To accept a job at another school because a teacher I line manage is so emotionally fragile that I can’t take it anymore?

[HonestTealPoster]

She breaks down on me regularly - crying, panicking, overwhelmed almost every day. I’ve tried to support her as best I can but it’s become emotionally draining and has started affecting my own wellbeing.

I feel guilty for even saying this but I don’t think I can be around it much longer - I’m not a counsellor and the weight of it is starting to make me dread coming in. A new opportunity has come up at another school and I’m tempted to take it just for peace of mind.

AIBU to consider leaving because of this?

I work in the NHS. It’s exhausting supporting people this way, esp when you are dealing with similar work issues and pressures to them, and have other responsibilities at home etc.

You should not leave as you may come across similar people elsewhere.
Only management can make a difference. You need to deal with the practical issues you can address, and then escalate, escalate, escalate.

Go for the opportunity, if that's what you want to do. I'm getting the sense that there are some downsides to this though which is why you feel a bit torn.

I think you need to flag your concerns to HR at your current school as the member of staff seems to be failing to meet Teachers' Standards:

No. 8 "Develop effective professional relationships with colleagues, knowing how and when to draw on advice and specialist support."

Part 2 "A teacher is expected to demonstrate consistently high standards of personal and professional conduct."

Virtually impossible in teaching. It's why there are so many incompetents.

I had a similar situation and it took me being kindly blunt with her for her to realise she can’t keep behaving like this. I think when we are in nice, supportive line management, after a while it enables the behaviour and allows them to think it’s ok and keep hanging off others.

I planned a 1:1 carefully and used examples to show her that her behaviour, whilst understandable were not professional or acceptable and that she needed to source support to behave properly a work or there would be higher consequences about her fitness to practice. She was distraught and embarrassed because she’d assumed everyone was fine with her crying and panicking all the time because no one told her they weren’t (to her face). She was in floods and floods of tears and went off sick for a month or so. She did seek support and is better to a point. When she came back I started right off with setting very specific boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable. We’re getting there.

it’s not ok to cry, panic and lean on you to get through the day - regardless of the reasons. She’s not fit to work and it’s unprofessional. Can you just tell her that in a kind way?

Re your update - this is already affecting your mental health, you are already dreading going to work, have said you feel emotionally drained and are so upset you have writen on mumsnet about it.

I've ticked yabu but only because as her line manager, respectfully, you need to act like one and deal with the situation appropriately. This cannot be allowed to continue and you need to advise her or escalate further. It's not for you to run away.

Ask for a meeting with the Head and tell them you are considering leaving because of this situation. I can guarantee they will not want you to go and leave them with the problem. Be clear that you want her line managed outside the department by a member of SLT and that you will no longer tolerate being her emotional support human.

this happened to my wonderful head of department and the only solution was to remove the management of the person to someone else. In this case the member of staff was abusive and it was not taken seriously until she was screaming at a member of SLT.

Love this advice too

Thank you - this really helps. It sounds harsh on the surface but I know you’re right. I’ve tried being supportive and gently signposting but I think I’ve avoided having that clear boundary-setting conversation because I didn’t want to make things worse for her.

But you’re right - the emotional reliance is becoming a default dynamic, and that’s not suitable or professional. Your experience gives me confidence to be more direct (but kind) and make sure she understands the impact and limits of what I can hold. I just don’t think she realises how much it’s affecting others, especially me.

its hard on you to be in this situation. I’ve been in a similar situation where I provided TLC, directed to employee assistance programmes. As it became recurrent I told them that the behaviour was not professional and would hamper their career unless they got it under control, coping mechanisms etc. It did work and over time the crying and upset situations reduced in frequency. I do wonder whether it was the shock of being called out on it that made the difference as they trusted me as we had built up a relationship. Maybe it would work for you?

Is there something specific going on? A recent bereavement or breakup or is this her personality?

It's true that sacking teachers is difficult, but it is certainly commonplace for unscrupulous and bullying SLTs to manage out teachers who are too expensive or who question anything. Of course there are some incompetent teachers, as there are in any line of work. They should all be sacked immediately so that they can be replaced by all the excellent, well-qualified ones queuing up to join the profession. Oh hang on...

Sounds awful. I had to manage someone, very very young who was made homeless and diagnosed with bpd. It was very difficult. The only thing that helped was when she left. It was emotionally draining. Even a counsellor has just fifty mins once a week with a particular client. 8 hrs a day of the same persons woes is draining. I’d leave.

My advice is to be careful about the advice you give her! For example, do not tell her she's not fit to work. Do not tell her she's being unprofessional. Don't say anything other than what you've been doing eg suggesting the GP and signposting her to support available in school.

The SLT need to be dealing with this and it may end up being a capability issue so make sure you don't tell/advise her anything outside of your own professional responsibilities.

I don't blame you for wanting to escape the situation because it sounds intolerable. If you decide to stay, I think you should seek advice from your union as you're not being supported professionally and what you're having to do on a daily basis is outside of your job description.

Look after yourself. 💐

Just to say, you are an empathetic person and you are mind reading here when you say "I just don't think she realises how much it's affecting others".

There's no real reason to believe this, she may know full well that she is driving you to distraction and simply be prioritising what she sees as her own needs. She might just be quite selfish and feel entitled to your continued shoulder to cry on.

Do be prepared for her to push back and lash out at you when she realises you are no longer going to be her emotional sponge.

It may not happen like that, but it is a possiblity, and so you should be prepared to be calm and steadfast and stick to your guns regardless.

I’ve also tried to be supportive and point her towards professional help but it’s becoming a repeated pattern now and I’m starting to feel out of my depth. What you said about the shock of being kindly but clearly called out really resonates, I think part of the issue is that no one’s drawn the line and she sees me as a safe space, which has unintentionally encouraged the behaviour.

That’s part of what’s made it tricky - there hasn’t been a recent bereavement or breakup (at least not that she’s shared) and this has been ongoing since the start of term. It seems more like a general emotional fragility rather than a situational reaction.

I’ve asked gently a few times if there’s anything in particular going on but she usually just says she feels overwhelmed or anxious. I want to be supportive but I also have to think about the impact on the team and my own wellbeing.

I have ended up in this space with friendships rather than coworkers. I realised that I was trying to fix things that I wasn’t responsible for.

What is your level of responsibility in this. Work only to that level with her and then be quite cold with your boundaries. She is unwittingly I have no doubt, manipulating you to take more responsibility for her than you have. Close that down with her. Chat gpt can help you with phrases to set boundaries.

Please don't be the person who 'draws the line'. If she ends up going through a capability procedure, her union will be encouraging her to place blame/ find fault with the support she's had. 'Calling her out' (however kindly) is not your job and it could be cited as unsupportive behaviour. Keep doing what you're doing and nothing more. SLT should be the ones stepping up. (I'm a retired HT but I doubt the capability process has changed hugely).

Not unreasonable at all. It’s very emotionally draining to be someone’s crutch and at some point they need to be signed off work/dealt with by a mental health professional/ get a new job.

This isn't getting any better because you're enabling the situation. You haven't made it clear to her that what she's doing is unacceptable and you haven't made your line managers sit up and take any real notice.

It is not actually helping her, obviously it's making your work life a misery to the point you want to run away. You're doing someone else's job (your line manager's, HR, Occy Health, support services) and they're happy with that.

You've had some excellent advice on what to do next from PP. Only take another job if you would want to without this situation.

You say you line manage her OP - who is responsible for reviewing her performance? For creating and implementing a performance plan?

If that’s you, then you need to take a firmer approach and go down the capability route.

If it’s the SL team, they need to be doing this. How much information have you given them about her? They need specific details of what you’re having to provide. Have you spoken to them in more general terms? I find a diary style approach helps - detail what happened on what day, include everything no matter how minor.

Is this impacting her teaching? You say you’ve had to make adjustments - have these helped?

It sounds a bit as if you’ve approached this more like a friendship/mentor than a line manager so no wonder you’re worn out.

Also, I would explicitly tell the SL that you will be looking for jobs elsewhere if something isn’t done because this situation has been left unresolved for too long. Could they take on responsibility for line managing them? That would give you the break you need. Any chance of a structural reshape? Perfect time to do it with the summer holidays here.

You can leave for whatever reason.

If you don’t want to leave, then raise it with your own manager.

What has she actually done to help herself? Has she been to the GP, counselling etc?

I am technically responsible for reviewing her performance but in practice I’ve felt unsure where the line is between being a supportive manager and enabling a pattern that isn’t sustainable. I’ve raised concerns in more general terms to SLT but you’re right, they need clearer, evidence-based detail. I’m going to start documenting things properly, including what I’ve already tried and the impact it’s had.

The emotional toll has definitely blurred the boundaries, so I agree this can’t continue like this into the new academic year. I hadn’t thought of formally asking for the line management to be reassigned but that might be a practical solution. I really appreciate the thoughtful suggestions.