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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not answering straight away

103 replies

nikkkii · 11/07/2025 20:34

I had a message this morning asking if my daughter would like a sleepover at a friends house tomorrow.
I was at work and didn’t get to answer it until this evening.
I have accepted the invitation but been told they have made other plans now as I didn’t reply.
AIBU to think this is unfair?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 11/07/2025 20:35

I’m not sure what you mean by it being unfair? Unfair on who?

If I was trying to make plans for tomorrow and hadn’t had a response all day I’d probably assume it had been ignored so would make other plans.

Ponoka7 · 11/07/2025 20:36

If they know that you can't read your phone in work, then yes. Surely there'll be another opportunity, though, it's only a sleep over.

cyvguhb · 11/07/2025 20:37

Unfair in what way, if you don't hear back from a person you're perfectly entitled to make other arrangements

GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister · 11/07/2025 20:39

you didn’t answer so they made other plans , simple

KnewYearKnewMe · 11/07/2025 20:40

As it’s quite a spontaneous invitation, sounds like they were expecting a spontaneous response.

waiting till the evening makes it hard for them to plan so I don’t blame them.

were you not even able to respond with a holding message?

WaitedBlankey · 11/07/2025 20:41

Perfectly reasonable - if you don’t reply (for whatever reason) you can’t expect people to leave their lives on hold until you do.

If I was making plans for the kids for weekend and hadn’t had a reply for 6 hours I’d assume it wasn’t happening.

Spies · 11/07/2025 20:42

GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister · 11/07/2025 20:39

you didn’t answer so they made other plans , simple

Agreed. It's unfortunate but that's just the way life goes sometimes. It was a last minute invite and after hours of not hearing from you they made alternative plans, neither of you are in the wrong. You couldn't answer any earlier and they couldn't spend all day waiting and potentially getting a no when there were others who could respond sooner with a yes.

HotCrossBunplease · 11/07/2025 20:44

Was it WhatsApp and did you read it (activating the blue ticks) but not reply?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 11/07/2025 20:45

YABU. You had most of the day to send a quick response.

HotCrossBunplease · 11/07/2025 20:46

And do you work in an environment where even a simple “Thanks, at work, can I let you know later?” would have been impossible? If so, you might want to think about setting up an auto-response on your phone.

Thingsthatgo · 11/07/2025 20:50

Unfair - in the way that life is unfair, unfair that you have a job that that means you can’t answer messages? Yes.

Unfair of the person to make other plans? No.

LittlleMy · 11/07/2025 20:51

HotCrossBunplease · 11/07/2025 20:46

And do you work in an environment where even a simple “Thanks, at work, can I let you know later?” would have been impossible? If so, you might want to think about setting up an auto-response on your phone.

No offence to OP but it’s implied she saw it so I agree she should have just quickly sent a sort of holding reply giving a time by which she would confirm. And yes those auto replies are a very good tool for the future!

mumda · 11/07/2025 21:13

Can you auto reply to texts?

HotCrossBunplease · 11/07/2025 21:44

mumda · 11/07/2025 21:13

Can you auto reply to texts?

I was thinking about WhatsApp, do many people still communicate by text apart from scammers?

ilovepixie · 11/07/2025 21:47

Why didn’t you answer it earlier? Surely you get breaks at work? Or isn’t your phone allowed in your workplace?

Topseyt123 · 12/07/2025 00:52

They were trying to make plans for the evening. You didn't respond for a long time so it is perfectly fair that they made other plans instead.

You responded too late, whatever your reasons for doing that were. Do you get no breaks at all? A quick response would have taken 30 seconds.

Sorry, but it isn't unfair at all.

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 00:56

Nope, you had all day to respond, it takes seconds to message someone back and you definitely had time throughout the day to do so. Lesson learned.

PoopingAllTheWay · 12/07/2025 01:02

From this morning to this evening you couldn't spare 5 seconds to reply?

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 01:28

Mrsttcno1 · 11/07/2025 20:35

I’m not sure what you mean by it being unfair? Unfair on who?

If I was trying to make plans for tomorrow and hadn’t had a response all day I’d probably assume it had been ignored so would make other plans.

This. People are also usually constantly on their phones so if someone doesn't respond it seems rude. Just look at the responses on here, everyone wants an instant response with no thought that some people might have a workplace where you can't access your phone. In saying that one day isn't much notice. This is why phones and the way we communicate now is shit.

LankylegsFromOz · 12/07/2025 01:54

I mean, in hindsight they could have said if they don't hear back by 'x' time, they will go to Plan B. But then, why should the go to that extra effort when you can't?

I really hate it when people say they'll get back to me, or don't bother replying for hours on end. Like they expect others to hang around waiting for them to either pull their finger out, or get a better offer. So no, I don't think they were rude at all.

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 02:03

For a sleepover tomorrow it is quite a late invite.

However, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Many people are unable to check their phones during working hours, and even at breaks may leave their phones in their bags or lockers.

If the mum wanted an instant response, why didn’t she phone her. After all, that is the purpose of the phone!

PollyBell · 12/07/2025 02:08

Well i get you didn't answer instantly i dont, but if i dont i wouldnt assume after a few hours the situation is the same so would not think them changing plans is unfair

I would have checked first before saying anything to my child then moved on if it changed

SprayWhiteDung · 12/07/2025 02:09

Some people just cannot comprehend that a lot of people are at work all day, in jobs where they just don't have chance to see their phones - and often there may not actually be a signal.

Yes, you're supposed to have breaks - but these can often be very oversubscribed with essential stuff you have to do and/or difficult to even take in practice.

And it's not just a 10-second "Yes, please" message, as there will be lots of follow-up timings, arrangements and general chat. It can easily end up taking half an hour that you simply do not have available; and the kind of person who can't understand people being at work with limited phone access will be the same kind of person who would assume you'd suddenly given them the cold shoulder and would take great offence if you did reply back and forth for half an hour but then stop because you had to be back in work.

Some people maybe have very little going on in their lives, and so six hours or more without a response may seem like an absolute age and complete snub to them; but to somebody who is busy at work, it's not that long at all.

You also get the people who will email a company at 4:55pm on a Friday and then be absolutely horrified and disgusted that they don't reply until 9:05am on the Monday!1

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 02:38

SprayWhiteDung · 12/07/2025 02:09

Some people just cannot comprehend that a lot of people are at work all day, in jobs where they just don't have chance to see their phones - and often there may not actually be a signal.

Yes, you're supposed to have breaks - but these can often be very oversubscribed with essential stuff you have to do and/or difficult to even take in practice.

And it's not just a 10-second "Yes, please" message, as there will be lots of follow-up timings, arrangements and general chat. It can easily end up taking half an hour that you simply do not have available; and the kind of person who can't understand people being at work with limited phone access will be the same kind of person who would assume you'd suddenly given them the cold shoulder and would take great offence if you did reply back and forth for half an hour but then stop because you had to be back in work.

Some people maybe have very little going on in their lives, and so six hours or more without a response may seem like an absolute age and complete snub to them; but to somebody who is busy at work, it's not that long at all.

You also get the people who will email a company at 4:55pm on a Friday and then be absolutely horrified and disgusted that they don't reply until 9:05am on the Monday!1

Edited

Nope, everyone understands this perfectly. She doesn't work in a sweat shop with no breaks, she very definitely did stop to go to the loo, have a drink of water and have something to eat and very definitely could have taken the 20 seconds to type "Yes please will text after work :)"

It's fine that she chose not prioritise responding, and it's fine that the other person moved on.

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 02:39

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 02:03

For a sleepover tomorrow it is quite a late invite.

However, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Many people are unable to check their phones during working hours, and even at breaks may leave their phones in their bags or lockers.

If the mum wanted an instant response, why didn’t she phone her. After all, that is the purpose of the phone!

No, just a casual last minute thing, really normal. OP didn't prioritise responding, the other mum moved on. No big deal either way.

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