To accept a job at another school because a teacher I line manage is so emotionally fragile that I can’t take it anymore?

[HonestTealPoster]

She breaks down on me regularly - crying, panicking, overwhelmed almost every day. I’ve tried to support her as best I can but it’s become emotionally draining and has started affecting my own wellbeing.

I feel guilty for even saying this but I don’t think I can be around it much longer - I’m not a counsellor and the weight of it is starting to make me dread coming in. A new opportunity has come up at another school and I’m tempted to take it just for peace of mind.

AIBU to consider leaving because of this?

I agree that a firm approach is needed now.

Put the onus back on her.

"It's unfortunate that you're feeling upset today. I feel your GP is in the best position to help you. Please let me know if you need time off for an appointment"

And then walk away.

You have acknowledged that she is upset, signposted her to help and offered support if needing time off.

And keep repeating it every time.

You HAVE to shut her down. What you are doing is not helping.
You are just involving yourself in her case against the school later on.
She will go out sick.
She will try to drag you down with her.

PROTECT YOURSELF

Yes, I’ve raised concerns with SLT and HR and I agree that it’s gone beyond a point where gently support is enough. I’ve also started documenting incidents and the impact on the classroom environment, which definitely isn’t neutral. You’re right: when someone is constantly distressed, the children do pick up on it, even if subtly. I’m just as the stage now where I’m weighing up whether I want to stay and keep pushing for a resolution or take the opportunity to move on because the emotional toll on me has been steadily increasing too.

This sounds awful OP. I saw this happening to someone else a few years ago (different sector), and it wasn't solved until the managers' manager really understood the stress they were under and took over direct line management of that person. Could you push for that? There's no shame in it, and it doesn't seem you are getting the support you need. Some situations require a much more interventionist approach and there are some people you cannot fix with kindness (I wonder if a man would be so kind?) and conscientiousness.

It would be a shame to change jobs if you are otherwise happy and settled. I honestly feel that you need to make this your own managers' problem. That's what they are for.

In your situation I would hand in my resignation and accept the new job. Other people should be supporting you and this colleague rather than leaving you to cope alone with her MH spiralling. It isn’t fair on either of you.

You are now aware that if you ever have to face a serious problem in the future, your SLT will treat you in exactly the same way as they’ve treated your colleague. Sadly, many schools are like this but hopefully your new job will be better.

You’re right, it has become too personal and I’ve unintentionally allowed too many informal moments to blur the line between support and counselling. I like the idea of shifting to scheduled, documented sessions with a third person present, it takes the weight off me and gives the situation proper structure. I also really appreciate the reminder that compassion doesn’t mean carrying everything alone, sometimes the kindest thing is to help someone face the reality of what needs to change.

Once she starts crying, stop, clasp your hands and say - let me know when you are ready to proceed. Do not try to comfort her. Look out the window, read. Repeat as necessary. Do not be distracted from the purpose of your meeting.

It sounds like a type of reverse bullying

Thank you - this really resonated. I’ve been so focused on trying to support her that I hadn’t fully acknowledged how unsupported I feel in all this. You’re absolutely right: this needs to become my manager’s problem now. I’m not the right person to be handling something this emotionally complex without proper authority or backup and it’s starting to erode my own wellbeing.

And yes - your point about whether a man would be expected to carry this so quietly really hit home. I’ve been trying to manage with compassion but it’s clearly time for a firmer, more structural response.

Jeez. How draining. She is being incredibly unprofessional and you are not there to mother her. She appears to be incapable of performing her role to the expected standards based on her emotional frailty. Why didn't you tell her this at her performance review? Pussyfooting around the issues isn't going to help either of you. Tell her straight that she is being unfair on you and needs to get herself sorted asap.

I am really sorry @HonestTealPoster but I would be asking your SLT why she is not on capability? That is what it is there for, also has anyone had the conversation with this teacher about whether this is the career for her? I have recently sat with our HT to go through our Joiners, Movers and Leavers and we have an ECT who has decided that teaching is not the job for her. There is no shame in this and everyone will end up being happier and we are known locally as a supportive school... last year two teachers came back.

You have a few months until you can next resign, ie, 31 October to go at the end of the Autumn Term, so tell your SLT, that you will not be mentoring this member of staff next year and it is time for capability to begin.

Do you work for a trust or LA? The trust I work for has recently invested in an outside coach focusing on resiliency, managing work load and stress etc and have been trialing with teachers of a similar profile as the teacher you describe and there have been fantastic results. Is there anyway something like this could be offered?

Yeah, it really has been draining, that’s the word. And you’re right, it’s not my job to mother anyone, though I think I fell into that role gradually without realising it. I didn’t say it that bluntly in her review but I did raise serious concerns and suggested she seek professional help.

The emotional toll this is taking is becoming unsustainable and I agree that clearer boundaries and a more direct approach are overdue. I just hate the idea of kicking someone while they’re down but I’m starting to see that enabling this isn’t helping either of us.

This really is excellent advice!

I agree, there comes a point where kindness isn’t enough and structural steps need to be taken. I’ve flagged the situation multiple times but I think it’s time to be more direct with SLT and formally recommend capability. It’s been emotionally exhausting and I genuinely don’t think I can continue mentoring her into the next academic year. Like you said, there’s no shame in realising a role isn’t the right fit but the current dynamic isn’t sustainable for either of us.

I am in the same position as you OP.
I work in a school and my line manager cannot cope.
SLT aware and do nothing.
All swept under the carpet and I am left to it even though I have told them her behaviour is having a deterimental affect on me.
It's so draining that I have decided to leave and have got myself a new job.
Got to the point where (and still is) affecting my sleep and my sanity.

Only you can improve the situation. It has taken me a long time to realise this. I thought my telling those above me there would be help especially as they know the score. Nothing. They know why I am leaving and are struggling to even make eye contact with me. My line manager is so protected yet I am clearly not.
Easy for others to pretend it's not happening
I feel for you.

That’s really interesting and sounds like a brilliant initiative. I work in a trust but I’m not sure if we have anything like that in place. I’ve been raising concerns for a while and trying to support her within my capacity but something like external coaching focused on resilience might actually be the kind of intervention that helps without putting the full weight on internal staff. I’ll definitely look into whether this could be an option - thanks for sharing.

This sounds exhausting but also like you have been far too nice. You do need to start reinstating boundaries. Stick to practical responses. "I can see you are distressed, do you feel able to go back to your lesson or do you need to go home sick?" Essentially, she either gets on with it or goes home and then staff absence protocols ought to do the job for you.

If she tries to drain you by going on about her mental health then say "I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed, have you sought help from your gp with this? I'm not really qualified to help with this, I can offer practical support and guidance on workload, and classroom management but if you feel your mental health is not coping you need to get help from your gp. Once you have a diagnosis from them you can contact occupational health who should be able to come up with practical suggestions we can put in place.

She's an adult and needs to manage this herself.

By manage her out you mean systematically bully her until she leaves. I’ve seen it done, it’s really nasty. Especially when the person you’re doing it too already has serious mental health problems.

OP you need to talk to your line manager and make it clear how big a problem this is. Can she be signed off sick for now if she’s not coping? If you’re in the UK then it’s not long till the end of the school year anyway so at least you’d get a break from her, and then a bit break from school too. And she’ll have a break which should improve things for her too.

I'm a teacher and have been a HOD so understand the situation you're in.

The way to get SLT attention with issues like this is to say the magic word 'safeguarding'. Once that gets dropped into conversation, I find the wheels start moving.

I had a colleague like this in a previous school whom I line managed and their precarious mental health was as draining as you describe. I did everything I could, but the reality was they just lacked the mental resilience to cope with what is a very challenging and demanding profession. I got no real support either until I realised I had to stop enabling the behaviour through my desire to not throw them under the bus, and went to my HT and said they are not safe to be in front of students, they burst into tears and cause the students distress, and I can't trust them to make decisions in the best interests of the children when under pressure. I told them they had to put them on a support plan and one of SLT needed to manage the process because I couldn't do it anymore. Once I had laid it out to them in terms of the issues it was causing with the children (I also mentioned I was concerned about potential complaints from parents) then they had to take action. While they thought it was just affecting me - of course, they didn't care.

Many people in school management - in my experience of several schools over a 15 year career - have poor people skills and baulk at having to deal with tricky personnel issues. They want to push it down to HODs or other line managers but the reality is, when you've got one extra free period a week to try and do all the admin to run a department, you don't have time to be doing endless 1-1s and supporting failing teachers.

If you don't get anywhere once you start mentioning safeguarding, I would make it very clear to them that the situation is so untenable that you are considering leaving as a result of it. So they either sort it out, or you are going.

You have missed the resignation date now unfortunately - you'll have to wait until October half term to leave, unless you can negotiate an early release.

I've read all the OP's posts and she hasn't quoted anyone talking about occupational health, so I apologise if it's agreement mentioned.

Given the effect this is having on her performance and her apparent refusal to go to her GP, can the OP/SLT refer her for an occupational health assessment? If she refuses, then she can be put on a pathway for incapacity to work.

I hope the OP gets the support she needs.

Yes, I’ve raised this with my line manager a few times but I think I need to be more direct now about just how much it’s impacting me. You’re right, with the end of term approaching, a break could give everyone some breathing space, including her. I hadn’t considered the idea of her being signed off but it might be the healthiest option at this point if she’s really not coping.

I just hate the idea of kicking someone while they’re down,

It is not letting them down it is just they are not listening to what you are saying if it is happening on a daily basis.

Time for some very firm words with the person involved and your HR as I doubt you are trained to the level they seem to need or have the time to do it.

How is her actual performance as a Teacher? If she can't do the job she needs to be put on a performance plan and if she doesn't improve it's time for her to go.

You have already told her that you can only talk employment with her. You need to put your hand up when she strays, redirect her and leave.

Follow up with email,
Dear blah,
To follow from our meeting earlier today, you needed to talk about X,Y and i suggested you contact Wellbeing as those topics are not within my qualifications/training/job.
I’m available to talk about employment related topics,
X

It will be like training your dog. Firm voice, consistency & no attention for bad behavior and praise for good behavior.

That’s part of the issue - her performance is inconsistent. Some days she manages fine but others she’s visibly overwhelmed or emotionally fragile, which affects her ability to lead the classroom confidently. I’ve raised it but the school has been hesitant to escalate things formally. At this point though, I agree: if someone can’t meet the core expectations of the role, there has to be a structured plan - both for their sake and everyone else’s.