Not answering straight away

[nikkkii]

I had a message this morning asking if my daughter would like a sleepover at a friends house tomorrow.
I was at work and didn’t get to answer it until this evening.
I have accepted the invitation but been told they have made other plans now as I didn’t reply.
AIBU to think this is unfair?

I think it is fair enough as it was a sleepover invitation not something bigger but I certainly have days at work where I don't take a break apart from to go to the loo and I can't necessarily access my phone. If I take a ten minute break to eat, which is very normal, I might look at my phone to check my husband hasn't texted but won't read every What's App as I sometimes have loads.

I can think of organisations you behave as if every family has someone at home all day- BT/Openreach for example.

Taking days to reply is really not acceptable.

Unless you are a surgeon in an hours long operation, a pilot without a co-pilot flying a plane or something similar I think you could have replied. You chose to reply later assuming that would be ok and it wasn’t. Shit happens.

Anything you like! Yes, just to say Thanks for the message. I’ll respond asap kind of thing.

I also don’t have the blue ticks etc. I hate others knowing that I’ve read their message etc. it makes me feel harrassed. 😂

I can see how it would feel a bit shit, but unfortunately they can’t hold off all of their plans in case you message back hours later.

I can see why they made other arrangements sorry.

I see, although I think it's a sad indicator of society if people need an auto response when they text someone 😕 "Read" ticks are also intrinsically bad, lead to so many assumptions 😬

So if the friend is wanting to get the plans made NOW, do you think they will be happy with that - having to wait hours until you're able to message after work, rather than being able to finalise all the details now?

I know people who would actually take more offence at that - the very fact that you've managed to find a moment to send a cursory reply once would be 'proof' to them that you clearly are able to freely respond to messages at work.

Par for the course with my DH. He can go days without looking at his phone.

If people want an answer quickly, they ring him or message me.

It's perfectly possible to disagree with other people's points without tearing them down like a dog with a bone, you know.

You must surely realise that not everybody in the world is exactly the same as you, with exactly the same circumstances at all times?

I don't know if you intended to come across as quite so arrogant, but slapping down somebody's comments as 'completely incorrect from start to finish' - just because your own personal experiences don't correspond - is really very narrow-minded.

Fair enough if that's how he prefers to do things; but I then think the balance of sympathy if he misses out on something as a result would then shift sharply - as long as he accepts that.

Not "unfair", just part of normal back-and-forth of life.

"Ah, never mind. Maybe next time."

I think so OP - I mean even around 2018 I never took my phone to work

If they're somewhere where they can't check their phones, how would it help to send a second message saying they'd arranged something else?

Could the other person see you'd read & not replied? Or are you a brain surgeon / prison office / reception teacher etc who is totally non-contactable during the day and they would know?

Do you have form for this? Could be a deliberately pass agg response.

When DDs were younger there was a mother of one of their group of friends who was like this. Would take days to respond to messages that were usually doing her favours - offering to drop or collect the whole group for an upcoming event etc. She was never the one that did the lifts or hosted the kids. Was a superior, entitled cow that thought she was very important and had a very high flying job (she wasn't and she didn't). Absolutely in the context of her job could have taken 2mins to respond. Used to p* us all off.

Would agree with others that the post & run without responding to the many questions here hasn't done you any favours both generally and in gaining sympathy for this particular issue.

My guess is when you do get to access your phone and reply to messages, you'd apologise for the delay! Not post here about others being unfair!

Seems the OP doesn’t respond to anything in a timely fashion. 😂

They were trying to make plans, you couldn't confirm quickly, within one hour, so they moved on to make other plans.
Very reasonable of them.
I would do exactly the same.
I tend to put a time limit on such things so everyone knows where they stand.

The OP is too busy to respond to us. Perhaps she will be back in a week or so to tell us it was unfair that we stopped posting after a few days of silence.

Well said.

Really not acceptable. No one owes you a response.

i loathe this expectation that we are switched on and plugged in and immediately available.

You snooze, you lose.

Right, fair enough.

But, how about the expectation that other people have to wait indefinitely and maybe alter their plans because you haven’t responded to their invitation? Do you really think that you are entitled to have everyone wait for you to get around to responding? Even if that means they can’t plan their social life in the meantime?

I don’t think there is anything wrong at all with people changing their plans if they don’t receive a timely response. It is utterly fair enough. I don’t expect people to sit around waiting for me.

But I also don’t feel obliged to respond to every single message I get within the senders timescale. Just because you have chosen to message me, does not oblige me to drop everything and respond. I’m not available.