My mum can't express emotion

[littletinybaby]

Does anyone else have parents who can do the practical stuff but not the emotional support?

I did the funeral speech for a close family friend recently – someone I loved dearly, who was a massive part of my life. It was emotional and difficult, but I got through it with a lot of valium.

Loads of people came up to me afterwards, including friends of hers and other family members, and said how much it meant to them, how beautifully I spoke, how well I captured who she was.

My car was in the garage at the time so my mum offered to take me and stayed for the funeral (which info appreciate tbf). We arrived early and no one was there and so we had a walk around the grounds which was this lovely forest. Whilst walking I had a panic attack about the whole thing and doing my speecg. I had to take a valium the doctors had prescribed after bereavement.

I stood up in front of 100 people and did my speech and felt so proud and like id done my friend proud and overcoming something I hated to do her justice. My mum dropper me off at home and there was no “well done”, no “that was brave”, no “you were amazing”. Just dropped me off and went quiet. She knows how close I was to my friend.

She’s always been like this. Can do practical help – lifts, DIY, childcare when absolutely needed – but zero emotional warmth. Never tells me she’s proud, never says “love you”, never gives verbal encouragement. I don’t think she’s even capable of it, and yet I still find myself hoping one day she’ll just say something kind.

Anyone else have parents like this? How do you deal with it – especially when you really need the words and not just the lift? I just wanted my mum to say you did so well.

My mother is like this. I think she is autistic i am autistic and am very out of touch with my own emotions - I struggle to put them into words. However, I do say nice words things like "well done".

As PP said , your DM's love language (and my DM) is to do nice things. For my DM that usually includes bringing me nice food.

This is all good, except for one major thing - I have had horrendous problems over the last few years and cannot discuss any of them witb my DM. She listens for about 30 seconds and then says "there's nothing I can do about that dear" which is literally true but I feel like shaking her by the shoulders and screaming "there is something you can do, you can listen!" So frustrating!

Tbh im like your mum. Im terrible with emotions. I do it for work. But with family or friends i just cant. Id rather throw money at it or do things to show i care. Acts of service is my love language.

This is a good explanation of how you can understand to the end of the earth this type of behaviour but it does not change that it can still feel bad/hurtful/harmful. Being unable to hear other people’s feelings or being dismissive of others feelings makes them feel isolated and lonely and unheard. @dizzydizzydizzy you sound very understanding of your mother’s limitations but equally you sound like you have missed out on vital connection with her.

Often on these types of threads people come on to show understanding for the dismissive person in the situation but also demonstrate significant dismissive traits themselves and they don’t engage with the OP’s perspective at all and do not realise the irony of that at all.

Strong silent types are often the perfect contrast to anxious people having panic attacks and taking meds.

She was probably brought up in a home where emotions weren't shared so just focus on her actions rather than her emotional non sharing.

Try deep breathing and cbt for your anxiety .

My parents grew up during the war, born to parents who were products of Victorian upbringing. I think their background made them very stoic and not able to show much emotion unless the situation was absolutely dire. So I never really learned to be emotional or expressive. I try with my friends and children, but always have a vague feeling that I'm 'putting it on'. I feel deep emotion, but it's like I've never really learned what to do with it.

My parents were not emotive - we were JW and I remember surviving a road traffic accident at age 9 where I was hit at 30 mph but had fainted at just the right moment of impact and my dad offering a prayer and thinking ‘I didn’t know you cared’. But my parents were always there for me as I grew up. My trust in their support was absolute.

STBEX on the other hand was free and easy with words of love but was never there for me even abandoning me in times of need when I really needed practical support.
Started off with little things but progressed to surgery and then childbirth after c-section and then bereavement.

I know which I would prefer and is real expression of caring.

There are so many lovely, thoughtful and understanding replies on this thread.

Nothing to add, it’s just warmed my cockles.

This.

She wasn't looking for a pat on the back but an acknowledgement that she had done something very hard, and which was important to her but had taken an emotional toll. It's a verbal hug.

I think it's generational

I have a theory that people who were born soon after WW2 with so much tragedy around just had to develop resilience / no nonsense / no navel gazing / get on with it approach

My relatives aged 75+ absolutely do love their families and show it in practical ways, but show little public affection and wouldn't praise them in the way we praise the younger generations

And, TBH, hearing how fragile the younger generations are, I do sometimes wonder if stiff upper lip has some merit, but that's a whole different discussion

The OP herself said that the doctor had prescribed valium for her specifically for this funeral. Hardly habit-forming.

OP, I sympathize. Practical care of children necessary obvs but in itself does not constitute decent parenting. Your mother is clearly emotionally unavailable and of course that is very sad and frustrating for you, her child.

Hats off for doing the speech so well.

I'm intrigued how you can do it for work. Why is that? Because you value your work environment/colleagues more than your family or friends?

You clearly can do it, at least up to a point, if you manage to do it for work.

What u being so rude for ? The OP has Taken prescribed diazepam for an extremely stressful and upsetting time. Doctors don’t give it out Willy nilly as it is addictive so don’t concern urself over her becoming “addicted”
maybe don’t bother commenting in future

Please don’t have kids. I say this as the child of two very emotionally-void parents who made me feel hated, resented and unloved. As an adult, I have zero memories of either of them hugging me or telling me they loved me. Please, please don’t put kids through what I went through.

My mum was like this but without the practical help OP! It can be very tough when growing up comparing your parents to others. Well done on your speech!

Completely inappropriate to say this to someone you don’t know. You have no idea what’s going on in that poster’s life. Suggest you ask for your post to be deleted.

Terrible thing to say to someone who experienced trauma, learned to protect herself and stand on her own two feet

Wow.

I’m so intrigued by this response because this is exactly what my mum would be like. (It wouldn’t occur to her to do the practical help either.)

This approach makes me double down in the sense that I then also have to justify why I’m doing the nice/kind/brave thing - the ‘why put yourself through it’ part - well I do it because this person meant the world to me and I’m doing something important for them, their memory, their family etc. Perhaps this person was attuned to me in a way my mum isn’t. It frustrates me that my mum doesn’t understand this and waves off effort of this kind as ‘silly’.

OP, be glad your mum does the practical stuff at least and seek the emotional support from well-attuned friends instead? Well done on your speech.

Actions speak louder than words imo.
My mum and I don’t say “love you” every time we say goodbye (like I hear others do all the time) but we know we love each other, why state the obvious? I think it’s healthier actually to be able to take these things for granted than to need to hear it all the time over and over.

I realise though that your question was a bit different and about emotional support- what can I say, for some people ‘feelings’ are so private and personal that it’s awkward for them to acknowledge aloud (either their own feelings or the feeling of others). To try and start doing so would feel so unnatural to them that they might come across horribly awkward or un genuine if they tried., just through pure uncomfortableness. Your mum was there for you when you needed her, what she ‘thought’ of your speech doesn’t matter; you didn’t do it for her. It mattered hugely to the people who loved your friend though and they’ve told you how much they appreciated your words, so let that be enough 🥰

My MIL is the most emotionally repressed woman I've ever met.

Yet, she doesn't fit the stereotype of it at all. She has never ever told her sons she loves them, I've never in all years of knowing her seen her touch them. No hugs. Literally no intimacy on an emotional level whatsoever. yet she is very jealous and possessive over them (they're in their 50s!) and talks to them in this odd sing song baby voice (I think it comes from a place of total awkwardness with even the most basic form of intimacy) direct conversations are nearly impossible.

Even if for example she wanted to lavish praise on them (which she does frequently and excessively it's Via third person ) so she'll say to me "he's BRILLIANT at fitting those tiles. Best best best tile fitter ever !" (So it's really excessive and OTT , almost childlike) But the praise is always for trivial or practical things, never ever emotional or deep stuff. No advice or wisdom ever shared. No talking apart from superficial small talk.

She is fantastic, in fact a master, at offering him practical help. She'd happily be his "builders labourer" cleaning up, passing tools etc all day. She'd run errands, clean cars, tidy the garden. Pick you up at 3am from an airport. But it's almost OTT and misplaced - it's hard to describe. But anything emotional - forget it. She's very emotionally 'hard'. Has harsh judgements on others and is quite unforgiving of minor things.

It's the oddest "female/mum" dynamic I've ever known in my entire life. She sounded like she was very attached to her own mother, so no emotional abuse. Seems to prefer boys and men to women in general (not sure if it's a defense mechanism ?) you'll never know her true feelings on anything I don't suspect. I do like her (believe it or not 😁) but find her utterly baffling. Never ever seen a dynamic like it and just can't figure her out.

I do wonder if she's autistic.

But short answer is : not my mum, but yes my MIL is incapable of emotional support!

Blimey, that was cathartic!

Because i empathise with work. I qm trying more tor fanily and friends. I now visualise emotions like on inside out sounds daft but it helps. But always remember thought's affect feelings feelings affect behaviours and behaviours affect us physically. So i believe actions speak louder than words anyways. You can say anything doesnt mean you mean it