frustrated with my dd’s immaturity

[SharpDeer]

AIBU to think my 23yo DD is totally irresponsible?
Hi all, long-time reader but first time posting. I’m at my wits’ end with my DD (23, 24 in August) and honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

She seems so immature for her age. From the outside, she’s intelligent, got great grades, doesn’t drink or smoke unlike pretty much all of her uni classmates, and has just started her first job. But she has no routine, no discipline, and frankly no common sense. Her eating habits are atrocious, no real meals, just croissants, cookies, bread, more bread, sometimes with hot dogs or processed cheese. I have seen her eat just a cookie for dinner, or skip eating for an entire day as well. If she goes shopping, she just buys different varieties of bread and snacks. She claims she “hates” red meat and won’t touch seafood unless it’s sushi. Due to this, she had chronically very low iron and won’t even try to fix it. We’ve always had healthy meals at home – salmon, roast chicken, veg, proper breakfasts – but she just won’t eat properly. This happened when she went abroad for her last year of uni, and I found out she’d sometimes go weekends without food (the shop was closed) or survive off a pack of croissants for a week. She’s moving back home for the job, and yet she still continues. She begs DH to buy her snacks or sneaks food deliveries to hide from me (a favorite pastime of her and DS (20)). I overhear them often having long conversations of the types of snacks they dream to eat or list of foods to eat when they can have the money to.

I’ve tried talking to her hundreds of times but she accuses me of “nagging” and runs to my DH (her stepdad), who always takes her side. She and her younger brother even seem to treat hiding snacks from me as some kind of joke. They sneak food deliveries when I’m not home to stash them for later, beg relatives for junk, I think that it’s ridiculous.

She’s also put on about 15kg in the last couple of years, and I’m genuinely concerned for her health – but of course that is apparently me being judgmental too. I worry this will impact her confidence and chances in life. She made some terrible choices at uni (chasing a guy who clearly wasn’t interested, losing sleep over him, skipping classes, cooking for him at his house when he was drunk, competing with a whole bunch of other girls, it was so much drama) and doesn’t seem to learn from her mistakes. I know that a lot of people make bad choices at uni, like her classmates partying and being found passed out in all sorts of places, which she has never done, but I still expected a lot better from her.

She has a small income now plus money from her bio dad, which he occasionally sends, so I can’t control her spending. It all seems to be used up on food or unnecessary makeup, perfume and clothes purchases (she has hundreds of each, there is pretty much no space left in her room). Worse, her new job gives her daily meal vouchers and I just know that’s all going to be going straight to pastries and sandwiches.

DH thinks I should back off since she’s moving home and we should get along, but I’m always the “bad guy” while he plays the fun parent. Even though he is her stepdad, they have a great relationship, and she obviously gets with him a lot better than me. She keeps saying her friends’ mums are more relaxed but I can’t help worrying, especially when she eats a cookie for dinner and calls it a day.

AIBU to think I should be stepping in and trying to sort her out, or is DH right and I need to let her figure it out herself (even if that means watching her completely ruin her health)? I feel like I’ve failed somewhere.

I think you've been given a hard time here OP - it's natural to care about your DD and want her to be healthy and making good choices and we don't stop caring once our kids turn 18! It sounds like you've got into a dynamic of going in a loop - you being critical (in her eyes) and her being defiant and roping in DH and DS to collude with her.

Ask yourself, is this working for you? Or is it just pushing her to be deliberately provocative in her eating choices? If I were you I would stop commenting, advising, disapproving and ignore it. Make your own healthy meals and do your own exercise. You can't force your daughter to eat healthily and nagging isn't working. Don't buy unhealthy snacks and drinks so if she wants them she will have to buy them herself. Give yourself permission to drop the rope. It may take time but she's unlikely to eat like this forever.

Since the DD is living at home. Yes OP can. I don't subscribe at all to mantra that once they are 18 family rules no longer apply to them.

Anyway @SharpDeer I do agree with you. I wouldn't let my DC get health issues due to bad eating habits. I've seen relatives have health issues stemming from unhealthy eating and being overweight.

Rather than nagging her could you maybe offer treat days. Maybe Tuesday and Saturday. They are no bars out called skinny bars. They are 80 calories. I have a family member like your daughter and worry for their health so have introduced those bars and they are loving them. They also only get brown bread/brown wraps instead of white. I think with your daughter baby steps is the best way forward. Also talk to your husband calmly and try to explain your concerns.

How, exactly? Pin her down and force feed her? Take away her wages? Stop her from leaving the house alone?

You can't make an 18 year old eat anything they don't want to.

She is an adult ... she can eat what she decides to herself.

youve caused your child to have eating disorders - disorder eating - due to your controlling obsession! Seriously! Why do you think she’s put on 15kg??

No, OP can’t. She can choose which meals to prepare and serve, but she cannot dictate what a 23 year old actually consumes.

Well it sounds like pretty disordered eating to me, and I would find it hard to ignore, although I think you have to if it’s all her own money she’s wasting. Is she likely to be living with you long term? Any chance of separating out your cooking and eating arrangements to help you step back from that part of parenting?

You don’t seem to like her very much OP. You sound very controlling and critical. Why do her eating habits bother you so much? Why do you see them as a sign of immaturity?

You wouldn’t let your children get issues? And how exactly would you force feed an adult? Can you talk me through the steps?

This^. Both of your kids feel the need to sneak food, maybe it would be beneficial to consider why that is.

I haven't had a clue what my children eat since they left to go to university. We all have to learn and make our own way, you sound really controlling and uptight. She'll either come good or live on bread for life. She's for the important bits sussed.

uou sound very like my mother. I couldn’t wait to get away from her control. Predictably my weight yoyo’d for decades. It’s not so surprising that a few months after her funeral I started eating in a way that really makes me feel good, based very much on her approach.

I’ve also adopted her approach tp clothes household matters. I am sad that she never saw me fo it but I was not having her control.

don’t be like me.

"Sort her out" how, exactly? If you couldn't influence her to like real food between 0 and 18, what do you plan to do differently now?

What would you do if your 14 year old was stuffing themselves and becoming unhealthily overweight?

Parenting doesn't stop at 18. My own DS is on track to being very unhealthily overweight and after my intervention he had a realisation. He exercises and makes an effort to eat healthy.

Could she figure it out in a flat of her own?

Allowing her to move back home and scheme with her brother seems like a recipe for a conflagration that would outstrip the Gunpowder Plot, if it had been successful.

The real problem here is that you, DD, DS, and your H can't communicate openly and respectfully about this.

The manipulation of your H, the step-dad, is troubling.

You say your DD cooked for a loser boyfriend in an effort to win him over while at university - that is manipulative too, and apparently it was done in tbe teeth of competition from other young women for this prince among men. The takeaway here is thst she actually can cook, but chooses not to when she's not trying to impress someone.

The manipulation is a problem, and she apparently relished the drama around boys in university too.

There's a personality issue at play here, and unhealthy family relationship dynamics.

I'd be very inclined to kick out both DS and DD and let them fend for themselves. DD has a job so she can get herself a flat.

I’ve heard it said “nothing good happens before 25”.
Oh good, I will be sure to tell my 18 year old son that he was nothing good because I had him a couple of weeks after my 23rd birthday (yes, he was planned).
I am not sure when we started babying our adult children but in my opinion it needs to stop.
My mother wouldn't have known what I was eating at 23 as I had been living with my partner for about three years by then.

ADHD means you are low on dopamine and the sugar gives you a hit but if you have a diet of rubbish you will miss out on required vitamins and it will affect your mood and hormones (there is so much info about microbiome now).

See if she will try some online tests for adhd or autism to give you an idea. How was her father's eating/drinking habits.

Another good thing for you if you have adhd is exercise as the resulting hormones give you a 'hit'. She's missing out on that too, At the very least buy some multivitamins for her.

Seems to me eating too much is a real problem for some and leads to obesity - can't think that other posters think there is no issue. Not everyone has had an eating disorder.

Yeah you need to mind your own business. When I first lived independently my diet was horrific - but it was so liberating to be able to choose what I ate (I also had a very controlling/judgemental mother)
my eating habits didn’t improve until I was 30.
I also put on weight.

now at 43 I’m extremely fit and have a great diet with minimal junk and I’m sure your daughter will get there too!

does she pay rent for living in your home? If not I can see why this might irritate you if she’s spending money on food. If she is, you really do need to stop with the judgements.

I think the more you push she will push back. My mum never ate sweets etc and so as a teenager I bought lots of sweets the moment I could. It does sound odd they are sneaking food deliveries and don't feel they can do this with you there. I've always bought my DC white bread as they preferred it. At 21 they now prefer brown. No nagging . I would step back. Say your piece if you must but then say ok I've told you my opinion and I'm worried for your health but it's your choice so I'll leave you alone. No one likes being nagged.

You are probably the reason behind her disordered, binge eating tbh. She could do with some therapy to help her process the damage you have done to her.

Agree with this, one sweet on friday, no fizzy drinks EVER, there is reasonable choices for good health and then there are the others.
Peeps, your kids are going to do it all as they get older and go to other peoples homes.

The OP’s daughter is in her 20s. There is a big difference. Would you allow somebody else to control what you eat because I certainly wouldn’t.

So, again, how do you propose the OP forces her adult child to eat certain things, exactly?