frustrated with my dd’s immaturity

[SharpDeer]

AIBU to think my 23yo DD is totally irresponsible?
Hi all, long-time reader but first time posting. I’m at my wits’ end with my DD (23, 24 in August) and honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

She seems so immature for her age. From the outside, she’s intelligent, got great grades, doesn’t drink or smoke unlike pretty much all of her uni classmates, and has just started her first job. But she has no routine, no discipline, and frankly no common sense. Her eating habits are atrocious, no real meals, just croissants, cookies, bread, more bread, sometimes with hot dogs or processed cheese. I have seen her eat just a cookie for dinner, or skip eating for an entire day as well. If she goes shopping, she just buys different varieties of bread and snacks. She claims she “hates” red meat and won’t touch seafood unless it’s sushi. Due to this, she had chronically very low iron and won’t even try to fix it. We’ve always had healthy meals at home – salmon, roast chicken, veg, proper breakfasts – but she just won’t eat properly. This happened when she went abroad for her last year of uni, and I found out she’d sometimes go weekends without food (the shop was closed) or survive off a pack of croissants for a week. She’s moving back home for the job, and yet she still continues. She begs DH to buy her snacks or sneaks food deliveries to hide from me (a favorite pastime of her and DS (20)). I overhear them often having long conversations of the types of snacks they dream to eat or list of foods to eat when they can have the money to.

I’ve tried talking to her hundreds of times but she accuses me of “nagging” and runs to my DH (her stepdad), who always takes her side. She and her younger brother even seem to treat hiding snacks from me as some kind of joke. They sneak food deliveries when I’m not home to stash them for later, beg relatives for junk, I think that it’s ridiculous.

She’s also put on about 15kg in the last couple of years, and I’m genuinely concerned for her health – but of course that is apparently me being judgmental too. I worry this will impact her confidence and chances in life. She made some terrible choices at uni (chasing a guy who clearly wasn’t interested, losing sleep over him, skipping classes, cooking for him at his house when he was drunk, competing with a whole bunch of other girls, it was so much drama) and doesn’t seem to learn from her mistakes. I know that a lot of people make bad choices at uni, like her classmates partying and being found passed out in all sorts of places, which she has never done, but I still expected a lot better from her.

She has a small income now plus money from her bio dad, which he occasionally sends, so I can’t control her spending. It all seems to be used up on food or unnecessary makeup, perfume and clothes purchases (she has hundreds of each, there is pretty much no space left in her room). Worse, her new job gives her daily meal vouchers and I just know that’s all going to be going straight to pastries and sandwiches.

DH thinks I should back off since she’s moving home and we should get along, but I’m always the “bad guy” while he plays the fun parent. Even though he is her stepdad, they have a great relationship, and she obviously gets with him a lot better than me. She keeps saying her friends’ mums are more relaxed but I can’t help worrying, especially when she eats a cookie for dinner and calls it a day.

AIBU to think I should be stepping in and trying to sort her out, or is DH right and I need to let her figure it out herself (even if that means watching her completely ruin her health)? I feel like I’ve failed somewhere.

I lived on ginsters pasties, cider and cigarettes for about 5 years as a student.

Im now a very fit and healthy 41 year old. Leave her to it, she’ll get there on her own in time.

Your husband is right and you should back off. She needs to make her own decisions. The more you interfere the more difficult it will be for her to follow a proper diet. Leave her alone

I don’t think you will be alone here. Lots of young people seem to live for themselves and are lazy when it comes to food. But she is an adult, leave her now to make her own mistakes. Let her buy her own food if she is living with you now and ask her to leave the kitchen tidy. She will know she has put on weight, but one day she will hopefully feel motivated to get healthier. This is not your fault, but you are making yourself miserable. Live your own life and let her live hers. Good luck.

What about when your kids decide you aren't eating healthy?

Should they bully you?

She sounds normal and you sound unreasonably controlling towards another adult.

It isn't your concern how she eats. You have done all you can during the years you were parenting, now she gets to choose.

Just relax and try to respect her right to live her own life, before you ruin your relationship forever.

At her age you don’t have a say. Sounds like you did your best to instil healthy eating when she was growing up, but you cannot control what she eats as an adult. Your DH is right, unless you want constant arguments, back off. Seems crazy that adult DC are hiding food deliveries from you. I mean I wouldn’t be particularly happy about that, but wouldn’t stop it. Thankfully my adult DC prefer home cooked, or a meal out to a takeaway (though of course they do partake in the occasional junk food meal).

When you get controlling with food types- tends to trigger a desire for it.

There was research that looked at a condition that need heavy calories in kids in adult hood they tend to crave salads as they weren't allowed them as kids.

If she really low in Iron see if she will try some of the iron suppliment drinks otherwise I'd step right back and try not to notice her food intake - she an adult even if living at home - where she is eating some meals cooked for her.

Leave her be for GS! She’s young, she can eat what she wants! She’s an adult! My DD is 21 in a few months and she has an “ interesting” diet. She’s a student, I leave her alone.

Crikey, after a full day teaching ( even at the age of 30) all I wanted was a plate of fried eggs, beans, toast and a glass of wine!

To a point I get where you are coming from.

But she's 23. She's been in education from the age of 5 to 22. That's 17 years of being told what to do and when to do it. She went abroad and survived, she has a job and got good grades. Yes she's being daft.

But you sound very controlling and your kids clearly resent it and sneak food in....just ask yourself why they feel they have to sneak treats in.

Do you not cook for her? Leave healthy things around? I get she's an adult but why is buying her own food if she lives with you? Isn't it cheaper/easier to cook a family meal? So at least she has the option of something good.

Also, the “ terrible choices at uni” 🤣
I mean that all sounds normal to me? That’s what students do, right?

I understand why you are concerned, but your nagging will not make your DD eat more healthily, it will just drive a wedge between the two of you and very likely make her eating habits worse. Back off. Completely.

Once you’ve gone a good while with no negativity from you about what she eats you could try encouraging healthier eating by just making really tempting food that’s better for you. You mentioned she likes sushi so you could buy a rolling mat and some nori and have a go at making it yourself. Sushi is expensive so it’s easy to present it as a money saving plan rather than an eating healthily plan. If you can get her interested in cooking she’s more likely to eat healthy.

So dd is intelligent, doesn’t smoke or drink, cares for her pet, keeps her space clean (or she did when she had her studio) completed a degree and got herself an internship.
She also gets along with her brother.
honestly Op she sounds lovely and I think a few people on here would be happy to swap with you.

Back off from the nagging, nobody’s perfect. She will make her own way in life and you attempting to control her and make her perfect is highly likely to push her in the other direction.

Breathe, relax and try to build a relationship with the daughter you actually have rather than the one you want her to be.

Parenting doesn't stop at 18 but it changes and lessens considerably.
You never stop being a parent.
You never stop being concerned or caring about your kids no matter what the age.
But I for one wouldn't be telling my kids what I thought of their food choices either once they were 18. They don't suddenly become all wise and mature adults on their 18th birthday, but if parents have given them the basic skills and knowledge to make sensible choices as kids why would that suddenly all change.
You don't parent at 18 like you would a 5 year old, but be there for your kids with advice if asked for, support, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Why are your children having to sneak and hide food deliveries from you? Were you super controlling about food growing up and this is their rebellion? My friend who is now mid 30s had a Mum obsessive about food (no liquid except water ever, no “treats,” wasn’t allowed birthday cake or party bags). She put on two stone first year at uni because she went absolutely fucking nuts and ate everything once she was free. She had a baby last year and her Mum isn’t allowed to see her alone and never will be incase she communicates her odd food views.

What do you like about her, OP? Focus on those things. Let the rest go. She's an adult, she's not your project to fix.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum and by far and away the most damaging thing she has always done (and still does) is treat me like her permanent project, always in need of improvement. She can't spend any time with me without commenting on things I need to sort out or do better. Like your daughter I have a lot going for me but she doesn't acknowledge or engage with those things. There's always something I'm not doing well enough that she can raise instead.

The result is we have a very superficial relationship and I don't trust her when I need support or advice. I keep her at arms length and don't take anything she says to heart.

Your daughter's choices are hers to make. She's not a child. You need to focus on the things you like and love and let the rest go. She'll find her way. All you need to do is love her.

Sounds like she has an ED?

She's far too old for you to be still trying to parent her. Leave her alone to make her own mistakes.

No it doesn't 🤨

Reading the responses on this thread is just mental! Coming from a European country - that does NOT have a problem with obesity - this just makes it so obvious why so many people in the UK are obese and why it‘s a real problem in this country.

OF COURSE a mother needs to worry and has every right to intervene if their 23 year old daughter lives off junkfood and puts on 15kg in a couple of years? It’s insane to me how everyone here jumps straight to the conclusion of OP being controlling, and just leaving her DD to it! Ridiculous!

Ultimately the OP won’t be able to „control“ what her daughter eats, but as a mother she can bloody well try to stir her daughter in the right direction before it becomes a real health and weight problem. Her daughter is still young enough to avoid that.

When I was at uni I put on a fair amount of weight (albeit not 15kg). My parents commented. It stung and I hated them for it at the time, but it stayed in the back of my mind and I did become more mindful of watching what I eat and doing more sports. I‘m glad they pointed it out to me then!

YABU- what are you saying that makes them think they have to sneak food deliveries in? They are both fully grown adults. Do you have issues with food?

FWIW I found the jump from 23-27 huge. At your daughter’s age I was very similar, never ate meals. Ate a load of crap, as did all of my studenty friends at the time. Now I am very healthy, everything is home cooked and I eat my 10 a day.

She’s not immature you’re just over involved bordering on controlling.

I live alone and will occasionally just have crumpets and butter and jam for dinner. No kids at home to feed i can do what I like. Am I irresponsible?!

She's 23. Of course she is immature. Her brain is still developing. She shouldn't need to sneak food at her age. When I was at uni, I lived off of pasta and chicken dippers. I'm now 31 and eat a normal balanced diet.

Most people in their early 20's have had some kind of chaotic experience in love. It's part of growing up and learning how to be in a relationship and set boundaries. We've all done silly shit for love when we're young. And again it's pretty normal for young people to spend their money on clothes etc when living at home.

I was chaotic af at that age, and nearly 10 years later I've turned out to be a very normal adult with a stable job, marriage, and a child.

Your early 20's is for making mistakes and finding out who you are.

Does it?

She sounds like a pretty normal student to me. I ate all kinds of weird concoctions at that age and regularly skipped meals or just ate toast. I'm 36 now and eat pretty normally.

When kids have their food tightly controlled, and other "bad" food becomes off limits, the second they are out from under that control they will overindulge in that which was restricted.

As kids in my home, we were extremely poor so lived on bowls of baked beans, toast, pancakes etc whatever mum could pick up cheap. Never had take aways, never had a macdonalds, might have been lucky enough to get 20p of penny sweets every few months but that was it.

My sister then moved in with her fiance at 16yo (a whole other thread) and went mad. Sweets, cakes, takeaways, fizzy drinks. She want from a very underweight teenager to a morbidly obese adult within 8 years. Ended up with all sorts of health issues, one of which eventually led to her early death.

You've talked to your DD and given advice, but ultimately she is an adult and if she decides to eat this way there isn't much you can do. But making your kids hide the "bad" food I promise will only make their disordered eating worse..

YANU for being concerned about her food choices but YABU to think you have any control over her eating habits, she is a grown woman.