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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not answering straight away

103 replies

nikkkii · 11/07/2025 20:34

I had a message this morning asking if my daughter would like a sleepover at a friends house tomorrow.
I was at work and didn’t get to answer it until this evening.
I have accepted the invitation but been told they have made other plans now as I didn’t reply.
AIBU to think this is unfair?

OP posts:
Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 02:45

SprayWhiteDung · 12/07/2025 02:09

Some people just cannot comprehend that a lot of people are at work all day, in jobs where they just don't have chance to see their phones - and often there may not actually be a signal.

Yes, you're supposed to have breaks - but these can often be very oversubscribed with essential stuff you have to do and/or difficult to even take in practice.

And it's not just a 10-second "Yes, please" message, as there will be lots of follow-up timings, arrangements and general chat. It can easily end up taking half an hour that you simply do not have available; and the kind of person who can't understand people being at work with limited phone access will be the same kind of person who would assume you'd suddenly given them the cold shoulder and would take great offence if you did reply back and forth for half an hour but then stop because you had to be back in work.

Some people maybe have very little going on in their lives, and so six hours or more without a response may seem like an absolute age and complete snub to them; but to somebody who is busy at work, it's not that long at all.

You also get the people who will email a company at 4:55pm on a Friday and then be absolutely horrified and disgusted that they don't reply until 9:05am on the Monday!1

Edited

Brilliant response! And I'm someone who feels I have to answer immediately, but I also recognise this is not a good thing

MsDDxx · 12/07/2025 02:47

Out of interest, you can auto reply on WhatsApp business - I use it for this purpose. You don’t have to have a business to use it.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 02:52

MsDDxx · 12/07/2025 02:47

Out of interest, you can auto reply on WhatsApp business - I use it for this purpose. You don’t have to have a business to use it.

I missed this, what do you use auto reply for, is it like "too busy, can't answer"? In which case surely not responding speaks for itself?

Travelfairy · 12/07/2025 02:53

I have friends like this and often wait for hours even days for a reply. Reading this thread i will absolutely just make other plans!!

Tourmalines · 12/07/2025 02:55

If you saw the message, couldn’t she have seen you read it? You saw the messsge in the morning, why didn’t you answer during your lunch break? I think if she didn’t hear from you all day ,well then she did nothing wrong by organising something else.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 02:56

Travelfairy · 12/07/2025 02:53

I have friends like this and often wait for hours even days for a reply. Reading this thread i will absolutely just make other plans!!

But if you know that (and I'm assuming you think they're ignoring you and not busy), then why don't you just say let me know by x time

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 03:00

Travelfairy · 12/07/2025 02:53

I have friends like this and often wait for hours even days for a reply. Reading this thread i will absolutely just make other plans!!

So why don’t you just phone them?

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 03:03

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 03:00

So why don’t you just phone them?

Even better! People have forgotten the purpose of a phone (me included! 😳)

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 06:35

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 02:45

Brilliant response! And I'm someone who feels I have to answer immediately, but I also recognise this is not a good thing

By brilliant you apparently mean completely incorrect from start to finish.

Perhaps not quite from start to finish, there are indeed probably people who email at 4.55 and complain that they didn't get a response Monday morning at 9.05, but that is not a relevant comparison and had nothing in common with this situation.

Literally everyone - and I do mean absolutely everyone who has read this thread - recognises that people can be busy all day at work, and most of us have also been in that position. It's not, in any way, a surprising revelation.

For privacy reasons, I am not allowed my phone at work, it's in a locker which I can access on breaks.

So when I am on one of my breaks (which everyone including the OP gets no matter what their job) I check my phone and if there are important messages I respond taking a few seconds to say I am at work and will check in later.

Just like the OP I, and everybody else who has read this thread, prioritise who I respond to based on my own needs and abilities at that time.

The OP did not prioritise the text and decided not to take a few seconds to say "Sounds great, will contact you after work". And that's fine.

The other person then moved on, so that is also fine.

So actually, this post is pointless, and the reply you quoted was incorrect and based on faulty assumptions.

NorthernEarlyRiser · 12/07/2025 06:37
LillyPJ · 12/07/2025 06:42

YABU. If they were trying to make plans and hadn't heard from you, it's reasonable for them to make other plans. They didn't know why you hadn't replied or whether you even would.

Walkerzoo · 12/07/2025 06:47

Reading this has made me also think I will make plans. I find it rude to that people can't get back quickly but I am daft to wait. Good on them.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 06:50

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 06:35

By brilliant you apparently mean completely incorrect from start to finish.

Perhaps not quite from start to finish, there are indeed probably people who email at 4.55 and complain that they didn't get a response Monday morning at 9.05, but that is not a relevant comparison and had nothing in common with this situation.

Literally everyone - and I do mean absolutely everyone who has read this thread - recognises that people can be busy all day at work, and most of us have also been in that position. It's not, in any way, a surprising revelation.

For privacy reasons, I am not allowed my phone at work, it's in a locker which I can access on breaks.

So when I am on one of my breaks (which everyone including the OP gets no matter what their job) I check my phone and if there are important messages I respond taking a few seconds to say I am at work and will check in later.

Just like the OP I, and everybody else who has read this thread, prioritise who I respond to based on my own needs and abilities at that time.

The OP did not prioritise the text and decided not to take a few seconds to say "Sounds great, will contact you after work". And that's fine.

The other person then moved on, so that is also fine.

So actually, this post is pointless, and the reply you quoted was incorrect and based on faulty assumptions.

What are you going on about? It was a brilliant response, not everyone is on their phone 24/7.

Subbyhubby · 12/07/2025 06:54

What do you mean by ‘unfair’? If someone has invited you to something, it’s fair that they might decide it’s not a goer. They don’t ’owe’ you a sleepover?
you could always ask them to to sleep round at yours if you wanted?

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:00

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 03:03

Even better! People have forgotten the purpose of a phone (me included! 😳)

Well, no. The purpose of a land line was indeed to make telephone calls, but home phones (land lines) are subject to revisionist history. For example, there is a myth that we all loved making calls and receiving them, but that was certainly not true, and to a large proportion of people being able to send a text is far more polite, less stressful and much more useful than phoning.

In fact, the number one method of communication these days is messaging, with most Britons indicating a strong preference for texting over phone calls. It is now considered quite impolite to just phone someone, unless you are close to them and unless this is an established and agreed to behaviour.

https: // yougov dot co dot uk/technology/articles/31699-most-britons-would-prefer-receive-text-over-phone-

Consumers also indicate a strong preference for companies that allow them to message or email.

https: // pr.liveperson dot com/ 2022-04-20-Hold-the-phone-87-of-consumers-worldwide-prefer-brands-that-connect-their-interactions-across-voice-and-messaging

Making telephone calls was only part of social history for a very brief time, and a phone was certainly great to have in your house for your own convenience, emergencies and for some people was in fact a beloved method of communication - but for many was often intrusive, unwanted and ignored when it suited them.

In the days of land lines people were also often simply not available and the caller then had to call back. "Sorry I missed your call, I was out" was the number one way to avoid unwanted phone interactions.

Within moments of the invention of the answering machine, most were using it to screen their phone calls.

And of course if the OP was unable to answer a text (she was not unable to do, but let us pretend hypothetically this was the case) she would very definitely not have had the time or ability to take a call.

Smart phones are mini computers and people use them for reading books, watching YouTube, listening to podcasts, booking plane seats, texting, emailing, banking and more. Phone calls are pretty much the bottom of the list nowadays.

So, no the purpose of a smart phone is not to make calls, that is just one of its functions, and one which is far less popular than its other uses, and the person who contacted the OP was using the now preferred and usual method of interaction - messaging.

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:01

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 06:50

What are you going on about? It was a brilliant response, not everyone is on their phone 24/7.

What are you going on about? I completely debunked the comment on the assumption that your reading comprehension was standard and your reply has absolutely no relevance to anything I said.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 07:04

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:00

Well, no. The purpose of a land line was indeed to make telephone calls, but home phones (land lines) are subject to revisionist history. For example, there is a myth that we all loved making calls and receiving them, but that was certainly not true, and to a large proportion of people being able to send a text is far more polite, less stressful and much more useful than phoning.

In fact, the number one method of communication these days is messaging, with most Britons indicating a strong preference for texting over phone calls. It is now considered quite impolite to just phone someone, unless you are close to them and unless this is an established and agreed to behaviour.

https: // yougov dot co dot uk/technology/articles/31699-most-britons-would-prefer-receive-text-over-phone-

Consumers also indicate a strong preference for companies that allow them to message or email.

https: // pr.liveperson dot com/ 2022-04-20-Hold-the-phone-87-of-consumers-worldwide-prefer-brands-that-connect-their-interactions-across-voice-and-messaging

Making telephone calls was only part of social history for a very brief time, and a phone was certainly great to have in your house for your own convenience, emergencies and for some people was in fact a beloved method of communication - but for many was often intrusive, unwanted and ignored when it suited them.

In the days of land lines people were also often simply not available and the caller then had to call back. "Sorry I missed your call, I was out" was the number one way to avoid unwanted phone interactions.

Within moments of the invention of the answering machine, most were using it to screen their phone calls.

And of course if the OP was unable to answer a text (she was not unable to do, but let us pretend hypothetically this was the case) she would very definitely not have had the time or ability to take a call.

Smart phones are mini computers and people use them for reading books, watching YouTube, listening to podcasts, booking plane seats, texting, emailing, banking and more. Phone calls are pretty much the bottom of the list nowadays.

So, no the purpose of a smart phone is not to make calls, that is just one of its functions, and one which is far less popular than its other uses, and the person who contacted the OP was using the now preferred and usual method of interaction - messaging.

Are you thick or is your AI malfunctioning? If someone doesn't answer your text and you want a response the most logical thing to do (which many don't do) is to phone the person using your phone 🙄

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:05

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 07:04

Are you thick or is your AI malfunctioning? If someone doesn't answer your text and you want a response the most logical thing to do (which many don't do) is to phone the person using your phone 🙄

Are you thick or is English your second language? You made an incorrect statement that we have forgotten the purpose of the phone, and I corrected you in detail and using links to studies.

I'm sorry that seeing a well written and appropriate post sends you into such a spin that you assume it's AI. That's a you problem, however.

Spies · 12/07/2025 07:06

It doesn't seem like it was just work preventing the OP from responding to be honest. She presumably posted this thread when not working and yet still hasn't responded to any of the comments so I wonder if it's just a personality trait rather than a lack of ability to reply.

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:08

Spies · 12/07/2025 07:06

It doesn't seem like it was just work preventing the OP from responding to be honest. She presumably posted this thread when not working and yet still hasn't responded to any of the comments so I wonder if it's just a personality trait rather than a lack of ability to reply.

Indeed, good point.

Not to mention that, as I pointed out, every single person who works gets breaks and every single person including the OP chooses during those breaks whether or not to prioritise replying to texts with a quick "Sounds great will text after work". Anyone claiming they don't have time to do this is, not to put too fine a point on it, lying.

OP chose not to, which is fine, as is the other mother's choice to move on.

minnienono · 12/07/2025 07:09

It’s understandable you didn’t answer but it’s also understandable they made other plans as that’s a few hours

Malvaceae · 12/07/2025 07:09

@nikkkii you’ve done it again! You’re ’too busy’ to read and reply to the responses on this thread.

Every is entitled to believe they are too busy to respond to people, of course. But can you at the same time see it from the perspective of the other person? They are entitled to think you are rude. That’s not ‘unfair’, it’s completely understandable.

TranceNation · 12/07/2025 07:09

I don't know, it doesn't take 30 seconds to type a quick yes/no to that sort of message.

minnienono · 12/07/2025 07:10

Ps I work one day a week in a shop, I can access my phone during breaks and always check it

IglesiasPiggl · 12/07/2025 07:10

It was a short notice, spontaneous invitation that you weren't able to take up this time due to not responding quickly. They were looking to arrange something there and then so found someone else when they didn't hear back. It's no biggie - hopefully next time there will be a bit more time to respond.

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