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Original poster

Fighting with spouse over child spacing and our marriage

89 replies

Mamnuni · 12/07/2025 05:57

Please, I need objectivity and clarity.

Married 6 years, together for 10. I am mid 30's have a newly 2yr old daughter who isn't a chill baby. She is very hyperactive, requiring lots of hands-on interaction. Just to give an idea how full on she is, Nursery kicked her out as they could not cope with the demand on their strained resources 5 to 1 ratio. She is currently with a minder and is happy with one 2 one care as I work full time.

I had a difficult pregnancy, which has left me with some lasting disability with walking and gait. I have pain from this most days. I'm hoping it resolves at some point.

My husband travels for work and is around 10 days a month during term time and 8 to 9 weeks during summer months.

Since our daughter was born, my husband has been trying to convince or cagoule me into having the next child.I am open to another child and happy to start trying when our daughter is 3.

The issue here is that he does not like the time line I am proposing and thinks the spacing is too much. I honestly have nothing to give to another child now and with my bad leg, I worry that the next pregnancy will knock me out completely and it would be easier to manage a nearly 4 year old in his absence than a 2 or 3 year old. He has suggested moving to his work location so he could help more but I am reluctant to uproot my life here as there are no jobs for me where he is and we will loose 45 to 50% of our household income.

We have been fighting over this up to the point of being verbally abusive and not being nice to each other.

I have a low libido and frequency of intimacy has been a problem. The current situation has just made it worse and I am closing up even more. We havent been intimate in 6 months due to constant fighting over another child and horrible name calling on his end. We don't use protection condoms dont work for him. We use NFP.

OP posts:
Thuraya17 · 12/07/2025 07:23

Mamnuni · 12/07/2025 05:57

Please, I need objectivity and clarity.

Married 6 years, together for 10. I am mid 30's have a newly 2yr old daughter who isn't a chill baby. She is very hyperactive, requiring lots of hands-on interaction. Just to give an idea how full on she is, Nursery kicked her out as they could not cope with the demand on their strained resources 5 to 1 ratio. She is currently with a minder and is happy with one 2 one care as I work full time.

I had a difficult pregnancy, which has left me with some lasting disability with walking and gait. I have pain from this most days. I'm hoping it resolves at some point.

My husband travels for work and is around 10 days a month during term time and 8 to 9 weeks during summer months.

Since our daughter was born, my husband has been trying to convince or cagoule me into having the next child.I am open to another child and happy to start trying when our daughter is 3.

The issue here is that he does not like the time line I am proposing and thinks the spacing is too much. I honestly have nothing to give to another child now and with my bad leg, I worry that the next pregnancy will knock me out completely and it would be easier to manage a nearly 4 year old in his absence than a 2 or 3 year old. He has suggested moving to his work location so he could help more but I am reluctant to uproot my life here as there are no jobs for me where he is and we will loose 45 to 50% of our household income.

We have been fighting over this up to the point of being verbally abusive and not being nice to each other.

I have a low libido and frequency of intimacy has been a problem. The current situation has just made it worse and I am closing up even more. We havent been intimate in 6 months due to constant fighting over another child and horrible name calling on his end. We don't use protection condoms dont work for him. We use NFP.

Your husband sounds diabolical. Sorry, but I’m shocked.

I have a just turned 2 year old, my husband travels a lot for work, we are both on the same page that we could not have another child right now even though I actually adore being a mother, I want to give each of my children my all for at least 3 years. I still have some tailbone pain from giving birth, I haven’t stopped breastfeeding completely (he still has milk for naptime and bedtime) AND my husband consistently tells me that I’m the best mum and loves to take our son out and do bath time and storytime etc.

I’m telling you this so that you can set the standard in your home. I wouldn’t even have a second child with a man who called me names. What a bad example for your children too! Don’t be coerced into bringing a child into the world that you have nothing to offer right now. Explain to your husband that you don’t want to have kids for yourself, you want to have kids that you have time to raise thoughtfully and with your full presence. Just because it’s trendy to have 2 under 2, doesn’t mean we should all be doing it.

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 12/07/2025 07:26

As others have said, I wouldn’t want to have another child with him at all. You’ve stated you want to wait another year which really isn’t long at all and he’s verbally abusing you, refusing to use condoms and trying to get you to move to where he works because it would make his life easier. The absolute nerve of him.

whynotmereally · 12/07/2025 07:27

He’s pressuring you to have another child when you are not physically or mentally ready. He refuses to use protection (if hormonal contraceptives don’t work for you get a coil or diaphragm) He calls you names.

He doesn’t sound like a nice person, why would you want another child with him at any point?

Needlenardlenoo · 12/07/2025 07:32

Do see if you can get a referral from the doctor but also call round some physios and see if you can find a women's health physio.

This might be a place to start if it's spd related?

www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/our-services/pelvic-health-physiotherapy

Pelvic health physiotherapy - Overview

We assess and treat people with pelvic floor dysfunction and  people with musculoskeletal pain in pregnancy.

https://www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/our-services/pelvic-health-physiotherapy

BeachPossum · 12/07/2025 07:34

Needspaceforlego · 12/07/2025 06:40

Going against the grain.
Babies just don't always come to order. You are mid 30s, a third of women who start trying at 37 won't have a baby.

The bigger the age gap the harder it is to have them do things together. 4-5 years is quite a big gap.

4 years is fine. Mine are 4 years apart and it works brilliantly, it's the perfect age gap imo.

And anyway - OP is trying to heal from a serious birth injury, with an incredibly high-needs toddler and an abusive husband. Age gaps are the least of her worries.

MrBallenIsaFittie · 12/07/2025 07:35

I would definitely be looking at more permanent types of contraception (coil,implant etc) and would probably be generously applying spermicide around the area just to make sure none of the little blighters make it!
I would also be taking my 2 year old for a check up with her GP, things usually have to be pretty out of control for a nursery to 'kick them out' (unless it is a particularly crap nursery?) Just remember that in 2 years or so she will be starting school and the care ratio is going to come as a shock to her if she can only function one to one.

Thatsalineallright · 12/07/2025 07:38

What do you mean that condoms don't work? How can they not work? If he's bigger or smaller than average, they still sell ones that fit.

Honestly this all sounds like a horrible environment to be raising your first child in. I wouldn't plan for a second until there's been a significant, long-term improvement.

Marriage counselling might be a start. But if he's abusive (not entirely clear from your OP, but the name calling and bullying don't sound good), then couples counselling isn't recommended.

ExpertArchFormat · 12/07/2025 07:39

I'm afraid I am having some difficulty understanding this, because the very moment a man expects his preferences to be considered as more important than a woman's autonomy, he stops being someone who anyone reasonable would want to be married to or to conceive children with. There is no reasonable basis for this to be an "argument" - he is wrong.

If you yourself @Mamnuni get to the point where you feel you have the physical health and emotional energy to conceive another child, then that is when he gets a vote, if your marriage survives that long. It wouldn't if it were me in your position.

Mauro711 · 12/07/2025 07:40

Wow, this is quite disturbing. He doesn’t view you as a human. To him you are just there to facilitate his wants. You have to give up work to come and live where he works. You have to forget about healing from your last physically damaging pregnancy and provide him with another baby when he thinks it’s time. You then have to look after a toddler and a baby whilst being in an even worse physical state because you weren’t allowed to get better and stronger until you had to pop the next one out.

He wants you poor, disabled and completely reliant on him. .

He is honestly completely vile and you need to get on some kind of contraception asap.

MySaintedAunt · 12/07/2025 07:41

Jesus Christ.
Your husband is trying to bully you into another pregnancy which could disable you. He's seen what the first pregancy has done, but what he wants is more important than your health. Just no. Stop having sex with him. You are not a brood mare.
I had 2 high risk pregnancies and births, and difficult recoveries. I would run like the bloody wind from any man who tried to force me to risk that again.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/07/2025 07:41

You need clarity Op so look at your DH, a man who loved his wife wouldn't bully her into having another DC.

Katemax82 · 12/07/2025 07:43

Stop with the nfp too as I used it now have my 4 months old son

Katemax82 · 12/07/2025 07:44

Daleksatemyshed · 12/07/2025 07:41

You need clarity Op so look at your DH, a man who loved his wife wouldn't bully her into having another DC.

my husbands friend who is a total cock did this

Channellingsophistication · 12/07/2025 07:47

Your husband does not sound like a good one. He is bullying you into having another baby despite the fact that he knows you have been disabled by the first pregnancy, are working full-time and he is away on business a lot! So it will all be down to you to do. He is calling you names when you arent doing as he wants - that is not what a loving husband does.

The thing I think you need to be thinking about is whether you want to stay in this marriage?

MyDeftDuck · 12/07/2025 07:48

From what you are describing I actually think your DD behaviour won’t necessarily improve as she gets older……..have you spoken to your GP or Health Visitor?
Was your DH totally oblivious during your pregnancy or has he got his head so far in the sand that he cannot see how you’re struggling now?
Having another child with this ‘caveman’ would be insane!

AgnesX · 12/07/2025 07:51

Why aren't you using contraception? You need to get your own sorted out before you get pregnant unintentionally and the decision becomes moot.

Stopbitingyourhands · 12/07/2025 07:52

I'd ditch the husband, he sounds like the root cause of many of your issues.

User050509 · 12/07/2025 07:53

I completely understand how your perspective becomes skewed when you live in a situation day to day (I’ve been there) but as someone who is removed from it, this is absolutely horrifying. Your “D”H really doesn’t give a about you does he? Plenty of women who are left with the challenges you face decide they don’t want another baby full stop. Tell your DH you are happy to have a baby on whatever timeline he likes if it’s his body that will be creating and birthing them and then taking care of them day and night. If not, he can fk off. It’s YOUR choice.

BabyCatFace · 12/07/2025 07:55

I was assuming it was going to be you who wanted another child now and was going to tell you that was a bad idea. He's being a total bully and an arsehole. I would seriously reconsider the idea of another child with him.

OlympicProcrastinator · 12/07/2025 07:57

Don’t have another baby with this man. Do you want another child to grow up thinking verbal abuse is normal and something to accept in their own relationship as reach adulthood?

Onthemaintrunkline · 12/07/2025 08:00

Stick to your guns, your husbands a fine one with his preferences - especially when he’s hardly ever around to lend a hand!

Chocja · 12/07/2025 08:09

Is he abusive in other ways?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

There is no way I would have a second child
in your situation. It sounds incredibly toxic and bringing a second child into this is just going to make it worse. I can’t imagine that he is suddenly going to stop the name calling if you were to get pregnant.

What exactly are you getting out of this marriage? Is it worth it and why are you putting up with him?

I'm not sure if my relationship is healthy - Women’s Aid

The Survivor’s Handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with simple guidance on every aspect of seeking support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

OrangeAndPistachio · 12/07/2025 08:24

I'll be blunt op. Your husband is a piece of shit. He refuses to use condoms and is trying to push his unwell wife into pregnancy. Not a good man.

Your child sounds like they may need some extra support. Please ask your gp for a referral to investigate this. The earlier you reach out the better , your child will benefit from this. It could be developmental , but let the experts decide. It's the right thing to do.

Good luck.

Original poster
Mamnuni · 12/07/2025 08:24

He can't finish with condoms, says he doesn't feel anything and honestly he gets limp with condom on.

I react negatively to most with birth controls.

My daughter is getting assessed and I am waiting on referrals for OT appointments

OP posts:
OrangeAndPistachio · 12/07/2025 08:27

I'm glad your daughter is being assessed op. You're a good mum.

I stand by my comments about your husband. I'm concerned that you think his behaviour is okay.