My mum can't express emotion

[littletinybaby]

Does anyone else have parents who can do the practical stuff but not the emotional support?

I did the funeral speech for a close family friend recently – someone I loved dearly, who was a massive part of my life. It was emotional and difficult, but I got through it with a lot of valium.

Loads of people came up to me afterwards, including friends of hers and other family members, and said how much it meant to them, how beautifully I spoke, how well I captured who she was.

My car was in the garage at the time so my mum offered to take me and stayed for the funeral (which info appreciate tbf). We arrived early and no one was there and so we had a walk around the grounds which was this lovely forest. Whilst walking I had a panic attack about the whole thing and doing my speecg. I had to take a valium the doctors had prescribed after bereavement.

I stood up in front of 100 people and did my speech and felt so proud and like id done my friend proud and overcoming something I hated to do her justice. My mum dropper me off at home and there was no “well done”, no “that was brave”, no “you were amazing”. Just dropped me off and went quiet. She knows how close I was to my friend.

She’s always been like this. Can do practical help – lifts, DIY, childcare when absolutely needed – but zero emotional warmth. Never tells me she’s proud, never says “love you”, never gives verbal encouragement. I don’t think she’s even capable of it, and yet I still find myself hoping one day she’ll just say something kind.

Anyone else have parents like this? How do you deal with it – especially when you really need the words and not just the lift? I just wanted my mum to say you did so well.

My mum was the same but some parents are just like that. I never had the I love you either but her actions told me she did.

BTW, well done on your speech x

You accept that her ‘love language’ is doing rather than saying. Realise that’s trite, but being able to rely on someone to do practical stuff you need is far more valuable than someone who says ‘on you did so well’ but makes no effort to help whatsoever.

It was emotional and difficult, but I got through it with a lot of valium.

Because lots of a habit forming drug is healthier than your mums way ...

My mother is like this. I just don't go to her with any emotional stuff. Then she is upset because I don't go to her with emotional stuff. You either need a good friend to fill the gap or you just find a way to get on with it. She can't be who she isn't. At least she does offer some practical support. That shows she does care.

First of all, sorry for your loss OP. Congratulations on getting through the speech without breaking down, I know I could never do it.

However, as far as your relationship with your Mum, have you ever asked her why she doesn't praise you for things, or tell you she loves you? If you have, I dare say she will have said 'of course I'm proud of you, or of course I love you', or something similar. If you haven't asked her, then do, and if she says something along those lines, you could perhaps say, 'I know you love me Mum, but it would be really nice if you were to tell me sometimes. I hear other people's parents say it, and I'd really like it if you did'. Or, maybe try speaking to her about the funeral, and ask her why she didn't make any comment on the speech you made, when she knew how nervous you were, and see what she says. The thing is, if we don't tell people what we need from them, they don't know, do they? Your Mum has probably been going about her business your whole life, thinking you know how proud she is of you, and how much she loves you, but she just doesn't feel she needs to tell you. This is often due to the way that people themselves were brought up, but if you tell her you need this from her, she might just make the effort to say the words you long to hear. Give it a try.

Well done on your speech, never easy at these events.

I don’t think your mum is unreasonable. Some people are just like that, particularly from older generations. Doesn’t mean they don’t feel stuff, it’s just stiff upper lip, stoicism. Nothing wrong with that; if anything we could do with a bit more of it at times.

She said she had it prescribed after the bereavement and is obviously over exaggerating

My parents are both like this.
They are different with my children!! It’s upsetting

Threads like this makes me realise I never tell my (adult) dc that I love them, or hug them. Don’t hug family members either. I think we’re a traditional ‘stiff upper lip’ family.

Wouldn't be too sure of that. It isn't healthy no matter the reason. Do you have any idea how that drug makes you feel and does to you.

Needing prescription drugs isn't a must have for a bereavement.

My DM is the same. She gets visibily uncomfortable when I kiss my (small) children goodbye or tell them I love them.

I don't remember her ever giving me a cuddle, or saying she loves me, even when I was little.

I’m with your mum on this. If you were my daughter, I’d be thinking jeez Louise, why are you doing this to yourself, sweetheart?

You got your ephemeral words from the multitude of performative sentimentalists.

You got the genuine, proper, practical, real and lasting support from the person who was cringing inside about what you’d voluntarily put yourself through.

Yes my mum is like that. I've always said I would have to be running down the street naked on fire for her to say are you okay darling? 😂

Genuinely though over the years I've learned to ask for what I need - mum I need a hug, mum I need to just chat about x - and I have come to appreciate her quiet acceptance of my more emotional ways, and her ability to be quite insightful when I'm just blinded and overwhelmed by a situation.

She's had some odd reactions to things but on balance it's easier if I just accept how she is. I think it's gotten easier as I've got older. Was hard in my 20s and 30s.

Just ask. Are you proud of me for doing x. What advice do you have about y.

I think in some ways, someone saying they are proud can feel like a lot of pressure. If someone can be proud then they can be disappointed too.

You know you did well though.

Valium is a highly addictive drug. No other comment on that, but this is a fact.

People are all different, you say she's always been like this so obviously you will have to find a way to accept her as she is.

I'm so sorry for your loss and well done! Sorry if I missed this but do you have a partner or close friends for emotional support?

My mum is like this - would do anything for us but doesn't talk about feelings. I cope because my husband is my emotional support so I don't need her for that, simple as that. I've always gotten emotional support from others so never felt I needed it truth be told - I'm 40 so just used to her ways.

There's also the generational aspect - my mum had a hard upbringing where emotions weren't spoken about so she'd be breaking a habit of a lifetime now, she's in her 70s. Maybe that would help you to understand her better, how was her own upbringing?

She shows up. She was there for you. This is the way she expresses herself. Maybe look at the acts she gives and see them for what they are - her support. What if she said the words but never gave any practical support. Would that be preferable? None of us are perfect, and (mostly) we do the best we can, I was brought up with no emotions showing. I find it very difficult to show emotion, but whatever my adult kids need, I’m there - and always will be.

Yeah my mum's a bit like this. Not many compliments or encouragement. She has little depth when it comes to feelings. We're poles apart emotionally-in fact I've often wondered how we could be SO different. She's the most easy going person you could meet and I'm the total opposite. Very emotional, highly strung etc. Out of us both I know she's the more well adjusted one though and often wish I could be more like her. Having said that I do think it's a bit of a weakness to not even tell your kids ANYTHING encouraging. My self-esteem has always been practically zero. I've matched her personality now, and I'd cringe myself inside out if I ever told her "I love you" at this point. It would be so unnatural to me. Or a hug-wow that'd NEVER happen! I think the last time was when I was 13 and my grandad died.

Despite this I've always said I have a great mum-she does LOADS for me. I just do struggle with that one aspect and us being so different.

I know it really sucks not to get that acknowledgement that you did something well and really does a number on your confidence and makes you question yourself. I'm also very sorry for your loss

My mum was like that. She had an emotionally abusive childhood so she tended to clam up whenever emotions were expressed. She always said she loved me though and showed it through her acts.

It was hard when I was a teen and I lashed out on her trying to make her react. I understood her emotional disability when I got older. Sadly she died too young.

@littletinybaby Try to forgive her in your heart for her shortcomings and be thankful for what she is able to do to show her love. I'm sorry for your loss.

My mum is like this, she's nearly 80, but since she started to text a few years ago things have changed enormously, she'll say some really sweet things to me on text about being proud of me that she would never say in person.

You sound a little dramatic if I'm honest, needing valium after a death, panic attacks, maybe your mum is a just exasperated with your over the top reactions?

My parents are like yours OP. My mum tries, but I'd rather she didn't bother because it sounds so insincere. No matter what the situation, her go to response is, "Awwww...it's not easy is it?" It's slightly better than my dad's stock response: silence!

They have zero emotional intelligence. It still annoys / upsets me and I'm in my mid 50s!

Not necessary. Prescribed by doctor to help me for a few days. Unless you know me, and my medical history, or are a doctor, don't bother
.

This is quite unkind