Argh my ex is damaging my son should I say goodbye

[Sandydee1991]

My ex is an arse.
We spilt in February, were together 8 years we share a almost 5 year old son.
I had emotional abuse throughout the 8 years, although the first 2 years I ignored a lot of what was happening red flags were flying I ran into them.
Anyway we spilt in February because he admitted he found someone else, he told me in June she was 7 weeks pregnant and keeping baby, she has a 3 year old DD already.

He has always been bad with letting me down and our son, saying one thing and then doing the opposite, playing games with money I think I was financially abused as well when I look back, tbh there's been so much I think I've blacked out most of it, my therapist said it was trauma and my brain is protecting myself.

We had an arrangement, he would see our son 3 Saturdays a month from 11-6.30 and he would call my son every 2 nights (facetime) he stuck to this then in may, he just stopped, no calls no reason why, just stopped calling. If I called him he would say things like "stop bothering me, your a pest" and "what do you want"
I tried to set up medation, he told me to "fuck off, he's not doing it"
He moved into her home 2 weeks ago (his dad told me)
Anyway my son hasn't seen him since 3rd May, he didn't turn up for the other contact sessions.
I still speak to his mother, we will never be best friends but we have a relationship, and I told her that my son has his graduation ceremony on Wednesday at nursery. My ex called me and said he would be there, I said that was fine told him the time. He spoke to my son and told him he will see him on Wednesday at the party and they will go for food/ice cream after. He then told him that he was going to have a baby brother or sister - my son didn't really register this and I didn't think it was wise to tell him over the phone when he hasn't seen him for 2 months.
Anyway my son was ecstatic that he was going to see his dad. Yesterday morning he was so happy.
I didn't call my ex until 2.20 to see if he was on his way as I hadn't heard from him, he wasn't he was at home, the ceremony started at 3.00 it takes just over an hour to get to where we live, I'm SW London he is in East London now. I told him he would be late and asked why? He told me "don't question me, and I'll see xxx later" and put the phone down.

I turned up to the ceremony on my own, when I got there and my son came out in his gown and cap and could see all his friends parents but just me on my own, he shouted out "where's daddy" and burst into tears.

Obviously this was really distressing, myself and his key worker took him into another room as he was in floods of tears and kept saying "daddy likes the baby better than me" and "daddy isn't my friend"
It took 20 mins to calm him down ans needless to say he didn't want to join in and sing the songs we have been practicing all week. It was heartbreaking.

I text my ex at 4.30 to ask where he was, he didn't reply so I called twice he didn't answer.
I text his mum, she tried to contact him and said he wasn't answering her.
So I left it, we went to my parents home and has a graduation meal and then went home
At 9.00 last night I got a text from him saying "I'm sorry I'll take him swimming on Sunday" nothing else.
Again he didn't reply to my message that I sent to him, ignored me.
I tried to call him today, and again he ignored me

I've had this behaviour on/off for years but since may he's ramped it up.
My son has become very clingy, thinks I'm going to leave him, has behavioural problems and latches on to my brother when ever he sees him.

My son's key worker at nursery has said to me this morning "when are you going to drop the rope, this will get worse when the baby comes"

Should I just stop contact, he will never take me to court, he's already expressed that.
Or should I keep giving him chances?
Oh he didn't turn up to parents evening in April nor did he come to our son's first karate showcase in march. Just didn't turn up
Please help

This. I also used to do all the effort sending pics, school and extra curricular events,reports, offering extra visits above what was court ordered but you reach a point when you think why am I investing so much time in someone that doesn't care.
As another poster said also CAO are more hassle than they worth - my ex mainly sticks to his but if something else comes up on his allocated days he just won't show, but I was threatened with arrest for not making my child available due to a family funeral 2 hours away

@Starlightstarbright4 I'm quite happy not to go to court, but I've been told so many times to take him to court, although he told me he would turn up.
If I did apply for a CAO and he didn't turn up, does anyone know what would happen?
Would the judge just throw it out?

Sorry he Wouldn't turn up
@Starlightstarbright4 @TheLemonLemur do you know what would happen if he no shows if court was applied for by me!

Can you up the role of your brother in his life as a safe loving male figure? Would the dickheads mum play a role at things like this for your son?

but yeah give up on the waste of space and concentrate on getting your sons needs by another male figure to the extent that you can

OP unfortunately my ex-husband is exactly like your ex when it comes to our daughter, but I have given up years ago and he hasn't contacted her for years (just once every few years he makes some kind of grand appearance then disappears again). She's a teenager now (we split when she was 18 months old) and doesn't expect anything from him. We still have a good relationship with his family though - ex-in-laws, cousins etc. I'm very sad for my daughter that I was so stupid and chose such a piece crap to be her dad. Hopefully she chooses wiser than me!!

You cant make him attend and even if he took you to court for access he's under no obligation to take up the access granted. Honestly save yourself the stress protect your little one and don't give him the time of day

It's just that Ive been told by my therapist to get a CAO and some PP as well @TheLemonLemur but I know it will be extra stress and just exhaust me to no end.
It sounds selfish, but I feel so much better and happier without him anywhere near me, in a way I wish he would just drop off the planet.
He will never just take him, he can't even stick to the times we set, would always bring him back earlier.
@2024onwardsandup I have a male childhood friend who is very active in my son's life, I grew up with his family and they are like family, my brother is also a father and he would be a very positive influence.
As @XelaM stated, the guilt I feel for choosing the wrong man, my son didn't sign up for this.

Nothing at all . If you don’t make Dc available you can be took back to court for none compliance .

My advice - just keep a record of every time he fails to attend and any reason why ..

He isn’t interested but probably enjoys winding you up .

just leave be . If he wants contact let him chase it .

Those other male figures will be a very protective force for him. I think that pushing a crappy relationship can cause more harm
than good often. He’ll be fine if he is surrounded by love and support from you and your side

Hopefully someone can tell you what would happen in court in the UK but my ex didn't turn up for our last court hearing, which was an appeal that he requested, and the judges still ruled in his favour!

Stopping contact now is for the best I think, while your DS is young enough to forget being let down.

I would have sent him a firm message. No swearing, but he would know exactly what I think of him.

‘Our son was very distressed when he realised that you hadn’t turned up. He broke down in tears, and nursery staff and I were not able to calm him down enough to take part in the concert.
You said you were coming, and then didn’t bother to turn up. Actions are what matter, not words. Our son said that you don’t love him anymore. He said that in front of nursery staff. It doesn’t get much worse than that.
From now on I will expect you to use the school (whatever the information system is) to find out when parents’ evening and sports days etc are taking place. I will never tell our son that you are coming, because you probably won’t turn up.’

And then I would never contact him again.

My son is no longer in contact with his children because of his risky behaviour. I see them once a week, and no longer have contact with him. What is really important is to explain to your son that it's nothing to do with him why his dad behaves the way he does. We told the grandchildren that his behaviour was all about problems in his head and absolutely no reflection on them. It's really important to emphasise this because it could affect his self esteem in the long term.

I'd definitely move schools too, right away. And I wouldn't tell a soul where we were who couldn't be 100 percent guaranteed not to tell him. Although he won't bother searching for you, he might get bored and feel like torturing you and your son again, if you make it impossible for him to do that without having to find you, you'll never hear from him again.

Just a small update;
He called this morning to say he's paid £40 cm and to speak to my son, asked him what he was doing today etc then said to him "I'll be picking you up tomorrow so we can go swimming"

I did take the phone after this and said "please stop telling him things and then letting him down"
I also asked why he didn't come on Wednesday "he said he couldn't be bothered with the arguements" I didn't say anything, what arguements we have hardly spoken in 2 months.

Anyway, I'll see what happens tomorrow, I have a feeling he will come as his mother emailed me saying they are due to come to her for food etc, so maybe his mum is pushing him for tomorrow so she can see my son.

@savagedaughter he doesn't even know what school my son will be attending, I haven't told him and I'm 100% not going to either.
My family and friends will not tell him either so I have no worries there.

@Sandydee1991 i would not be volunteering information about the school he will be going to. pretty sure he would start digging his heels in and wanting him to go to another one just for spite. dont mention school at all. if he misses first day, so be it.

Don't take him to court. Just stop chasing him and see what effort dad puts in. No reminders, no encouragement, don't message him, don'toffer any information. Keep your contact BIFF (Brief, informative, friendly, firm). When he messages you, don't reply instantly, then reply that night/next morning. Dad can take you to court.
Even with a court order, Dad won't be penalised if he chooses not to take the time with your child. Court orders don't make them parent.
Document, document, document. Every single thing. Every missed contact, screenshot the evidence and keep it safe.

Go to court and get a prohibited steps order, which states he lives with you until he’s 18. Then get a CAO which allows you to take you child out of the country for 28 days without his dads permission. Then live your life with your son in the knowledge you have done everything emotionally, practically, physically to keep him safe from this monster. I did this and got my power back.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld he never got involved with the school process, left it all to me.
He was too busy with his new GF to even look at schools.

Another update.
So my ex sent my a message and hour ago telling me he won't be collecting my son until 12 tomorrow. We agreed 10 on Thursday, and today he spoke to my son, he confirmed 10-6 with me.
I have made plans for a much needed day of rest (a friend is picking me up at 10.30/10.45 and we have a day planned)
I told him this and I had no one to leave my son with until 12, his reply was
"I don't listen to what you tell me, I don't give a fuck I'm coming at 12" which from past experience means 1.00 or a little later.

Am I wrong for telling him to just forget it, after this week I thought he would be on point with contact and we confirmed times, this is exactly what he has done in the past and I just let it "slide" but I honestly have had enough.
He doesn't care
Oh his last message to me before he blocked me was "I have a new family now, get over it"

I know he won't apply to the courts - I just feel so sorry for my son, he keeps doing it to him

It would be wrong to keep allowing him to treat your child like shit.

I don't think they will be going swimming if your son was going with him . 12 or 1 pm will be in time for the lunch with ex MIL only ( i am not sure from what you have said that she is someone who can be trusted)

@savagedaughter thank you! I just sent him a text message (he blocked me on what's app) saying 10 or nothing, he replied back with 12 or nothing and to leave him alone.

I really don't want to cancel plans, and I know it won't be 12 it will be later. He'll turn up when he feels like it or not at all. We will be sitting at home waiting for him
So I'll cancel and not contact him again.
How sad, he's literally wiped his hands with his own son

@Marmaladelover it could be that he will take him swimming and then just bring him back to me, he's done this before. His mum lives in North London I'm SW and he is in East. He more than likely would turn up at 1ish take him swimming then bring him back to me at 4.30.
I said 10-6 this was agreed
He's just doing what he always does, what he wants.
I'm not doing this anymore

Rather than have a row when he arrives in fe ont of your son or fume afterwards i would wait until 10.30 then go out . It obviously means cancelling your plans but he has done that for you already.

@Marmaladelover he made it clear he isn't coming until 12, I've got no other childcare tomorrow - and that's if he actually turns up at 12. He's done this many times in the past, says a time and then turns up much later or not at all.

As you said, he cancelled plans anyway, so I've told him to leave it and canceled my plans with my friend.
I feel for my son, he keeps doing this and gets away with it, makes me out to be the issue to anyone.

If he really cared and was so important then 10.00 would have been no issue to him.
Thank you though