Argh my ex is damaging my son should I say goodbye

[Sandydee1991]

My ex is an arse.
We spilt in February, were together 8 years we share a almost 5 year old son.
I had emotional abuse throughout the 8 years, although the first 2 years I ignored a lot of what was happening red flags were flying I ran into them.
Anyway we spilt in February because he admitted he found someone else, he told me in June she was 7 weeks pregnant and keeping baby, she has a 3 year old DD already.

He has always been bad with letting me down and our son, saying one thing and then doing the opposite, playing games with money I think I was financially abused as well when I look back, tbh there's been so much I think I've blacked out most of it, my therapist said it was trauma and my brain is protecting myself.

We had an arrangement, he would see our son 3 Saturdays a month from 11-6.30 and he would call my son every 2 nights (facetime) he stuck to this then in may, he just stopped, no calls no reason why, just stopped calling. If I called him he would say things like "stop bothering me, your a pest" and "what do you want"
I tried to set up medation, he told me to "fuck off, he's not doing it"
He moved into her home 2 weeks ago (his dad told me)
Anyway my son hasn't seen him since 3rd May, he didn't turn up for the other contact sessions.
I still speak to his mother, we will never be best friends but we have a relationship, and I told her that my son has his graduation ceremony on Wednesday at nursery. My ex called me and said he would be there, I said that was fine told him the time. He spoke to my son and told him he will see him on Wednesday at the party and they will go for food/ice cream after. He then told him that he was going to have a baby brother or sister - my son didn't really register this and I didn't think it was wise to tell him over the phone when he hasn't seen him for 2 months.
Anyway my son was ecstatic that he was going to see his dad. Yesterday morning he was so happy.
I didn't call my ex until 2.20 to see if he was on his way as I hadn't heard from him, he wasn't he was at home, the ceremony started at 3.00 it takes just over an hour to get to where we live, I'm SW London he is in East London now. I told him he would be late and asked why? He told me "don't question me, and I'll see xxx later" and put the phone down.

I turned up to the ceremony on my own, when I got there and my son came out in his gown and cap and could see all his friends parents but just me on my own, he shouted out "where's daddy" and burst into tears.

Obviously this was really distressing, myself and his key worker took him into another room as he was in floods of tears and kept saying "daddy likes the baby better than me" and "daddy isn't my friend"
It took 20 mins to calm him down ans needless to say he didn't want to join in and sing the songs we have been practicing all week. It was heartbreaking.

I text my ex at 4.30 to ask where he was, he didn't reply so I called twice he didn't answer.
I text his mum, she tried to contact him and said he wasn't answering her.
So I left it, we went to my parents home and has a graduation meal and then went home
At 9.00 last night I got a text from him saying "I'm sorry I'll take him swimming on Sunday" nothing else.
Again he didn't reply to my message that I sent to him, ignored me.
I tried to call him today, and again he ignored me

I've had this behaviour on/off for years but since may he's ramped it up.
My son has become very clingy, thinks I'm going to leave him, has behavioural problems and latches on to my brother when ever he sees him.

My son's key worker at nursery has said to me this morning "when are you going to drop the rope, this will get worse when the baby comes"

Should I just stop contact, he will never take me to court, he's already expressed that.
Or should I keep giving him chances?
Oh he didn't turn up to parents evening in April nor did he come to our son's first karate showcase in march. Just didn't turn up
Please help

I don't think he really cares. I saw something awhile back on here - a man's relationship with his children is based on his relationship with the mother.
Seems he has no respect for you if he was abusive.
Drop the rope, let him make the effort.
I wouldn't call or notify him of anything anymore.

I agree with the key worker. You can’t force your ex to have a relationship. Your poor DS. I just wouldn’t contact him from now on. Some men are absolute scum.

Yes I've heard that before. He treated me like shit and still continues to do so.
I'm just heartbroken for my son. It feels like no one cares.

Claim cms and never contact him again.

He is a fucking deadbeat. Give it a couple of years and his new gf will have dumped his sorry arse...

Keep a diary of everything. Keep a paper trail of all communication - I’d suggest email only rather than texting and calling. Don’t chase if he doesn’t turn up; just record it in your diary. It’s also not your job to be a secretary - if your ex wants to be involved, as long as you have informed him about where he goes to nursery/school, your ex is more than capable of looking on the website to find out when events are and organising his own attendance. Consistency and routine are important for making children feel safe and secure. If your ex isn’t providing that and openly admits he’s not bothered enough to go to mediation, your only responsibility is to act in your child’s best interests and ensure that they have consistency, even if that means they don’t see their father.

For what it’s worth, my exh messed around constantly and then stopped bothering at all. My dc (now grownup) would tell you they don’t miss him or care about him at all. They’re not even angry - he is that irrelevant to them. I provided consistency and security and we just got on with our lives. They have friends who have also had no contact from their fathers for years and they feel the same way. I was far more worried (because my dad is great and I was sad that my dc didn’t have that) but dc didn’t know what having a good father was, so haven’t felt any sense of loss.

Total cunt.

Don't contact him any more. I know that's so hard to accept.

Claim Child Maintenance.

Do claim Child Maintenance, if you're not doing so already.

While his dad doesn't seem to have much form for keeping to promises and appointments, do his parents show an interest in your son? If so, and they respect you and are good for you both, please don't cut them off just because their son is a no-show.

Good luck, OP!

As he's so unreliable then don't set your son up for disappointment.

If your ex asks to see him then don't announce it. An hour before just get some stuff together and if he actually turns up then you can say "ohhh daddy's here to take you out. Won't that be fun?".

I wouldn't bother pushing it if he can't be bothered. He needs stability.

@MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress this is what I said to his mother today, I will do what is necessary to protect my child from all this inconsistency, even if that means cutting his father out. I don't know what I expected her to say back, but she said nothing. As long as she sees my son, she doesn't care.
It sounds so bad when I write and read it back but I can't live my life like this and neither can my son.

@TheeNotoriousPIG his dad is a functioning alcoholic, he isn't allowed to see his DD children (my ex's half sister) he lives 20 mins from me, so if I see him in passing then we say hello and a little chat but that's it.

His mum and step dad are vile, he grew up in a awful toxic household. She didn't see my son for 18 months once because, well just because.
She has only started to pay interest since we spilt, she came more on the scene since April.
My son sees her once a month, she doesn't listen to what I say and I don't expect her to bad mouth her son to me, but she doesn't seem to back me on these issues.
I don't really trust her, but I'm not going to cut her off completely

@MyCyanReader I said that to him when he spoke to him and said he was coming, don't say something if you have no intention of coming, he swore he would
It's no way to live really, he just dropped our son out in may, just stopped I have no idea why and noone seems to question him.

Luckily for me, I'm secure financially so I can cope without his measly £130 a month he sometimes gives, but I will set up CMS my son deserves that money, especially now another baby will be here soonish

I know everything you do, the calls, th3 messages, the reminders, all of it, was for you son.
However you can't change dad.
Don't mention any plans to your son, if he asks specifics then I use replies like 'I'm not sure but daddy has all of the information', 'or that is daddy's choice', I also have a few backups games to plan when contact doesn't happen as a distraction.
Tell your son his feelings are valid, remind him when he will see you next, remind him when emotions are calm that you aren't going anywhere, you always come back, that he is so easy to love, that you'll never stop loving him. These phrases have really helped my 6 year old.

Now, kindly, stop forcing contact. No more texts or reminders. Let dad be the worthless person he is. I know if hurts your son, validate his emotions, but as you say- dad won't take you to court, and this lack of contact and missed contact is the exact reason you're stopping pushing, so you'd just explain that. Let dad do what he wants, and if he gets in contact and it isn't convenient then say no, provide an alternative date. Ge want respond.
Feel for you both.

I think that he’s showing that he doesn’t care. I wouldn’t be pursing contacting him and leave it up to him to make the effort. If he says he’s going to see your son then maybe don’t mention it to your son and if he actually shows up then great and if he doesn’t then he won’t be so hurt by it. Focus on reassuring him that you’ll always be there for him and forget the loser dad.

Just stop contacting him, honestly don't give him the power.
I'm pretty sure the moment you do stop, you'll feel better and can help your son better.

He will never ever change the new GF will find out soon, pregnant so early in a relationship with a deadbeat! I'm sure everyone has fingers and toes crossed for that relationship.

Everything your doing is for your son, clearly he's your priority - he isn't a priority for your son, it's hard to except but it's the truth.

Good luck xxx

Oh, dear, OP! It sounds like a bit of a tricky family situation.

In that case, I just hope that your side of the family is full of good examples, who will love and care for both you and your son.

As your son grows older, though, you will need to explain to him why his dad treats you both the way that he does. Do it in age-appropriate ways and stages, and just remember that he might choose to try to contact his dad when he is older. Just be there to support him, and I hope that your family will do the same. Let's hope that your son grows up to be a better parent than his dad!

@Sandydee1991 dont ever make a promise to your child regarding his father!!! no visiting with his father's parents either. they will always be on their son's side in the end. go for maintenance. he can do what he likes. just love your son. dont let the father back into your home, this is not where he lives now so he is not entitled to enter. he can collect at the garden gate. dont mention the father to the child and dont mention about any swimming either. just prepare a bag and keep it in your room on the off chance his dad actually puts in an appearance.

@BookArt55 my son is my works, everything is for him and I wanted my ex to be part of his life even though we aren't together anymore

But your advice is so right, I reassure my son every day that I love him and will never leave him, he knows I'll always come to collect from nursery or his friends houses - I'm his one source of stability, that will never ever change.

It's just so so sad that he's doing this to him, I often wonder - what has he done to deserve this?

This sounds awful. I'm sorry your son is going through this. I have never been in your position but I would cut contact. You son will be wondering or asking about his father for a while but soon it will be the new normal for both of you.

It's good that you're still seeing his mum-if she loves your son/her grandson, this will be very important for him. Too many people always blame a man's mum if he is a bad dad, but it's not always a parent's fault (some great parents have kids that grow up to do bad things, and there are some awful parents whose kids grow up to be lovely people)-always the mum that gets the blame though. I hope she, and other people, can help love and support you and your boy.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld funny you said that, the last time he was here he barged his way into my home. I asked him to leave and he sat in my home for an hour before taking our son out, eating my food and telling me that "he has no feelings for me anymore"

I'm not promising anything to anyone. None of my family think he should be in my son's life or his family, they don't think they are any good.
I've given chance after chance and I know they will never be on my side, but it's not about sides it's about a 5 year old little boy

I think you need to formalise some kind of CAO. I would get something in writing that confirms that you son lives with you and has no contact with dad. He could disappear into the ether now, but if when his new relationship goes south, there’s nothing to stop him just waltzing back into your sons life, which I suspect he would likely do to assert control and try and involve himself in your life again. Without an order, he could rock up to the nursery at any time and just take him out and they can’t stop him. My child’s school has a copy of our CAO which ensures that my ex can never do that.

The sad truth is that some men are only interested in their own children when they are in a sexual relationship with the mother. No sex, no interest in the kid.

Other men are only involved with their dc because they use their children as a tool to continue to control their ex.

Walk away @Sandydee1991

Your ex is damaging your little boy, stop contact for goodness sake! Stop trying so hard to encourage a relationship that will only hurt your son, why are you encouraging your ex’s mother to visit and badmouthing her son? You said she was vile, you don’t want your son near people like that. You are the only one your son can trust and rely on, so walk away from that toxic family.

My daughters "dad" was like this. Abusive, controlling and actually just not a nice person. He let her down time and time again. You are going to be there for your son and cheer so loud he won't even notice his dad isn't there in the end. You've dodged a bullet and your son gets to grow up learning to respect women now and will do just fine! Stay strong xx

He’s an absolute arsehole. I’d ask his key worker to make sure they have documented what happened that day and the distress your son was in in case you need it for evidence down the line. If I were you I wouldn’t contact him again. I might even change my my phone number. See how much effort he puts into making and arranging contact. Your dc deserves better.