To wonder if you ever get over being left for OW

[Humpbackk]

And they just head off into the sunset and leave you to pick up all the pieces (kids etc)

I've been left twice. One was decades ago and I'm still not completely over it. But as pp you learn to live with it. I think the only time I "got over it" was when I met someone else that I fell in love with but when he left me (the second time I've been left) the feelings from being left the first time came back and they have lingered many years later.

For me I think it will only go away if I meet someone else that's amazing (I've dated since but none turned serious) to make me "forget" the pain of being left before. I'm old and ugly now, so that won't happen so I just get on with it and live with the pain. 😂

You don't necessarily think they cheated because there's something wrong with you but it's common to wonder how you were so wrong in your assessment of them. You doubt your own judgement.

Ah, that makes more sense. I think I think more literally/black & white than others, given the response to my taking the op literally.

Eventually you come to accept things. It's all fair and we'll saying you're shot of him and you skip off in the future without them.
But it's more accepting that you were so badly let down by someone you had so much trust in.

In my experience, yes you can get over the betrayal, but chances are you will not ever have that same level of trust.

I hope you are okay OP.

My mother-in-law did, but it took a long time. In-laws are now very friendly and we all have big family events together, it's wonderful for DH. It took a long time though, and my impression is that she essentially let go of all the negative memories. He didn't apologise, he didn't see what an arse he'd been, there was no big reconciliation talk. She just seemed to let it all go one day.

There comes a day when you just don't care or give it a thought. Mine did me the biggest favour ever, I didn't think it at the time. He had to step up take a share of the kids who he'd never shown much interest in tbh. He eventually split from ap, apparently he could live without her after all!!

Did I ever get over it?

Yes!

I was devastated at the time, got signed off work. He went off with secretary. Wallowed in self pity for a few weeks then decided that was enough of that and I have the rest of my life ahead of me and it's waiting for me to join in.

That isn't to say I didn't have moments of being upset or worried, because I did, probably for about 12 months. But it became less and less and 18 months later I was in a new job and earning more. It was a much longer commute and so I probably wouldn't have considered it if I was still with ex-H. I had my own place and was enjoying being single.

There were no kids involved, which I accept did help matters.

My mil was bitter 50 years on … what a waste…

My mum never did. She was bitter and angry about it for 50 years afterwards.

Ah, gotcha.

So after you've put your everything into a relationship, a marriage, building a home, paying the mortgage for your life together, choosing the other half that your children will be, living and tailoring your life building towards a joint future for your family.... He turns round and says "I'm leaving you for Sandra at the office" and the obvious response is "Why would I be sad? He's obviously an arsehole, so that's that"

Wake the fuck up. People lose homes, families, full custody of their children, finances, their expected future. It's not ok because "well he's a dickhead though."

I have women at my charity, in food crisis, fuel crisis, housing crisis because they've been left high and dry with all the children. I'll just ask them why they're sad shall I?

Then there's the known abuse, gaslighting, and all that hideousness that tends to go hand in hand with affairs and their cover ups. Slowly chipping at someone's mental state, making them think they're going crazy. But it's ok, move on, because it turns out "he's an arsehole"

I’ve got a friend like that. She’s kept it up for over 40 years too. I just think it’s sad. She could have had years of a lovely new relationship if she wasn’t so bitter.

We said @HopscotchBanana. I truly think @arethereanyleftatallis a thoughtless knob

Exactly what happened to my friend poverty wise. Ex planned everything. Took out second mortgage on house. Didn't pay the tax bills or the vat bills.Didnt make the car payments Emptied every account and fled abroad with the OW.

She was brassic. Friends rallied round with food. She sold furniture. Dealt with the tax man etc. it was absolute hell.

She went to stay with a friend in the USA and slowly rebuilt her life there. Her health was never the same and her trusting nature was gone.

30 years with a very special man who adores her have helped. But she's had some dark times over the years.

Actually, no it isn’t. OP you I was also very soon glad to see the back of cheating/ nasty ex.

Of course you can not switch off emotions, but you absolutely can make the choice that this will not ruin you. Make that choice.

😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣 this made me LAUGH

Wonderful post.

Perhaps you're missing an empathy microchip?
I'd explain it, but without the ability to empathize with people who don't see things the way you do, you probably wouldn't understand the explanation either.

You definitely can. The hard thing is that whether you do or not is completely in your hands ♥️🫂

It sort of depends what you mean by get over it.

I am now pleased the OW came along as that’s the only reason he would have left as he wouldn’t have wanted to be alone and we’d have been miserable (I know I could have left but I wouldn’t have done).

I am much happier in my relationship now.

But I am still damaged by the lies he told. I find it much harder to trust now.

His actions still annoy me at times so I can’t be ambivalent. If we didn’t have DC then I would never have had to have any interactions again but having DC can tie you together for life.

I’m sorry you are going through this and usually it does get better. Life is short so you have to make the best of the hand you are drawn.

You do get over it OP. It takes a while to process it. It’s not a simple getting-better process, lots of ups and downs. But time really does heal things. For me, it took 3 and a half years to get over it. Relationship had been 20 years. Lots of those 3 and a half years had happy parts but I was fundamentally unstable and worried if I would ever feel safe and stable again. I can assure you these frightening feelings will pass. You will be fine. Hold tight to your children, caring for them kept me strong. I hope you have good friends and family.

I found it relatively 'easy' in that I just lost all love and respect for my then OH the second he went down that path. And I almost feel sorry for any woman who knowingly hooks up with a married man (because clearly you have no sense / self-respect??? Why do want a bloke with proven form for lies and sexual incontinence?). But I'm 100% unapologetically judgey about cheaters & their partners😂

Some people have read the op a different way to me.

I read it as a question inviting responses of own experiences.

Thus I gave mine. My experience has been overwhelmingly positive following my ex having an affair. I prefer being single. I don’t have money worries. He’s been a great coparent. My kids are happy. No, I am not remotely upset that he is with the ow. In fact, I feel a bit sorry for them both, they’re not remotely suited.

i thought sharing positive stories is what the op wanted/needed to hear.

others read the op differently. They read it as a desire for solidarity, inviting only responses from those who haven’t experienced it positively.

I don’t doubt for one second that for some, their husband having an affair and leaving is horrible. That’s obvious. That’s not the question I thought I was responding to.

I did miss one bit of the op though, for which I apologise, but it was because my instant thought was ‘god, I’m so happy he did’ that I rushed to respond. The bit I missed was ‘he left for the OW. ‘ For me, I initiated our split on finding out. That’s maybe different, but I think I would have seen the bright side of it fairly swiftly either way, I always do.

Being cheated on after years of marriage when you thought you would be with someone forever, you don't just get over it because your ex is an arsehole.

My mother never got over it. She is still extremely bitter about it all twenty years on, never found anyone else and my father is still a favourite topic of conversation.

My father proceeded to get married again (not to the OW!), and cheated on his second wife and fathered a secret child. They are now also divorced.

My mother and his second wife have now started to have regular meetups. They are both still furious, and whilst I do think they have every right to be very angry at my father, I don't think this is healthy for either of them.

It has ruined my mother's life.

10 months in, currently and I'm shoving him into less and less brain space. 30+ years.