Am I being neurotic?

[Chunkychips23]

We’ve got an in-laws family event at the weekend, they’re doing a garden party to celebrate a couple of family birthdays at once. It’s set to be 31/32 degrees on the day.

I have a newborn and a young toddler, neither cope well in the heat. The PIL house is super hot at the best of times and FIL generally isn’t keen on letting people into the cooler lounge as he’s a bit funny about people eating/drinking near his carpets.

The last heatwave was hell on earth with the kids. The toddler was so unhappy all day, clinging to me and my newborn was cluster feeding to try and keep cool. We just sat in our pants all day in front of the fan which made it just about bearable. I’m six weeks postpartum myself and still dealing with the good old sweats as it is, so I will also be uncomfortable. I had a PPH and several tears, so still also recovering. His family are very anti breastfeeding (I posted about this a year ago with my first) so that adds to the issues when my newborn will want to stay permanently latched all day.

I’ve suggested to DH that we just go over in the morning and see his extended family, rather than staying for the food which starts at 1pm. That way we still get to see his family who are staying locally and miss the hottest part of the day. He’s said we have to go for the whole day. He said I’m being neurotic (probably his mums words, as she said that about me not going to a family event after my 1st a couple of weeks after a section with a jaundiced baby) Am I being?

DH doesn’t want to let him mum down as she’s been looking forward to this for months. I understand that completely, but I know my kids are going to be screaming the whole time, hot, overtired (toddler will be missing a nap to go) and uncomfortable. It won’t be DH the kids are clinging to. He just strops off into a corner.

I’ve asked if I can bring the paddling pool at least so the toddler can cool off, but FIL doesn’t want to ruin his lawn. It’s one of those small blow-up ones that only fits a toddler in anyway.

I’d approach MIL directly about this, but our relationship is still a little strained after how she treated me with my first. We’ve started to repair things, but it’s not back at the point where I could talk to her about this. DH struggles to say no to his mum.

AIBU suggesting we just go in the morning?

Or does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep the kids cool in the heat? I’ve got a couple of portable fans.

YANBU given that you have tried to find multiple solutions (visiting earlier, using cooler lounge, taking paddling pool, and they've rejected them all.
I would tell DH that you (and obviously the BF baby) will be going in the morning as you suggested. He is welcome to stay as long as he likes of course. Ask him if he wants to keep the toddler with him!!

I think you and baby should stay at home to be honest and DH can take the baby or not.

I would tell him that if you go all day then the toddler is his responsibility, no it's or buts. No accepting the excuse that toddler wants you - he will have to deal with it. If the baby starts crying, gi very him to your DH and disappear elsewhere for a while. I bet he'll decide it's time to leave

Sorry but anyone inviting a newborn and toddler to their home needs to make some accommodations like an area for toys and a quiet space for naps. If they’re not happy with that then they have to understand that you won’t be able to go for the whole day.

Couldn't have put it better myself. ☝

I can't work out how a small paddling pool on the lawn for a couple of hours will ruin it. 🤔 It sounds like your PIL are being totally obstructive & unreasonable.

They’ve very much “our way only” type of people. DH caves everytime.

It’s a fairly large lawn and a tiny paddling pool. It has shade built onto it too, so would be ideal for my toddler.

DH won’t bring the dog because it will be too hot, but not too hot for our newborn 🙄

Very simple answer to this - DH goes on his own and you stay with the children. No toddler will want to be out in that heat all day (and nor would I want my toddler out in it, I even keep my 8/9 year olds in during the hottest part of the day so they don't get burnt) and a newborn even less! He's being ridiculous even considering this frankly.

Re the dog... to be fair your newborn probably isn't covered in a thick layer of fur 😂

That sounds really hellish to me...yanbu

I wouldn't go. I would send DH and stay at home with small fry. There is no way on god's green earth would I go for the whole day.

I'd send DH on his own, a present obviously from me like flowers with an apology, (pa but hey...) and stay at home with the kids, ddog and my feet in the paddling pool ☺️

OP it sounds like hell. I would tell DH that you are going in the morning and will see the family but you are going home with baby at 1pm. He can stay with the toddler (only if you trust him to keep the toddler protected from the sun).

Babies cant regulate their temperature so no way I would risk having the baby somewhere that you cant cool them down.

He wants his extended family to meet our baby, so has said they have to come. I’ve offered the morning as an option and I’m not going to budge on that. My kids needs come before his family’s wants. Downside is his parents live in the middle of nowhere so if we go, I’m forced to stay.

You could drive home in the morning then, and later pick him up or he gets a lift/taxi.

If that's not possible because you don't know how to drive or something, then your husband can choose between:

• you all go in the morning and all leave together (he can go back after dropping you home if he wants to)
• he goes alone, with/without toddler

First comment nailed it

Like with most threads of this ilk, you have a DH problem. I agree, no way would I take your children to somewhere where they aren't even welcomed obviously (nowhere for cool time, naps, cant risk messing up the precious lawn). He needs to stand up to his parents otherwise you will have a lifetime of this shit and life is too short and too hot for this stress. Fuck no to that.

You don’t have to stay.

it’ll be very unpleasant for adults to be honest in the afternoon much less a toddler and newborn.

leave when suits you. Offer to either go back and pick dh up or book him a taxi.

Your husband sound very inflexible. I also don't understand how he is prioritizing the dog's need and his parents' wants, but not the needs of his own children.

I would refuse to go altogether. There is no way I would be getting stuck in the middle of nowhere being hot and uncomfortable in a house where the owners do not care about the comfort of their guests.

You are not forced to stay. You can leave with the car and he can come or not come. It's up to him to find a way home later if he chooses not to come. This is probably a hill I'd choose to die on.

Im slightly gobsmacked that he's expecting you to go anywhere in this heat at 6 weeks postpartum, never mind take the kids. Is he generally dismissive of your discomfort?

I would just TELL do that you and the kids are coming in the morning but heading home when it gets too hot as it’s irresponsible to have such young children out in the midday heat. He can like it or not but there’s no need to put yourself through this for the sake of other people who don’t care about your toddler as much as they care for their lawn 🤔

you have made several suggestions all of which have been nixed.

So give them one chance to suggest how to keep the children and you cool, and if that is unrealistic, tell them you'll all go over early to congratulate those celebrating then at least you and the DCs will go back home where you are comfortable. DH can choose what to do. (it's a bit shit for him having to choose, but that's life with small children in a heatwave)

Your husband sounds unpleasant, viewing you as someone who must do what he and his family tells you to.

You are post partum. You have a newborn. You have a toddler.

All of you have particular needs that should be prioritised by him over his extended family.

Why is he not caring for you? Why is he not listening to you?

I would not go in the morning - you have said you will be unable to leave and essentially forced to stay.

I would go when I was good and bloody ready - if at all and my husband could either accept this or take the toddler and go on his own, only if the toddler's needs would be safely met. If not my child comes first always.

You need to stick up for yourself, your needs and that of your children.

If you don't then this is always going to happen to you - are you prepared for that?

This weekend is going to be shit for anyone who hates the heat, never mind with a tiny baby and have to put on a performance for the in laws! I’d say that baby can just meet them all another time. Who cares? Baby won’t give a shit!

Stay at home with baby, your feet in paddling pool, lots of fans, supply of ice lollies for the endless bfeeding. Let your DH take toddler with plenty of snacks and suncream and tell them they’re gone for the day, no ‘oh but toddler only wants you, rescue me’ helpless dad shite, maybe toddler could just nap on the way back if not too late?

honestly, these weeks are hard enough for you and baby, your DH should be ‘team you’ right now, I remember bending backwards to please everyone whilst pp and it was never worth it. Fuck them all and have a nice (as cool as poss) day for yourself.

if DH is a twat about it and wants to drink, not drive, can’t get taxi etc, blah blah, can you manage toddler and baby overnight solo? If so I’d tell your DH to piss off to his mummy’s for that night and rethink his priorities.

Only people who sound neurotic in this situation are your in-laws. How can a toddler paddling pool "ruin" a lawn in a couple of hours. I wouldn't go. Husband can if he wants and can take toddler do you aren't landed with the children all day. The in-laws indeed do sound like it's my way or the highway, often with people like this NOTHING is ever right or good enough. As an aside what has your breastfeeding got to do with them?!