To accept a job at another school because a teacher I line manage is so emotionally fragile that I can’t take it anymore?

[HonestTealPoster]

She breaks down on me regularly - crying, panicking, overwhelmed almost every day. I’ve tried to support her as best I can but it’s become emotionally draining and has started affecting my own wellbeing.

I feel guilty for even saying this but I don’t think I can be around it much longer - I’m not a counsellor and the weight of it is starting to make me dread coming in. A new opportunity has come up at another school and I’m tempted to take it just for peace of mind.

AIBU to consider leaving because of this?

Is there any actual down side to leaving? Bigger commute? Worse prospects for promotion / trickier cohort?

Because (and I’m not a teacher but have worked as a senior non-teacher in a school) it seems to me that this situation will not change and you’ve been given an out.

Once you’ve got your feet under the table you can share with a staff member who would be involved in staffing decisions a sanitised version of this - just enough to raise a small alarm bell if this woman decided to apply for a job at your new school.

Not teaching but I’ve been in a similar situation recently and had to make ot very explicit to the SLT that I was actively looking for other jobs and why. Up to that point very little had been done about my Colleague’s behaviour. Once I made it clear it clear that this is why I would probably be leaving they finally took some action. Risky I know but by that point I didn’t care.

This is just her reality and her nature. She has firced you into a position of codependency with her—she probably has this relationship with ithers as well. She uses you to vent/collapse/panic with but she is not in any kind of realistic pathway to independence and functionality. She is using you as a crutch so not developing those skills.

Stop letting her cry on you. You have signposted her enough. If she fails—she fails. Maybe she shouldn’t be a teacher.

Oh Lord, we had this too.
"Poor Debs" was what everyone referred to her as (including her patients!).
The moaning was constant, all of the team would dedicate lunch breaks to supporting her through issues such as the death of her hamster, an argument with a friend , a celeb dying.
When her line manager just couldn't cope any more and tried to encourage more professionality poor Debs went to HR and said she was being bullied.

Be careful OP. Protect yourself and get HR and SLT involved before she does.

I agree with this.
Be very careful as she could go to her union and make you out to be the bad guy.
I have seen similar in schools. Every time she comes to you as her line manager and presumably her performance manager too - you need to log and document this.

Additionally I would go as far as to suggest you contact your own union and explain everything and see what they advise.
Just to cover your own back as SLT will probably deny you ever said anything.

Although if you don’t want to do this then Op - I suggest you leave, regardless of your colleague, you have stated you have told SLT numerous times & they have done nothing.

That’s one of the frustrations - I’ve signposted her to the GP, our school wellbeing support, and even encouraged her to take time off if needed. But as far as I know, she hasn’t followed through on any of it.

She tends to say “I’ll be fine” and then repeats the same emotional spiral the next day. It’s exhausting to be caught in that loop when I have a full team and timetable to manage.

First of all check your local authority resignation policy. I think most at this point wouldn’t let you move schools until Xmas.

Secondly, what is it that she is struggling with that makes her cry? Have you escalated this to wider SLT? Is there extra support in place, does she need referral to OT, the recommendation to have a little while off? Sounds like she’s hit burnout.

Sorry I’m not being sympathetic to your plight OP, I’m also an EYFS lead, but have you tried any of these options to help her?

The commute and pay would be about the same and while the promotion prospects aren’t necessarily better, the overall setup seems more stable. You’re right, the current situation is unlikely to improve and I hadn’t thought about the option to subtly flag things later if needed. That helps me feel less stuck.

I would encourage you to think about the worst possible outcome and expressing your concerns to your Head, The Chair of Governor's and your Union.

It is clear that your colleague is in crisis. (How deep a crisis, I don't think you can gauge.)

I have just extricated myself from 26 years of teaching and during my career, I have been touched by 7 suicides. (1 family member, 2 friends and 4 colleagues.)

The four colleagues were ALL teachers.

Teaching has become INCREDIBLY TOXIC and I'm not sure that SLT actually care anymore about what is happening to the vast majority of classroom teachers.

First thing I would do is take tomorrow off. There is NOTHING that is more important than your own mental heath. Don't just struggle on until the end of term. The system is broken. It will only be fixed if you show that it is broken.

Secondly, I would send an e-mail to EVERYONE who you think might listen. SLT, HR, Governors, Union etc. EVERYONE needs to know how concerned you are for your colleague. Be REALLY explicit. You could save a life.

There will be people on this forum who will say... "No-one has mentioned suicide" "surely its not that bad" "You just need to get to the end of term and have a nice break" BUT I would guess that this situation isn't going to be resolved with a week away in Majorca.

One of the schools I know is currently having to give evidence in a suicide inquest. Witnesses are being called, paperwork checked and arses are being covered and scapegoats found.

Be brave and step up. Don't let it be too late.

You've said this has been since the beginning of term, so May basically. I was expecting you to say it had been years, not 2 months. If everything else is fine in school, then maybe see how things are in September after she has 6 weeks off.

This sounds awful. Is there anyone else who can line manage her?

I would definitely not say anything to her about professionalism, but instead have a meeting with slt and explain the impact she is having on your own mental health.

I would seriously encourage you to go to a gp yourself and explain the stress this is causing you and ask to be signed off.

SLT need to get a grip on this, and you going off sick because of it might give them the kick up the backside they need?

Yes, I’ve escalated it to SLT and flagged that I believe she may be experiencing burnout. I’ve suggested accessing the school’s wellbeing support and encouraged her to speak to her GP, but at the moment, she hasn’t taken any formal steps.

I’ve done what I can within my remit but I’m not in a position to refer her directly or enforce time off. It’s hard because I do sympathise but the emotional intensity has become constant and is really affecting my ability to do my job.

I’ll check my resignation policy - thank you for flagging that. I’m still weighing things up but it’s reached a point where I feel torn between compassion and protecting my own wellbeing.

That’s not how Employment Law works

Just say next time she opens her mouth ‘I’m not the person to be telling this to, I have to review your performance’ then shut up.

If she tries again, widen your eyes and leave the room. You have to toughen up here and don’t give her an inch.

She will find someone else to whinge to, just put up a firm firm line and cut her off.
you have done everything right regarding recommending she visits her GP etc, now write it all down and cut her off immediately.

You were too nice to her.

Can you just be less nice to her?
‘you’re crying again Debbie. You need to go home’ and walk away.
‘Debbie I’ve tried to help you but you won’t help yourself’ and walk away
‘Debbie I’ve too much work on to listen to this’ and walk away.
If you’re less nice and not a kind welcoming ear she’s less likely to hassle you

Agree with what some of the others have said, you need to set boundaries. Like you've already pointed out, you're not her therapist, you're her line manager and whilst you have an interest in her wellbeing at work, it's not your sole responsibility. She needs to take some ownership for her own mental health, other people can't fix it for her.

Envisage leaving the stress of her issues at work as you walk out the door. If she has any contact with you outside of work, make sure she can't any more, block her number. Protect your own time, and prioritise your own needs in and out of work before you offer her any of your headspace. It might be that you have to say something along the lines of " my job is to support you to be able to do your job as effectively as possible, but I feel you need professional mental health input for these issues you are bringing to line management. It wouldn't be professional for me to try and support you with that as I don't have the relevant training to be able to do so, from now on you'll need to approach xyz with these issues."

You're likely to encounter people like this at other workplaces so I wouldn't necessarily think moving will be a solve all. Maybe you could seek your own therapy for help with setting boundaries at work yourself.

The problem here is sometimes SLT ignore things they don't view as major issues. I'm sure if you express how bad it is that you are seeking alternative positions you might find they start listening

Thanks, I really appreciate the solidarity, it has felt like a lot to carry alone. I’ve already raised it with SLT, including the impact on my own wellbeing and I’m hoping they take it seriously now. It’s reassuring to hear you’d avoid putting it back on me to fix, that’s how it’s felt at times.

I’ve been keeping track of things and if it doesn’t improve soon, I’ll consider seeing my GP or formally stepping back. It’s not a role I can sustainably keep doing like this, especially without meaningful support from above.

I had this, but basically a new friend

I became her emotional punchbag, I tried everything I could to help, but the reality was she just needed to go back from where they’d moved from

When it started to affect my own mental health, and I stopped going to the things that she joined as well just to avoid her I knew the friendship needed to end. But I had that luxury

I would suggest you put your own mental health first but make it totally clear to the leadership team why it is your resigning.

In the last ten years there has been a clear shift in how people view professionalism at work. Many now think it is fine to bring personal struggles into the workplace and share them openly. The team I work in there is a lady who is almost uses the rest of us as a counselling service for her issues. It is so negative that it affects lmorale and affects how the team functions. Support and compassion are important, but they do not replace the need for structure and leadership. In this case she does need care, but it is also clear that someone else needs to manage her going forward.

She will turn on you also and blame you for upsetting her, so be very clear ‘I can’t have these conversations anymore, I am reviewing your performance’ and don’t give her anything.

@HonestTealPoster IF (🤞🏻🤞🏻) you do this, make sure you have an independent witness in with you, either your line manager or a member of SLT or the head teachers secretary to make notes / support you.

She needs to seek professional help (go or counselling), refer her to OH, let her know coming to you needs to stop if it is emotional support etc, only if it is a day to day issue. Make notes yourself of the conversation, ask her to repeat back what was agreed or finalised. Arrange a follow up meeting a couple of weeks later.

Email her, copy in your LM and SLT and the Head to confirm what was said. Then tell your line manager / SLT that due to the lack of support, having raised this issue a number of times and getting no support from them, you will be be following your gps advice to take time off due to stress and depression and will be asking for a referral to OH for yourself.

Good luck

Get HR on the case and suggest send her home next time it happens, time for pussy footing is over.

are you aware of any effect it is having on the children? cos they have probably picked up on it already if she "on the edge" every day.

Think she should be seeking a different job not you.

I get where you’re coming from and trust me, I’ve considered stepping back from being the “nice ear.” But there’s a fine line between setting boundaries and being seen as dismissive, especially in a school environment where pastoral care is expected. I’m trying to find that balance between protecting my own energy and not completely shutting someone down who’s clearly struggling.

That said, I have started limiting how much time I give to emotional conversations and redirecting her to proper support routes. But it’s been a slow shift and I guess part of me still feels guilty.

You need to open this out (I’ve been in your position as a teacher/ mentor). You insist a member of SMT be in your next meeting - either she will unload and they will see the issue or she won’t and you will realise she is manipulating you.

You refuse the ‘informal’ chats - things can only be discussed with the confines of a scheduled feedback session. At that time a third person will be there and strategies will be minuted, shared formally with her and revisited at the next session.

This has become too personal and focused on you. Another strategy is to refuse to offer advice, but to ask her how she would/ could solve the issue. In mentor sessions the proportion of chat should be 80% mentee/ 20% mentor. She needs to reflect and learn to self solve.

Get more people involved. Personally I would never leave a job where I am happy because of someone else - who knows what lies ahead in the unknown job? But if you’re considering it, maybe you are ready to move anyway even if this situation can be solved?

And finally compassion can mean being tough sometimes.