frustrated with my dd’s immaturity

[SharpDeer]

AIBU to think my 23yo DD is totally irresponsible?
Hi all, long-time reader but first time posting. I’m at my wits’ end with my DD (23, 24 in August) and honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

She seems so immature for her age. From the outside, she’s intelligent, got great grades, doesn’t drink or smoke unlike pretty much all of her uni classmates, and has just started her first job. But she has no routine, no discipline, and frankly no common sense. Her eating habits are atrocious, no real meals, just croissants, cookies, bread, more bread, sometimes with hot dogs or processed cheese. I have seen her eat just a cookie for dinner, or skip eating for an entire day as well. If she goes shopping, she just buys different varieties of bread and snacks. She claims she “hates” red meat and won’t touch seafood unless it’s sushi. Due to this, she had chronically very low iron and won’t even try to fix it. We’ve always had healthy meals at home – salmon, roast chicken, veg, proper breakfasts – but she just won’t eat properly. This happened when she went abroad for her last year of uni, and I found out she’d sometimes go weekends without food (the shop was closed) or survive off a pack of croissants for a week. She’s moving back home for the job, and yet she still continues. She begs DH to buy her snacks or sneaks food deliveries to hide from me (a favorite pastime of her and DS (20)). I overhear them often having long conversations of the types of snacks they dream to eat or list of foods to eat when they can have the money to.

I’ve tried talking to her hundreds of times but she accuses me of “nagging” and runs to my DH (her stepdad), who always takes her side. She and her younger brother even seem to treat hiding snacks from me as some kind of joke. They sneak food deliveries when I’m not home to stash them for later, beg relatives for junk, I think that it’s ridiculous.

She’s also put on about 15kg in the last couple of years, and I’m genuinely concerned for her health – but of course that is apparently me being judgmental too. I worry this will impact her confidence and chances in life. She made some terrible choices at uni (chasing a guy who clearly wasn’t interested, losing sleep over him, skipping classes, cooking for him at his house when he was drunk, competing with a whole bunch of other girls, it was so much drama) and doesn’t seem to learn from her mistakes. I know that a lot of people make bad choices at uni, like her classmates partying and being found passed out in all sorts of places, which she has never done, but I still expected a lot better from her.

She has a small income now plus money from her bio dad, which he occasionally sends, so I can’t control her spending. It all seems to be used up on food or unnecessary makeup, perfume and clothes purchases (she has hundreds of each, there is pretty much no space left in her room). Worse, her new job gives her daily meal vouchers and I just know that’s all going to be going straight to pastries and sandwiches.

DH thinks I should back off since she’s moving home and we should get along, but I’m always the “bad guy” while he plays the fun parent. Even though he is her stepdad, they have a great relationship, and she obviously gets with him a lot better than me. She keeps saying her friends’ mums are more relaxed but I can’t help worrying, especially when she eats a cookie for dinner and calls it a day.

AIBU to think I should be stepping in and trying to sort her out, or is DH right and I need to let her figure it out herself (even if that means watching her completely ruin her health)? I feel like I’ve failed somewhere.

I think she's got mental health issues, at best shes terribly immature. Going without food because the shops were closed isn't normal. How do you know she's gone days without eating? The whole situation sounds really fucking weird.

What makes you think she has mental health issues? I genuinely don't see it.

Students are known for their weird eating habits and eating patterns. I ate the weirdest things at the weirdest times as a student/young adult, as did pretty much everyone else I know. We're all very normal in our thirties!

If you follow the advice on here this should be a great relief and release for you OP. Perhaps if you do the cooking step back from that and let the other adults take over. And if you don't now concern yourself with anyone else's health - well - you're a free agent soooooooo what are you going to do with all that extra time and mind space... get planning

Very strange - I'm an oldie and people are doing things in their twenties that I did at school and late teens

She's not a student, she's almost 24 and has a job!

My point still stands - she's a young adult with eating patterns that aren't massively out of the ordinary for her stage of life.

Lots of posters on here have described eating similar diets at that age - I know I did, even though I had my own place and yes, a job. I still ate at bizarre times, skipped meals and ate weird mixtures of food - partially out of laziness, partially because I could, and partially to save money.

You still haven't said why you think she has mental health issues.

Sounds like a fairly normal 23yo with no real responsibilities just spreading her wings and having fun. Were you a "snack" family growing up? Or just 3 square meals and nothing in-between?
I was in the latter growing up, and once I was away from the family home, definitely spent the first few years of independent adult living just eating shit. My idea of dinner for the first couple of years would be 2 chicken kievs. Or 10 chicken nuggets with ketchup. Vegetables? Didn't know them. But I grew up.

I understand your upset, but you kind of need to get this one go.

I eat healthy. My own DS is very overweight and only one year older than OP's DD. I've seen how in our family people have developed atherosclerosis. So yes I didn't sit quietly. I told DS that he's overweight and that if he continues on this path he'll have numerous health issues.

He eats whatever I make at home and makes sure to snack a lot less. He exercises a lot more now because I've constantly told him that his needs to take better care of his health. DH agrees with me as well.

Also yes OP your DD was a bit silly chasing after a guy that clearly wasn't interested. I agree with you there as well.

I think that you are getting a hard time. Feeding our children is a primal instinct, totally natural to want to feed your offspring- regardless of age!

Purposely back off, keep healthy food handy/snacksble and include them in meal times/leave theirs to reheat. Maybe batch cook some food, impulse control is weak, so microwaving a fave left over dish could appeal. Then enjoy the peace/no conflict

Well if I was in your son’s shoes I would move out. You sound very controlling. It’s no wonder so many young adults struggle with making decisions and standing on their own two feet if they have parents trying to control them to this extent into their twenties.

He's perfectly happy at home with us. Gives me and DH a big hug everyday.

Because of my "nagging" he had a realisation that he needs to eat more healthy and be more active. I've told him that if he wants a girlfriend he'll need to lose some weight. He had a wake up call and exercises at least once a week now. I want him to do some more but I'm happy with the start he's made.

He's tracking his calories now and making sure to have healthy eating habits. He eats what I make at home. And when he dines out with his friends he's conscious about what he eats. He still enjoys food outside but makes sure he's not stuffing himself and controls his portions.

So you basically told him that his value to a woman is in how good a body he has, and that no one will value him for his kindness, intellect, sense of humour, or the millions of things that attract people to other people, unless he is also thin? Great.

It sounds like he’s just a project to his mother, and she sees his worth as being tied to his weight which is awful.

I've told him all that other stuff matters. He's a very kind boy and very smart. But I've told him that as well as all that, he needs to look good. He doesn't need to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. I just want his weight to be healthy. And because of my insistence. He's taking steps towards that

His worth isn't just his weight. Growing up I particularly empathised hard work and education.

His weight is unhealthy. He had a wake up call when we went for a full body checkup and he saw that his BMI was "pre-obesity" and that he had a high fat content.

Doctors told him that it's not the end of the world but that he needs to exercise more and that he should change his diet.

Why does he “need” to look good?

I think it a red flag that your children have to be sneaky about their food intake. I think it very telling that your husband sides with your children. Maybe your daughter has issues with food due to you being controlling and fixated on what she eats.

Obviously I want DS to find a girl. The main thing I want is for him to be healthy.

And you feel a girl won’t appreciate him unless he’s thin and has a good body? What a narrow view of women you have. You desperately need to branch out a bit and realise not all women are that shallow and we aren’t all looking for the same thing - people are attracted to all different body types. Your poor son is going to end up with severe self esteem issues!

I'm wondering what you controlled as when they were children. You are driving a wedge between you.
Nothing you say about her Uni life is unusual....I'm surprised you know so much about it as you seem overly critical.

Wow...

I understand as a Mum how concerned you are about your daughter's eating habits and the weight she has gained. By all accounts it's not unusual for uni students to develop unhealthy eating patterns and gain weight, due to eating junk, during their time at uni. Your daughter is nearly 24, and an adult, no her eating habits aren't healthy and obviously gaining weight isn't going to do her long-term health any good. However, you can't control her eating habits, but you can control how you react to it. You've spoken to her, she's not listening, and the more you go on about it all, the more she's going to dig her heels in. Your husband is correct, you need to completely back off, and let her get on with it. If she wastes all her money on junk food, perfume, clothes and makeup, there's zero you can do about it. We all mature at different rates, and yes perhaps your daughter is more immature than her peers, but she will do this in her own time. Give her responsibilities at home - doing her own laundry, keeping her room clean/tidy etc. Remember that she's still young, she's going to make mistakes in life, especially where men are concerned.

I feel it would be more difficult if it was unhealthily overweight. Everyone cares about looks to some extent. This is such a side point anyway. The main thing is that I want DS to be healthy!

You really have his entire life planned out don’t you? Why do you “obviously” want him to find a girl? Why is that obvious? And what if he does and she’s overweight? Will you start making comments about her weight too?

And mental health is just as important as physical health by the way, and all your comments about weight, stuffing his face, being “unhealthy”, needing to be thin in order to be attractive etc etc will be affecting him.

I agree with PP’s that you should ask yourself why both of your children sneak food into the house. That’s not normal, it suggests that you’re overly strict around food choices.

Your DD is moving home and starting a new job, both of which are big life changes. Let her settle into her new career, keep serving up healthy meals at home (assuming that she plans to eat with you) and let her get on with her life. I suspect that she’ll start losing the extra weight as she’ll be in a routine.