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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you ever get over being left for OW

113 replies

Humpbackk · 11/07/2025 14:25

And they just head off into the sunset and leave you to pick up all the pieces (kids etc)

OP posts:
Titasaducksarse · 12/07/2025 00:09

I know someone 20 plus years after, still not over it, still on ADs and therapy and even married again to someone else.

MuckFusk · 12/07/2025 00:12

Polistock · 11/07/2025 23:23

@Startoftheyear2025 I plan to hate my ex forever, if it helps. I've also moved on with my life and I'm very happy etc. but I've no plans to forgive him. People say it costs you to carry hate but I feel fine about it, he deserves it.

I don't think it costs you to carry hate. That idea comes from the Christian notion that forgiveness is good for the soul. Why forgive somebody who isn't even sorry? What's good for the soul is getting rid of the scumbag in the first place. I'll never forgive my ex, but I'm indifferent to him, which of course is the opposite of love. To either hate him or forgive him would be using emotional energy that he's not worth.
But I always say go ahead and hate the bastard if it works for you. It's satisfying for a lot of people to hate those who mistreated them.

MuckFusk · 12/07/2025 00:14

SingleAHF · 11/07/2025 23:23

8 years later and I still have crying fits and bouts of despair. No kids involved. Not met anyone else.

Edited

❤️

Migrainesandme · 12/07/2025 00:14

Music helps start with Eamon fuck it on repeat.
Love your self even when you dont want to.
Feel what you feel and allow it.
Remind yourself they are just feelings and one day he will become unimportant to you.
Your worth more and no matter what you will not have him back.

PrawnAgain · 12/07/2025 00:17

I think it depends on the person, how resilient they are in general. Some people go through horrific trauma and come out the other side healed and some don't. This also applies to being left for OW.

MuckFusk · 12/07/2025 00:22

To anyone dealing with this, chumplady.com can help tremendously.
You'll find support, great advice and lots of laughs. Chump Lady deals with the topic in a unique and hilarious way and it's the best place to talk trash about a cheater ever. There are fun activities such as the annual Valentine's Day cheater poetry contest, there's also a book and a podcast. They even had a conference last fall.

Imadeyouup · 12/07/2025 00:37

Its important for everyone here to remember that we didn't ask for this and didn't deserve to be cheated on by some scumbag who decided the grass was greener. We gave our love, bodies, money, time and in lots of cases our mental wellbeing only to be discarded.

It is NOT your fault. You ARE wonderful.

I'm 5 weeks in from total discard after 3 months of hell when I found out but he kept lying.

I was in shock for the first week. I could barely move my legs. The second, third and 4th week I was near wanting to top myself due to grief, pain, probably a bit of envy and intense sadness. The fifth week has been spent trying to sort logistics and that has proved hard since we are no contact and I've had to go through a third party. The separation is now final. I have no reason to encounter him again. In theory he should now be living his best life with the OW and neither of them should be interested in me.

No contact is so very, very hard but after the initial shock and hurt subsides it does get easier. I think that having uncovered (through my own records) the whole thing after he left has given me all the closure and clarity. His deception was purely opportunistic and nothing to do with me despite him trying to spin it the other way.

The only thing I struggle with sometimes is how the man I fell deeply in love with wasn't real. He was a mask. I love the man who he presented so much, yet I can't let this define me. I find myself talking to AI a lot to help me talk things over.

He's done me a favour as I can move on and be with my children. I can breathe and be at peace. In time someone else will enter my life and he will be better for me. I may be emotionally bruised, have no social media, none of our mutual friends have stuck by me but I'm safe and free. Its such an awful shock and my therapy bill is astronomical but it gets easier each day. Our life experiences change us, I will never get over it in the sense that I will never work so hard for a man again. Mentally, I must carry on for my children. They need me much more than I need to be reminded of being discarded.

I hope everyone who needs it finds the peace and strength to get through being cheated on. I have never experienced pain like it, I hope never to again.

MuckFusk · 12/07/2025 00:47

Imadeyouup · 12/07/2025 00:37

Its important for everyone here to remember that we didn't ask for this and didn't deserve to be cheated on by some scumbag who decided the grass was greener. We gave our love, bodies, money, time and in lots of cases our mental wellbeing only to be discarded.

It is NOT your fault. You ARE wonderful.

I'm 5 weeks in from total discard after 3 months of hell when I found out but he kept lying.

I was in shock for the first week. I could barely move my legs. The second, third and 4th week I was near wanting to top myself due to grief, pain, probably a bit of envy and intense sadness. The fifth week has been spent trying to sort logistics and that has proved hard since we are no contact and I've had to go through a third party. The separation is now final. I have no reason to encounter him again. In theory he should now be living his best life with the OW and neither of them should be interested in me.

No contact is so very, very hard but after the initial shock and hurt subsides it does get easier. I think that having uncovered (through my own records) the whole thing after he left has given me all the closure and clarity. His deception was purely opportunistic and nothing to do with me despite him trying to spin it the other way.

The only thing I struggle with sometimes is how the man I fell deeply in love with wasn't real. He was a mask. I love the man who he presented so much, yet I can't let this define me. I find myself talking to AI a lot to help me talk things over.

He's done me a favour as I can move on and be with my children. I can breathe and be at peace. In time someone else will enter my life and he will be better for me. I may be emotionally bruised, have no social media, none of our mutual friends have stuck by me but I'm safe and free. Its such an awful shock and my therapy bill is astronomical but it gets easier each day. Our life experiences change us, I will never get over it in the sense that I will never work so hard for a man again. Mentally, I must carry on for my children. They need me much more than I need to be reminded of being discarded.

I hope everyone who needs it finds the peace and strength to get through being cheated on. I have never experienced pain like it, I hope never to again.

I agree. The only pain that's comparable is the death of somebody close to you.

Catladywithoutacat · 12/07/2025 00:49

Yes you do and the easiest way is to accept you were never meant to be

Catladywithoutacat · 12/07/2025 00:50

And yes I been through this

TourdeFrance25 · 12/07/2025 00:50

cloudtreecarpet · 11/07/2025 23:12

Has it happened to you? It doesn't sound like it?

I don't think you ever properly get over being cheated on in a long marriage or relationship. You move on of course but the scar is there and you don't trust in the same way ever again.

Show quote history

This. That's what I hate the most. The loss of trust in anyone. If HE could do that, anyone could. It changes you.

@Humpbackk as someone else said, you don't really 'get over it' you learn to live along side it. You will xx

ShamrockShenanigans · 12/07/2025 00:52

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2025 18:44

I don’t understand the responses.
if Someone has an affair, then they’re an arsehole.
so why would you either
a) be upset that you are no longer with an arsehole or
b) worry that there’s something wrong with you?

i don’t get it, the problem is clearly them so you’re well rid?

Of course you understand that people can't just turn their emotions off like a tap 🙄

Singleaftermarriage · 12/07/2025 07:13

Happened to me 2 years ago. Lied through his teeth and it took a few weeks to find out the truth. He moved straight in with her. I still haven't met her despite my kids knowing her for a year but I'm not sure I need to. He picks up and drops off. My anger is all about how I have to spend less time with my kids because of him. I cant stand him. He is a useless lump, but I can't forgive taking my time with the kids away.
My biggest issue now is I cannot see any circumstances where I will meet someone else. I have my own house, a good pension etc, so would worry about someone getting their hands on that. I have daughters, and in my job I have heard so many stories about abuse from step dads but also mums putting their partners first, so can't risk that. So in my mid 40s I'm coming to terms with being on my own. I never want to have to look after another man to the point I'm losing myself and I think most men want that. So I'm angry about that. Im angry at my lack of freedom compared to him - I do everything for kids and he is disney dad. BUT I'm glad I dont live with him anymore. He was a deadweight. I would have put up with it for life as family is so important. I just need something in my life that isn't work and kids (I'm out a lot with friends but wish I had a hobby I loved)

TammyJones · 12/07/2025 07:51

Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:03

You don't have to forgive him, people say it will make you feel better but it doesn't always. It would just absolve him of his wrongdoing in my eyes.

Show quote history

I don’t think it does.
he was ‘wrong/ bad’
you forgive but don’t forget, and it’s becomes irrelevant, because you’ve moved on and have grown , made better choices because of it , and are much happier.
They haven’t changed/ learnt anything since and are divorced ( again) and still making bad decisions.
It sad really and you just wish them well.

beadystar · 12/07/2025 11:34

Life moved on, and into different relationships. But I have to say I only ‘got over it’ when I found out he did the same thing to her. Once a cheat, always a cheat, in my book.

Original poster
Humpbackk · 12/07/2025 12:01

I don’t know for sure if he cheated as he always denied it, however they were spending lots of time together as it was his best friends sister. Weekend long festivals etc and I had my doubts, 2 weeks after I ended it they were together

OP posts:
StMarie4me · 12/07/2025 12:03

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2025 18:30

Sorry, but I laughed out loud at your post!

im thrilled. It took me about 1week befire I started doing the happy dance that I’m free and she has to sleep with him. Boak.

Glad you find others’ pain funny…

Notadramallama · 12/07/2025 12:11

It been 8 years since I found out about my partner of 20 years cheating.

I am totally over him (and have a lovely new partner) but will never be over what he did.

MaudieAtkinson · 12/07/2025 12:13

@Imadeyouup
I found your response very moving. Bloody well done on being so balanced only 5 weeks on. Sending you warm respect.

SunnyViper · 12/07/2025 12:15

There is nothing in life I haven’t “got over” or moved on from including death of spouse, death of mother when I was a child, living with an alcoholic father so yes, it’s totally possible to get over this.

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 12/07/2025 12:16

Icanbuymyselfflowers86 · 11/07/2025 18:37

You have to do everything in your power to get over it.

My late MIL never got over it and she died of cancer in her 50’s still heartbroken and bitter, I hate that for her. Life is too short.

If someone leaves you, thank them for showing you who they are and love yourself and move on.

This this this this this.

It's made my mother bitter and nasty. We now no longer speak

You absolutely must work to get over the heartbreak, everything within your power. Do not hold onto it. You don't deserve it.

mummypigoink · 12/07/2025 12:27

I think it depends on your outlook and where you focus on things in life. I’m the fat ugly one who won’t find anyone else while he’s off with her gorgeous OW and everyone gushing how wonderful it is for them both to be so happy.

It doesn’t matter that I can do it all on my own, what everyone sees is the fat single one so I’m the failure.

cloudtreecarpet · 12/07/2025 12:35

I agree that outlook is everything.

When I feel jealous that he has found a younger version of me to spend his free time with I remind myself that he is prioritising a relationship that may not last whereas I prioritise my relationship with my kids & that will last a lifetime.

Thatslife234 · 12/07/2025 12:39

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2025 18:44

I don’t understand the responses.
if Someone has an affair, then they’re an arsehole.
so why would you either
a) be upset that you are no longer with an arsehole or
b) worry that there’s something wrong with you?

i don’t get it, the problem is clearly them so you’re well rid?

Do you have ANY experience at all? Obviously you don't just stop loving someone! Never experienced this just heartbreak but even that was enough!

Blanketenvy · 12/07/2025 12:46

2 years in and no, I still feel really hurt. Not so much because the relationship is over, I totally understand that it was done. Just the lack of honestly and care he showed over how he went about ending things. It's just totally gutting and makes me question everything. We were rubbish at being romantic partners but we were always really kind and good to each other.