Fighting with spouse over child spacing and our marriage

[Mamnuni]

Please, I need objectivity and clarity.

Married 6 years, together for 10. I am mid 30's have a newly 2yr old daughter who isn't a chill baby. She is very hyperactive, requiring lots of hands-on interaction. Just to give an idea how full on she is, Nursery kicked her out as they could not cope with the demand on their strained resources 5 to 1 ratio. She is currently with a minder and is happy with one 2 one care as I work full time.

I had a difficult pregnancy, which has left me with some lasting disability with walking and gait. I have pain from this most days. I'm hoping it resolves at some point.

My husband travels for work and is around 10 days a month during term time and 8 to 9 weeks during summer months.

Since our daughter was born, my husband has been trying to convince or cagoule me into having the next child.I am open to another child and happy to start trying when our daughter is 3.

The issue here is that he does not like the time line I am proposing and thinks the spacing is too much. I honestly have nothing to give to another child now and with my bad leg, I worry that the next pregnancy will knock me out completely and it would be easier to manage a nearly 4 year old in his absence than a 2 or 3 year old. He has suggested moving to his work location so he could help more but I am reluctant to uproot my life here as there are no jobs for me where he is and we will loose 45 to 50% of our household income.

We have been fighting over this up to the point of being verbally abusive and not being nice to each other.

I have a low libido and frequency of intimacy has been a problem. The current situation has just made it worse and I am closing up even more. We havent been intimate in 6 months due to constant fighting over another child and horrible name calling on his end. We don't use protection condoms dont work for him. We use NFP.

So she should have another baby regardless of the fact her DH is an arsehole?

I was getting physio and had assessment with various specialists. Nerves are damaged so physio can only help so much.

You're absolutely right OP. You need your child to be more independent and settled. You need to recover from your injury. Don't drop your income by moving closer to his work, you'll be over reliant on him making his contribution and his income due to a loss of your own.

Adding a pregnancy and new born into the scenario you describe is a recipe for disaster. Use contraception or you will end up in a situation you don't want to be in.

Of course YANBU. He wants everything to change for you, but little for him, for you to make all the sacrifices, for all the burden to fall on you. For you to give up your job and/or potentially exacerbate your disability. This isn't on. The fact he won't even take any responsibility for contraception despite your previous difficult pregnancy is beyond selfish. Tell him this. Don't let yourself be talked round. He is in the wrong on all of it.

Do you actually want another child op? I was left with disability after having my dd. I mourned the loss of not having more than one child and focused my attention on raising dd. I get that’s hard to do. I had to think of my dd’s well being before our desire for more kids, including dd, who very much wanted a sibling.

Thats up to her. She appears not to be ruling out another child, just wants to wait another year.

So depending on where she is in 'mid 30s' that may or may not happen. Yes millions of women successfully get pregnant in late 30s but remember there are also millions of women who try but are unsuccessful that you don't necessarily hear about, they aren't displaying their failure the way those who are successful display their sucess.

Your health was badly effected by your last pregnancy and your gait/walking is effected. Your daughter is a toddler and she may have some additional needs. You have currently waiting for an appointment to have her accessed. Along with this your working full-time.

Then he is working away from home and only around a few days each month.
How many days a month is he left with his daughter on his own?
The next time he is home I book a few days away with a friend and let him look after his daughter with no help. Let him see what she is like on a daily basis.

It's not just about him and what he wants. It not just about him getting sex and you having another baby. You realised that both physically and mentally your not ready to have another child. Your also considering the child you already have and there needs.
You need to get conception sorted out because another baby with this man in your current situation would be a bad idea. I would also go to a physio who specialises in your health issues and see what they can do to help you out. Certain exercises ect may help you.

The reality is that if he wants another baby he should be doing serious job hunting in your area. He should not be expecting you to move to him and give up your job, your income and possibly help from family and friends.

In your case if he keeps pushing for this I would seriously consider a divorce because I don't think long term staying with him and having another baby is a good idea.
I think another pregnancy could leave you with serious physical long term health issues and you don't want this.

If your daughter is on the spectrum, then could you cope with two young children who both have autism? You’ll be raising them mostly on your own. You need to stop having sex if you don’t want to get pregnant and neither of you want to use protection. NFP doesn’t work.

If you are being verbally abusive towards each other I have to wonder what kind of relationship you have? I also wonder on the effect this is having on your daughter.

If you are "verbally abusive" to each other, you shouldn't be having any more children together. Ever.

In your situation (health, relationship, partner prioritising working away over parenting and DC1 potentially having additional needs) it’d be unwise to ttc DC2, at all.

Would YOU have a baby with this man ? Talk about scraping the bottom on the barrel! He treats the OP like shit - read her posts.
Why would she want another one with him.

Ffs did you not read the post? Op has been left with a disability due to her last pregnancy and now her husband is pushing for another.

Christ sake- women aren't just baby machines you know

No I wouldn’t which is why I said she needs to decide if it’s what she wants. If it was me I wouldn’t be having another child even if her partner was perfect as I think she has a lot on her plate. But she is an adult and it’s her decision.