Am I a coward? Wife of a disabled dh

[Salesave]

I don’t even know how to word this.
My dh has a physical disability that affects how he walks. He can walk far, play football, swim. But his walking gait and stiffness makes him walk differently.

We could be having a normal day, outside having fun and someone will take the piss. Right in his face. My dh content stand for anything and will call them out, argue back with them. I’m with him defending him. Then our day is kinda f from then on. His confidence is shot and he wants to go home.

Even if people just look at his legs he will take it for a while then call them out.

Now imagine this almost everyday, people looking. Some crazy people saying stuff to his face and some kids mimicking.

My children get asked in school, why does your dad walk like that. I told them not to tell him as it would break his heart.

I don’t know how to handle this, he will go crazy sometimes. Threatening people and throwing stuff at them, insulting them. If it’s a women he wants me to be the one doing that stuff and I can’t bring myself to do it. I only feel anger like that if it’s something to do with my children.

I have in the past called people out and shouted at them but it’s only for him as he calls me a coward. I just hate confrontation.

He notices people looking when I didn’t see anything. I told him you can’t fight the world, but he says he has pride. Which I understand.

He was SA as a child which I think has given him his heightened sense of awareness and to have to constantly look out. My son has the same disability and we can go out and have a normal day. No one says anything and we don’t see anyone staring.

Today we went to my daughter’s sports day and we had ice cream and was having fun when my dh said that two girls were saying why does he walk like that, he told me that I needed to speak them. I said who are their parents I will speak to them. He didn’t know. He then said that he wants to leave and he left.

After, I felt like he was angry with me for not confronting two primary school children that asked a question. He has done this before, he wants me to defend him which I should but some situations are not appropriate.

I’m emotionally fatigued, I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for him. To have grown up like that and go through all of these challenges.

But selfishly, I just want to have a normal day out.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this—it sounds incredibly overwhelming, and I truly feel for you. You’re doing your best in an emotionally complicated situation, and it’s clear from everything you’ve shared how much you care for your husband and children. That’s a real strength.
Your husband is carrying a painful mix of lifelong trauma, frustration, and the hurt of being mocked or stared at for something beyond his control. His hyper-alert and defensive reaction sadly makes sense considering his background (the abuse, growing up feeling different). He’s likely spent his life feeling scrutinized and under threat. While this doesn’t excuse aggression, it does help explain his fierce need to protect himself.
It’s also completely valid for you to feel drained by it all. You’re only human. You can empathize with him and still acknowledge that constantly being on edge in public, facing confrontations, and mediating emotions is exhausting. That’s not selfish—it’s honest.
You seem caught between being the emotional caretaker, peacemaker, and “shield” for him, which is far too much for one person, especially with kids involved who are absorbing this dynamic too.
This situation might benefit from outside support—for both of you. Your husband could explore trauma-informed therapy, especially if his past experiences are fueling his anger and hypervigilance. And you deserve support too—whether through therapy, a support group, or regular check-ins with someone neutral to help process this emotional weight.
As for incidents like the one with the girls at sports day, I think you were right. Kids often ask innocent (if blunt) questions. It’s not always appropriate to respond aggressively. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Being a thoughtful parent and partner means trying to find balance in everything.
Take a moment to be kind to yourself. You’re handling so much right now and putting in so much effort to do what’s best. But you deserve happiness, calm, and “normal” days as well. Therapy or couples counseling could be a way to discover new ways to support each other—together—so you’re not left shouldering all of this on your own.

I'm not sure how to help, but I genuinely hope that OP, her DH and others find the help and support they need.

I'm feeling really emotional right now, and seeing OP and others facing such tough and challenging situations has honestly brought me to tears. It's silly, I know.

Im not sure i believe all these examples happen regularly.

I have a friend whose adult child has a form of spastic paraplegic. He was diagnosed late teens and is late 20's now. We live in a part of the country where tolerance of differences is not commonplace and I have never witnessed nor heard her mention anything like this ever happening with her son. So honestly I think there is some poetic license being applied in your posts.

However, regardless of that, your dh cannot control how others behave but he can control his reaction.

Firstly, Kids asking questions is not being mean. It is them trying to understand the world around them. A simply explanation of "Bob has a disability that means he walks differently to other people" is all it takes.

But aggressively chasing after someone one and attacking them is not normal!! Your DH is unhinged and needs help with his emotional outbursts!

Sadly I think it's normal to be curious, particularly for children. He is an adult, & rather than get angry couldn't he simply say, "Yes I have X disease, I didn't choose it." ?
Honestly Fat people have this, Anorexic people, All people with differences big or small are noticed. Surely this is going to ruin his & your lives if he doesn't accept his life as it is,
Your child will have to face this too. Your H setting a terrible example.

He sounds like a hard person to like, let alone love.

He needs to deal with his anger management, or it will ruin his life.

Yeah, people shouldn't be arseholes, but people ARE arseholes, you can't alter other peoples behaviour, you can only ever alter your own.

People stare at me when im out, its inevitable in a huge powerchair and a huge body, the instant assumption is that im so fat I need a power chair - this isn't the case but there is no point me arguing that with arseholes, its a waste of my time and energy.

I have some stock reponses:

Smile broadly and say HELLO, LOVELY DAY etc
Stare and flick v's
Say in a neutral tone 'I have a disability, it is none of your business'.

I know its unfair but you HAVE to grow (not you, your husband, disabled people) a tougher skin, as the alternative is to let horrible people win and stay in your house forever having a miserable life.

He should NOT expect you to dive in and defend him, particularly in a confrontational and aggressive way.

Refusing to go to anger management counselling and altering his way of dealing with the world would be a deal breaker for me - do it or its divorce time!

I find it profoundly depressing to read that there are so many human beings who mock disabled people. What on earth is wrong with them? All they’re doing is displaying their own insecurities. It’s pathetic.

Sorry OP, I know I’m not being much help. I agree with a PP that it sounds like your DH is stuck in a cycle of aggression. EMDR could be life changing for him (and in turn, you).