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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if you ever get over being left for OW

113 replies

Humpbackk · 11/07/2025 14:25

And they just head off into the sunset and leave you to pick up all the pieces (kids etc)

OP posts:
3luckystars · 11/07/2025 22:45

@CuteOrangeElephant what a waste of your mothers life. Your dad just did what he wanted and don’t think too much, the women in his life thought too much. I read holding on to anger like that is like holding on to burning coal, it just hurts you.

And for the original response, I enjoyed that and thought it was in good spirits. It was lovely to see and optimistic and positive reply first. It made me laugh too. Thanks x

Startoftheyear2025 · 11/07/2025 22:52

Interesting thread. I empathise with the women who couldn’t let go of their anger. I have moved on, I have a fulfilling life and had a meaningful relationship with a new man which has only ended recently (amicably). But I still hate my ex deeply. Is that bad? Moving on doesn’t have to mean forgiving him. He treated me terribly. He was selfish and thoughtless and still is. Many years on. I will mull on the previous posts but as things stand I can’t see myself ever forgiving him.

JudithOnHolidayAgain · 11/07/2025 22:54

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2025 18:30

Sorry, but I laughed out loud at your post!

im thrilled. It took me about 1week befire I started doing the happy dance that I’m free and she has to sleep with him. Boak.

Me too......I soon realised I was better off.
She was welcome to him!!!

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 11/07/2025 22:54

Most cheaters have all sorts of other issues as a life partner. Not pulling their weight etc. You don’t have to put up with him any more, or his sneaking around.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 11/07/2025 22:54

I'm about six weeks in I think and I'm often positive and ok now. I keep repeating something I read - this is who I'm sad about? I repeat that to myself whenever I start to feel nostalgic - that's the other thing that has really comforted me; that a lot of my sadness comes from nostalgia, from what it was (or I thought it was) not what it actually was. He didn't love me anymore, that was gone, and frankly I am now old enough and wise enough to know that the kind of man who would do that to his family is just not a man I want in my life.

Taking control helps - getting a job, sorting child care, washing the car myself (he would never have done that but did take it to the car wash for me!!) I think there will always be a scar there, and as long as they are together that scar will ache, but fuck me she's welcome to the spineless shit. I wouldn't want him back, not him. I wish he had carried on loving me like he did, but then actually I think, he didn't love me enough anyway. I don't think he is capable of the kind of love I want. I keep making myself think positively, I talk to myself nicely, and I breathe a lot.

You've got this OP, don't let it eat you up. He's a shit man making shit choices and so is she - hence the choice of a very shit man! Anyone who actively chooses a man who has such awful morals is not a stable and happy individual, not really.

samplesalequeen · 11/07/2025 22:56

BookishBabe · 11/07/2025 18:38

Solidarity.

17 days in here.
I feel worse. I think i was in shock and angry for the first week.
Now I'm sad and lonely and just feel so rejected.
16 years, gone. The memories are thick and fast for me, not so much for him while he enjoys himself in someone else's house and bed and arms.

FWIW (I’ve never been left nor have I been the other woman) hold your head high. Your DH is a scumbag and the OW is a tramp.

sending love and hugs. It’s grief but like all grief it will pass in time.

Kalettesarethebest · 11/07/2025 22:58

10 years post ow and couldn’t be happier. They’re getting divorced, I’m living with a nice man

Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:01

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2025 18:44

I don’t understand the responses.
if Someone has an affair, then they’re an arsehole.
so why would you either
a) be upset that you are no longer with an arsehole or
b) worry that there’s something wrong with you?

i don’t get it, the problem is clearly them so you’re well rid?

How can you possibly not understand?

If my husband left me for another woman tomorrow I would be beyond devastated. Not only do I love him but he is also my best friend, I tell him everything and I've got the rest of our lives planned out in my head. If he just upped and left and moved straight in with another woman it wouldn't be possible for me to just shrug my shoulders and crack on, my entire life would be turned upside down

Denimrules · 11/07/2025 23:02

I was jilted over 30 years ago if that counts. It changed me forever, made me more cynical but I was lucky enough to marry a much better man, the DH

Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:03

Startoftheyear2025 · 11/07/2025 22:52

Interesting thread. I empathise with the women who couldn’t let go of their anger. I have moved on, I have a fulfilling life and had a meaningful relationship with a new man which has only ended recently (amicably). But I still hate my ex deeply. Is that bad? Moving on doesn’t have to mean forgiving him. He treated me terribly. He was selfish and thoughtless and still is. Many years on. I will mull on the previous posts but as things stand I can’t see myself ever forgiving him.

You don't have to forgive him, people say it will make you feel better but it doesn't always. It would just absolve him of his wrongdoing in my eyes.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/07/2025 23:04

Soidarity. I have PTSD. That takes a while to deal with.

vipersnest1 · 11/07/2025 23:10

I don’t feel like my divorce is any great loss - he was a cowardly, lying, cheating arsehole who was also a gaslighting narcissist.
But, I have also realised that I am now afraid of making a man angry with me. (I always had to make arrangements from takeaways to holidays and there was always something he found to criticise.)
I would love to meet a man who will be loving and want to take care of me but time is running out.
I have learnt to be independent and try to be happy with the things in my life that bring me joy.
Finding someone to be with in the later years of my life would be a bonus, but I’m not counting on it.

Sparklesandbananas · 11/07/2025 23:11

Years later and a lot of working on myself I don’t miss him one bit. I pity him jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend. I have moved on and don’t want him anywhere near me. Took me nearly 7 years to realise I gained freedom and happiness. Sending hugs. You will get there eventually! Grieve and move on. Be kind to yourself. It hurts so much it’s painful but good things are coming your way. The storm will pass.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/07/2025 23:12

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2025 18:44

I don’t understand the responses.
if Someone has an affair, then they’re an arsehole.
so why would you either
a) be upset that you are no longer with an arsehole or
b) worry that there’s something wrong with you?

i don’t get it, the problem is clearly them so you’re well rid?

You clearly haven’t walked a mile in my shoes.

cloudtreecarpet · 11/07/2025 23:12

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2025 18:44

I don’t understand the responses.
if Someone has an affair, then they’re an arsehole.
so why would you either
a) be upset that you are no longer with an arsehole or
b) worry that there’s something wrong with you?

i don’t get it, the problem is clearly them so you’re well rid?

Has it happened to you? It doesn't sound like it?

I don't think you ever properly get over being cheated on in a long marriage or relationship. You move on of course but the scar is there and you don't trust in the same way ever again.

Polistock · 11/07/2025 23:23

@Startoftheyear2025 I plan to hate my ex forever, if it helps. I've also moved on with my life and I'm very happy etc. but I've no plans to forgive him. People say it costs you to carry hate but I feel fine about it, he deserves it.

SingleAHF · 11/07/2025 23:23

8 years later and I still have crying fits and bouts of despair. No kids involved. Not met anyone else.

Tlittle · 11/07/2025 23:26

I was suddenly left for another six months ago. She knew he was with someone so I don't think much of either of them although I got told she has dumped him already. Lol.
I felt awful, but now feel bloody great, I have lost weight, am sleeping much better and socialising more, finding me again.
It must be worse if married or have kids together which thankfully we didn't. You do get over it because it just shows how weak minded he is and how much better you are then him.

charabang · 11/07/2025 23:47

I have two failed marriages due to 2 x EXHs infidelities 27 years and 6 years ago. I have got over both and I'm not bitter as time has given me perspective and I can reflect on why they went so wrong. But it changed me. I have no faith in my own judgement, a worry that I was not good enough and financially less secure. What I have gained is peace but that is at the expense of coming to terms with not being able to invest in another relationship and I do feel sad about that.

MellowPinkDeer · 11/07/2025 23:52

The best revenge is to thrive. That is all .

TourdeFrance25 · 11/07/2025 23:54

alcoholnightmare · 11/07/2025 18:51

You LAUGHED OUT LOUD? What a really horrible response.

She laughed at how quickly SHE 'got over it' NOT at the OP being cheated on.

🙄

Tink3rbell30 · 11/07/2025 23:56

No I don't think you do unless something happens like him and OH don't work out and he ends up alone with nothing, OW cheats on him, he cheats on her etc. If all seems all happy happy then you'd feel left behind questioning what's wrong with you and why you were cast aside.

TourdeFrance25 · 11/07/2025 23:57

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/07/2025 23:12

You clearly haven’t walked a mile in my shoes.

Clearly not huh!

MidnightMeltdown · 12/07/2025 00:03

This is partly why I’ve never believed in marriage. I don’t think that you can promise to love someone forever. People grow and change so much throughout their lives, virtually everyone I know who married young, divorced in their 40s. People who get married expecting to be with the same person forever are usually setting themselves up for disappointment. It rarely seems to work out that way these days.

MidnightMeltdown · 12/07/2025 00:07

LakieLady · 11/07/2025 18:57

My friend's lovely mum never got over it, and she lived till she was 90. She referred to her ex as "that bastard" and the OW as "that bitch" to her dying day.

She was in her 30s when "that bastard" left her for his secretary, so she kept it up for over 50 years.

What a waste. She was still young in her 30s and could have moved in and had a life with someone else.