Fighting with spouse over child spacing and our marriage

[Mamnuni]

Please, I need objectivity and clarity.

Married 6 years, together for 10. I am mid 30's have a newly 2yr old daughter who isn't a chill baby. She is very hyperactive, requiring lots of hands-on interaction. Just to give an idea how full on she is, Nursery kicked her out as they could not cope with the demand on their strained resources 5 to 1 ratio. She is currently with a minder and is happy with one 2 one care as I work full time.

I had a difficult pregnancy, which has left me with some lasting disability with walking and gait. I have pain from this most days. I'm hoping it resolves at some point.

My husband travels for work and is around 10 days a month during term time and 8 to 9 weeks during summer months.

Since our daughter was born, my husband has been trying to convince or cagoule me into having the next child.I am open to another child and happy to start trying when our daughter is 3.

The issue here is that he does not like the time line I am proposing and thinks the spacing is too much. I honestly have nothing to give to another child now and with my bad leg, I worry that the next pregnancy will knock me out completely and it would be easier to manage a nearly 4 year old in his absence than a 2 or 3 year old. He has suggested moving to his work location so he could help more but I am reluctant to uproot my life here as there are no jobs for me where he is and we will loose 45 to 50% of our household income.

We have been fighting over this up to the point of being verbally abusive and not being nice to each other.

I have a low libido and frequency of intimacy has been a problem. The current situation has just made it worse and I am closing up even more. We havent been intimate in 6 months due to constant fighting over another child and horrible name calling on his end. We don't use protection condoms dont work for him. We use NFP.

what a prince. Wont use condoms?! Has he considered moving jobs? I would simply say, preferably in front of friends, I’m physically limited since giving birth, you’re barely here, so we can’t have another baby unless you change jobs to be more present. I mean, what does he think would happen if you couldn’t really walk in pregnancy? Would he quit then? Or expect you to somehow magically keep parenting and supporting him to work away?!

I would be seeking physio, not just OT. I may be oversimplifying but OT will help you function as best you can with a disability, whereas physio will give you exercises to actually improve your function and limit your disability.

One child is a blessing. Two sound completely incompatible with your life at the moment and a very poor choice for your physical health. Pay attention to how much your partner is taking your views and preferences into account - if he really loves you he will put your own happiness and health above his preferences.

Your DH should be supporting you to prioritise recovering from your birth injury before you even think about having another. What's he going to do if you do have a child and it gets worse? What if you can't care for both children due to it? He is massively unreasonable. It's not like he's even the one whose health is on the line and has to carry the baby and endure it all. He won't even be present a lot of the time due to his work.

What compromises is he willing to make? Rather than you move, will he move his job and change jobs to be near you?

Be careful he doesn't push the boundaries of the NFP too much. I know it can work well but it's usually for people who would prefer not to have a baby but wouldn't mind if it did happen. I have a NFP baby, granted it was user failure.

She's living with an abusive shitbag, her last pregnancy disabled her and she already has a very challenging child. The last thing she needs is another baby, quite possibly ever.

I have that gap between my 2 and I’m much less stressed than my friends with 2 year gaps. She shouldn’t be having more children wirh this man anyway.

I wouldn't be staying in this marriage let alone having another baby with this controlling, mainly absent man.
You are not a breeding machine to pop out babies because he possibly needs to prove something to himself and keep you under the thumb.
You have enough to deal with already and in effect are like a lone parent.

Name calling because you won't have another baby right now? I wouldn't have another with him at all even if I wasn't disabled.

What if having another baby completely ruins your health and as a result the life chances of your existing DC and the new baby? Will he step up? Given that he isn't now? Or is another baby a stick to beat you with and then you can't work so you are all completely dependent on him?

So to go with his narrative this hypothetical baby is more important than the child he already has and you?

You need to get well. Go to the Dr and see what can be done and get on contraception because at this rate you will get pregnant.

I would have loved another baby but I had to focus on my existing DC.

Is he in a country were ADHD etc is better catered for? They are the only circumstances that I'd consider moving for. Is ND in either family? Your second baby could need the same input. It sounds as though your marriage is failing and you need to reason out if you are ok with that. Name calling really kills a relationship off. If you could lose 50% of your income could you take unpaid leave, to follow the suggestions and sort your health out?

Yanbu. He is being horrible to you as it sounds like he is completely dismissing your physical issues and how hard it is looking after your daughter. Calling someone names to try ans make them have another baby against their will is awful. Would he go to couples counselling

talk to your gp about other methods of family planning - coil, maybe.

What is your daughter's diet like? Orange flavouring make some children hyper as does too much sugar. As you have walking problems she maybe doesnt get to run around as much as she needs to. Toddlers are like dogs, they need daily exercise. If your garden is enclosed throw a ball for her to bring back to you.

Dont move. If he continues to be so controlling you'll be a single parent and will need the job.

Hi OP. I’ve got two young DC, admittedly with a smaller age gap than you’d have. None of the kids are particularly difficult most of the time (yet still each one is a handful). DH also does more than his fair share despite me being a SAHM while they’re young/pre school age and him working very hard. Despite all this, having a second has nearly broken us due to the additional stress and there have even times I’ve wondered if our marriage will survive.

But my point is I think it will be hardest on you of course if DH is absent a lot. The extra stress and load I shared with DH will fall on you and just you the majority of the time. It’ll likely became an even more toxic environment between you both - if he’s already abusive. How dare he treat you like this. I hate to say this but if he’s like this already when you do the lion’s share with your one child, he’s likely to become even less patient with two DC as he’ll have to step up and help out more. Two kids often means one parent per child with us. It’s hard enough with both of us and all hands on deck. Imagine running around after a pretty busy older DC in your case while trying to pacify a very upset newborn - and on little sleep.

Besides, your husband sounds horrible! I wouldn’t want another DC with him full stop. Insist on condoms you will be having a second child whether you want to or not. I wouldn’t trust tracking ovulation as contraception btw. I know a fair few who did this and they’re now in baby groups with me.

He has made it clear that he doesn't care about you, he only cares about having another baby in his preferred timeframe.

You’re mid 30s so if you do want another baby I wouldn’t be waiting around.

But I would consider very carefully if it’s in your and your daughters best interests to have another child.

Why would you stay with a man who calls you horrible names let alone have another child with him?

anyway he’s being ridiculous on all fronts. But of course he would be. He’s a wanker

Your husband can decide to have a smaller age gap when he is going through the physical burden of growing and birthing the child and actually doing the caring thereafter.

Bully for him, he wants a smaller age gap. Of course he does, he's not actually suffered at all when you have, physically and emotionally, but he’s trying to persuade you? Clearly he doesn’t actually care about your well-being,. Or the well-being of your existing child as much as he cares about two with a small age gap, and that is depressing at best.

Stop having sex with this abusive arse Op. He'd be thrilled with a “happy accident” so you need to protect yourself fully.

That spacing seems to work well for families I know - the older one is a bit more independent and able to be quite helpful. But the spacing is probably the least of OPs problems really - health, overload, DDs hyperactivity and husband's attitude probably need addressing first.

Your contraception needs to be as watertight as a military submarine.
You have an absent husband, a badly behaved first child, a full time job and debilitating injuries. Why on Earth would you want to add another child into this shit show?

Don’t be bullied into having another child!

YANBU. Well done for getting your DD onto the assessment pathway - I know that's not easy.

Your husband's behaviour is very concerning. He is trying to bully you into having another child when you obviously aren't physically recovered or emotionally ready. Either your wellbeing doesn't matter to him or he is totally blind to it. And he is verbally abusive when you disagree. That's not a good husband or a good father.

Stay near your friends and family. Keep your job. You need them.

And get some long-term contraception so you don't have another baby until you are ready. Which might not be with this man at all.

Why is he so keen to have another when the situation is so challenging? Is it because he is wanting a boy? Can you investigate barrier methods for you to use (if you don't have the permanent ick).

If you can find the time then pilates could really help or there are physio exercises on the NHS website. Build it up slowly but definitely do not get pregnant again until you are feeling physically able.

I get what your partner means in terms of spacing between children.

But your circumstances are unique, and you'll do what's right for you.

In that case you have no option but to both remain celibate until you personally (without pressure from him) feel physically healthy enough and emotionally robust enough for child#2. If he can't accept that then the relationship needs to end.

Tbh I think it's probahly better to end it now because this incompatibility isn't going away is it? He will want child #3, #4 and #5 in due course because he can only have an active sex life with you if you are willing to be constantly pregnant, like the women whose graves we see so many times in churchyards all over england with the list of the 10 children she gave birth to, with her date of death being the date of birth of her last child. That's not the life you want.

My NPF child is sitting his GCSEs this year.
We did want him but couldn't agree on a timing and hence left it to the gods with NPF. But we didn't argue over it.

We have been fighting over this up to the point of being verbally abusive and not being nice to each other. This would be cause to reconsider the entire relationship.

Many people with circumstances similar to yours stop at one child. Why is he pushing for another when it's so difficult and has wrecked your body already?

It sounds like he just wants sex, and is using the baby timings as an excuse to get things going in the bedroom again. He’s obviously failing spectacularly!
It’s your body - your rules.
Tell him if he wants sex, he has to wear a condom. Viagra may help with his ‘issues’.

I have various gaps between kids from 1 year to 5 years. The ones who dont get on are the 2 year gap.

However, I think after reading your posts, gaps are the least of your worries...