight of it is starting to make me dread coming in. A new opportunity has come up at another school and I’m tempted to take it just for peace of mind.

AIBU to consider leaving because of this?

You are not kicking someone when they are down. If after a considerable length of time you are unable to improve the situation - then both your colleague and the SLT need to manage it. If that means saying - 'Not today Flo - I'm having problems myself and don't have the head space to cope with your issues right now. Your issues are yours - so own them and take steps to change them! Please don't come to me again about it as I have passed this to xyz to manage because it is affecting my own performance at work. Then step away (Or run!) physically and remove yourself from the situation and tell SLT that you have done so - and they need to be ready for Flo! Sometimes you just need to pass the buck!!

I completely understand how stressful and impactful this can be - my husband left the profession altogether after line managing two extremely difficult teachers (they were awful and his mental health was in tatters after just one year of it).

If the only reason you're considering leaving is because of this teacher, it would be awful for you to have to leave a job you like because of one person (particularly when you have no idea if the new school will come with it's own issues). Is there absolutely no way you can speak to HR and your line manager and refuse to LM them next year? In my school SLT often move around line management structures, so it wouldn't be unusual for that to happen. Have you had a very frank conversation with your manager and the headteacher and explained the impact - they surely wouldn't want to risk you being off with stress, as you're presumably in a more senior position than the teacher? Is the teacher's performance affected to the point that they could be considered for PIP? It may prompt them to take the time they need to resolve the problems they're experiencing, or to look for a role they're more suited to. Another option would be to limit your contact as much as possible - stick to scheduled KITs and make yourself unavailable at all other times for a period of time, until they stop relying on venting to you.

If none of it is possible then moving may be your only option - it's worth the piece of mind.

DH was unsure about leaving HE post - his management didn't have their backs so routine problems got prolonged and made worse. Stress really started to affect him and our home life.

When oppountity arose he moved to another uni nearby - we couldn't move as kids in exam years - it's completely different and same situations have occured but-support is and they are dealt with as part of a team so much less stresful on him.

Unless there are signifcant downside to a move - I'd suggest serioulsy just walking away from the situation. In mean time stepping back and getting SLT to do something about this staff member seems best way to cope.

I left an SLT job I loved as I could not line manage fragile people any longer. Somebody in hysterics as their dog was ill, someone getting divorced who took 8 weeks off, someone who cried if the timetable wasn’t exactly what they wanted, someone who broke their arm and refused to even attempt to get into work as they couldn’t drive and how on earth else could they possibly come in? Utter nightmare. I’m now in a job where I line manage no one and get paid more, it’s brilliant!

I’m so sorry to hear what your husband went through and I completely understand how that kind of emotional weight can push someone out altogether. That’s what I’m trying to avoid, I actually like this school and don’t want to leave. It’s just this one situation that’s taken a disproportionate toll.

I haven’t had a fully frank conversation with the head yet but it’s becoming clear I need to. I’ve raised concerns but I think I’ve softened the impact too much. I appreciate the reminder that leadership structures can be reshuffled and also that I can and should create firmer boundaries in the meantime. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

Your colleagues is responsible for her own emotions. It’s totally unacceptable for her to be dumping them onto you for any length of time, especially if you’ve signposted resources. I hope you find a solution.

I mentioned it earlier, and I think it must have got missed, but you mentioned it's been like this since the start of term, I.e since coming back after Easter. Is that the case? If so, we'll stay understand she's draining, it's not been very long and there's a big 6-week break coming up, which might resolve some of her difficulties. It seems to me a little excessive to leave a job unless it becomes a longer term thing.

Doesn't she have a duty of care though?

What's been recorded when she's had her performance management?

keep a record of absolutely everything and document this both for her and SLT. You're talking about how draining it is and how much support you've given But you need to be able to evidence this both to her to show she's not doing anything and to the senior leadership team to show what you've already done and how it's on them now to take over and support her.
I would maybe summarise what's been done over the last few weeks and then tell her when she comes to speak to you that you need to record this because you feel that there's not been any sort of progress despite the strategies that you feel you're putting in place and so you need to pass it further up. I would also read it back to her at the end and say you said this I've suggested this These are things that we've already done and your response to them.

I would also put it in writing that the SLT have a responsibility to support your health and well being .This part of your job is taking up 85% of your time and it's making you seriously consider changing schools.

In any other sector this person - who is clearly underperforming - would already be on a PIP which gives clear strategies for improvement. As a line manager I find it hard to believe you haven't gone down this route - you are in face enabling the poor performance/leaning on you emotionally because you are not addressing the behaviour formally.

I’m a teacher and have had a similar issue. Don’t be too kind to her. If this is a regular thing ongoing then she’s not fit to teach and you shouldn’t enable her. Be firm and cool - not easy I know.

This absolutely needs escalating formally.

Even if you do decide to leave, it’s unlikely you could go before Oct half term, more likely Christmas if you are senior with years of service. So what happens during Autumn term…
Thats if you are successful in gaining the new job. She could well be crying every day at the thought of you leaving too.

This teacher needs proper support, with summer holidays approaching I would lay it out for her - she need to have a hard think about her future, whether as a teacher or not, and has six weeks to get herself in a better place with a solid plan.
If she’s still crying in September, she needs to be signed off and/or quit.

I hear you OP but there should be processes in place to support the line management of staff. Has she been referred to OH or Wellbeing forum?
You may find that you get another challenging situation if you move school.
You should not be made to feel as you are. The Teacher clearly needs professional support / counselling etc

The joys of people management.
Important to remember that there are several committed, conscientious and reliable people too!
But I appreciate that it only takes one to take up all your time and resources

??? She is a line manager of another teacher…. She can’t just fire her… that would have to go through Senior Leadership Team, governors, there would have to be ample evidence of her incompetence…

Morning @HonestTealPoster. Hope today goes well and you have a plan to put in place.

Sounds to me like she needs to be signed off for mental health reasons, it is very draining though so I understand your point of view aswell and if you think you"d be happier taking this new job then do it, you have tried your best with her but she needs help from a doctor

Next time she approaches you with the same issues, explain gently that you've discussed this many many times, given her advice which she has chosen not yo follow (re-state what this is) and that the regularity of the situation is damaging your own mental health so you have decided therefore that you will not discuss this on any future occasion.

This sounds tough, OP, but as PP have said, make this SLT’s problem. You say you’ve spoken to them and suggested she speak to them but have you actually physically taken her to a member of the SLT when she starts unravelling? That needs to happen every time.

You’re obviously a very caring person, however, there is some truth in being cruel to be kind in circumstances like this. Endlessly supporting her emotional outpourings is actually not helpful to her. It allows her to stay stuck rather than grow professionally. It’s an unacceptable burden on you to the extent you’re thinking of leaving. If you’re otherwise happy at this school, she shouldn’t be the reason you leave.

How have the past couple of days gone?