My mum can't express emotion

[littletinybaby]

Does anyone else have parents who can do the practical stuff but not the emotional support?

I did the funeral speech for a close family friend recently – someone I loved dearly, who was a massive part of my life. It was emotional and difficult, but I got through it with a lot of valium.

Loads of people came up to me afterwards, including friends of hers and other family members, and said how much it meant to them, how beautifully I spoke, how well I captured who she was.

My car was in the garage at the time so my mum offered to take me and stayed for the funeral (which info appreciate tbf). We arrived early and no one was there and so we had a walk around the grounds which was this lovely forest. Whilst walking I had a panic attack about the whole thing and doing my speecg. I had to take a valium the doctors had prescribed after bereavement.

I stood up in front of 100 people and did my speech and felt so proud and like id done my friend proud and overcoming something I hated to do her justice. My mum dropper me off at home and there was no “well done”, no “that was brave”, no “you were amazing”. Just dropped me off and went quiet. She knows how close I was to my friend.

She’s always been like this. Can do practical help – lifts, DIY, childcare when absolutely needed – but zero emotional warmth. Never tells me she’s proud, never says “love you”, never gives verbal encouragement. I don’t think she’s even capable of it, and yet I still find myself hoping one day she’ll just say something kind.

Anyone else have parents like this? How do you deal with it – especially when you really need the words and not just the lift? I just wanted my mum to say you did so well.

Do you not understand hyperbole for comic effect? She wouldn’t have got through anything with a “lot” of Valium.

What if what they need is emotional support?

What would you consider an appropriate reaction to the death of a loved one?

Just try to think, OP, she has raised you to be emotionally literate even if she can't be herself. She isn't going to change.

Some people are a product of their upbringing. They still show love, but in a practical way instead of emotional. She was physically there's for you, she wouldn't have done that if she didn't care.

She isnt going to change.

They get it from somewhere else. My circle know I would put myself out and move heaven and earth to help. They know they can vent about something, but if they want to do the in depth navel gazing thing then they need to get it from someone else.

My mum is a carbon copy. No emotion whatsoever. No hugs in childhood, no well dones, no ‘you’re so good at this’ nothing.

When my baby was in ICU gravely ill I had to come home & put on a brave face for other DD. My mum didn’t even hug me.

I try to be the exact opposite for my kids. Put the pain in to purpose so to speak. It sucks. It wasn’t so long ago she had me in tears as she’s so rude & blunt at times. But you can’t control it. Just carry on being you & know this isn’t your fault.

Comic effect? This is not a joke - this is someone who doesn’t understand that her mother is different from her and is struggling. And to the poster who has diagnosed her own mother with an “emotional disability”… 🙄

I think your mum sounds like an absolute star!!

She’s there for you when you need her to be.

I’m sorry for your loss OP but you need to stand back and appreciate that your mum is exactly the sort of person you really need, not someone who gushes at every little ‘achievement’.

Forget the Valium and try to follow your mum’s example of how to cope with life, including dealing realistically with sadness and loss.

My mum has been gone over 30years but I still remember her strength. She was on active service in WW2 and so was my dad. They knew not to sweat the small stuff and that’s an example I try to follow too.

Cherish your mum for who she is and not some fake
til tok style nonsense. She won’t always be there!!

I’m pretty emotionless, l learned it after many let downs and a pretty grim childhood particularly from my mother. I expect nothing from anyone and l can’t remember the last time l cried.

The only thing I can add is consider how much vulnerability you feel comfortable with in front of her. Agree with PP, you have to accept it because you can't change it and maybe it would help to think of it as an emotional disability.

I am a bit like this. I absolutely hate it.

Its only very recently that I have started working on it (thanks ChatGPT) but it’s probably too little too late.

I had a very traumatic childhood, I’m autistic and I have an avoidant attachment style.
My mum was/is very emotionless too.

Whats annoying is that I feel very deeply and I wish I could explain to people how I feel but I just can’t.
So I do more practical things instead.

I do say how proud I am or how well they’ve done but I don’t say or do anything emotional.

Your mum likely is like me where she feels it all (else she wouldn’t be there for you) but cannot physically say it.

I think you should have more understanding for your mother. Mine is the same, and I assume it was the repeated abandonment during childhood and emotional abuse she suffered.

But though she is clearly uncomfortable with 'fluff and guff', she is always there. She's always been the calm one in a crisis everyone runs to because she knows exactly what to do, and won't let emotion take over in the moment.

She shows her love and pride through practical support.

I cherish it.

I've also had a friend who and the opposite. And that was soul destroying for her. Her mum's words of love would flow constantly, but she'd never actually help or show up. It was hollow and meaningless.

I'm sure there is a happy medium to be had there, and I've tried for that with my own dc. But I think it's important not to forget how truly fucked some of the past generations childhoods were, trauma was commonplace that would make the news today.

I’m not talking about anyone’s ‘circle’, though. I’m asking a mother what she’d do if her child needed emotional support.

The fact that you dismiss that as ‘in depth navel gazing’ and ‘they can get it from somewhere else’ is genuinely sad. I can’t imagine what it must be to grow up with a mother who was an emotional vacuum. You surely cannot think that’s healthy for a child?

My parents were like that. I spoke at my dad’s funeral and so many people came and said they were proud of me. My mum didn’t though, not because she wasn’t proud, she was, but because both her and my dad struggled to display emotions. I remember my dad was quite affectionate to me as a young child, but as I became a teen he struggled to even have a conversation with me. That got better as I got older. I never doubted I was loved, even though it was never said. I think a lot of it was from their own upbringing. I don’t dwell on it to be honest, people are different.

My Mother is like this OP, no praise, never told she loves me, never hugged, there are times where it has upset me so much but now I try to just let it go, she has helped me in a lot of practical ways such as with childcare so that is her way of showing affection, I think anyway, there will never be a deep connection with her so I won’t ever know.

How unkind are you?!

Yes my mum is the same. Hugely practical, and excellent in a crisis, but she's never once in my life asked me a heartfelt "How are you?" or "Are you OK?"

I've been signed off work with anxiety previously, and once back at work, she's never once asked me how I'm doing.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer. She never gave me a reassuring word.

My husband has been through an awful time over the last few years (his own health issue, a job loss, and very poorly parents) and she's never once asked how we are, or acknowledged that he's been through the wringer, or said "Well done for being so strong" or "At least you guys have got eachother" or anything.

It makes me sad and makes me keep her at arms length.

People and includes our parents, spouses and children, are often wired up differently emotionally.

Personally, I don't need words of "how well you've done" or "proud of you" or nice words to feel supported, I prefer actions and practicality to nice words.

Your mother shows her love to you every time she gives you a lift, does childcare or helps with household problems. She may be incapable of saying how much she loves you, but demonstrates it with her actions.

I'm sorry you need the emotional words she can't offer, but don't doubt her love.

I think your mum showed you love through her actions. Doing a speech for your friend was something you did for her, I assume, and not for praise, and though I get it it’s lovely to be told you’ve done something well, your mum may have felt very moved and that it was not something that should be praised as though it was a performance. You clearly have different ‘love languages’ so if you want her to tell you you did great you probably need to ask her. To be honest though I do praise my children a lot I’m not sure I’d praise them in those circumstances; quiet sympathy might feel more appropriate.

My generation backwards to the wars is properly messed up. I'm 63. We were taught on the whole not to express emotion, be seen and not heard and never admit to any emotional irregularity. The higher up the social ladder you were the the more repressed you were.
My mother didn't show any kind of emotion day to day but would then cry uncontrollably and take to her bed for days on end.
My uncle was so repressed he would talk minimally without moving his lips like a ventriloquist. They all went to terrible boarding schools where they were abused constantly.
They didn't know how to show any kind of affection.
Not every family was like this but a good many of the families I knew when growing up and certainly my close and extended family were. It's no wonder we have problems being normal with our own children.

My in laws are exactly like this. Very practical. But no emotional support whatsoever. I recently lost my dad, about 8 weeks ago, and they haven’t yet told me they are sorry for my loss, haven’t asked me how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, how was I upon my return to work after my bereavement which I found tough. On Father’s Day I got a text from my PiL saying he was thinking of me and that I made my dad proud and happy and you could have Knocked me down with a feather when I read it. But he’d have never have said it to my face. I’ve just have to accept that they are not very demonstrative with emotions at all and will show their love in other ways.

Sorry for your recent loss OP. I also did the eulogy at my dad’s funeral and I know how tough it was but also that you will feel a justifiable sense of pride in doing such a public thing. Writing and public speaking are things I am good at so I felt it was something I could do to honour my dad as best I could and I’m sure you felt the same, and you are right to be proud of what you did.

Some people are just like that. I’m gushy with my words but my husband isn’t. He shows love by things he does for us. I’d say he’s the kinder and more selfless person than me. You can’t change someone and shouldn’t be trying to. She sounds like a great mum to me.

Yes, absolutely.
My elderly mother (in another country) is a malignant narcissist.
She doesn't express emotions, only if it's about her. Very happily "kicks a person" when they are already "on the ground".
She's 82, on her own in a huge family apartment and surprised I see her once in 6 years. Just waiting for this chapter to finish and to collect my rightful inheritance.
Sad, but not a problem of the (adult) children.

It’s true though.

OP’s mum gave her lots of practical support. Not everyone is expressive in the same way and that’s fine.