Am I a coward? Wife of a disabled dh

[Salesave]

I don’t even know how to word this.
My dh has a physical disability that affects how he walks. He can walk far, play football, swim. But his walking gait and stiffness makes him walk differently.

We could be having a normal day, outside having fun and someone will take the piss. Right in his face. My dh content stand for anything and will call them out, argue back with them. I’m with him defending him. Then our day is kinda f from then on. His confidence is shot and he wants to go home.

Even if people just look at his legs he will take it for a while then call them out.

Now imagine this almost everyday, people looking. Some crazy people saying stuff to his face and some kids mimicking.

My children get asked in school, why does your dad walk like that. I told them not to tell him as it would break his heart.

I don’t know how to handle this, he will go crazy sometimes. Threatening people and throwing stuff at them, insulting them. If it’s a women he wants me to be the one doing that stuff and I can’t bring myself to do it. I only feel anger like that if it’s something to do with my children.

I have in the past called people out and shouted at them but it’s only for him as he calls me a coward. I just hate confrontation.

He notices people looking when I didn’t see anything. I told him you can’t fight the world, but he says he has pride. Which I understand.

He was SA as a child which I think has given him his heightened sense of awareness and to have to constantly look out. My son has the same disability and we can go out and have a normal day. No one says anything and we don’t see anyone staring.

Today we went to my daughter’s sports day and we had ice cream and was having fun when my dh said that two girls were saying why does he walk like that, he told me that I needed to speak them. I said who are their parents I will speak to them. He didn’t know. He then said that he wants to leave and he left.

After, I felt like he was angry with me for not confronting two primary school children that asked a question. He has done this before, he wants me to defend him which I should but some situations are not appropriate.

I’m emotionally fatigued, I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for him. To have grown up like that and go through all of these challenges.

But selfishly, I just want to have a normal day out.

Children will ask because it’s unusual and they don’t understand why. They just need an age appropriate explanation.
My dad walks differently and in some areas (well he avoids them now) he has had people be aggressive or just weird towards him, most places are fine but he lives in a rural affluent area and I think that may make a difference.

Is it ataxia? My DS can walk but not without extreme jerks and uncontrolled movements. When he is tired, it is worse. As a result, he prefers the wheelchair when out.

This also means fewer people watch him and comment or laugh, which, I have to be fair about, I hate but understand, because he has such an unusual gait and it can look quite funny.

I know that they are curious but for my dh, he gets offended. How does your dad deal with day to day and people staring?

I am so sorry that your DH and your family have to go through this shit. But he cannot respond in the way that he is, and he can't include you. Soon he will be asking the kids to get involved. He has to be the bigger person here.

This is a difficult one, OP.

I think very young children asking innocent questions deserve a pass. Asking about your DH is no different to choosing the quietest moment on the train to ask in tones of ringing clarity, ‘So, Mummy, what is oral sex?’

No one else does. I’m sure you are exhausted but it is actually quite shitty behaviour. I wonder if your DH would relax a bit if he felt that you had his back?

At Sports Day you don’t have authority but teachers do. If pupils mimic DH I wouldn’t hesitate to report them and ask that they be spoken to. I might even video them only to show a teacher, and delete in the teacher’s presence.

Random strangers are more difficult. I have every sympathy with your DH but the behaviours you describe are similar to what many who are minorities of one kind or another endure. They all suck and they are all sad, disgusting reflections of the perpetrator. A thicker skin would help. Would he consider counselling?

It must be really hard for him and the rest of you. I’m always astounded by what arseholes people are. Children though don’t mean it. DD had a friend at nursery with significant physical disabilities and she thought nothing of it. I didn’t even know he was in her class until she mentioned he couldn’t join in with something because he couldn’t walk and she felt bad for him. She still asked me about a man who didn’t have lower legs when we were out. She definitely would never have said it in a mean way, she was just curious.

It is painful to hear that you stand out in some way, if you are of a different ethnicity, if you have a disability, if you are physically an outlier in any way people will look. It’s shit but the majority of people are just doing a double take or children will want to know why you are different.

Has he considered therapy? I can understand why he feels like going home because he’s suddenly self conscious and feeling awful but he needs a better way of handling it for all your sakes.

That must be so awful for your poor DH and I really feel for him but he's handling it really badly. Would he be open to counselling? He runs the risk of pushing everyone away.

Children who are asking, aren't laughing, they're simply noticing a difference and questioning it. How else would they learn about anything?

Probably assumes that most people aren't even focusing on the person moving past them or are just vaguely aware that there's a person there/oh, they have a disability, I'm going to have to buy bread on the way home and the cat's tray needs changing rather than doing the 'You looking at me?' bollocks.

Other than those who are out to be pricks - who are obvious because they announce that they're pricks the moment they approach or open their mouths - the majority of people just aren't that observant or interested in physical disabilities.

I have his back and have done for 17 years. I’m just struggling with the constant aggression. Sometimes I think you can’t lash out at everyone that looks. He is also a minority and it’s not the same thing.

It sounds like he isn't dealing well with accepting his disability. Has he had counselling to help him at all?
He needs to be a bit more tolerant of children, they are naturally curious and going to wonder and maybe if he has a child friendly answer this would help educate them and help them to understand people they might see in different places.

He won’t get counselling unfortunately

My DH is fully tetraplegic/quadriplegic. We have hardly been out together in the last four years, but when he finally gets the confidence our DD will be so proud of him xx

His sensitivity is understandable but being offended at a question asked by children is pathetic tbh. He is setting his son a terrible example of how to have a happy life despite people looking at the way he walks.

Oh, I feel for you all so much. The problem would be solved if some people weren’t such utter pricks. I mean, kids’ curiosity I can understand. But not the rudeness and ignorance of some grown assed adults.
Do you think your husband would undergo counselling to help him cope, as he can’t keep putting it all on you?

Oh, apologies, I can see you’ve already answered that.

No, you are not a coward at all. You’re doing everything you can to support him and I’m sorry to say that he isn’t helping himself.

I lost my right leg when I was 16, it was tough but I adjusted with help. I think he needs some therapy and counselling for his anxiety and anger issues. It’s not nice to think that you are different but I am and so is he.

Children ask because they are curious, not nasty, it’s normal and they deserve an answer to ensure that they grow up balanced and not afraid of differences.

Getting angry only increases his feelings of alienation and resentment. You are very caring and supportive but this needs to change. He needs to face up to it and accept it. That sounds hard but it’s the only way he’s going to cope. It’s not going to change, so he needs to.

Most people are ok, kids are curious and what he thinks are people staring at him walking are probably wondering why he looks so angry.

He needs therapy before the anger starts spilling over into another area of your life. Please ask at your local surgery for help for him, so you can all be happy.

Hard as it is, it really is something he has to deal with.
Kids ask questions and stare because he is different, so do some adults.

I know what it's like because I have always had a leg issue and walk funny,
I'm sure my kids have been asked what's wrong with me

I will always tell people what's wrong if they ask, it's just part of who I am and could have been much worse

It sounds as if he needs some help to come to terms with it.

Either of you shouting at people won't help

@Salesave I have to agree @CopperWhite - and I have a disabled relative (whose life I organise), we walk around his town whilst he dribbles, jerk his head, stares at people deadpan - water, duck, back. There’s a lovely young girl who lives in the same facility as my relative, she has the same condition as your husband, plus autism and LD, but she’s always smiling, today I could hear her from her apartment screaming in pain for hours, but the next time I see her I can guarantee she will be smiling, interested and engaged. Not that she needs to be smiling for anyone, but a disability really does bring out your character. And it puts it out there in a way that’s unedited, and that’s when being in a room full of disabled people with learning disabilities can be really funny, as they are just hilarious, sweet, outrageous and fun.

Maybe your DH could benefit from counselling his obviously carrying a stigma around his disability.

It’s not easy for him of course, but I really feel for you too OP. You must be on tenterhooks every time you go out 😢

My whole life has been based on supporting family members with disabilities. My DM has cerebral palsy and so I was a young carer (she divorced my dad) and had to help her walk.

My dad then got diagnosed with Huntingdon's Disease when I was an adult, and I became his sole carer. He used to stagger and slur, and people sometimes thought he was drunk.

My ex (my DC's dad) had cerebral palsy.

Both my DC are autistic, with DS having high needs so is visibly different. DD's disability is invisible.

I would echo PP in saying that children are curious about the world, and if they see anything that's different, they're going to look and maybe ask a question. That's how they learn and tbh, it's positive, because it provides an opportunity for them to start understanding and learning about disabilities while they're young.

I have to say, over my lifetime, I've found most people to be kind and understanding. The only times I've encountered attitudes was when DS was struggling and people would be assuming he was just badly behaved (eg/crawling into the shop displays to hide because he couldn't cope with lights, noise etc). And then on a couple of occasions with Dad when they very clearly thought he was drunk. But overall, when people recognise a disability, I can't say we've had any nasty glances or comments at all - the only issues have been when they've not realised.

Is it possible that your DH is overly sensitive to general looks of people out in public? Maybe they're not looking at him because of his disability? You say that your DS has the same disability and you're not experiencing the same problems when you go out....

I actually think your DH has an anger problem and he's bullying you into behaving in a way that he approves of. Not everything has to be met with anger - and the only people he's hurting is himself, and his family.

Are you able to have an honest conversation with him about all of this? It's not fair on you, or your DC.

We went abroad to his home country and the people there were so much worse than here. Openly referring to him as cripple. A teen was selling gum and asked my husband for money he said I don’t have change and the child called him a cripple my husband chased after him and stole his hat. Shouting in the street at everyone looking.

Next time we went out to a cafe and he saw the boy again he started shouting at him we had to leave.

If someone looked at him whilst we are walking he will start shouting at them and if it’s a women he expects me to do it.

Today it was something minor but my compassion is wearing thin and I could never say that to him because what he has to deal with is incomparable.

He used to drive but recently had to sell the car so I don’t know if it just feels worse as he was used to driving around. When he was driving he had crazy road rage.

I’ve tried to say to him that even when you remove the people being horrible about how you walk you’re still an aggressive person. Why do you have to react to everything?

He needs some serious counselling and anger management.

People are also going to stare and children are always going to ask questions. They don’t deserve abuse.

The arsehole well they should get what they deserve.

Your husband may be disabled but he also just sounds like an aggressive arsehole and sounds like he would be regardless of his disability if he always had road rage too.

Your last post said it all .. his road rage shows that he just likes a fight .. when driving his disability is not apparent but his ugly attitude is.

he also bullies you into getting involved … do you want to stay with him or do you think you have to because if his in some ways fairly minor disability?

Bullies love it when their victims get angry. It’s even more fun for them than if you cry. It fuels them. So your DH needs to learn to spoil their fun by ignoring them.

Sorry it must be hard for both of you. But he really is fuelling the bullies.

The road rage is s different matter. He’s a danger to you both and other people, so he shouldn’t drive if he can’t control it.

Not making excuses op but as you said previously your DH was a victim of SA as a child could that along with his disability have given him the rage and anger that’s gone on for so long maybe he just feels like he’s fire fighting all the time with no rest mentally.

Really feel for you both here it’s horrible, I can in one way understand and sympathise with the dread of people looking and watching my DS is autistic be it very happy and bubbly but when he stims people will stop and stare at him and it drives me insane I have to bite my lip.