Am I a coward? Wife of a disabled dh

[Salesave]

I don’t even know how to word this.
My dh has a physical disability that affects how he walks. He can walk far, play football, swim. But his walking gait and stiffness makes him walk differently.

We could be having a normal day, outside having fun and someone will take the piss. Right in his face. My dh content stand for anything and will call them out, argue back with them. I’m with him defending him. Then our day is kinda f from then on. His confidence is shot and he wants to go home.

Even if people just look at his legs he will take it for a while then call them out.

Now imagine this almost everyday, people looking. Some crazy people saying stuff to his face and some kids mimicking.

My children get asked in school, why does your dad walk like that. I told them not to tell him as it would break his heart.

I don’t know how to handle this, he will go crazy sometimes. Threatening people and throwing stuff at them, insulting them. If it’s a women he wants me to be the one doing that stuff and I can’t bring myself to do it. I only feel anger like that if it’s something to do with my children.

I have in the past called people out and shouted at them but it’s only for him as he calls me a coward. I just hate confrontation.

He notices people looking when I didn’t see anything. I told him you can’t fight the world, but he says he has pride. Which I understand.

He was SA as a child which I think has given him his heightened sense of awareness and to have to constantly look out. My son has the same disability and we can go out and have a normal day. No one says anything and we don’t see anyone staring.

Today we went to my daughter’s sports day and we had ice cream and was having fun when my dh said that two girls were saying why does he walk like that, he told me that I needed to speak them. I said who are their parents I will speak to them. He didn’t know. He then said that he wants to leave and he left.

After, I felt like he was angry with me for not confronting two primary school children that asked a question. He has done this before, he wants me to defend him which I should but some situations are not appropriate.

I’m emotionally fatigued, I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for him. To have grown up like that and go through all of these challenges.

But selfishly, I just want to have a normal day out.

I have to agree. I mean, chasing after a child and stealing his hat? Throwing things at people? That's not behavior I would want to be around, nor is that an example I would want to set for my children.

I'd refuse to go out with him at this point. Because his aggression is embarrassing. I'd also not put up with him telling me I had to join in with it! If he sulked about me not joining in with it I'd LTB, I've got no tolerance for sulking when people don't get their own way. Just because he's disabled doesn't make him a nice person OP. He sounds like an arsehole and I think I'd be done with this relationship. It's one thing to need counselling and for it to take time to work, it's another thing to have a problem like this and to refuse to get help for it. That's a deal breaker for me. His aggression is not ok IMO.

My ds has hereditary spastic paraplegia.

it is also degenerative and he has an odd gait and uses crutches and a wheelchair at times.

People will ask why he walks like he does and ds just says he had a neurological condition. He doesn’t mind people asking but he’s not experienced people asking in a cruel way. Lots of children will ask because they are curious rather than being unkind.

I agree that counselling would probably help your DH.

He is right to challenge unkindness and also language around the use of disability but not the way he is imo.

I cannot believe what people are like.staring and being rude about someone disabilities. An old chap we knew used to say "people are assholes" in a strong regional accent. He probably feels fed up of ignoring them and wants to lash out.8

Because the Op's DH is putting his family in danger by reacting violently - throwing things, chasing people etc. I think that the way Op's husband is being treated is disgusting but his response is not helping, or Op wouldn't be posting here.

It sounds like a difficult situation.

I’m going to go against the grain here. If he won’t accept counselling, could you get some for yourself in order to talk everything through in detail with someone trained, who is empathic but independent, and will help you develop a more effective strategy for this?

The OP isn’t mentioning her or her dh/dcs being in danger though (I’m NOT talking about the road rage here).

And yes him being assertive rather than angry would be much better. But that’s not about ‘being the bigger person’. That’s about changing the way he expresses his anger at ableism, being othered etc…. In part because it would be much more effective. In part because it would make him feel much more in control and would improve HIS quality of life.
And tbh, he has the right to feel angry about it rather than taking it on the chin ‘to be the bigger person’. Those people need to be called out. The children need to be educated. And expecting disabled people to constantly do that is exhausting too.

Something isn’t stacking up here. You say this happens every day but that sometimes you haven’t noticed anything. I have a disabled relative and they do not experience daily harassment. Your husband sounds unhinged, chasing people and throwing things is absurd. I don’t believe this is happening to him every day, I think it’s more likely he Enjoys being confrontational and aggressive.

It does sound awful for your husband with what he has to put up with, but I’m afraid to say he also sounds like a real unpleasant arsehole.

One of my children has down syndrome. Early on I went to a Christmas party with similar children and their parents. Every parent in that room looked exhausted and was bitter with the world.
Just like you said, it's impossible to change the world and it is just natural for people to look and point out things that are different. I find for every one person that takes the piss there is a thousand that don't.

@SpidersAreShitheadsmy late dad had Huntington's too, people were forever accusing him of being drunk in the street! So much aggression.

He sounds awful.

My husband has Cerebral Palsy and he's never reacted like a twat to innocent questions, he's also never had people being assholes to him.

So he wants everybody else's behavior to change to suit him, but won't make the least bit of effort to change the one thing he can actually control?

I know it sounds cold, but he needs to develop a thicker skin, it's that simple. I know children with limb difference who react more maturely than he does. Idiots exist. Deal with it.

If he's going to get wound up to the point of screaming and throwing things because of some empty-head, he's not behaving much better than they are. And if he's expecting you to fight his 'battles' for him, he needs to give his head a wobble.

The OP isn’t mentioning her or her dh/dcs being in danger though

But they are in danger. What happens next time he throws something and it gets thrown back and hits one of them? Or he gets aggressive with the wrong person and his wife and kid have to watch him get ironed out in the street?

Not everyone wants to be educated, not everyone is going to have a moment of clarity upon being called out. Taking it on the chin doesn't mean that you're accepting it, it means that you're making a conscious choice not to rise to the behavior of an idiot.

None of us are perfect, but surely as a grown man it's reasonable to expect him to have developed a coping mechanism that doesn't involve his partner shouting at children by now?

As OP has stated, he won't even try.

Good for him then. He has no reason to have an issue then, does he?🤔

Sympathies @PlioTalk - it’s a bastard of a disease isn’t it? ❤️

Gently - the SA has got him stuck in fight or flight mode with PTSD imho. He needs therapy- I found EMDR absolutely life changing in stopping me reacting exactly like this. He’s lucky to have such a patient and kind partner x

What I mean is that I find it very difficult to believe that people are being rude to him every day basically.

I get why kids are wondering about it, I get how you must be exhausted especially if he never ever lets it go but my his how are there so many assholes out there?!?! There’s a lad in my son’s class (secondary) and he drags his right leg after him, you can see him coming from ages away and you want to ask if he wants a lift or help. My son said the boy explained to the whole class when they were having this circle time thingy in school that it looks different but actually doesn’t really hinder him. I asked do many ask about it or are people awful to him but he said no, he gets no crap about it, why would he? And it’s true. Hope you get your day’s peace op and that your dh gets a break too x

I can believe it. I've been accused of faking my visual impairment by strangers because I dared to look at something, I've been stared at for daring to be out alone

First of all, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?! Where the fuck do you live where grown adults abuse disabled people daily?!

This was my first thought

I’m disabled and when not using a wheelchair I walk with a gait. I’m genuinely shocked at the level of abuse he’s receiving. I get the odd nasty comment but not to the level of relentlessness you describe with random people just appearing and having a go?! It sounds stressful - do you live in an area with high antisocial behaviour/social deprivation?

@SpidersAreShitheads- it's truly evil. My dad was diagnosed in adulthood too. Luckily it ended with him.

Big solidarity hugs ❤️

I get abused almost every time I go out. I also get lots of lovely people who want to help, and I've always been offered help when I needed it. But there is a significant number of people who are very quick to lash out at anything they see as different.

I get people grabbing my chair and pushing me out the way, people talking to me like I'm a toddler, even if they've seen me talking normally to someone else. Lots of calling me "it" which really hurts. On days when I'm using a stick instead of my chair I've had people kick it out from under me making me fall. People yelling I'm a fat lazy cunt when I park in a blue badge spot. It's constant and relentless. If you've never seen it then honestly you must be willfully oblivious.

I've genuinely never seen it in public and I'm not just saying that, my husband will react if someone is being a twat towards him but he's certainly not a walking fist like the OP's husband.

The only person who I have seen be a twat towards my husband because of his disability is my sister and I'm NC with her because of it.

Here is a thread full of it on Mumsnet

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5369916-girls-using-walking-sticks

Ableism is alive and well and thriving.