Fighting with spouse over child spacing and our marriage

[Mamnuni]

Please, I need objectivity and clarity.

Married 6 years, together for 10. I am mid 30's have a newly 2yr old daughter who isn't a chill baby. She is very hyperactive, requiring lots of hands-on interaction. Just to give an idea how full on she is, Nursery kicked her out as they could not cope with the demand on their strained resources 5 to 1 ratio. She is currently with a minder and is happy with one 2 one care as I work full time.

I had a difficult pregnancy, which has left me with some lasting disability with walking and gait. I have pain from this most days. I'm hoping it resolves at some point.

My husband travels for work and is around 10 days a month during term time and 8 to 9 weeks during summer months.

Since our daughter was born, my husband has been trying to convince or cagoule me into having the next child.I am open to another child and happy to start trying when our daughter is 3.

The issue here is that he does not like the time line I am proposing and thinks the spacing is too much. I honestly have nothing to give to another child now and with my bad leg, I worry that the next pregnancy will knock me out completely and it would be easier to manage a nearly 4 year old in his absence than a 2 or 3 year old. He has suggested moving to his work location so he could help more but I am reluctant to uproot my life here as there are no jobs for me where he is and we will loose 45 to 50% of our household income.

We have been fighting over this up to the point of being verbally abusive and not being nice to each other.

I have a low libido and frequency of intimacy has been a problem. The current situation has just made it worse and I am closing up even more. We havent been intimate in 6 months due to constant fighting over another child and horrible name calling on his end. We don't use protection condoms dont work for him. We use NFP.

Your husband is barely at home, you had a difficult pregnancy and a toddler so unruly she was kicked out of nursery. I think you should stick with one child. Your life will be even more difficult with two. Edited to add that there’s loads of different types of condoms so your husband is making excuses not to wear one. He wants to get you pregnant when you’re not ready to. The NFP method leads to a lot of pregnancies. Use condoms and the pill.

You have been left disabled, work hard at home and work, and he calls you horrible names? I wouldn't have another kid with him. You aren't a breeding mare to be forced.

You should like a great mom and person by the way, and very capable. He should be supportive and treating you well.

YANBU to not want another baby right now. With that in mind, why are you not on any contraception? If you definitely don’t want a baby right now you are in a position to prevent that! Are you tracking your ovulation or relying on your app to estimate?

Go and see a doctor and get a referral for your physical issues. Do not let them fob you off!
Second see if the doctor can refer you to a Paediatrician for your daughter - her behaviour is far beyond “usual” if a nursery has “kicked her out” (or that nursery is rubbish, although 1:5 sounds low staffing for that age group).
Get on better birth control if you are ever going to sleep with your husband again.
And maybe start looking for a good divorce lawyer.

Do not have another baby!

Oh sweetheart, do not have another baby with this man.

If he is so keen to have another baby he needs to move his work to fit around you, not the other way round.

FWIW I believe any age gap works, they are different but none are better or worse. I have some Chinese friends who have 15+ years between babies so they can really concentrate on raising each one. And only children have a lot of advantages that we forget in our biological drive to have more children.

If you are not already doing so, I would suggest physio for your leg.

I wouldn’t be having another baby with him at all with that attitude. Sorry but the person who will be doing the majority of the child rearing gets the say here, and that’s you. Tell him if he changes his job to be around more, then you might re-consider.

What do you mean, condoms don’t work for him? I guess it’s not a problem given you’re not having sex, but seems he doesn’t care if you get pregnant so you do need to be careful if you do plan to have sex anytime soon. Sounds like your marriage isn’t in a great place, name calling is never acceptable. Lack of sex also indicates a not so great relationship between the both of you. Maybe you need to reconsider your whole future, whether you want to stay with him, whether you want another child.. You are going to bear the brunt of it and sounds like your daughter requires a lot of 1-1 attention.

'Condoms don't work for him' Utter nonsense. He sounds dreadful. This is not a healthy situation to bring a new child into under any circumstances. You sound very unhappy and that isn't how marriage should be.

You need to get yourself on contraception. You then need to decide whether you want to stay with a men who verbally abuses you. You work full time already, have had lasting damage from a pregnancy, a child who is demanding and he wants to have another. He has no empathy or concern for you which to me means he has no love or respect for you. I could not live with someone like that. You would be doing yourself no favours in getting pregnant again in thos scenario.

Firstly sort out your contraception, secondly advocate for yourself at the doctors and thirdly speak to your gp about your child's behaviour.

Massive red flags here and his behaviour sounds a bit like reproductive coercion. Ultimately do you really want to bring another child into the world with someone that calls you names? Never mind the physical strain another pregnancy would place on your body. Don’t do it.

I dont see how you having another child helps the one you have or the next one surely it should be about them and not what the adults want?

I thought you were going to say that you wanted another baby but husband doesn’t and I was going to say, absolutely no way! But he wants another baby, even though he’s rarely around? Definitely not!!!
Don’t move either. He’s being a prick and if condoms ‘don’t work’ for him (in what way?) then I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either! He sounds awful.

Going against the grain.
Babies just don't always come to order. You are mid 30s, a third of women who start trying at 37 won't have a baby.

The bigger the age gap the harder it is to have them do things together. 4-5 years is quite a big gap.

Don't have another baby with him. You need to get a referral for you and your daughter for different reasons. Deal with what you have now. Kicking a child out of nursery is very usual unless it's an awful nursery at that age and you shouldn't be suffering still from the birth. He should be supporting you here

He sounds absolute horrible and, frankly, you need another child with him like you need a hole in the head. Why would you even contemplate such a thing?!

I think slightly bigger age gaps are actually healthier for children, though all tend to work out fine in their own way. However, this man sounds borderline abusive, I'm not sure age gap should even come into it.

He sounds charming, can't think why you wouldn't be jumping to get pregnant.

My first pregnancy was awful, I needed an op to fix some side effects at 3 months postpartum, then our little one didn't sleep for years. My husband was adamant we wouldn't have another because he couldn't watch me go through it again. Other friends/family have had similar experiences with their husbands. Life had other plans and thankfully the second pregnancy was much smoother but he was very protective and took on a lot of the load during pregnancy.

I would really think long and hard about whether an additional child would be a good idea for your family. You have a disability, your DC could have one and your DH works away most of the time. Unless you have additional family help or can afford to pay for more help I wouldn't do it.

You need to tell him that you are physically and mentally not ready for a child right now and when you are then you will discuss it.

But until then the discussion is off the table and if he continues to bring it up then you will have to consider a separation.

The fact that you’re arguing and name calling over this should be a massive red flag and you’re not in a healthy position to bring another child into it.

Tell him you are not ready and you need to both work on the relationship before you can even consider a second child.

Your husband doesn’t get a say when you carry a child or not. He is entitled to a discussion with you about it, but ultimately it’s your decision and you get final say. He can accept it or find another wife to be his childminder, cleaner and chef.

P.S I don’t think it’s normal that your daughter was ‘chucked out of nursery’ because they couldn’t meet her needs (unless there was something else unusual going on with the setting). There might be some additional needs at play there which should be considered for the future.

P.P.S Your husband sounds like a horrible man. Get contraception.

I’m not at all surprised you don’t want to have sex with someone whose attempts at control and coercion using emotional abuse have occurred over a 2 year period, despite you being disabled and despite doing the majority of care for your child. That doesn’t sound like someone most people would want near them, let alone would want to have a baby with them. When you challenge him on his disgusting his behaviour is what does he say?

This!!

This 💯
Tell him you'll consider it once he changes his job and gets another one closer to home and steps up massively with your DC. Spoiler alert, he won't. Do not have another child with this man, you will break.

Christ why doesn’t he just bind your feet so you really are tied to the house. What an arsehole

OP your husband is verbally abusive and rarely home. Are you sure you definitely want another child with him?

I wouldn't rely on NFP with someone who was desperate for me to get pregnant.

Your husband sounds awful and controlling. You absolutely must not have another child now.

Why can’t he use condoms? Only a very immature man would say something like “they don’t work for me”. Pathetic.

Another pregnancy could you leave you disabled and your DD sounds very high needs - totally wrong time for her to have a sibling.

Do you work? I’d seriously be considering my future with a man like that. Do not on any account move or move away from your friends and family.