Am I a coward? Wife of a disabled dh

[Salesave]

I don’t even know how to word this.
My dh has a physical disability that affects how he walks. He can walk far, play football, swim. But his walking gait and stiffness makes him walk differently.

We could be having a normal day, outside having fun and someone will take the piss. Right in his face. My dh content stand for anything and will call them out, argue back with them. I’m with him defending him. Then our day is kinda f from then on. His confidence is shot and he wants to go home.

Even if people just look at his legs he will take it for a while then call them out.

Now imagine this almost everyday, people looking. Some crazy people saying stuff to his face and some kids mimicking.

My children get asked in school, why does your dad walk like that. I told them not to tell him as it would break his heart.

I don’t know how to handle this, he will go crazy sometimes. Threatening people and throwing stuff at them, insulting them. If it’s a women he wants me to be the one doing that stuff and I can’t bring myself to do it. I only feel anger like that if it’s something to do with my children.

I have in the past called people out and shouted at them but it’s only for him as he calls me a coward. I just hate confrontation.

He notices people looking when I didn’t see anything. I told him you can’t fight the world, but he says he has pride. Which I understand.

He was SA as a child which I think has given him his heightened sense of awareness and to have to constantly look out. My son has the same disability and we can go out and have a normal day. No one says anything and we don’t see anyone staring.

Today we went to my daughter’s sports day and we had ice cream and was having fun when my dh said that two girls were saying why does he walk like that, he told me that I needed to speak them. I said who are their parents I will speak to them. He didn’t know. He then said that he wants to leave and he left.

After, I felt like he was angry with me for not confronting two primary school children that asked a question. He has done this before, he wants me to defend him which I should but some situations are not appropriate.

I’m emotionally fatigued, I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for him. To have grown up like that and go through all of these challenges.

But selfishly, I just want to have a normal day out.

He is black and white. If someone says something then they are a bad person and can’t be redeemed. What he has and how people act is hard to explain. I’ve seen people be ok with him and the moment they see how he walks they act like he tricked them and they start being horrible. It’s crazy.

His mum and dad bury their head in the sand and when he was younger and tried to tell m about being bullied they didn’t believe it and would say that people are nice to disabled people and would tell him to look at people that can’t even walk. This did not help. He had to fight all these battles and bullies by himself.

My son is a softer person and has experienced bullying in school from random kids. We have told the school and they are shit hot on bullying so I know it’s getting dealt with. My son just feels like life isn’t fair because he can’t keep up with sports like his peers. Day to day though he is not affected. We can go shopping, to the park and people don’t say anything. With my husband it’s causing him a lot of anxiety

Sadly it is something he can only learn to accept and be ok with himself. My 7 year old has a speech disorder and it means 80% of his speech isn't understandable to strangers or kids he doesn't know well. It just sounds like gibberish sometimes especially when he's excited. He has speech therapy and working on MH support at school now, but he has had kids laugh in his face, insult his speech tell him he can't speak English, ask him why he can't talk properly. It's heartbreaking seeing someone you love so much be a victim to bullies and nastiness but unfortunately resilience is the only way to overcome it.

I think serious counselling is in order. I am in a similar situation to your husband and honestly all this is doing is eating him away.

I do genuinely feel for him but he needs to handle it differently rather then getting aggressive i would personally try to embarrass the other person i would look them straight in the eye and loudly so others can hear ask them why they are staring is their a problem

he just sounds aggr4esive sorry-the insults are one thing but he used to have road rage so nothing to do with his disability

he needs therpy

I'm a quadruple amputee (5 years ago) and I get staring, pity and lots of questions (and comments from curious children to their adults). It can be hard and I have been upset at times, especially by the pity. I have dealt with it by being very open about explaining to children when they stare. I also go in to talk to pupils about disability so they see me as a person rather than just seeing my disability. I also attract attention to things other than my missing limbs - I wear bright clothes, have brightly dyed hair and start up conversations with strangers. I refuse to hide away: I'm active in my community and celebrate how blessed I am to have survived and have such a wonderful second life. That's my way of handling it, but it's not the right way for everyone.
Things which might possibly help your husband: contact with others in similar situations (I find facebook groups with other quad amputees great for perspective, tips and solidarity); counselling as a space to discuss how he feels and other ways of responding; t-shirts with slogans (I have one which reads "some assembly required"); listening to him but modelling more helpful ways of reacting or rehearsing responses (many amputees will answer "a shark got me" when asked what happened!)

The bigger person?

Why is it that it’s the most vulnerable, the disabled, that are asked to be the ‘bigger person’ when people are twats??

Usually starts a conversation with them. He doesn’t like the staring, it does make him feel uncomfortable but talking to the people seems to work. People are politely nosey in our area, it also doesn’t take long to get to know people.

@Salesave tbh it sounds like your dh is depressed and dealing with some trauma from his disability (or rather frim the experiences he lived through due to his disability. Incl the bullying)

I would gently push him to see a counsellor specialised in disability and trauma.
As @ccquad said, getting support from people with the same condition is also helpful.

Im a wheelchair user myself. People’s attitude can be infuriating. You have issues with accessibility etc… too. It can be hard to deal with all of that.
But for me, the biggest issue is that it’s affecting the quality of his life.

Bottom line though is that things won’t change fir you until he addresses his own issues 😢

He needs to accept counselling. I have someone in my family who was also SAd as a child and has a visible condition that affects their appearance (not much and this person is quite standard beautiful but obviously don’t perceive themselves like that) and they are so defensive 24/7 it has made me start to dislike going out together, so I can only imagine how you feel.

I just don’t want to go out and have it be a battle all the time. I think handing people their asses might be necessary on occasion, sure, but you can’t sustain that 24/7, it will drive you and everyone around you insane.

There’s something odd about this, while I’m not doubting he will get some stares and the odd comment from a child, is he really getting the amount of abusive comments he is claiming? Why is it such a different experience with DS? Could it be that he is glaring or has agressive body language already in anticipation of some altercation which is prompting other aggressive knobheads to react in this way.

First of all, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?! Where the fuck do you live where grown adults abuse disabled people daily?!

Your husband needs therapy and anger management and support group.

If it's kidd asking genuine question, come up with a standard answer. Could be that they wont grow up to be little shits.

For the others, come up with stock answers aswell. Maybe together with a counselor. Don't be afraid to make them feel horrible if it is a terrible comment. Running after wont help. Delivery the lines calmly so they will be effective. Also learn to have a discussion about it. It will make people feel worse sometimes and also works on those who are just curious. You don't have to educate everyone but in some cases might be good.

I’m there and have seen it
Examples;
In Lidl a lady barged past him and said I hope I fixed your leg.

School children laughing and walking funny in front of him.

Cars driving past and shouting peg-leg out the window.

If he dismisses a beggar or someone asking for something they will insult him about his disability straight away.

Last month he tried to enrol on a course and the instructor was asking him if he can stand, will he be able to do it. Giving him dirty looks. He head to say to her I walked for 30 mins to get here.

Walking across a bridge and someone saying something for no reason.

3 times yes 3 times, Christians have come up to him and said that they can heal him and help him walk he just needs to believe in Christ. One time for a joke he said go on then, and they all started closing their eyes saying god heal him, make him walk straight. Afterwards they told him to walk and he did and said I don’t think it worked guys. They seemed so convinced that it would.

These are the ones I have witnessed.

I’ve also had school mums invite me round their home and ask me “politely” so why does he walk like that?

When we went on holiday it was so bad, I was thinking what do they want him to do? Just cease to exist?

Most of the time it’s people imitating and taking the piss.

It’s an eye opener if you have never been with someone who has a disability. I told him that he has an automatic arsehole filter. It exposes people straight away.

He is handsome and as I said before some people act like he tricked them, someone even said “you didn’t tell me you walk like that” then started to be an arsehole to him.

People will purposely try to walk in front of him and then slow down. He can walk fast.

Why it’s different with Ds? I think it’s because my Ds got diagnosed and had physio early. He is like me and doesn’t notice everything going on just focuses on where he is going and gets engrossed in conversation. People might be nicer as it’s a child.

I do think my dh is looking out for it as-well whereas Ds isn’t.

Your DH needs help to manage his feelings and his anger. While the adults who laugh at him are entirely to blame and deserve his reaction, unfortunately it's hurting him and his family far more than them, so he needs to find a different coping strategy that's healthier for you all.

I became disabled in later life due to an accident.

yes, some people are just unpleasant to disabled people. I didn’t really believe it until it happened to me.

It can be very difficult to cope with.

Name changed to post this because it's potentially a bit outing.

I have a neurodegenerative disease. While it's not going to kill me it's not going to get better either. I have a very small amount of mobility (couple of steps) however when I walk this is very, very unsteady and it generally looks like I am drunk. Because of this, the huge falls risk and fatigue management I have used a wheelchair for the past 2 and a half years.

In my experience, kids primary school age and below ask questions out of innocence. I've had children ask me before what's wrong with my legs, why am I wobbly and on one really cure and memorable occasion a little one not much older than 3 asked me in Aldi why I used a pram. I generally answer children honestly and age appropriately saying stuff like my legs are super wobbly today or I use my wheels because my legs don't work very well. Could it have been that the primary school kids were asking about what they have seen?

Adults on the other hand. Totally different story. It's something I've become sensitive to as well. It's something you become attuned to. In a lot of instances I would actually call it microaggression. A lot of people seem to think they have the right to know about your private medical information. Or they're just being downright nasty. I've also had the people offer to pray for me and tell me that I'm like I am because I sinned. Cultural and societal attitudes to disability can vary hugely in my experience- could this have been why holiday was so hellish?

My response to people tends to be that I don't share my private medical information. However if I had been in a situation with the school parents then they would have been told they were being rude. As for people being directly rude/insulting or going OTT religious then my response to them is... impolite.

You can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. He sounds like an unhappy person. I doubt being a dick back to people who have been dicks to him is making him happier. At least some of this is his attitude; little kids asking questions are just curious. Choosing to be offended by that is silly.

Only therapy is going to help him, but to answer your question, I would not be going around challenging people on his behalf all the time. You're not a coward.

He’s one is also degenerative. We only got the diagnosis because I was pushing for my son to get diagnosed. Even health care professionals were pushing back and saying he will grow out of it. I wonder if it’s the same.
HSP?

You sound amazing.

I think your DH is dealing with the public reaction wrong.

Should he be on the end of that? No
Should he react angrily? He has every right to.
Is that type of reaction beneficial? No.

We are as we are. There is a line in Game of Thrones about issues which make us different... 'Wear it like armour, then it cannot hurt you.' Yes, he has an issue which leaves him walking different. So, well observed. Not like I didn't notice! Jog on now....

Less confrontational, less aggressive and less damaging. Better for all concerned.

I wrote this appreciating it may be easier said then actioned. But it's worth a try.

OP, I am so sorry. I don’t doubt you have your husband’s back and I tried to be careful with my wording. It seems, though I could be wrong, that he may not feel that you do - after all, you’ve given us a number of examples where you’ve (rightly) refused to take actions he has requested.

His anger at these awful people is understandable. But what to do?

One hopes teachers or parents will deal with older children who should be reported but I don’t know what you do about random adult jerks. (In a workplace or where it rises to breaking regulations I would report)

He does need counselling for both your sakes and he is currently a terrible role model for his DS who I am sure he loves deeply. Would that motivate him?

This is probably harsh but I could not be with a person like this. I have a disability and while it’s more hidden now I have had more than my fair share of comments, questions and stares and while it explains some of his behaviour, as does his trauma, it doesn’t excuse it at all.

Calmly calling out an adult for making rude comments or even staring is understandable but everything else is shocking behaviour from an adult. DH is very protective of me but I would never expect him to say or do anything in my defence unless I was in danger or couldn’t advocate for myself.

You don’t have to put up with aggressive behaviour and verbal abuse regardless of any reasons he might have to explain it. People around you don’t deserve verbal abuse for looking at him and no child deserves to be shouted for asking questions.

My DH walks with a limp and a cane after an awful accident. He's only 41 and it definitely impacted his confidence. We've also had people giving odd looks, saying the occasional rude thing.

He doesn't handle it like this, though. It absolutely hurts his feelings, of course it does. And I don't doubt your DH must be really upset and traumatised by this...but he's handling it all wrong. He can't go about yelling at people, especially not children. And certainly not in front of his own children, either.

My DH has absolutely pulled ignorant little shits up on it at times, but he assesses the situation first and doesn't go in yelling willy nilly. There are many, many times that he just rises above it. He also doesn't expect me to be the one to say anything - though I've done it unasked for many times. Again, calmly, when the situation has called for it.

You must be exhausted. It's not nice behaviour to deal with, and while your DH shouldn't have to deal with any of it in the first place, these reactions aren't doing any good. He needs counselling and anger management; new strategies of coping. I think it's time for a really good sit down and chat, because he needs to understand the impact it's having on his family.

I don’t think all of the examples you gave were people being nasty OP.

The instructor on the course may have been genuinely concerned about your DH’s ability to cope physically.

As you get friendly with people, I think it’s normal to ask questions about each other’s lives, including a visible disability. You might not want to discuss it and that’s fine, but I don’t think unkind of them to ask.

I don’t know if you live in a particularly rough area but with the many, many years I’ve been supporting family members with disabilities, I’ve never experienced such wide-ranging issues as you’re describing. The occasional thing, sure, but nothing like what you’ve written.

It does sound as if at least part of the time you’re over-sensitive, very possibly driven by the anticipation of your DH’s behaviour. You’re seeing the world through his critical, angry eyes and that’s not going to help.