Argh my ex is damaging my son should I say goodbye

[Sandydee1991]

My ex is an arse.
We spilt in February, were together 8 years we share a almost 5 year old son.
I had emotional abuse throughout the 8 years, although the first 2 years I ignored a lot of what was happening red flags were flying I ran into them.
Anyway we spilt in February because he admitted he found someone else, he told me in June she was 7 weeks pregnant and keeping baby, she has a 3 year old DD already.

He has always been bad with letting me down and our son, saying one thing and then doing the opposite, playing games with money I think I was financially abused as well when I look back, tbh there's been so much I think I've blacked out most of it, my therapist said it was trauma and my brain is protecting myself.

We had an arrangement, he would see our son 3 Saturdays a month from 11-6.30 and he would call my son every 2 nights (facetime) he stuck to this then in may, he just stopped, no calls no reason why, just stopped calling. If I called him he would say things like "stop bothering me, your a pest" and "what do you want"
I tried to set up medation, he told me to "fuck off, he's not doing it"
He moved into her home 2 weeks ago (his dad told me)
Anyway my son hasn't seen him since 3rd May, he didn't turn up for the other contact sessions.
I still speak to his mother, we will never be best friends but we have a relationship, and I told her that my son has his graduation ceremony on Wednesday at nursery. My ex called me and said he would be there, I said that was fine told him the time. He spoke to my son and told him he will see him on Wednesday at the party and they will go for food/ice cream after. He then told him that he was going to have a baby brother or sister - my son didn't really register this and I didn't think it was wise to tell him over the phone when he hasn't seen him for 2 months.
Anyway my son was ecstatic that he was going to see his dad. Yesterday morning he was so happy.
I didn't call my ex until 2.20 to see if he was on his way as I hadn't heard from him, he wasn't he was at home, the ceremony started at 3.00 it takes just over an hour to get to where we live, I'm SW London he is in East London now. I told him he would be late and asked why? He told me "don't question me, and I'll see xxx later" and put the phone down.

I turned up to the ceremony on my own, when I got there and my son came out in his gown and cap and could see all his friends parents but just me on my own, he shouted out "where's daddy" and burst into tears.

Obviously this was really distressing, myself and his key worker took him into another room as he was in floods of tears and kept saying "daddy likes the baby better than me" and "daddy isn't my friend"
It took 20 mins to calm him down ans needless to say he didn't want to join in and sing the songs we have been practicing all week. It was heartbreaking.

I text my ex at 4.30 to ask where he was, he didn't reply so I called twice he didn't answer.
I text his mum, she tried to contact him and said he wasn't answering her.
So I left it, we went to my parents home and has a graduation meal and then went home
At 9.00 last night I got a text from him saying "I'm sorry I'll take him swimming on Sunday" nothing else.
Again he didn't reply to my message that I sent to him, ignored me.
I tried to call him today, and again he ignored me

I've had this behaviour on/off for years but since may he's ramped it up.
My son has become very clingy, thinks I'm going to leave him, has behavioural problems and latches on to my brother when ever he sees him.

My son's key worker at nursery has said to me this morning "when are you going to drop the rope, this will get worse when the baby comes"

Should I just stop contact, he will never take me to court, he's already expressed that.
Or should I keep giving him chances?
Oh he didn't turn up to parents evening in April nor did he come to our son's first karate showcase in march. Just didn't turn up
Please help

Having one of those nights where I canny sleep.
@Sandydee1991 I wouldn't bother with court, this jerk wouldn't bother to attend, a waste of your time and energy.
Don't contact for nothing, live your life as if he no longer exists I doubt your son even comes into his mind throughout the day and I guarantee you he's fast asleep right now, sleeping like a baby.
He's wrapped up in his own world, he's told you he's got a new family, take notice of that, that is he priority he hasn't mentioned about making your son a part of that family, it's about HIM.
He's selfish OP and that will never change, sounds like that toxic household he was brought up in has made it's mark.
I wouldn't allow my child around the GM personally, I think you would be in your rights to cut them all off once a shiny new GC comes her way, one where she has access when and how she wants, she took will say goodbye to your son.
Wouldn't surprise me if they were all narcissists.
I really do wish you luck I know it's hard but once your son starts school you can build a network of other single mum's and you'll find things a little easier

Document all of it. Write down the dates and summaries of his refusals to see son and of son's heartbreak. Keep all the texts and emails that prove it. Make no more efforts to get him to see your son and initiate no contact. DS already knows his father doesn't love him and he's right about that. Get him some therapy to help deal with it.
You need to use all of this to get sole custody. This asshole is not going to ever give a shit about your DS. Accept that and move on with your life. Help your son to do the same. He is ultimately better off without a person this toxic in his life.

I would block him after this. Enough is enough. Is there any chance you can move somewhere else and not tell him or his family where?
This prick is using DS to mess with you. It's all about exerting control over you and "winning." He knows he has no intention of seeing DS. He's just enjoying screwing up your life. Sick bastard.

Drop the rope. Let him take you to court for contact.

I'm 12 years down this road. I just stopped telling him things and moved to email only. Not seen him since. Every couple of years he asks to see them, I always say yes, ne has never showed. The kids are now 13 and 15.
You have to stop now, your DS and you need this uncertainty to stop. It gets easier, the anger and disappointment lessens over time. It's hard, but you can not make him be a part of her life.

I’m so so sorry for your little boy being upset.

You’re right to drop the rope now. No hanging around to cater to his whims. Hopefully your little boy is young enough to forget him. And get maintenance on collect and pay so it comes from his wages.

You've done the right thing with contact today. My advice would be to leave the house today because he may show up, become angry, and you don't want your child witnessing that.
Have you got a ring doorbell?
Could you speak to your neighbours and say if they hear shouting, banging, etc, to call the police? Not just today but at any point.
With friends and family tell them a code word, if you call or text them that code word they must call the police immediately.
If he shows up, don't answer the door. Just call the police if he doesn't leave or is shouting, etc.
You've made a great step today, however him losing control means he won't be happy so putting these measures into place will help you. If your son goes to nursery then inform them also.
You're doing the right thing, enjoy your day together. You both deserve better than that waste of space.

Be careful how you speak about his dad in front of him. If you disrespect him he will take that as a personal blow to his self esteem because it’s still his dad. So rather than him hearing that he’s a shit dad and doesn’t care about seeing his son let him hear how he didn’t learn how to be a good dad because his mum & dad didn’t show him.

My mum used to bang on and on about how our dad didn’t care about us, how he prioritised his new family etc. Big dramas about how he didn’t send an 18th birthday card to my sister. Heard her on the phone to friends slagging him off constantly while simultaneously watching my sister starve herself until she had to be hospitalised.

Stop the attempts to reach out but be careful of your words. They’re so powerful.

Respect to you for keeping contact with his mum.

Drop the rope and don't feel guilty.

Your son is in excellent company, there are lots of children being brought up by fantastic mothers who love them to pieces, prioritise their wellbeing and put them first while unfortunately their fathers are unable or unwilling to step up in any way.

You have not let your son down in any way and he will be fine. At the moment, his father is not adding anything to his life but is a source of confusion and upset to him.

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary I never speak bad in front of my son about his dad, in fact I don't really mention him.
If I do slag him off, it's when he's at nursery, at a playdate completely out of earshot.

I don't mention my ex's gf either, when he was told about the baby I just said to my son "are you excited" he said yes, but then said "I'm sad mummy" I asked why and he said "because it's not your baby" I reassured him it was still a positive and moved in with our day.
My ex claims that he was damaged by his father, when at his father's house he would slag off my ex's mother and send him home in tears, his mother didn't stop contact, she carried on sending him to get this emotional abuse.
My ex is a messed up man, I will not do the above to my son.
Thank you though

@Sandydee1991 change your plans. take your child out now and dont message or phone your ex to let him know!!! he does not deserve prior information. he will only give what he wants not what your child wants and most certainly not what you want ever!¬ just block his messages after telling him to email only, nothing else.

@BookArt55 thank you, but he won't turn up. He has stated already that "I live so far" yes I do live far from him, however he was the person who moved not me.

Since may he has never turned up announced, he has said a few times in the limited conversations we've had "I've got a new family now" I honestly do not believe he will come to my home to cause trouble, he knows if he does then the police would be called, I have no loyalty to him but to my son to keep us safe.

I do have a ring doorbell though, and I am planning on taking my son out at 11.30 so if he does turn up we won't be at home. But I guarantee he won't.
He hasn't even asked for a picture of his son's graduation, nothing.

@Lolo2000 yep, he's selfish to the core, everything has and was been about him and his needs. I have no idea how long he was cheating on me for but I think it was going on since September last year, wasn't until February that he admitted it and moved out the same day, and told me he was in a relationship.

I'm not going to apply to courts, I'm just going to move home and not tell him, it will be months before he even asks.
Thank you

You take your son swimming yourself, how is your ex getting in touch with you? You changed your number? Block him, stop allowing him to dictate and let down your boy! Take your boy out and enjoy swimming instead of feeling like a victim.

@MuckFusk his mum has never been to my home, she doesn't know where I live. Looking back my ex used to say things I didn't say to his mum and make me look bad, almost isolate me and that caused a big wedge between us, the relationship was never repaired.
We talk for my son's sake and that's it. So if I was to move, no one would enquire or know and I wouldn't tell them either and neither would my family, they too have had enough of how he treats me and my son.

I haven't blocked him, I don't want him to run around and smear my name anymore than he has, he blocked me and that's fine.
I have no intention of contacting him
Thank you

Your poor Ds, unfortunately you can’t force his Dad to be a decent parent. I really think inconsistency is worse than just being absent. Just stop contacting him and trying to initiate visits, and definitely don’t tell your son that his dad is coming or taking him out. Doesn’t seem like he initiates anything anyway, doubt you’ll hear from him once you stop calling/messaging.

Your ex loves to promise and discard, he loves the idea of you both waiting for him to take your son out, then to change times and sometimes pick him up. He wants to feel important, so he is in your mind, while you wait and worry whether he will turn up.
Why are you making plans knowing you will most likely have to cancel them as he won’t bother turning up?
You are deliberately allowing him to make plans with your son to be discarded. You seem to be more concerned with his treatment of you in the past! We get the picture, he’s a complete cunt, so stop playing into his mind games. You block him yourself and stop whining about how he lets your son down, you are enabling him to treat your son like dirt!

@SpryCat I have a work number, that I left with what's app, I hardly use it we were all issued with a work phone.
Yeah I'm taking him out myself we will be leaving at 11.30

Could you not have just gone along with your original plan and your son come too?

Anyway, have a fun day out. Don't bother contacting your ex again. If he wants to see his son, he can go through the court to set up access arrangements that he then needs to stick to, or go through Cafcass to agree a parenting schedule.

Well just as we were about to leave, I got a call from him saying he was at Waterloo about to board the train to my home, I told him to turn around as we now had plans. He turn around thankfully, but he was very pissed with me.
This has lead to him sending threatening messages, saying if I go to the police and mess up his family life he will get me and take my son away, then he said he would put me in the grave (verbally)
I've saved the messages, blocked him and I will report to the police.

@MyCyanReader no not really, my friend only has a 2 seater and we were planning on going for brunch and then we booked a show locally at 3.00 which wouldn't have been age appropriate for my son, and as much as she loves my son, she's not maternal at all.

Ahhh, two seater cars are not very helpful when there's more than 2 of you! 😂

He can't be angry with you. He was meant to be collecting him at 10am, he refused to do so, which meant you changed your plans and your DS had to come out with you. He can't possibly have expected you to leave a 5 year old at home on his own?!?!? He needs to stick to plans.

Make sure you don't write anything nasty back. Just stick to the facts. I'd absolutely report him to the police if he is being threatening.

Could you set up a Teams email address that is to be used for communication? That way there would always be a log of any agreements and I think you then get the option to record any audio.

You absolutely need to cut ex MIL out too. The entire load of these people are a toxic mess.

You need to start teaching yourself about tricky people so that you can teach your son. These are people who are not reliable. They will get you to love them and trust them and then betray, use, or neglect you.

Stop reaching out to dh and stop making promises on his behalf. His actions will always make you the liar in your sons eyes. So the more you include and excuse him the more your son will hate you and act out with you. Just stop. Tell your ds in an age appropriate way that his dad is unavailable. Then distract your son. Repeat as needed.

You've done everything right, good job, especially reporting it. I know it must have shaken you a little hearing what he said, remember that is him knowing that he losing control. Hope you and your son had a lovely time!

This is another reason to move and to move schools. He will try to cause you harm if it's easy for him to do, but as soon as you are unavailable he will focus on harming people within reach.