My mum can't express emotion

[littletinybaby]

Does anyone else have parents who can do the practical stuff but not the emotional support?

I did the funeral speech for a close family friend recently – someone I loved dearly, who was a massive part of my life. It was emotional and difficult, but I got through it with a lot of valium.

Loads of people came up to me afterwards, including friends of hers and other family members, and said how much it meant to them, how beautifully I spoke, how well I captured who she was.

My car was in the garage at the time so my mum offered to take me and stayed for the funeral (which info appreciate tbf). We arrived early and no one was there and so we had a walk around the grounds which was this lovely forest. Whilst walking I had a panic attack about the whole thing and doing my speecg. I had to take a valium the doctors had prescribed after bereavement.

I stood up in front of 100 people and did my speech and felt so proud and like id done my friend proud and overcoming something I hated to do her justice. My mum dropper me off at home and there was no “well done”, no “that was brave”, no “you were amazing”. Just dropped me off and went quiet. She knows how close I was to my friend.

She’s always been like this. Can do practical help – lifts, DIY, childcare when absolutely needed – but zero emotional warmth. Never tells me she’s proud, never says “love you”, never gives verbal encouragement. I don’t think she’s even capable of it, and yet I still find myself hoping one day she’ll just say something kind.

Anyone else have parents like this? How do you deal with it – especially when you really need the words and not just the lift? I just wanted my mum to say you did so well.

If one of them died tomorrow, would you regret being like this?

Everyone is different, I can’t stand people gushing all over me ‘oh you have done so well!’ ‘I’m so proud’ etc and it doesn’t come naturally to me to gush back.
I do tell my family I love them etc I do tell someone well done if they have done something well….daughter done well at her dancing, husband has done a half marathon etc.
I give people compliments to people when I genuinely mean it.
Im very practically minded and I prefer people to be practical as well, agree that it’s sh*t and let’s crack on.

Husband was really poorly in hospital….all the emotional messaged wouldn’t have helped….practical stuff help.

I do get upset and can cry easily at films etc but the other end I’m a nurse and have came across loads of crap and people who have gone through hell and I have had tears in my eyes at work. But I am also calm in stressful situations…so when my husband was having terrifying seizures when he stopped breathing…..or when I was resuscitating someone in a restaurant….i then react later.

Sorry about your loss OP, it is very rare to be prescribed Valium after a bereavement as it is normal to process emotions.
I couldn’t/wouldn’t have been able to speak at anyone’s funeral I am close too.

No she does understand, just because one understands doesn't mean it's easy to accept or that you don't question how bonkers some people are. I understand that my mum had a shit childhood, is very emotionally damaged and very emotionally immature. Doesn't stop me wondering why, as a very small child, she thought it was appropriate to tell me she'd kill herself if it wasn't for me or why she used me as a therapist for her marital issues.

Sometimes a bit of humour gets us through these things....

Yes i recognise the practical support but the poster seemed to be suggesting the other people were insincere and the op’s speech was meaningless which is unfair.

She does say she loves me but is otherwise much more comfortable with practical stuff and she doesn’t really respond well if I’m upset about something - rather than comforting me she’d say something like you know what you need to do - or just look uncomfortable which when I look back on the moment feels so … well lacking as I only get upset over massive life things.

And that's fine.

I was very envious of my best friend growing up- her mum was a marvellous emotional support and always knew the right things to say, whereas my mum was (and still is) and emotional brick wall. However, if she said she would pick me up from Timbuktu at 3.00am, she would pick me up from Timbuktu at 3.00am.

Years ago I was travelling overseas with the said friend and through a series of unfortunate events (a natural disaster and a customs and immigration strike) we went from being on a perfectly fun safe bland holiday to being stuck in a regional airport on the outskirts of a city that had a terrible reputation for female travellers. Our air crew had disappeared and 200 odd passengers were stuck in a shut up terminal at 1.00am. It was pre-mobile phone days and the airport manager allowed each group of passengers 1 60 second phone call. It wasn’t even a discussion between my friend and I - we rang my mum.

To this day I don’t know how she did it but at 8am in the morning an Australian embassy car pulled up and drove us to the capital city of a neighbouring country and got us on a flight home. I have never heard of anyone ordinary like us getting a personal embassy transfer like this! I heard later that some of the other passengers were stuck in that terminal for 6 or 7 days.

Don’t underestimate the language of love that is reliable, logical and practical. It is just as good as emotional support.

Spectacularly missing the entire point, well done.

Thank you.

It isn't.

My dad is like this, I have no feelings towards him because he's so empty towards me, I can't love him because what's to love? Giving someone a lift is basic kindness I would expect from any friend. If he outlives my mum I'm not sure what will happen because I only go to see them to see my mum, I don't like spending time with my dad because he never says anything nice or loving.

We all have different love languages, sometimes because of different upbringing, or simply because they are part of our personalities and genetic make up.

The OP's mom gives her practical support with actions but still misses the emotional words. Maybe gently raising the issue over a cup of tea could get her mom to open up and connect a bit more emotionally. Or have the opposite effect - her mother could feel criticised and perceived that she's not enough.

Relationships are so complicated, that often the simplest approach is the way to go.

When I experienced this my thoughts always ran to I wonder what made them this way.

That lack of capacity for warmth and connection I think is something that is burnt out of people from early life experiences and I think that is very sad.

I think it really helps to understand there are reasons they are like this. It depersonalises the behaviour and allows for their capacity.

Both my parents were like this. If I got upset with them they would give me money. That was always their go to.

The book ' The Five Love Languages' is worth a read and I would also recommend 'Getting Over Your Parents' by the School of Life

Mine were the same. Hearing my mother tell my nieces "I'm proud of you" when she'd never once said it to me was hard.

When she knew she was terminally ill (9 months before she died), my mother said to me "I can't die without telling you I love you." That meant so much to me - I was 58.

My mum is like that, but it was her upbringing very hard strict working class Liverpool Irish catholic.

Was this REALLY necessary? This OP has lost someone who she clearly loved dearly, we all respond differently to death, so please stop judging other people's emotions, unless you've walked a mile in THEIR shoes!!

Well mine doesn't do emotional OR practical support. So... 🫤

But I'm used to it and I don't ever expect anything different. Sounds like you need to do the same OP.

She’s a bit too old for it now but my mum would have walked barefoot overnight through a blizzard to help me, DH or the grandchildren.

She wouldn’t be able to say “I love you” to my face though 🤣. She’d find it too cringey.

At a push she on couple of occasions managed to talk conceptually about her love and say “your father and I love you and want the best for you” but she would never be able to say it directly, in the spur of a warm moment, to me. I’m certain my grandmother never said such a thing to her, either!

It has left me having to learn how to speak my love freely, but there have been other ways to learn that.

It would be nice if we had an emotionally expressive relationship, sure. But she is who she is, a whole person. The less than ideal bits come hand in hand with the good bits!

What was her childhood like?

We had two generations, back to back who lived through the trauma of world wars. With a great depression in between.
Those people raised their children to get on with things, and get things done.

I feel like each generation is getting better at emotions, but you shouldn't judge previous generations based on your generation's standards. She's likely just doing her best. And she was THERE for you. That may be much, much more than her parents could do for her, so perhaps she feels she IS doing right.

Why do you need a Pat on the back ? You’re an adult and you did a nice thing, why do you need to be congratulated? I think you sound very needy and dramatic. Have you read the 5 love languages , sounds corny but not everyone expresses love the same way. Your mum expresses love through acts of service and you are blind to it. Maybe you could try understanding your mum a bit better instead of complaing

You sound a little dramatic if I'm honest, needing valium after a death

So grateful to not be the sort of person to ever want to say this shit to someone. So grateful to have kindness.

It is a risky strategy. I asked my mother , her response “ because you are not loveable. I have never loved you”

Is it? Its evident from many posts here that it may or may not be.

My partner is like this. He’s very practical and would show up for me. But I’ve never seen him express emotion, sadness or joy.

I’m like this. I just know I am.

The only person who can get this from me is my DH.