Argh my ex is damaging my son should I say goodbye

[Sandydee1991]

My ex is an arse.
We spilt in February, were together 8 years we share a almost 5 year old son.
I had emotional abuse throughout the 8 years, although the first 2 years I ignored a lot of what was happening red flags were flying I ran into them.
Anyway we spilt in February because he admitted he found someone else, he told me in June she was 7 weeks pregnant and keeping baby, she has a 3 year old DD already.

He has always been bad with letting me down and our son, saying one thing and then doing the opposite, playing games with money I think I was financially abused as well when I look back, tbh there's been so much I think I've blacked out most of it, my therapist said it was trauma and my brain is protecting myself.

We had an arrangement, he would see our son 3 Saturdays a month from 11-6.30 and he would call my son every 2 nights (facetime) he stuck to this then in may, he just stopped, no calls no reason why, just stopped calling. If I called him he would say things like "stop bothering me, your a pest" and "what do you want"
I tried to set up medation, he told me to "fuck off, he's not doing it"
He moved into her home 2 weeks ago (his dad told me)
Anyway my son hasn't seen him since 3rd May, he didn't turn up for the other contact sessions.
I still speak to his mother, we will never be best friends but we have a relationship, and I told her that my son has his graduation ceremony on Wednesday at nursery. My ex called me and said he would be there, I said that was fine told him the time. He spoke to my son and told him he will see him on Wednesday at the party and they will go for food/ice cream after. He then told him that he was going to have a baby brother or sister - my son didn't really register this and I didn't think it was wise to tell him over the phone when he hasn't seen him for 2 months.
Anyway my son was ecstatic that he was going to see his dad. Yesterday morning he was so happy.
I didn't call my ex until 2.20 to see if he was on his way as I hadn't heard from him, he wasn't he was at home, the ceremony started at 3.00 it takes just over an hour to get to where we live, I'm SW London he is in East London now. I told him he would be late and asked why? He told me "don't question me, and I'll see xxx later" and put the phone down.

I turned up to the ceremony on my own, when I got there and my son came out in his gown and cap and could see all his friends parents but just me on my own, he shouted out "where's daddy" and burst into tears.

Obviously this was really distressing, myself and his key worker took him into another room as he was in floods of tears and kept saying "daddy likes the baby better than me" and "daddy isn't my friend"
It took 20 mins to calm him down ans needless to say he didn't want to join in and sing the songs we have been practicing all week. It was heartbreaking.

I text my ex at 4.30 to ask where he was, he didn't reply so I called twice he didn't answer.
I text his mum, she tried to contact him and said he wasn't answering her.
So I left it, we went to my parents home and has a graduation meal and then went home
At 9.00 last night I got a text from him saying "I'm sorry I'll take him swimming on Sunday" nothing else.
Again he didn't reply to my message that I sent to him, ignored me.
I tried to call him today, and again he ignored me

I've had this behaviour on/off for years but since may he's ramped it up.
My son has become very clingy, thinks I'm going to leave him, has behavioural problems and latches on to my brother when ever he sees him.

My son's key worker at nursery has said to me this morning "when are you going to drop the rope, this will get worse when the baby comes"

Should I just stop contact, he will never take me to court, he's already expressed that.
Or should I keep giving him chances?
Oh he didn't turn up to parents evening in April nor did he come to our son's first karate showcase in march. Just didn't turn up
Please help

@ThisCyanPoet my son starts school in September, dad hasn't asked what date he starts let alone what school he is going to and after yesterday I don't think I will be telling him.

But yes, I'm looking at obtaining a CAO although I don't know how it would work if he doesn't turn up to court

You should cut all of them out.

Don’t carry on helping them to hurt your son.

@indoorplantqueen yes they have documented it as it was so distressing, even his key worker was upset.

Well the last time he spoke to him was on Monday, before then it was 3rd may so if I changed my number I doubt he'd even notice for weeks.

It's so so sad

@Rabbitsockpeony she has only asked for pictures of ceremony, which I understand but she doesn't ask anything about him, she knows as much as her son knows about him, nothing.

I'm assuming as soon as the new baby arrives, she too will loose interest, if that does happen then I will cut her off also

@Sandydee1991 Anything you say to inlaws will always be relayed to the dad! your son will say things to grandparents. they do not have rights. you need to cut them off now. if your ex has a key then change the locks, if he threatens you call the police and get an order taken against him. he is a danger to you when he barges in. maybe contact should be at a centre rather than the garden gate? use your own family for support. contact between you should be email. he doesnt need your number!!

I voted you’re being unreasonable as while you’re not unreasonable to want your son to feel loved and prioritised by his father, it’s clear this man doesn’t have the capacity to do that. I think you’re prolonging the inevitable with how much you’re trying to facilitate contact that your son’s father just isn’t that interested in. I think you need to step back completely and stop contacting him. If he contacts you about seeing your son I wouldn’t deny him that completely, but I’d give him only a few chances to prove himself as a reliable parent after letting your son down so badly recently, and I wouldn’t pre warn your son so he’s none the wiser if he doesn’t turn up. More than likely if you stop chasing though, the contact will come to an end.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld whatever I say to his mother, is facts and facts only, if she wants to relay that back it doesn't bother me. My son doesn't hear anything, I don't bad mouth his dad around him, he's going through enough.

No he doesn't have a key, he gave it back when we spilt, that was the last time he was here in may and I told him after he barged his way in, next time handover is outside, wait in your car no reason to come in my home anymore.

He refuses to use email I gave up trying to get him to do so.

At the very least I wouldn’t mention swimming on Sunday to your son. I wouldn’t bet on this clown actually turning up for it.

@LurkyMcLurkinson your saying what everyone in my circle have said, well firstly they all said "we told you so, as soon as he finds someone else and has another baby, xxx will be bottom of of his priorities"

I'm not planning on contacting him, he never replied to me and had ignored me since Wednesday like I had done him wrong.

@GingersOwner26 no I've not said anything, not planning to either.
Thank you

From what you’ve said, he’s an all around poor human being, which you know all too well.

That doesn’t make it easier for you to see your son’s hurt though. It must be so awful.

I would look not to minimise contact per se, but not allow your ex to tell your little boy he’ll be there and then fail to turn up. All communication between you and your ex exclusively - daddy arriving can be a surprise if he does turn up. Otherwise he’s “in work”. It’s galling to have to cover for a crap parent like that, but your little boy is too young to understand anything else.

I've been where you are and the only thing worse than your own heartbreak is watching someone do that to your child over and over again. You have good intentions but your ex is too wrapped up in his new life. Honestly i wouldn't contact him again go to cms get child support and ignore any texts/calls the uncertainty and constant let downs are too much for a little kid

You care OP and you take back the control. You love your son. He does not need his waste of a space father.

Communicate with the man solely by a parenting app, so it's all easily court documented. Deny him access to any other form of contacting you. Don't give your child advance notice that the loser may or may not visit.
The deadbeats mother can sort access when he is parenting his kid, it's none of your concern. Free yourself from interacting with scum.

Men like him will always be faultless in their version of events, because if they’re not they would have to admit what a joke they are, step up and do something about it. I’m sure he’ll be telling people you’ve stopped him having contact soon. Ultimately though you and your son know the truth and people will be suspicious of his ridiculous claims if they know him and what he’s like. Your son will be hurt of course, it’s his father after all, but having such a loving mother will help him process that hurt and not to view it as any measure of his worth, but simply as a measure of what a sorry excuse for a man his father is.

Agree with this, my friends kids Dad left her out of the blue and set up home with woman he’d been having an affair with, she had his baby a year later. He stopped seeing their 2 kids regularly, let them down all of time so she put a stop to it. His parents visit every weekend without fail and take kids for days out etc and from what I hear, they’re fab grandparents. They have them overnight if my friends has an event like a wedding etc but Dad still shows no interest. She put a claim in for child maintenance and he hasn’t seen them in almost 3 years. He’s left the other woman and their baby and now is in another relationship. His parents are disgusted with him.

YANBU, why are some men like this to their own children?

My own father was inconsistent with contact after he and my mum broke up, and I saw him only sporadicaly between the ages of 4 and 15, then not at all until 28. He let me down at least half of the times he was due to see me, which was just as disappointing each time it happened. He was a good grandad to my DDs for a few years, but then started flaking out on plans again, and I decided I wasn't going to put my DDs through the same thing I went though, and went NC.

I know it may be slightly different as your DC is a boy @Sandydee1991, but the insecurity in my father-daughter relationship had a profound affect on my own relationships with men in my teens and early 20's and it wasn't until I had therapy to unpick why, that I realised it was down to him. It might seem overkill right now, but I would have a think about some child-friendly play therapy for your DS, to help him to understand that just because his daddy doesn't want to spend time with him, he is not "unlovable", and that he definitely is "good enough".

I know it's painful from the child's perspective, but I also appreciate it must be incredibly painful for you OP. You know how wonderful your DS is, and the one person in the whole world who should love him as much as you do just... doesn't. Just remember that you can't control your ex's actions (if you could, you could make him walk off a cliff!), but you can help your DS to come to terms with having a shit for a father.

You poor things. He is an arsehole of the highest order. I know it is so hard and you’re trying to do the best for your son (you’re amazing, btw) but for the sake of your own emotional wellbeing, you must stop chasing him x

Your son's right, he isn't his friend. He deserved one chance, and only one, and if you keep letting him hurt your son, that's on you, since your ex cannot be trusted to do the right thing, but you do know better.

I'd move house so he couldn't find me, and I am not joking. And nope, nothing would happen, he wouldn't care, he wouldn't search, he'd just forget you existed.

I dont think you have to 'do' anything? Just dont communicate with him anymore - if he wants a relationship with your DS, its for him to make the effort. Stop trying to facilitate contact - your DS is going to be in a cycle of permanent disappointment and rejection. Better to have no contact and no expectation than what he's experiencing now.

@TheLemonLemur the let downs, uncertainty and now a baby to contend with. My heart breaks for him, I'm dealing with our spilt with therapy he broke my heart as well although I had a feeling he would do this.

Morning all.

Thank you all for your help.
My ex sent a message at 7.10am this morning asking "how was it" no explanation, no real apology. I never answered this, just said 10.00am on Sunday, if your not coming then let me know. He didn't reply.

If he doesn't turn up on Sunday, then I will not chase or follow up no more.
My son seems happier this morning, he's got stay and play at his new school today so we are both focusing on that
@savagedaughter I'm actually looking at a new home at the moment, I'll stay in the same area due to my son's school or as close by but I agree he wouldn't do a thing, I have no worries in him searching for us.
And if I allow this to continue it is on me, and I couldn't live with that guilt.
He's a see you next Tuesday for sure.

I stopped contacting my ex and informing him (I’m not his secretary). He knew the schools and places they attended. He could easily attend and find out about the kids things. Hasn’t attended anything or done anything in years. Kids now see him if there lucky every couple of months for an hour. Stop contacting him. He doesn’t want to parent your son and this new baby…….exciting for a few months. The new baby will receive the same treatment. This other women is going to learn fast that she will receive the same treatment as you. He doesn’t want to parent.

You do not want a CAO all that does is tie you to make him available to his dad ..

it ties him to nothing .

The best approach is don’t contact . There is a lot of pressure on mums to make contact happen but it’s not your responsibility .

i was in a similar situation my Ds now 18 hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3 . I would say positive male role models are the best . It also helped me not feeling hurt every time my Ds was let down and had more emotional energy for him

If he ever barges into your home again and refuses to leave, you ring the police and make sure the incident is logged. If he ever starts trouble at your home, get an injunction out as the incidents will be logged. It’s a power play, he is trying to be in control, that he can do as he wants. I would ask the key worker if she would write you up, how your son was and why! I suggest asking for therapy for your son and let your dr know, his father is deliberately letting son down. You need a paper trail so you can protect him if sperm donor ever tries for access as you will be claiming for child support! Any time he comes over and starts trouble, you call police!
I wouldn’t pass on any information about your son’s school, sports day, parent’s evening or celebrations to any of his family.
You need to protect your son from sperm donor, he will never change so don’t let down your guard!